Am I being too controlling?

[RyansMum]

I am the parent of a 14 yr old boy diagnosed with type1 diabetes 8 weeks ago after months of losing weight but continually eating and drinking us out of house and home. At first we put it down to puberty but when we had to hide food at night to stop him finding it, we realised there was bigger issues and took him for a blood test. He spent 3 days in hospital when the results came back dangerously high and he seemed to except and adapt well to the condition, better than me at any rate, I cried alot that first week, especially when he asked the question "did I cause this by eating too much". The nurse obviously responded with "it's because of the diabetes you were doing it". Quilt then kicked in on my part for not realising sooner that there was a problem. His acceptance lasted until Xmas where he stopped testing and basically ate what he wanted all the while lying to us about it! Eventually caught him out when I said the diabetic nurse had phoned and wanted his testing machine to plug into her computer to review his readings (we had appointment at clinic that week) he then "lost" his machine, despite having used it an hour previous! To cut a long story short, he admitted what he'd been or not been doing as the case may be and "found" his machine! We agreed a new start from that day on, I promised to stop nagging him about testing and to put more trust in his judgement and he promised to test when he was supposed to and be more sensible with his choices of food outside the home. This only lasted a couple of weeks. To his credit he does test and he does give his insulin dose before meals but he is still eating things he shouldn't be and thinking he knows best! And he never washes his hands before testing despite the Diabetic Team and myself telling him how important it is to get accurate readings! Should I step back and let him get on with it or do I need to be constantly on his back given the severity of the condition. I'm fed up of the constant fighting, but I'm just so scared something will happen to him that could be avoided. I'm very lucky enough to have the support of my partner who is the voice of reason most days and who my son listens too when all I want to do is shout at him for not taking this seriously. Any advice from parents in the same boat would be gratefully received, many thanks.

 

[jack412]

I'm not T1 but this might help...
for him
http://www.diabetes.org.uk/Guide-to-diabetes/Teens/Help-and-support/We-can-help/Careline/
for you
http://www.diabetes.org.uk/careline
some suggestions for you
http://behavioraldiabetesinstitute.org/print-preview/BDITeenEtiquette.pdf

put these past the Dr / nurse to see what they think
he may need some counselling to come to terms with having diabetes, it's hard for boys to get their feelings out. try having a cuddle and a cry about it together, about how diabetes sucks..

reward the testing and injecting, ignore as much as you can. harping will turn him off more.

if he is on fixed dose. talk to the dr about basal bolus if not on it already, this and carb counting will give him greater flexibility in how many carbs he eats, as he can bolus for it.

he could lick his finger and wipe it on his trousers or discard first drop and test the second drop of blood. it would be better than not washing hands

 

[Engineer88]

form the non parental side I would let him go. if he is testing thats a win. Pick your battles about washing his hands. maybe get some disposable wipes (boots sell them but they are extortionate.)
or maybe go with not washing hands unless he feels the result is way off what he is expecting (this is what I do)

Could you look into getting him a pump and dexcom? makes life a millon times easier for both of you.

On the plus side think how much better his math will be because of all the number crunching

 

[Lazybones]

A very difficult time for both you as well as your son. Both of you as well as the immediate family will need to work together to both learn all that you can about controlling diabetes, food choices, exercise, insulin dosages etc:
It's just a thought but if your son can join a diabetic club for young people of his age in his area he might not only find a friend with the same condition with whom he can associate with, but it might help with taking the tension out of the current situation.
You will need to oversee his diabetes, but work with him even if it's only in the background. Don't force anything upon him at this stage and allow him with you, your husband, diabetic nurse to be cautiously guided. He's at the awkward age and having diabetes can only add to his current problems.
Take one day at a time. He might be rebellious at this moment, but he's not alone with his condition there are millions who have been there.

 

[RyansMum]

Thank you all for your comments and links. My son is a typical teenager only interested in Playstation at the moment, although he does play football twice a week. He is extremely difficult to talk to, well, about anything important anyway, preferring to put a brave face on it all 'I'm not bothered about being a diabetic' I do realise this is bravado. He has a nice group of friends who try to understand his condition but I feel they don't always help the situation. Early days I know.
Knowing there are people here in the same position who understand diabetes is truly helpful and I don't feel so alone, thank you

 

[Lazybones]

Just a further thought, It would also be advisable to notify your son's school, scout group or any social clubs that he attends, of his recent diabetes (Type 1) so that they will know what to do should there ever be any unforeseen diabetic difficulty in the future. His new condition will be something that I'm sure that they will have encountered many times before, so to them it won't be anything new.
As for yourself and your son, as I said earlier, take each day as it comes. There is so much to learn, what with insulin injections, foods and balancing things accordingly. When first diagnosed with diabetes there may seem to be a mountain of information to take in and absorb and you will wonder if you can ever cope what with a new revised eating and medication treatment, but let me say that you and your son aren't alone, we've all been there and we've all survived.
Should you have any queries or questions that you aren't sure of then please ask. You've made the right initial step and found here on this site, somewhere that can help and guide you and your son in this new direction. No one is at fault or to blame, these thing unfortunately do happen.
Take each day as it comes, learn a little more each day about diabetes and how to control and master it and we'll soon have you and your son speaking fluent 'Diabetes'

Best Wishes for the Future - Lazybones

 

[RyansMum]

Hi lazybones thanks again for yr comments,
His school is aware and we do have a care plan in place, should any problems arise there and his football manager is also aware and has a hypo kit in the kit bag, just in case.
Like I said before he's pretty good in some respects with the testing and the insulin shots, but he seems to pick and choose when he wants to be in control of it. I'm the one doing all the carb counting for him, but then when I pass comment about something he gets all huffy and says he's in control. I just want him to be ok. Half the time I don't know if he is being difficult because he's a teenager or diabetic?!
I think this forum will be invaluable to me in order to help him.
Thanks again

 

[L3wisr]

It should get easier. It may be different but when I was diagnosed I basically refused to find anything out about it due to the fact you have to accept the inevitable in some sense. The concept of looking. After yourself in such a way is daunting, especially as he's somyoung but it does get a heck of a lot easier as the weeks go on me you can establish a routine with having to change everything.

 

[RyansMum]

That's for sharing from the other perspective, i can only imagine what it must be like to be the one with the life altering condition. I guess with time it becomes easier to adapt to but the teenager years are the hardest no doubt for you but also the person trying to care for you. I guess it's a learning curve for everyone involved.
Thanks for commenting, all comments and thoughts welcomed

 

[AnnieC]

Hi Your son sounds like the typical teenage boy and probably the worst time he could be diagnosed with diabetes as hormones will be racing and he probably is going through a rebellious stage as teens do the "parents don't know anything" stage. It is so hard for him to see his friends carrying on as usual and eating what they like and suddenly he is not supposed to do that anymore he is the different one now and kids hate being different to their mates. It really needs someone outside the family either another teen with diabetes or a least someone who knows how difficult it is for them to adjust to this strange new way of life. Perhaps your surgery knows of another teenager with diabetes that could speak to you son about how they cope and some counselling might help as well.

 

[RyansMum]

Thanks AnnieC,
When he was diagnosed it was a huge relief at first to be honest, at least we had a reason for his erratic behaviour and for all the food he was constantly craving. At one point we thought he was bulimic because he'd consume so much food but was skeleton skinny!
Then reality hit and it was like 'he's insulin dependent for life' and even now I can't get my head around it, he says he has but I don't think he has any idea how this will affect the rest of his life. He's a clever boy, he wants to to uni but the thought of it absolutely terrifies me now, given the uni lifestyle! Then I get angry and think 'why him?' 'Its not fair!'
But truth is why not him? There are worst things that could happen in life, diabetes is controllable and at least it's a healthy way of living.
I wish he would talk to other diabetics, but he won't. There are a few at his school, all younger and girls, so he has no interest. Hopefully with age this will change and he will want to talk about it with others, that is certainly what I'm learning on here from other young people that once the awkward years are over they start to accept and talk about it. Other peoples thoughts and views have been extremely helpful to me, thank you so much

 

[the_anticarb]

This reminds me of me when I was first diagnosed. I was 15. I remember being 'good' and accepting of it for a few weeks. Like your son, I was diagnosed in November. By the time Christmas rolled around, I remember eating some tree chocolates and thinking 'nothing bad's happened, what's all the fuss about.' It is a difficult illness to get at any age. But I do think the teen years - too old to have your parents do everything for you, too young to realise the seriousness of it all -is particularly difficult.

I wish I knew what to say. In my day, the diabetes advice and support from the hospital wasn't great. There was also no internet so I did feel very alone and different, something no teenager wants to feel.

I would encourage your son to try and engage with other young diabetics, maybe via this forum. Something about connecting with someone in a similar boat, who is managing it, can be very motivating. It will be a really difficult road ahead of him I'm afraid to say, and leaving home and going to uni there will be the temptation to lapse control and put diabetes on the back burner that was my experience anyway. I think the habits you form in the first year of diagnosis become the norm, so it's really good to establish good habits early on.

I'm not sure how your son will respond to scare tactics, sometimes they can have the opposite effect and make people switch off, but there are plenty of stories on here of what happens to people who don't look after themselves, I myself have struggled with retinopathy and would almost certainly be blind by now without many laser surgeries, and I still have some peripheral damage to one eye.

It's hard to see that far ahead (pardon the pun) when you're young though, it's really difficult to link actions to consequences at that age

Good luck

 

[RyansMum]

The problem is as a parent I'm thinking long term while he can't see past his next FIFA football game on Playstation! And like you said "nothing's happened to me yet" as he sneaks in another bar of chocolate. So he can't associate everything bad he's heard about diabetes as he's suffered no ill effects of his cheating, not that I'd want him to but it might give him the wake up call he so needs, it's a vicious circle!
But am I being too controlling? That's my issue at the moment, he's the important one who is coping with the blood tests and insulin shots, should I back off? Am I making problems where there aren't any? I don't know. He doesn't know I'm on here taking about him, I don't think he'd like it. Hopefully in time he'll find the comfort in talking to others about his condition, but I can't see that being soon, as he doesn't want to see himself as different from his friends.
Thank you so much for your comments like I said before it really helps to hear other peoples experiences, I don't feel so alone.
Thanks again

 

[Robinredbreast]

Thank you all for your comments and links. My son is a typical teenager only interested in Playstation at the moment, although he does play football twice a week. He is extremely difficult to talk to, well, about anything important anyway, preferring to put a brave face on it all 'I'm not bothered about being a diabetic' I do realise this is bravado. He has a nice group of friends who try to understand his condition but I feel they don't always help the situation. Early days I know.
Knowing there are people here in the same position who understand diabetes is truly helpful and I don't feel so alone, thank you

You sound like so many parents with newly diagnosed children. It's scary, worrying, anxious and 'always there' honestly you are not alone. Kids are tough individuals but sometimes they need a guiding hand with a little nudge here and there, it's hard but it's trying to get that happy medium. A good trick is, lots of deep breaths and count to ten. It will get easier and less fraught for you as time goes by. Diabetes, as a chronic medical condition, is not on show for all to see,such as a broken arm or leg, it's hidden, so as long as he has an injection, a couple of tests, all is okay then? but we all know ( with type 1) it's not as simple as that. Try not to worry to much, ( hard I'm sure) but he does sound like a good lad.
Take care RRB

 

[Phlogiston]

Fourteen's a funny old age. They've learned quite a lot about the world and started maturing into adults, but yet they're still kids.
The peer pressure and advertising pressure is for food that is not the best choice for regular food for anyone, let alone a diabetic.
Sometimes kids of this age respond better to advice from someone outside the family. Maybe the health centre will be able to put him in touch with a slightly older "cool" male who is controlling his condition better.
I would be prioritising the things you need to get him to do.
Best wishes
Adam

 

[BethAliceC]

From the kids side, iv had exactly this problem with my testing and my parents when I was young. If he's still testing and showing you then that is a major win at this age. Try keep calm with him its a lot to deal with and be careful about talking to doctors about him, be sure he trusts them enough for them to step in about counselling. Does he have this app? If not you should get him on something like this. I wish that I could have had this kind of thing at that stage. Talking to people with the same problems is a serious help and helps you take a step back from getting angry about people that care asking questions a lot.

He should get someone to talk too it does really help

But again if he's still testing it is a very good thing, he's still talking control

 

[RyansMum]

Thank you all for your comments they really are helping me which in turn helps him because it makes me feel less alone and stressed! I mean today we popped into town and were gone only an hour and he had scrambled egg on toast and beans on toast in that short time and that's after having Weetabix for breakfast! Is it greed? Is he hungry? Is he not on enough insulin? I don't get it! Or is it typical teenager syndrome - it's there so therefore I'll eat it!
I love my son but he drives me completely mad, I pick my battles with him preferring to remain same (especially at the weekend I'm more lenient) but I feel at the end of the day he may be diabetic but he should still respect the rules of the house and stop stealing good!
I agree he needs to talk to others his own age about the battles he is now facing but I can't see it happening for a while! I will keep mentioning it but won't force the issue.
Thanks again for your comments, they are going a long way to help us

 

[RyansMum]

Remain sane ^

 

[catherinecherub]

He is a growing lad @RyansMum. I have three boys and when they were young teenagers their appetites were enormous.

One of my boys used to bring a friend to tea sometimes who was a Type1 diabetic and I used to hear him say things like, "My mum goes on and on about my diabetes, she won't let up". I suggested that was because she cared about him and wanted the best for him.. He replied, that if she would just leave him alone for one day he would feel so much better as she hadn't got diabetes and had no idea how he felt.

It is a difficult age as others have said, raging hormones, trying to establish an identity, wanting to fit in with their peers and then along comes diabetes and mucks it all up for them. I am sure he resents being diabetic, but will gradually learn to live with it.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can.
((((hugs))))

 

[anna29]

Would he like to chat to others similar age to himself .
Here on the forum we have threads with lots of teenagers on .

Able to share,chat,express themselves within their own threads .

Sometimes they open up more this way and style .
It is can be an age thing with them sometimes .

They feel us older ones simply don't GET them .
Especially the parents somedays - despite having fantastic supportive
loving parents .
You can feel the target of their frustrations,hormones,anger .
Quite alone and very hurt ((hug))

Here is a link to the forum I have mentioned of -
http://www.diabetes.co.uk/forum/category/children-teens.46/