HOW TO WASH A CAT

Randburg

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Grey Cats
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sanguine

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Closely related to 'How to give a cat a pill':



1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse to help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
 
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angelicbaby

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ROFALMAO. This is almost an exact pa lava of me and my cat every Drontal time. :woot:
 
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Scandichic

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Closely related to 'How to give a cat a pill':



1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse to help.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rod, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply plaster to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the friggin' cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from your right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
I am actually crying with laughter! This is so hilarious but probably because it's so true! You have made my day!
 
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donnellysdogs

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@Kat100 and @donnellysdogs i think you might appreciate this.......

@Scandichic.. We have laughed our socks off at this!!

We sadly do not have any dogs anymore but regularly dog sit for many dogs and now also have an adopted cat that visits us everyday!

Yesterday I was in bath with hubby sat on the toilet talking to me and had our adopted cat purring around hubbys feet and sat on corner of bath too! We were actually talking about domestic cats being able to swim..
Next time hubby thinks he can now try the flush n wash with our adopted cat!!!
 
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Scandichic

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@Scandichic.. We have laughed our socks off at this!!

We sadly do not have any dogs anymore but regularly dog sit for many dogs and now also have an adopted cat that visits us everyday!

Yesterday I was in bath with hubby sat on the toilet talking to me and had our adopted cat purring around hubbys feet and sat on corner of bath too! We were actually talking about domestic cats being able to swim..
Next time hubby thinks he can now try the flush n wash with our adopted cat!!!
Did you read the one about the cat and the tablet? I was literally crying! :D
 
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masonbason63

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Being type 1, my health and what really grates me are false people who make themselves out to be something when their not
I laughed so much my chihuahua must be a cat in disguise as we go through this at DRONTAL time as well
 
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CollieBoy

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@Scandichic


Yesterday I was in bath with hubby sat on the toilet talking to me and had our adopted cat purring around hubbys feet and sat on corner of bath too! We were actually talking about domestic cats being able to swim..
Next time hubby thinks he can now try the flush n wash with our adopted cat!!!
Some cats actually enjoy water. I had a cat that would walk into the water and swim out to our boat. (Always had to have a "boarding towel" hanging at the stern for his convenience!)
 
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angelicbaby

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I am actually crying with laughter! This is so hilarious but probably because it's so true! You have made my day!
I read on another post that you found a size 14 jumper too large - you need to change your signature ;)
 

donnellysdogs

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Did you read the one about the cat and the tablet? I was literally crying! :D

We were too!! Tears down our cheeks!!

Reminded me of my old beautiful golden retriever. She had diabetes insipidus and had to have eye drops from the fridge, two drops twice a day... We put up a big notice on the fridge as a reminder to us "EYE DROPS".. Didnt need to... After 1 week of having a treat after her eye drops she literally every morning after her walk sat in front of the fridge waiting for her drops and treat, and the same for the evening. Always walk and fridge. Never did it after her afternoon walk though. Not a funny story but the stories above reminded me just how clever my beautiful girlie was.
 

sanguine

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@Randburg - sorry your one was really funny too ... :woot:
 
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Scandichic

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Type 2
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Tablets (oral)
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Michael Gove and his insane educational? policies!
I read on another post that you found a size 14 jumper too large - you need to change your signature ;)
It was one of those lacy baggy things. Am currently fluctuating between 12st 5 - 6. I am currently between a 14-16 with more things 16 than 14 but that is gradually changing :D
 
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