Hi Keitak, is there someone you can trust, a family member, a trusted friend, neighbour, counsellor or GP that you can talk to, because you must get it out in the open, just let it all out, other wise it will eat you up with hatred and despair. What ever has happened to you physically or emotionally in your life, there is help and guidance out there. You've just got to brave enough to let go of it. Life is so precious ,please seek help from somewhere. and will you keep posting, just to let us know you are still around ?............. Take care now