@ExtremelyW0rried
But I do think some support with your anxiety would benefit you. You have a wonderful, precious daughter - yet your anxiety is interfering with your enjoyment of her. Just get that concern dialled back a bit to the normal level all parents have, and then you can enjoy every minute of your time with your children
It's
incredibly normal for parents of children who had a rocky start, who had to worry and believe and fight for them right from the start, to carry that anxiety with them - I've seen families where completely healthy, happy teenagers who were SCUBU / PICU babies are still being anxiously worried over by parents who never resolved that anxiety.
I've read this thread - there's a lot of very good, well-informed, sensible people here all saying that your daughter is fine, and you taking every single point made and batting it aside. You're still in "Fight for her life" mode, still protecting her, still struggling to believe that she is happy and healthy and that you've won the fight - she's yours, she's safe and she's here for good. After such a rough and intense start to her life, it can be really hard to believe it.
There is counselling available for this. It's a deeply personal, intimate process that you're going through and people often get stuck in this stage after caring intensely for a loved one - especially when that loved one is a new, desperately loved baby. Please, please get some advice from your GP about finding help to move on from this; it'll be so much better for you and your family as they grow to have a relaxed, confident Mum who can accurately assess risk and not worry over things unnecessarily (you will still worry, though!).
Honestly, your daughter is fine: feed anyone 10 grapes and follow that with apple juice and they'll have a blood spike -
no-one tests before 2 hours after eating for that very reason - and you shouldn't be, either. Your daughter is a touch overweight - lots of kids are. A lot of the best people this forum has to offer in terms of sensible, evidence-based, experienced advice have tried to reassure you - and will all continue to support you for as long you're here (and I hope that's aaaaaaaaages!), but I think you need to talk to your GP about your needs now.
It's not selfish to think about what's going on with you. And it'll make you stronger, more confident, more capable,
happier parent.
Really, really,
@ExtremelyW0rried you're taking excellent care of your daughter, she's not going anywhere now - you've got her and she's fine. Find help for you <3
EDIT: I found a link (I really should look before I post) that may be of interest to you - scroll down to the "What's It Like For Parents?" section.
https://thepsychologist.bps.org.uk/volume-25/edition-3/paediatric-intensive-care
Early studies of parents’ experiences in this setting tended to focus on how parents felt while the child was still in intensive care, but recent longitudinal studies indicate elevated levels of anxiety and post-traumatic stress for many months after discharge (Balluffi et al., 2004; Bronner et al., 2010). They also report a tendency to be somewhat over-protective, even where the child has made a good recovery (Colville et al., 2008). As has been found in studies of children’s psychological adjustment after PICU, the relationship with objective measures of severity of illness (such as number of days on a ventilator or number of injuries) is weak. Parents’ subjective sense of the degree to which their child’s life is in danger is a much stronger determinant of their later distress (Balluffi et al., 2004).
This is incredibly common among PICU families - don't feel singled out in the slightest. But do seek help. There's every chance you're still experience the after-shocks of a shocking and intense situation.
Much love x