Humour
- Thread starter Pura Vida
- Start Date
Squire Fulwood
Expert
- Messages
- 6,107
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Diet only
Robinredbreast
Oracle
- Messages
- 18,448
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Insulin
- Dislikes
- Bullies, Liars, Trolls and dishonest cruel people
izzzi
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 4,207
- Type of diabetes
- Treatment type
- Diet only
I went on a vegan type diet about 2 years ago and now all is in good control. ( I am not a vegan just on that type of diet )
It is difficult do recommend as we are all different. yet my heart is in the right place staying healthy.
Oddly enough I miss lamb, not so much red meat, something to do with taste I think.
Edited by Moderator.
Unnecessary comment.
Last edited by a moderator:
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Brisbane .
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germsin our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germsin our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of
all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old
man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said,
'Wedding Cake.'
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his everyword. His mates at the club are all aghast.
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!'
They are knocked over, but continue to ask.’ So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?'
'I lied about my age', Bob replies.
'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
>
> WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HOLD REGULAR JOBS
> 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
> "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
> kids to copulate me."
>
> 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
> season:
> "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
>
> 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
> "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
> Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
>
> 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
> Jenkins:
> "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
>
> 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
> "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein."
>
> 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
> (Now that is beautiful)
>
> 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
> "You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
> And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
>
> 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
> "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
> three years, not Princeton ..."
>
> 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
> color photo of himself above his locker:
> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
> clothes."
>
> 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
> heavyweight Andrew Golota:
> "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
> time it is."
>
> 11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
> Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
> "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
> uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
> January)
>
> 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
> "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
> He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
>
> 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
> a player who received four F's and one D:
> "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
>
> 14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
> "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
>
> 15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why
> he takes his wife on all the road trips,
> Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
> WHY SOME ATHLETES CAN'T HOLD REGULAR JOBS
> 1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
> "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the
> kids to copulate me."
>
> 2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming
> season:
> "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.."
>
> 3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
> "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
> Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
>
> 4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John
> Jenkins:
> "He treat us like mens. He let us wear earrings."
>
> 5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
> "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like
> Norman Einstein."
>
> 6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
> "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.."
> (Now that is beautiful)
>
> 7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
> "You guys line up alphabetically by height..,"
> And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."
>
> 8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
> "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for
> three years, not Princeton ..."
>
> 9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
> color photo of himself above his locker:
> "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my
> clothes."
>
> 10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of
> heavyweight Andrew Golota:
> "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what
> time it is."
>
> 11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to
> Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
> "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an
> uncle or an aunt. (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in
> January)
>
> 12. Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
> "I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
> He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
>
> 13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told
> a player who received four F's and one D:
> "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
>
> 14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
> "I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."
>
> 15. Former Houston Oilers coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why
> he takes his wife on all the road trips,
> Phillips responded: "Because she's too ugly to kiss good-bye."
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
> For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove
> is an 'Australian treasure!'
>
> General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
>
> Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
>
>
> Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
>
> This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
>
> It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
>
> The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> is an 'Australian treasure!'
>
> General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
>
> Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
>
>
> Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this!
>
> This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
>
> It is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
>
> FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
> But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
>
> GENERAL COSGROVE:
> Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
>
> The radiocast went silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
Subject: THE OCEAN
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
what he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an ******* on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle
to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better
off eating beans. (William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right
up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
what he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.
(James, age 7)
If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of humour.
- Messages
- 746
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
A Regional Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway. At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, i n lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman i n the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The cop asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the police officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop then asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman i n the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?
The cop asks: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the police officer is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop then asks: 'And her, what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
