Humour

[Clivethedrive]

My New Neighbour
My New Neighbour

She's single . . . ..


She lives right across the road.


I can see her place from my deck.


I watched as she got home from work this evening.


I was surprised when she walked across the

Street and up my driveway and

Knocked on my door.


I rushed to open it, she looks at me and says,

"I just got home, and I am so horny! I have

This strong urge to have a good

Time, get drunk, and make love all night long!

Are you busy tonight?"


I quickly replied, "Nope, I'm Free,
and I have no plans at all!"


She said, "Great! Could you

watch my dog?"

Doh

 

[Pura Vida]

ALL RIGHT , MEN WHICH LINE ARE YOU IN????????????


HUSBANDS IN HEAVEN


When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."


Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men. The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.


God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."


God turned to the one man, "How did you manage to be the only one in this line?"


The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."

 

[Pura Vida]

Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping
on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
"

 

[Pura Vida]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde. The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."
The driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and handed it to the
policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

from Diabetic daily

 

[Pura Vida]

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Fwd: Fwd: Greek Divorce..





Subject: Greek Divorce..
A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in
Greece, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge
that since she had brought the children into this world,
she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge
asked for his side of the story.
After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair
and replied: "Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending
machine, and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to
me or to the machine?"

DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!!




This email is free from viruses and malware because avast! Antivirus protection is active.

 

[Pura Vida]

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority,
try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie,
a German, an American, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian,
a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss,
a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist
and an African went to a night club.

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

 

[Pura Vida]

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"
The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

 

[Pura Vida]

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year
old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting
expensive and
I
think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well
enough to discuss money with him.

 

[Pura Vida]

Abby,
I've
suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with
the evidence, he denied everything
and
said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son
writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good
Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined
the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear
Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an
hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear
Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman
whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my
husband lost all interest
in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Dear Abby,
I
have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm
carrying is his.

 

[Pura Vida]

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q:Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?
A:Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q:What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A:Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q:Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?
A:Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."
Q:How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?
A:Tell him you're pregnant.
Q:How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A:Take off your glasses.
Q:Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A:Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q:Why should 60 plus year old people use valet parking?
A:Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q:Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A:Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q:As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A:Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q:Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A:On their foreheads.
Q:What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A:"Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE, You've still got your

 

[Pura Vida]

Nine Important Facts
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't
Last that long.

 

[Pura Vida]

Educators challenging students for a better life. A sample test
follows.

1. Lajames has an AK-47 with a 200-round magazine. He usually misses 9
of
every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many
mofos can Lajames ice on a drive-by before he gotta reload?

2. Willie has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio
for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what be the street value of the rest
of his ****?

3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks
per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?

4. Raul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make
a 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to gets the 20%
upside?

5. Ray-Ray gets $2000 for a stolen BMW, $1500 for stealing a Corvette,
and $1000 for a 4 x 4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more
Corvettes must he steal to make the 10k for his brother's bail?

6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If
his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be
left when he gets out?

7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with three 8 oz. cans
of spray paint with 20% paint left over?

8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There be 20 girls in his
gang. What be the percentage of bitches Tyrone knocked up?

9. Lafawnda is a lookout for the gang. Lafawnda also has a Boa
Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Lafawnda makes $700 a
week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed her snake with one week's
income?

10. Marvin steals Juan's skateboard. As Marvin skates away at 15mph,
Juan loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Juan 20 seconds to load his piece,
how far away will Marvin be when he gets whacked?

 

[Pasha]

HOW IS NORMA?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me howa patient is doing?"


The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the nameand room number of the patient?"


The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, Norma Findlay, Room 302."


The operator replied,

"Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said,"I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and herPhysician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."


The grandmother said,
"Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the goodNews."


The operator replied,
"You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me ****."

 

[Pasha]

 

[Pura Vida]

HAPPY EASTER TO ALL!

All I need to know

I learned from the Easter Bunny!

• 
  
  
  • Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

• 
  
  
  • Everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

• 
  
  
  • There's no such thing as too much candy.

• 
  
  
  • All work and no play can make you a basket case.

• 
  
  
  • A cute tail attracts a lot of attention.

• 
  
  
  • Everyone is entitled to a bad hare day.

• 
  
  
  • Let happy thoughts multiply like rabbits.

• 
  
  
  • Some body parts should be floppy.

• 
  
  
  • Keep your paws off of other people's jelly beans.

• 
  
  
  • Good things come in small, sugar coated packages.

• 
  
  
  • The grass is always greener in someone else's basket.

To show your true colors, you have to come out of the shell.

The best things in life are still sweet and gooey.

May the joy of the season fill your heart.

Happy Easter!

 

[JTL]

Nine Important Facts
Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
Number 4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your ass tomorrow.
...and as someone recently said:
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't
Last that long.

Oi ... where's six?

 

[Pura Vida]

Oi ... where's six?

You noticed! # 6 is off color ,( below the belt ) so I DELETED IT

 

[Pura Vida]

Subject: Happy Easter Everyone - Watch out for the RCMP

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg.

When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was just fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket. The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly.

He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...

You might as well take me to jail ... "Cause there's no way I can pass that test

 

[Pura Vida]

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport. The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well-mannered elderly woman from the South.
When the conversation centered on whether they had any children, the California woman started by saying, "When my first child was born, my husband built a beautiful mansion for me."
The lady from the south commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued, "when my second child was born, my husband bought me a fancy new Mercedes-Benz".

Again, the lady from the South commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman continued boasting, "Then when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Southern lady commented, "Well, bless your heart."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
"My husband sent me to charm school," declared the Southern lady.
"Charm school?" the first woman cried out with laughter. "Oh, my God -- what on earth for?
The Southern lady calmly responded, "Well, for example, instead of saying, "Who gives a --------, I learned to say, "Well, bless your heart."

 

[Wall-e]

Will have to use this on my nurse at m next check up, see if she finds it funny. LOL