Unraveled... Time to regroup!

[AsIFall]

Im not completely sure that I'm posting in the right place but here goes... I had decided after suffering from a back complaint for 3 months, that as soon as I was back on my feet I would get some control over my eating habits and weight issues. My 39th birthday was to be my final fling and I would begin my 40's in better mental and physical shape! 2 weeks after my birthday and making great inroads towards cutting out rubbish from my diet, I received my diagnosis of diabetes. Which frankly sucked. I hit the ground running, having already cut the majority of carbs from my diet, ridding myself of even low GI foods that I had originally allowed to stay and managed to go from 21.2 stone to 16 stone 10 in 4 months or so. I also reduced my hba1c from 50 to 37.
I was over the moon and I thought these 2 things would be enough to inspire me onwards and upwards. Then I hit a plateau. My weight didn't move for a week and even though logically I knew this was quite normal, the longer it went on, the more I lost focus and emotionally unravelled.
I have always had a very ugly, very complicated relationship with foods, due to childhood issues of which I won't go into, but were pretty horrendous. I am an emotional eater and I binge during times of high stress and/or high emotion. I punish myself with food when I feel worthless and I reward myself when happy and content. A contradiction. Any heightened emotion makes me reach for the food. So, although I have replaced positive emotions with watching the scale number fall and with exercise and generally feeling better, I just can't get a handle on negative emotional responses and using food to make me feel better. So when the scale stopped moving, you can imagine what happened. Last night, I fell asleep with the worst migraine ever because my body is just not used to the rubbish I have consumed in the last 5 days. I've looked for local meeting groups for eating disorders/issues, but I can't find anything close enough that I can fit my needs distance or time wise.
Can anyone relate to my situation? Has anyone managed to overcome a similar response/relationship to food and can offer up some much needed insight as to how I can battle through this? I'm devastated that I've allowed this to happen when I was doing so well and feeling so much healthier.

 

[ButtterflyLady]

Yes, I can relate. I went from a BMI of 46 to 27 in a year, felt great, and then plateaud. Carbs crept back in and I gained weight. I'm now back on my LCHF and in 10 days I have lost 2kg/4lb and never felt better.

What helped me was to spend enough time seriously considering getting back on the wagon before I did it. For months I continued to eat carbs while I made sure I had enough motivation to stick at LCHF again. When I was ready I came back to it, and after the first few days of feeling a bit yuck, I now feel great and it is easy.

When I am not eating right, I feel physically ill - fatigued, bloated, sore etc. I'm more prone to infections and I know I'm heading towards diabetic complications which may not be reversible. I basically reason myself into a position of "I need to eat right or I will just be sick and be miserable until I die, early and painfully."

I don't know how an overeating disorder can be overcome using psychology. Apparently it is possible but I have never been able to achieve it. For me, the only thing that works is LCHF, because the low carbs helps my body, and the higher fats help me feel full, satisfied and not craving carbs.

Last night I was tempted to eat carbs because of an emotional upset and I toughed it out because my goal of health is a higher priority than feeling better for about 5 seconds until I feel worse emotionally because I overate.

I'm 42 and I've been overeating for most of my life, in between yoyo diets. I know what I need to do. I'm tired of the pain of being overweight.

 

[AsIFall]

Yes, I tried the whole psychology thing, going so far as to get a degree in the discipline. I've helped myself heaps through a lot of issues and been through plenty of therapy. This is the one area I cant seem to get a consistant hold on. Being told to be 'fully conscious' of what I'm putting in my mouth, or turn off the TV and have no distractions when eating, isn't very helpful. For a start, my children do not have 'off' switches and they can be quite the distraction!
I take comfort in the fact that I only spent five days in a state of unhappy binging. Progress in as much that it usually takes much longer to get a grip. Although I didn't eat totally to plan today.
Low carb is perfect for me as I have always said I couldn't give up butter, cream or bacon! I'm very happy eating this way. On so many levels, I can commit to the diet very well and in all other areas my will power and self control is excellent. But the food/mood connection was created in me before I had any idea about what willpower ever was. As a tiny child. It's so deep seated in me that I just can't untangle it. I see the logical connection and it's so frustrating that I continue to struggle with the same issues over and over! Watching the number fall is the thing that had replaced the food reward. I need to get out of the habit of the food 'punishment' when it doesn't fall because I'm tired of it too

 

[ButtterflyLady]

Yes, I tried the whole psychology thing, going so far as to get a degree in the discipline. I've helped myself heaps through a lot of issues and been through plenty of therapy. This is the one area I cant seem to get a consistant hold on. Being told to be 'fully conscious' of what I'm putting in my mouth, or turn off the TV and have no distractions when eating, isn't very helpful. For a start, my children do not have 'off' switches and they can be quite the distraction!
I take comfort in the fact that I only spent five days in a state of unhappy binging. Progress in as much that it usually takes much longer to get a grip. Although I didn't eat totally to plan today.
Low carb is perfect for me as I have always said I couldn't give up butter, cream or bacon! I'm very happy eating this way. On so many levels, I can commit to the diet very well and in all other areas my will power and self control is excellent. But the food/mood connection was created in me before I had any idea about what willpower ever was. As a tiny child. It's so deep seated in me that I just can't untangle it. I see the logical connection and it's so frustrating that I continue to struggle with the same issues over and over! Watching the number fall is the thing that had replaced the food reward. I need to get out of the habit of the food 'punishment' when it doesn't fall because I'm tired of it too

I really get what you are saying... I was also taught about food as a reward as a small child and such patterns are so hard to change. I get a lot of pleasure watching the numbers fall. Probably that is what keeps me going, the feedback from the scales and the BG meter, and how well I feel, and clothes fitting better and people commenting on how I look.

I also give in to cravings in a way, because at those times I have a small amount of berries and thickened cream, which feels guilt-free to me, while making me feel satisfied for up to a couple of hours.

 

[Larissima]

I have experience with addictive overeating (unfortunately), and as I see it it's not something that can ever be overcome once and for all; I have to be aware every day, every time I feel like eating, that I am making a choice. That choice is between eating something that feels pleasurable or needed (even when it's for punishing myself, for example I used to eat potfulls of pasta even though it gave me horrible reflux) and eating (or not) for long-term health results. One good thing about this approach is that there is no wagon to fall off, you have a choice every time - I found that useful as I used to think "oh, ate something wrong, might as well continue bingeing for the weekend/week/month..."

It gets easier, then harder again - I have also lost a significant amount of weight in the last few months (not as much as you, OP - very well done, BTW, and also CatLadyNZ) but felt discouraged as there is still so much more to go. Recently I have found myself snacking mindlessly and eating more at meals, even though low carb, but still more than I need. I just have to remember to think before approaching the fridge... I should probably also reread the book that helped me click last time: Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley.

I strongly recommend that book to everyone who struggles with overeating, not because I agree with everything that's in it (actually, I argued with it a few times), but because of the practical, easy to use techniques as well as a lot of eye-opening excuses-bashing. It has definitely helped me avoid bariatric surgery, I hope it can help me again to get at least close to normal weight, and I hope it helps you too!

 

[ButtterflyLady]

I have experience with addictive overeating (unfortunately), and as I see it it's not something that can ever be overcome once and for all; I have to be aware every day, every time I feel like eating, that I am making a choice. That choice is between eating something that feels pleasurable or needed (even when it's for punishing myself, for example I used to eat potfulls of pasta even though it gave me horrible reflux) and eating (or not) for long-term health results. One good thing about this approach is that there is no wagon to fall off, you have a choice every time - I found that useful as I used to think "oh, ate something wrong, might as well continue bingeing for the weekend/week/month..."

It gets easier, then harder again - I have also lost a significant amount of weight in the last few months (not as much as you, OP - very well done, BTW, and also CatLadyNZ) but felt discouraged as there is still so much more to go. Recently I have found myself snacking mindlessly and eating more at meals, even though low carb, but still more than I need. I just have to remember to think before approaching the fridge... I should probably also reread the book that helped me click last time: Eating Less: Say Goodbye to Overeating by Gillian Riley.

I strongly recommend that book to everyone who struggles with overeating, not because I agree with everything that's in it (actually, I argued with it a few times), but because of the practical, easy to use techniques as well as a lot of eye-opening excuses-bashing. It has definitely helped me avoid bariatric surgery, I hope it can help me again to get at least close to normal weight, and I hope it helps you too!

Great post, and thank you for your congratulations.

 

[AsIFall]

Thank you @CatLadyNZ and @Larissima for sharing your experiences me with. Although I'm not exactly happy others are in a similar boat, it is nice to not feel like I'm the only one!
I really struggled through yesterday whilst trying to order my thoughts and push back the destructive voice which sometimes overwhelms the order. I eventually found a place from which I could come up with some positive ideas for how to manage the negative issues, which continually break into my hardwork!

Firstly, I placed an order for the book that you mentioned @Larissima and that you say I have a choice really resonated with me. As a child I didn't, and that is a huge difference between then and now.

I realise that the summer holiday diverts me away from my usual routine. I almost hung on to the end! I thrive from routine and forward planning and look forward to regaining that aspect of my life back on Monday, safe in the knowledge that I won't have to face 7 weeks of flexibility for another year!
I went and did a massive supermarket shop yesterday and filled the fridge, freezer and pantry with sensible choices and as soon as I hit 'post reply', I'm going to do four things:

1. Create a menu plan for the next week (at least)
2. Create an excerise plan for the next week involving lots of walks and bike rides, including the chance to be by myself for a while. I do my best thinking walking and biking and part of my recent problems are a result of me not making time to hang out in my own head, think things through and make clear decisions.
3. I plan to make a motivational wall with photos and positive thoughts and ideas and anything else that seems to fit there. My plan is, when I feel like I'm about to unravel, I will look at the wall and remind myself why I am making these positive changes to my life. My father's photograph will be at the center of everything. He died in his mid 50's of heart disease and I nearly died of a broken heart. I don't want that for my children.
4. Last but never least, I'm off out for a bike ride with my boy to top up my happy

Once again, my wholehearted thanks to you both, I found strength from your replies. Best wishes on your continued journeys

 

[ButtterflyLady]

Sounds great, @AsIFall Your posts have helped me too.

 

[Larissima]

Great action plan, @AsIFall ! Thank you for reminding me to restart menu planning - I completely forgot about it, although it served me well, due to August holidays then hosting friends and family at ours. This thread has been really motivating and supportive for me too