Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[Molly56]

Sounds like the best idea, let him get on with it, tough love and all that.

I have never replied to this thread before( hello and nice to meet you Molly) don't think I could cope with that at all I'm afraid, At the end of the day he is an adult and should take responsibility for himself, it's very sad reading indeed

Do make sure you look after your self though.
All the best RRB

@Robinredbreast ....hello and nice to meet you too....am making sure that I do look after myself hence it may sometimes sound as if i don't care about him...perhaps this is just my coping mechanism for dealing with the situation as is talking to people here on the forum....without that I would surely be going mad....

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly, if he has arthritis (or even thinks he has) the "cure" is exercise. Could you speak to the Dr and get him to refer your OH to physio and they will give him exercises that will be OK for him to do? I have osteopaenia and osteoarthritis and was recently diagnosed as type 2 after my free NHS health check - a complete shock to me as I had no symptoms. I asked to be referred to a physio for my osteoarthritis rather than a hip replacement which was the other option and the exercises to strengthen my core muscles have made such a difference to me. I know I was starting from a fairly active point but he can start from where he is and gradually increase his level of activity and it may be the spur he needs to become a bit more active. I went three times at two week intervals, then after a month and it is now my last visit at two months at the end of December and we will assess whether I need a hip replacement now.

Good luck, it must be so frustrating for you. I know as my husband drinks too much, gets very little exercise, eats all the wrong things etc and won't go for his free health check so now I just let him get on with it; I am sick of hearing myself saying he should cut down his drinking etc. At present he appears to be fine but then I thought I was until I had my health check!

@Arab Horse ...as you rightly say the exercise is important which i have tried to address sometimes in a lighthearted manner to try and encourage him....suggested once that he was beginning to seize up like the tinman!.....anyway he has already been referred for physio by the knee / hip consultant and has his first appointment on Thursday....

...first of all I hope that he keeps the appointment and secondly takes some notice of what he is told...i seem to remember he went once before but quickly decided that it wasn't going to help and gave up on it.....the difficulty is always remembering to do the exercises at home and I know you need to be quite disciplined to do so....I am guilty of this myself when I went for some physio for a back / shoulder problem so know that it is not easy.

I sympathise with you about your husband and know how difficult it is....when I met my partner about five years ago he too drank too much / was in the pub every day / ate all the things he shouldn't ....but over time he has got better (despite all my complaining) and now rarely drinks alcohol and eats far better than he did back then....though still not quite right in terms of dealing with his diabetes....I still live in hope that we will get there...hopefully you will too.

 

[donnellysdogs]

@Molly56
Is it this week for hba test? And dsn?

Have you got ur helmet n shinpads prepared when the results come back? Ie preparing for it and the repercussions afterward?

 

[Pip16]

Hi Molly. My hubby has a very similar sleeping pattern. He's up and down most nights. (Also raids the snack cupboard but then he's not diabetic) Ends up watching TV then finally falls asleep when it's time to get up. I think it's just a habit he's got into.
I still think your partner seems depressed and think that this is not helping with his sleeping habits plus the medication he is taking. Does he have any reason to get up earlier in the mornings? Does he have friends that could take him out for the day. I know he has problems with his knees etc but he needs to find something that will give him a reason to start living again.
When you see the DN with him, I think YOU need to bring up this depression with her, yes he will probably deny it but at least it's been said and then the conversation can then be on why he is not doing anything to help his diabetes, not sleeping/sleeping too much, not exercising etc. You both need to talk and get it all out in the open to the DN and to yourselves.
Do you both talk at home? I don't mean discussions about why 'this and that' that tends to end in a row, but have you both sat down calmly and really spoke to each other about both your worries. Will he do that? Will you do that?
He's giving up and things will only get worse unless he opens up.

 

[Enclave]

Have been trying to work out how is the best way to say this to put an end to any speculation without it sounding wrong...so here goes...

If I ever decided to get married again it would have to be right for me and for the right reasons....at the moment I don't feel that this is either the right time or the right reason to consider going down that route...

Hope that answers the question and sorry to all those who were expecting wedding bells....

Personally I am a little disappointed that you are not wanting to consider a life time with him .. re marriage .. he must know this and it will be adding to his problems of getting up in the mornings. Therefor may I suggest again that you talk to him of separating .. don't make him stay in a relationship thats not working or going to go anywhere.

 

[daddys1]

This is all getting too deep for me, no one knows who's thinking what!, we don't know what his motivation is for asking in the first place, let alone whether he is disappointed or not. I stick to my first position on this get the depression sorted if that is what is causing this self destruct mode, then everyone will be able to think little clearer.

 

[Robinredbreast]

Personally I am a little disappointed that you are not wanting to consider a life time with him .. re marriage .. he must know this and it will be adding to his problems of getting up in the mornings. Therefor may I suggest again that you talk to him of separating .. don't make him stay in a relationship thats not working or going to go anywhere.

I'm sorry, but YOU are disappointed that Molly is not considering marriage? She obviously has her reasons and I applaud her for not giving into someone's 'medical conditions' as it would appear that blackmail comes to mind, as blackmail is an ugly and a destructive word.
Whatever Molly does with her life or within the relationship is really none of our business, even though many are trying to help in some way.
I really feel for Molly and I hope she will at some point, get some peace and rest from the situation she is in. It's okay for us to say do this or do that ( hopefully constructive help) try this or that, but we aren't in that relationship and just looking in from the outside, so not involved or part of what is going on, 24/7.

I take off my hat to Molly in whatever she chooses to do, in the present or the future.
This is part of my signature " Life is full of challenges...............being happy shouldn't be one of them"

Bless you Molly and take good care

RRB x

 

[pavlosn]

Personally I am a little disappointed that you are not wanting to consider a life time with him .. re marriage .. he must know this and it will be adding to his problems of getting up in the mornings. Therefor may I suggest again that you talk to him of separating .. don't make him stay in a relationship thats not working or going to go anywhere.

I am not sure that we know enough to be acting as relationship councillors or that that should be our role in the first place.

Molly is at an age where she is entitled to make important decisions like accepting or rejecting a marriage proposal based not only on her emotions but also based on what her logic dictates,

It is obvious to me that Molly cares deeply about this man, as it is also obvious that she has reservations about certain aspects of his character and behavior.

We have been given a description of their relationship from only one of the protagonists and even that with an undue bias towards matters relating to diabetes, which ends up painting a highly unfavorable picture of Molly's other half, because of his failure to take what we perceive the necessary action to manage his condition.

I would dearly love to have heard OH's side of the story not least because, he is the one who needs our advise most urgently.

Is it any surprising that Molly is not ready to accept his marriage proposal when so many of us keep posting that she should leave him?

Since when should one marry in order to cheer their OH up or to become entitled to a widow's pension?

And how do we reach the conclusion that Molly will never decide to marry him in the future. She is choosing to stay in this relationship and all she is saying is that she is not ready, at this point in time, to make things official. For reasons of her own that we can only speculate about.

Personally I think Molly is perfectly entitled to take the stand she is currently taking.

I have to say though that I hope that this marriage proposal will act as the catalyst for some frank talking between the two protagonists, as I feel that what is needed more than anything else is some effective communication between them.

Pavlos

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hi Molly, just wanted to see how you are today. I hope the future will look a little brighter for you.

With kindest regards

RRB X

 

[AndBreathe]

Leaving aside all other matters, these days it is rarely a requirement that couples be married before a widow's pension can be granted to a non-married partner. Obviously the word rarely confirms this is not the case 100%, but in another lifetime I did a lot of work with pensions actuaries when this very topic was being worked through rom a provider systems perspective. That this particular individual may have been retired for some may further complicate matters.

If the individual concerned wants to get their affairs in order (a prudent step for any one of us, irrespective of our health and marital status) we should do so.

If the individual's pension is from a former employer, then a call to the Trustees Office or the Pensions Admin people is in order. Alternatively, if it is a personal pension, a call to the provider would make sense. Neither body will be able to offer the individual financial advice, but will be able to explain the factual options available, either over the phone or in writing (letter or pensioner information booklet).

 

[Molly56]

@Molly56
Is it this week for hba test? And dsn?

Have you got ur helmet n shinpads prepared when the results come back? Ie preparing for it and the repercussions afterward?

@donnellysdogs ...appointment with diabetic nurse is tomorrow .....am reasonably prepared but will just make a couple of notes later....need to check the date he had the test and the date he started on new pain medication (Duloxetine) as I am wondering if this is having an effect on his blood sugar levels and the high readings of the last week...if so this may not be reflected in the HbA1c result as he had that a few weeks back...

Am determined to try to get a better result this time and to not just sit back and get fobbed off with the usual ....(ie do this do that and come back in three months)....or let him get away with making empty promises about doing some exercise...

...have got to be a bit more proactive in getting to the bottom of why he is feeling the way he is and 'ask her advice' on what else can be done to sort this......well at least that is the plan.....will have to see what transpires when we get there...

...re your comment about helmet and shinpads....am thinking a full set of body armour may be more appropriate....

edited: this will of course depend on him actually going along to the appointment tomorrow...he seems particularly irritable and argumentative today ...and anything I say is wrong....so I could easily see him refusing to attend...

 

[iHs]

Molly

i was listening today to a radio 4 programme all about loneliness and boredom. Am justvwondering if this is what might be wrong with OH. Some people havent got a forward forceful prrsonality and struggle to make friends. Is there any chance that you could ask yr OH to attend something with you and by you accompanying him, will then break the ice a bit and make friends so that he could go on his own. It would be something to lookforward to instead of dtaying at home and using carby food as a comfort blanket.

As to insulin.....well it has no side effects like tablets do and would control bg levels but....it sould mean bg finger pricking and counting the csrb in food before thinking about eating it. There are lots of type 2s that do use insulin but of course prevention by better dietary advice about carbohydrate is what all GPs and surgery nurses should be doing and not leaving people to believe they will be ok as long as they cut out sugar.

 

[douglas99]

@Enclave ....I believe his reason for saying he cannot get up is that he generally finds it difficult to wake up in the mornings.....I know he often gets up in the night because he says he can't sleep and then really goes to sleep in the early morning and sleeps through till about 11....am guessing this is partly due to badly controlled sugar levels...
.....today's episode was due to the fact that he had eaten cakes and chocolate whilst up during the night and I was in bed...he knows this and knows he shouldn't have eaten them - the cakes were only in the house because my mum and dad had been round, in hindsight I should have hid them...

I do feel that he has got into some bad habits with regards to sleeping like getting up during the night and coming back downstairs and not planning to get up at a regular time or what people expect as a reasonable time but it is a hard cycle to break....if he sorted this out I think it would help and would also ensure that he took his morning medication at the correct time and didn't skip breakfast...

His state of mind does seem a bit worse over the last week but am wondering if this is in part due to a change in pain medication...or as you say him being more aware of his failing health.....will discuss with nurse on Wednesday..

That was my sleeping pattern.
It knackers you, and completely destroys any intelligent function.
You wouldn't believe what I was tested for before I was diagnosed as diabetic.
I am guessing the sleep patterns were disturbed by high blood glucose screaming at my brain to wake up, the disturbed sleep meant I was not getting into REM, the tiredness meant eventually I passed out in the early hours, and then woke again, but could nap all day.
The worst bit was not being able to function in the day, then imagining all sorts of mental problems.
So, it all feeds on itself, and I can see myself in him.
The good news is once you get on top of it, you can see what's happened,
The problem is seeing it to get on top of it.

 

[Pip16]

Good luck tomorrow Molly. I will be thinking of you and hope that you can finally get the help you both so desperately need. X

 

[donnellysdogs]

@donnellysdogs ...appointment with diabetic nurse is tomorrow .....am reasonably prepared but will just make a couple of notes later....need to check the date he had the test and the date he started on new pain medication (Duloxetine) as I am wondering if this is having an effect on his blood sugar levels and the high readings of the last week...if so this may not be reflected in the HbA1c result as he had that a few weeks back...

Am determined to try to get a better result this time and to not just sit back and get fobbed off with the usual ....(ie do this do that and come back in three months)....or let him get away with making empty promises about doing some exercise...

...have got to be a bit more proactive in getting to the bottom of why he is feeling the way he is and 'ask her advice' on what else can be done to sort this......well at least that is the plan.....will have to see what transpires when we get there...

...re your comment about helmet and shinpads....am thinking a full set of body armour may be more appropriate....

edited: this will of course depend on him actually going along to the appointment tomorrow...he seems particularly irritable and argumentative today ...and anything I say is wrong....so I could easily see him refusing to attend...

Good luck Molly.... I hope you can get more resolved. I hope also that you have got a 30minute slot with the DSN...?

Sorry that you getting the irritability and argumentative responses today... Could well be high bloods and fear of the DSN.....

 

[Molly56]

I'm sorry, but YOU are disappointed that Molly is not considering marriage? She obviously has her reasons and I applaud her for not giving into someone's 'medical conditions' as it would appear that blackmail comes to mind, as blackmail is an ugly and a destructive word.
Whatever Molly does with her life or within the relationship is really none of our business, even though many are trying to help in some way.
I really feel for Molly and I hope she will at some point, get some peace and rest from the situation she is in. It's okay for us to say do this or do that ( hopefully constructive help) try this or that, but we aren't in that relationship and just looking in from the outside, so not involved or part of what is going on, 24/7.

I take off my hat to Molly in whatever she chooses to do, in the present or the future.
This is part of my signature " Life is full of challenges...............being happy shouldn't be one of them"

Bless you Molly and take good care

RRB x

@Robinredbreast ....your message has just reminded me of something when you mentioned about your signature......about ten years ago I was involved in a new community gardening project and I had the opportunity to talk to some mature students doing a course about social and therapeutic horticulture, something which I have a particular interest and passion in as part of my work involves that aspect of horticulture.

One student was particularly interested in how I had become involved and asked me to complete a questionnaire .....the last question was the one everyone hates at interviews "where would you like to be in ten years time".....not knowing where I wanted to be I wrote....... "Life is a journey.......wherever it takes me"

I have often over the years thought back to what I wrote and have often considered how the things that have happened in my life in terms of changes and decisions have been influenced in some way by that sentence......in a sense I am on that journey and currently this is where it has taken me.....

...another way of looking at it is like a book and this just happens to be the current chapter...

Thank you for your thoughts x

 

[Enclave]

Personally I am a little disappointed that you are not wanting to consider a life time with him .. re marriage .. he must know this and it will be adding to his problems of getting up in the mornings. Therefor may I suggest again that you talk to him of separating .. don't make him stay in a relationship thats not working or going to go anywhere.

Sorry Molly if this post has upset or caused offence .. your OH is so much like myself I let things get a little to personal .. i will not add to your thread any more

 

[Molly56]

Sorry Molly if this post has upset or caused offence .. your OH is so much like myself I let things get a little to personal .. i will not add to your thread any more

@Enclave.....no offence taken....I always value your input....

 

[pavlosn]

Sorry Molly if this post has upset or caused offence .. your OH is so much like myself I let things get a little to personal .. i will not add to your thread any more

@Enclave
I am sure that Molly values your input a great deal.

You obviously see a lot of yourself in Molly's OH and offer your input with the intention of helping both protagonists.

In many ways your posts that are more sympathetic towards the OH balance out some of the other more militant posts in this thread.

At the end of the day we can only advise based on what Molly tells us and after filtering the information through our own personal experiences. You are not doing anything different to the rest of us.

It is then up to Molly to decide what advise she wants to follow.

Pavlos

 

[pavlosn]

@Molly56

Fingers crossed that tomorrow offers some light at the end of the tunnel.

Pavlos