It's good to laugh.....

Topmansmithy

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Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
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modern life
Susie visits the Doc's complaining that she is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds".

When Susie returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Susie nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.


"No, from skipping."
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
A young man was infatuated with a certain young woman at work. Every day
his eyes would follow her wistfully, but he was so timid he couldn't
work up the courage to speak to her.

"Every time I open my mouth," he told his best friend, "I get so
embarrassed that I wish I could shrink down into a tiny pebble!"

"Get over it!" his friend responded. "If you really want to get the
girl, you'll just have to be a little boulder!"
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
A man went to his friend's costume party with nothing but a naked
girl on his back.

"So what are you supposed to be?" the host asked.

"I'm a snail," the man replied.

"What a load of garbage!" the host spat. "How can you be a snail
when all you've got is that naked girl on your back?"

"That's not a naked girl," the man replied, "that's Michelle."
 

Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
The little 4 year old climbed up on Grandpa's knee. Sweetly she
asked, "Gampa, would you make a noise like a frog?"

Grandpa smiled and said, "Why do you want me to make a noise like a
frog?"

"Well," said Susie, "Grandma says when you croak, we're all going to
Disneyland."
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
Q: What do you call a nun riding piggyback on the hunchback of
Notre Dame?

A: Virgin on the ridiculous.
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
Two women are chatting when one says her husband has bought her a mood ring, the second asks how it works.

"Well" says the first, "when I'm in a good mood the ring turns green, and when I'm in a bad mood it leaves a red mark on my husbands forehead"
 
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merlindine

Member
Messages
8
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Tablets (oral)
Golfer playing badley,says to caddy ,im going to throw my clubs in lake ,jump in myself and drown myself
caddy says ,you dont have to worry about that,you could never keep your head down
 

Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."


Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."


Wife texts back 5 minutes later:

"Computer really messed up now.”
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
So Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, "I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is." He said, "You have to love Easter, baby."
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
So this lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
So I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, that's aboriginal.
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
So I went to the record shop and I said “What have you got by The Doors?” He said: “A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!”
 
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Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
 

donnellysdogs

Master
Messages
13,233
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Pump
Dislikes
People that can't listen to other people's opinions.
People that can't say sorry.
True life...

Went to garden at a mansion yesterday....

It is rented out for 2 weeks for "soft porn movies" to be made.

I felt that they would be using me as "confessions of a gardener!!!"...

Lots more but only this that I can print!!!!
 

Topmansmithy

Well-Known Member
Messages
486
Type of diabetes
Type 2
Treatment type
Non-insulin injectable medication (incretin mimetics)
Dislikes
modern life
My friends got 68 sheep on his farm - he said to me could i round them up for him - i said ok........70
 
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