Humour

[Pura Vida]

 

[Pura Vida]

copied from diabetic health

 

[Pura Vida]

 

[Pasha]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes
blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter
and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants.
She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

 

[chris lowe]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes
blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter
and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants.
She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

 

[Doriand]

A father walks into a bookstore with his young son.
The boy is holding a quarter.

Suddenly, the boy starts choking, and goes
blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter
and starts to panic, shouting for help.

A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, carefully puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, arises from her seat, and makes her way, unhurriedly, across the book store.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants.
She takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist,
gently at first and then ever more firmly.

After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?""No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney".

New Years Eve on board a luxury liner and everyone's in full party mode, drinking, dancing and celebrating the fast approaching new year.
One lady was dancing rather vigorously when her dentures flew out of her mouth, bounced on the deck and into the deep blue sea...
Having ruined her new year celebration and the remainder of her cruise, she sat on a deck chair feeling sorry for her self then this kind, old gentleman approached her.He expertly measured her jaw with one hand, opened up his briefcase full of dentures, selected one it was a perfect fit! The lady smiled, showing all her perfect teeth. "You are the best Dentist that I have ever met!" "On no, my lady, I am no Dentist. I'm just a humble undertaker".............

 

[Frenchy Girl]

The Pope goes on a state visit to England and as he is fan of sportcars they order for a Ford Mustang with chauffeur to go and pick him up at the airport.
When the Pope sees it he asks if he can drive it himself so after a little discussion the pope goes behind the wheel and the chauffeur sits in the back.
The Pope speeds of on the motorway until he is caught up by a couple of policemen for excessive speeding.
One of the policemen goes to see who was in the Ford Mustang and comes back to his chief

- Chief we have caught a VIP
- Who's that the Police Chief?
- No sir more important
- What The Home Office Minister?
- No Sir much more important
- Who then? The Prime Minister?
- No sir much much more more important
- WHAT? Is it the American President?
- No sir far more important
- WHO THE HELL IS IT THEN?
- I don't know Sir but his Chauffeur is the Pope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Clivethedrive]

Did you hear about the drunk taking a short cut home through the cemetary late one night?
Well he was singing and drinking and not looking where he was treading..........falls into a deep newly dug grave
After shouting for help,and trying to get out ,he gives up a lays down and goes to sleep.
An hour passes by and a second drunk taking the same shortcut through the cemetary , he's singing and shouting loudly , and the first drunk in the grave hears him and shouts"help help get me out of here im freezing to death"
The second drunk looks down on the drunk in the grave and says " of course you are you've kicked all the dirt off yourself"

 

[Pasha]

Fresh pork.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

 

[Doriand]

Fresh pork.

https://www.youtube-nocookie.com/em...=1&vq=hd720&rel=0&showinfo=0&start=82&end=321

To think that some people ACTUALLY BELIEVE little piggy becomes sausages by turning a lever!!!!

 

[chris lowe]

Did you hear about the drunk taking a short cut home through the cemetary late one night?
Well he was singing and drinking and not looking where he was treading..........falls into a deep newly dug grave
After shouting for help,and trying to get out ,he gives up a lays down and goes to sleep.
An hour passes by and a second drunk taking the same shortcut through the cemetary , he's singing and shouting loudly , and the first drunk in the grave hears him and shouts"help help get me out of here im freezing to death"
The second drunk looks down on the drunk in the grave and says " of course you are you've kicked all the dirt off yourself"

My mum used to tell me a story about my Uncle Harry who was a fisherman and one night rolling home the worse for wear he did fall in the open grave, promptly went to sleep until morning, then scared the life out the mourners arriving for the funeraly by calling for help to get out. He also claimed that had seen the spaghetti harvest hundreds of time (an old April Fool on BBC Nationwide I think by Cliff Mitchelmore) He was a bit of a character to say the least.

 

[Pura Vida]

Money has different names!!!
In temple or church, it's called donation.
In school, it's fee.
In marriage, it's called dowry.
In divorce, called alimony.
When you owe someone, it's debt.
When you pay the government, it's tax.
In court, it's fines.
Civil servant retirees, it's pension.Employer to workers, it's salary.
Master to subordinates, it's wages.
To children, it's allowance.
When you borrow from bank, it's a loan.
When you offer after a good service, its tips.
To kidnappers, it's ransom.
Illegally received in the name of service, it's bribe.
The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???"
ANSWER:
Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his
duty because wives are not DUTY FREE.

 

[Doriand]

Money has different names!!!
In temple or church, it's called donation.
In school, it's fee.
In marriage, it's called dowry.
In divorce, called alimony.
When you owe someone, it's debt.
When you pay the government, it's tax.
In court, it's fines.
Civil servant retirees, it's pension.Employer to workers, it's salary.
Master to subordinates, it's wages.
To children, it's allowance.
When you borrow from bank, it's a loan.
When you offer after a good service, its tips.
To kidnappers, it's ransom.
Illegally received in the name of service, it's bribe.
The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???"
ANSWER:
Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his
duty because wives are not DUTY FREE.

There's a story going around about a rich businessman whose wife lost all her credit cards......He did not report it stolen for months because whoever stole it spends less than half than his wife use to!!!!!

 

[Robinredbreast]

A 15 yr old boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by the two, big, shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked " what is it father?" The father (who had never seen an elevator), responded,
" Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is"
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a liitle old lady pushing a 4 wheeled trolley moved into the moving walls and pressed a button. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then numbers began to light up in reverse order..........
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 20 something blonde stepped out.
The father not taking his eyes off the young woman said quietly to his son................
" Go get your mother "

 

[Frenchy Girl]

Here is one that the men will like

We all know that to get a Woman you need Time and Money. Now the more Money you have the less Time you need so:

Woman= Time x Money

Now Time is Money so:

Woman= Money x Money

So:

Woman= Money²

Now Money is the root of all Problems so:

Woman= √Problems²

SO:

Woman= Problems

 

[Doriand]

Here is one that the men will like

We all know that to get a Woman you need Time and Money. Now the more Money you have the less Time you need so:

Woman= Time x Money

Now Time is Money so:

Woman= Money x Money

So:

Woman= Money²

Now Money is the root of all Problems so:

Woman= √Problems²

SO:

Woman= Problems

If I show this equation to the wife, I will be sleeping on the couch.....again!!!!

 

[CollieBoy]

@Frenchy Girl,
You judge women too harshly.
Idiosyncratic yes, problems no!

edit (My wife made me write that!)

 

[Pura Vida]

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane
Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr.
Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

 

[Nektarin87]

Gooood one Rick

I happened to work for Carnival Cruise Lines and dispite of the really hard work I had a really good time sometimes.What I especially loved were the shows on the ship and the ideas, funny moments. For instant, there was a Kid jokes contest. As far as I know the young buddy just told the Cruise director the joke and ran away without entering, but that did the crack:

"What`s the favorite drink of a ninja?"
"Wateeeeeer"

 

[chris lowe]

Gooood one Rick

I happened to work for Carnival Cruise Lines and dispite of the really hard work I had a really good time sometimes.What I especially loved were the shows on the ship and the ideas, funny moments. For instant, there was a Kid jokes contest. As far as I know the young buddy just told the Cruise director the joke and ran away without entering, but that did the crack:

"What`s the favorite drink of a ninja?"
"Wateeeeeer"

When he was about four, my sons favourite joke was What to you call two thieves? A pair of nickers! then he would hold his hand over his mouth & giggle because he said a "rude" word