Cracker Jokes

RosieLKH

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735
Type of diabetes
Type 2
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Oh no... I've now found previous offerings:

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.” "Sod that," says Mick, "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid........then I was petrified.

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you’re obviously not listening.

The wife was counting all the 10p's and 20p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist pigs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloomin thing.

Local Police, hunting the 'knitting needle nutter’, who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it.

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked."

Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.

What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? Not sure, but the flag is a big plus.

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
 
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Andrew S

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Snobs! Angry people who keep getting angry and can't calm down.
I met the love of my life sharing a microphone in a recording studio. I am glad it turned into something more than just a one mike stand!
 

leeemerick

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Type of diabetes
Don't have diabetes
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Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
What's red white and black all over?



A newspaper!

(The 'red' of course would be 'read' written but spoils the joke a little)
 

Andrew S

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103
Type of diabetes
Type 2
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Snobs! Angry people who keep getting angry and can't calm down.
A joke I heard tonight at the Rat Pack show at Indigo 2. Something like:
I bought my mother-in-law a wooden leg for Christmas.
Was it her main present?
No, it was just a stocking filler!
 
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Andrew S

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103
Type of diabetes
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Snobs! Angry people who keep getting angry and can't calm down.
I pulled a cracker at the Christmas party. Shame I didn't get their phone number!
 
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Messages
18,448
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Bullies, Liars, Trolls and dishonest cruel people
What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
Santa's burps!


What is an elf's favorite type of music?
Wrap music


What disease do you get when you decorate for Christmas?
Tinsel-itis


How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
Nothing, it was "on the house!"

RRB :)
 
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izzzi

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Diet only
What's red and white and black all over
Santa Claus after he slid down the chimney.
 

leeemerick

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Messages
100
Type of diabetes
Don't have diabetes
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Where do snow men got to party?

The Snowball!
 

LittleGreyCat

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4,232
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Type 2
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Diet drinks - the artificial sweeteners taste vile.
Having to forswear foods I have loved all my life.
Trying to find low carb meals when eating out.
What do you call a man with a spade in his head?



Doug.
 
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What is Good King Wenceslas favourite meal?


Pizza, Deep pan, crisp and eaten
 
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eddie1968

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3,661
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Pasta, sorry to me it's vile, yeuch lol (and full of nasty carbs)
What do you call a German Coalminer ?
Hans Dirty
 
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eddie1968

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Pasta, sorry to me it's vile, yeuch lol (and full of nasty carbs)
Blind man is in Asda and lifts his guide dog up and starts swinging it around.
A shocked Manager rushes up to him and asks if there is a problem. He replies "No, I'm just taking a look around"
 
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Clivethedrive

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Jogging
Bert aged 25 ..my wife's an angel !
Jim aged 57. ....your lucky mines still alive
 
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Messages
18,448
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Bullies, Liars, Trolls and dishonest cruel people
Blind man is in Asda and lifts his guide dog up and starts swinging it around.
A shocked Manager rushes up to him and asks if there is a problem. He replies "No, I'm just taking a look around"

OMG, I assist a man with sight problems and help with his shopping, and tomorrow he wants to go to Asda to get stocked up for Christmas .

RRB
 
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eddie1968

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3,661
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Pasta, sorry to me it's vile, yeuch lol (and full of nasty carbs)
Irish man on death row is offered one last request before he goes to the Gas Chamber. He asks if he can have a piano and the baffled Warden agrees. After an hour of trying to gas him he's still playing away merrily. They stop the gas and open the door. Warden asks "How come you're not dead ?". The Irishman answers "TUNES help you breathe more easily !". Lol, gotta be a bit old to remember that tv ad.
 
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eddie1968

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Pasta, sorry to me it's vile, yeuch lol (and full of nasty carbs)
Hear about the Irish murderer ?
Dragged his wife off a cliff.
 
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Messages
18,448
Type of diabetes
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Bullies, Liars, Trolls and dishonest cruel people
Irish man on death row is offered one last request before he goes to the Gas Chamber. He asks if he can have a piano and the baffled Warden agrees. After an hour of trying to gas him he's still playing away merrily. They stop the gas and open the door. Warden asks "How come you're not dead ?". The Irishman answers "TUNES help you breathe more easily !". Lol, gotta be a bit old to remember that tv ad.

Doh :facepalm: lol

RRB
 
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