Oh dear, this was unexpected

[Totto]

I want to point out I'm not in love with him, just terribly attracted. We are also friends and talk a lot. We have started to set topics, like What makes you sad? What makes you happy? It is a bit hard work to get him to talk, him being both young and male, but we get there.

I asked him last night if I annoyed him. No?? he said. Well if it was me having my mind poked into in the way I try to poke into his I would most certainly be annoyed and I am an annoying person or so I have been told so am a bit surprised.

He is kind, he likes me, we enjoy each others company, he helps me with the cooking and works far too much.

Last night we went for a walk through lanes and meadows, a very still and warm summers night and it was lovely, a memory to go back to when winter comes.

I try to concentrate on the friendship and ignore other feelings.

 

[zand]

Yes you are friends, and when you work together at a job like yours it's easy to form a close bond. I've done it too and I watched my mother get closer to workers who came to help out for the Summer as well. Well done, you're handling this really well Totto - concentrating on the friendship is good.

Oh and I've never found you to be an annoying person

 

[Scandichic]

I want to point out I'm not in love with him, just terribly attracted. We are also friends and talk a lot. We have started to set topics, like What makes you sad? What makes you happy? It is a bit hard work to get him to talk, him being both young and male, but we get there.

I asked him last night if I annoyed him. No?? he said. Well if it was me having my mind poked into in the way I try to poke into his I would most certainly be annoyed and I am an annoying person or so I have been told so am a bit surprised.

He is kind, he likes me, we enjoy each others company, he helps me with the cooking and works far too much.

Last night we went for a walk through lanes and meadows, a very still and warm summers night and it was lovely, a memory to go back to when winter comes.

I try to concentrate on the friendship and ignore other feelings.

Well done! You work far too hard and it sounds like you've found a compassionate soul who empathises with you! Take care! Big hugs!

 

[Totto]

Thank you. I only wish I could get some compassion out of hubby instead of all this feeling sorry for himself for the unreasonable demands he feels I make. I only want to share my life with him, hubby that is, not being treated like a housekeeper and secretary mould into one.

 

[Scandichic]

Thank you. I only wish I could get some compassion out of hubby instead of all this feeling sorry for himself for the unreasonable demands he feels I make. I only want to share my life with him, hubby that is, not being treated like a housekeeper and secretary mould into one.

I know this is not a good time of year for a holiday but it sounds like you both need a change of scenery. Would funds stretch to a cruise or a cheapie to somewhere like the canaries late September when the weathers still decent. How is his health these days?

 

[zand]

Thank you. I only wish I could get some compassion out of hubby instead of all this feeling sorry for himself for the unreasonable demands he feels I make. I only want to share my life with him, hubby that is, not being treated like a housekeeper and secretary mould into one.

Oh please let me know if you find an answer to that one!
Empathy and hugs
x

 

[Jill the tt]

Thank you. I only wish I could get some compassion out of hubby instead of all this feeling sorry for himself for the unreasonable demands he feels I make. I only want to share my life with him, hubby that is, not being treated like a housekeeper and secretary mould into one.

maybe tell hubby how you feel, sometimes things have come to an end and you can carry on out of habit, my hubby and i went through an unhappy patch, but came to the conclusion we never wanted to be apart, we had long talks said all we we were unhappy with, it was very upsetting at times, we both thought it could be over, now we are stronger than ever, he will be working away for 6 months from Monday after a long period of being home, it's what we are used to but is still hard. i think the important thing is ti be honest with yourself, life is short we have to live it to the full and be happy.

 

[Yorksman]

I sort things like the running of the household, getting supplies in, running the business, mowing the lawn, renovate windows and do the painting, make the deliveries and the rest

Me too, but I work from home whilst my wife works shifts including 12 hour night shifts plus 90 mins commuting time. After 30 years of working in an office, I prefer the stay at home stuff. There's a lot to say for it and I feel sorry for my wife, though she will retire in a couple of years and we try to get away whenever we can for short breaks.

It's quite natural to react positively to attention and what seems harmless or carefree to begin with has fallout. That fallout is painful, destructive and expensive. People think they can control it but, that's quite rare. Having a night with someone you chanced on in a hotel on a business trip and won't see again is very different from having an affair with someone you see every day. He gets bored, you get resentful that you don't get the attention that you used to and hubby will pick up the atmosphere.

Or anyone of another number of the usual outcomes.

 

[annelise]

Oh dear! – Have been there myself (at a younger age), and he was younger than me. I met him in an international conference – was attracted and so seemed he. Nothing 'definite' happened – only a lot of talking. I even invited him to dinner in my home – met my husband and kids.

Then we started a correspondence – first professional and then going more private. – Next time that I went overseas to a similar conference, he invited me to come with him for private travel for a week. Lovely time! – and clandestine meetings abroad whenever the occasion arose. – But finally I broke it off. I still have the lovely memories and no regrets.

So Totto, whatever you choose to do, I think you should consider your options very carefully. I understand your feelings, but he seems 'too close' to home for having a 'fling' without serious consequences to your whole way of living.

Best, annelise

 

[catherinecherub]

Thank you. I only wish I could get some compassion out of hubby instead of all this feeling sorry for himself for the unreasonable demands he feels I make. I only want to share my life with him, hubby that is, not being treated like a housekeeper and secretary mould into one.

This is not an unusual scenario for many men and women and seems to come into play for many of us.

I often sit in on therapy sessions, with the client's permission and often hear women saying, "I want to be me and not only thought of as a wife, mother daughter, chauffeur, housekeeper........." They feel they have lost their identity and are missing out on life. They internalise and ask themselves questions such as "Is this it? Can I expect any changes or is this what life is all about?" "I am bored out of my brain and yet everybody views me as a good wife, mother, friend..........." "I had such aspirations when I was younger and they have been and gone".

It happens to men too and their questions and feelings are the same.

I think that everyone needs interests outside their partnerships so that they can relax and enjoy, an environment without the demands of family life. It might sound a bit of a cliche but doing something that interests you and socialising with like minded people is a form of relaxation. You might say that you do not have time. You do if you delegate or if leave the chores they will still be there tomorrow and even if you do those chores they will need to be repeated again and again.

 

[Opalshards]

I want to point out I'm not in love with him, just terribly attracted. We are also friends and talk a lot. We have started to set topics, like What makes you sad? What makes you happy? It is a bit hard work to get him to talk, him being both young and male, but we get there.

I asked him last night if I annoyed him. No?? he said. Well if it was me having my mind poked into in the way I try to poke into his I would most certainly be annoyed and I am an annoying person or so I have been told so am a bit surprised.

He is kind, he likes me, we enjoy each others company, he helps me with the cooking and works far too much.

Last night we went for a walk through lanes and meadows, a very still and warm summers night and it was lovely, a memory to go back to when winter comes.

I try to concentrate on the friendship and ignore other feelings.

It looks like he likes you as a friend and enjoys your company. But if he doesn't try to make any romantic moves on you, then please don't embarrass yourself by thinking it may go further. We all respond to someone showing interest, flattering and pampering us, it does not necessarily mean he fancies you. Does your Hubby treat you that badly that you would jeopardize your whole marriage for this lad?

 

[Totto]

Thank you all. It means a lot to have your input.

No time nor funds to go on cruises but when things slow down in late August/early September we will try to go camping for a couple of nights..

I have no intentions to jeopardise my marriage. In fact I think the reason I started this thread was to help not make a pass at him and it has indeed helped.

I love hubby and want to spend my life with him, I just don't know if I will survive the life I have let myself be forced to live and this lovely young man has opened my eyes to the urgent need for change in my marriage and how responsibilities are divided between us. But what if hubby doesn't want to change?

Thing is, I have been so ill for so many years and now I am well since getting control of thyroid and bg levels. Just wish other hormones were as easy to control!

That said, and regardless of all and everything I must admit life is rather interesting. The current situation adds some spice so to speak.

 

[Jaylee]

This all reads like a Carla Lane sub-plotline....

 

[Totto]

Oh please let me know if you find an answer to that one!
Empathy and hugs
x

I will.

 

[Totto]

This is not an unusual scenario for many men and women and seems to come into play for many of us.

I often sit in on therapy sessions, with the client's permission and often hear women saying, "I want to be me and not only thought of as a wife, mother daughter, chauffeur, housekeeper........." They feel they have lost their identity and are missing out on life. They internalise and ask themselves questions such as "Is this it? Can I expect any changes or is this what life is all about?" "I am bored out of my brain and yet everybody views me as a good wife, mother, friend..........." "I had such aspirations when I was younger and they have been and gone".

It happens to men too and their questions and feelings are the same.

I think that everyone needs interests outside their partnerships so that they can relax and enjoy, an environment without the demands of family life. It might sound a bit of a cliche but doing something that interests you and socialising with like minded people is a form of relaxation. You might say that you do not have time. You do if you delegate or if leave the chores they will still be there tomorrow and even if you do those chores they will need to be repeated again and again.

I know all this but hubby doesn't. Thing is, now that I am well after so many years I am quite exited about what my new life will be and will certainly change a lot of things and I think marriage counselling will be a good idea as hubby hasn't paid much attention to to what I said over the past ten years. He does occasionally listen to others though.

 

[Totto]

He is still unmolested the dear boy. I looked up an old ***** and had a bit of lunch rest on my own and that calmed me down enough to act sensibly the rest of the day and we had the most interesting conversations all through the onion cleaning, the broad bean picking, the afternoon swim and relaxing half hour or possibly hour today, as well as the cooking preparations, the beetroot cleaning and general chat. We have covered a lot of topics today and gone over a few from past days. I feel very good about our relationship today. I asked him what it was about me he liked and he said it was the person I am, that I have experiences he learns from and that I have had such an interesting life. Cool, I didn't know that,

He has told me some intriguing things about himself today too that might explain at least in part the attraction, it is about being slightly weird and I always was attracted to slightly weird persons. Or downright weird. @Scandichic, how do you translate original as in han eller hon är ett riktigt original?

 

[Opalshards]

He is still unmolested the dear boy. I looked up an old ***** and had a bit of lunch rest on my own and that calmed me down enough to act sensibly the rest of the day and we had the most interesting conversations all through the onion cleaning, the broad bean picking, the afternoon swim and relaxing half hour or possibly hour today, as well as the cooking preparations, the beetroot cleaning and general chat. We have covered a lot of topics today and gone over a few from past days. I feel very good about our relationship today. I asked him what it was about me he liked and he said it was the person I am, that I have experiences he learns from and that I have had such an interesting life. Cool, I didn't know that,

He has told me some intriguing things about himself today too that might explain at least in part the attraction, it is about being slightly weird and I always was attracted to slightly weird persons. Or downright weird. @Scandichic, how do you translate original as in han eller hon är ett riktigt original?[/QUOTE

Way too much info.

 

[Scandichic]

He is still unmolested the dear boy. I looked up an old ***** and had a bit of lunch rest on my own and that calmed me down enough to act sensibly the rest of the day and we had the most interesting conversations all through the onion cleaning, the broad bean picking, the afternoon swim and relaxing half hour or possibly hour today, as well as the cooking preparations, the beetroot cleaning and general chat. We have covered a lot of topics today and gone over a few from past days. I feel very good about our relationship today. I asked him what it was about me he liked and he said it was the person I am, that I have experiences he learns from and that I have had such an interesting life. Cool, I didn't know that,

He has told me some intriguing things about himself today too that might explain at least in part the attraction, it is about being slightly weird and I always was attracted to slightly weird persons. Or downright weird. @Scandichic, how do you translate original as in han eller hon är ett riktigt original?

He/she is one of a kind.
Well done! You will have some lovely memories without the guilt. Hang on in there. The whole thing is very bittersweet. Maybe if you can get him to go, counselling would be the way forward. By the way, I prefer idiosyncratic to weird. Who wants to be mainstream anyway? Kramxx

 

[Jaylee]

 

[Thundercat]

Your infatuation seems a direct result of your unhappiness with your husband. It is much easier to imagine someone new treating us with respect, admiration and caring than it is to face the difficulties of our reality. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to be treated with respect. Marriage is a partnership. Your are in a submissive role to your husband which is unfair and unkind. You need to sit him down and explain why and how you are dissatisfied with your life together. The fact that you love him makes marriage worth fighting for but you cannot go on living a life where you feel so put upon and overburdened. You owe it to yourself to fix this. If your husband refuses to meet you half way and continues to put his feelings constantly before yours then serious questions will have to be addressed. Hopefully, once he realises that you are truly unhappy he will wake up to the situation he has created. The young man is a fun and exciting way to avoid dealing with your life.

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