How do you tell people

[NoKindOfSusie]

Hello

At some point in the next few weeks I am going to have to tell my parents that I have type 1 diabetes.

There is no good way to do this. There are only horrible ways to do this which will lead to them being angry that I didn't do it better. I have spoken to them and not mentioned it so I am already guilty of lying by omission. They live thousands of miles away. I will see them in a few weeks.

I could leave it until I see them. That's quite attractive but I am not sure I want to be stuck living with them for their initial reaction.

I could do it by email but it seems really cold and callous.

I could do it by phone but it leaves me exposed to their anger again that I didn't tell them immediately.

The reason I didn't tell them immediately is that I didn't want to do it when I was still a complete basket case, because my ability to handle it would not have been very good. I probably let it slip too long and I am an idiot for doing that but the situation remains that I have to tell them at some point.

I even thought about posting a thread on this forum about it and emailing them a link. Then at least you guys could help me calm them down.

Any ideas whatsoever would be great. It's just another layer of horrible on top of the whole thing and I could use anything. I am desperate.

Mindi

 

[catapillar]

Just have a normal conversation with them @NoKindOfSusie , explain that you didn't tell them immediately because you were struggling to get your head around it, I'm sure they will be abit distressed at the delay but I wouldn't have thought they will be angry.

I wouldn't have thought a discussion about genes is likely to smooth the relationship. Should the OPs parents express particular interest in the cause of type 1 diabetes then explaining its an autoimmune disease and no one knows what causes it will probably cover it.

 

[Robbieswan]

Due to the dramatic nature of me collapsing I didn't have your issue..but the hardest thing for me is trying to tell my kids. The issue I have is trying to educate them on something I am still educating myself about. Direct contact and a frank discussion is best in my view. Hard at the time I grant you but later on you'll be glad you did it.

 

[ObscureMH]

In these digital times I did use WhatsApp to tell my siblings and in-laws, just because it was easier and didn't have to repeat the story several times. I did sign off saying it's life changing not life threatening....
But, I did phone my Mum to tell her directly. Luckily I could start with a joke saying "thanks for my inheritance", given she has diabetes herself. Doesn't sound like that would appropriate for you, but I think best to tell your Mum and Dad directly, and I agree that you just say you needed time to process it yourself before you could speak to someone about it. I left it at least 3 weeks before anyone outside my wife and kids were told, and that was when I was over the "why me?" phase and was into my own plan of action.
Also, if you've got a plan of action, bring that to the conversation as soon as you can to put them at ease. I'm sure they'll be keen to support you. As a dad myself I'd just wanna give you a hug and help you through it.
Good luck.
Mark

 

[Jo123]

It's a hard one. I've just had a heart attack out of the blue and I didn't tell my mum straightaway because I couldn't cope with reassuring her as well as myself. She did go on and on about it and I've had to have a go at her twice about this and this was the reason I didn't tell her.
I would email them telling them exactly why you didn't tell them, say how much you are shocked and stressed yourself and couldn't cope with telling them.
I know how hard it is, good luck!

 

[Ross.Walker]

Hello

I would say without any shame, you did not do this to yourself. Be straightforward and factual, there will always be emotions involved, I lined up a family member to reassure dad when he had questions.
It will turn to a bit of kid gloves in all likeliness and as the weeks go on when you show what you are capable of it can become very supportive, but it in my view must start with you being honest and factual.

hope this view helps

 

[NoKindOfSusie]

Thanks everyone.

I think they will know I didn't bring it on myself, or at least my dad will. He will know at least as much as I knew, and I would have known that type 1 is not connected to lifestyle/eating/whatever. I think he'll also be upset but he is not good at sharing the way he feels so I am not sure what the best approach is.

The main question is tell them now or tell them when I get there, neither option is nice.

 

[slip]

Mindi it is good to see you on here.

Call them, let them know, they'll just be glad you're safe, And at the end of the day that's all that matters, doesn't matter what they say or feel you're safe and going to see them soon.

 

[Chook]

Being a Mum with a very grown up daughter I've found from experience that it's probably best to tell them by phone first - something along the lines of 'You know I've been feeling pretty rough recently well I've been to the doctor and thankfully it's not cancer (pause) it's 'just' diabetes'.

Yes, I know that there isn't any such thing as 'just' diabetes but this is a tactic my daughter used ALL the time and it works. I'm always so pleased it's not the first really horrible thing she says that it's not so bad to hear what it really is. Then I get time to absorb the situation / do some research before we get to talk about it again.

 

[dancer]

Different people have different viewpoints on when/how to tell parents this news. My mother was strong for me at diagnosis. It was my aunt who told me my mother was really upset, wishing it was her and not me who'd been diagnosed.
I know my mother would have hated to be given the news while thousands of miles away, but your mother could be different. If they drink alcohol, maybe a stiff drink would help the situation . . . one for the telling and another for the "accepting" of the news. Let's face it, there could be news a lot worse than Type 1 diabetes!
Good luck, whatever you decide to do!

 

[Daibell]

Hi. As T1 has nothing to do with lifestyle you have nothing to apologise for so just tell them; it's not your fault at all.

 

[Circuspony]

My mother's reaction has been very odd. She's barely spoken to me since diagnosis and won't bring it up if I ring her - we just end up talking about all sorts of mundane stuff. Its a bit difficult tbh. She's an intelligent woman so I suspect has been googling and probably found that it is thought to be genetic (I'm late onset at 43) so I wonder whether she blames herself. I don't.

Telling her was accidental. I messaged a friend from A&E saying how dull it was hanging around and sent it to my mother instead. I don't recommend that approach!

 

[Chook]

My mother's reaction has been very odd. She's barely spoken to me since diagnosis and won't bring it up if I ring her - we just end up talking about all sorts of mundane stuff. Its a bit difficult tbh. She's an intelligent woman so I suspect has been googling and probably found that it is thought to be genetic (I'm late onset at 43) so I wonder whether she blames herself. I don't.

Telling her was accidental. I messaged a friend from A&E saying how dull it was hanging around and sent it to my mother instead. I don't recommend that approach!

Its probably as good way as any.... I don't think its ever going to be an easy thing to talk about.

I think most Mum's are going to say 'you should have told me' - I know its something I've said to my daughter - and, rightfully so, her answer to me is 'well I am now'. (She hasn't got diabetes of any sort but has had other health issues.)

 

[MikeTurin]

Hi. As T1 has nothing to do with lifestyle you have nothing to apologise for so just tell them; it's not your fault at all.

Type 2 hasn't nothing to do with lifestyle too. Unfortunately there's a trend to associate a stigma with diabetes and obesity due misinformation on mass media.
Even people that are diabetic are convinced otherwise, so the general public who talks about full fat coke or thinks that diabetes is only a problem caused by eating too many sweets.

I could understand the concerns of the OP.
I think the best course of action it's to make a phone call and explaining that you have been diagnosed with diabetes and focus ond what they could do to help manage your condition.
Eventually you could buy some book with recipes or explanation of diabetes.
https://www.diabetes.co.uk/Diabetes-Book-Reviews.html
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Diabetes-Cookbook-British-Diabetic-Association/dp/0751308269/ (have read Italian Edition)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Carbs-Cals-Carb-Calorie-Counter/dp/1908261153/ (i have it buy one copy for you and one for them)
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Carbs-Cals-Calorie-Recipes-Plans/dp/190826120X (have this too - look nice - but a lot of recipes are, how can I say? too British for my tastes: mackerel for breakfast is really odd for me)

 

[Grateful]

Any ideas whatsoever would be great.

I'm not sure when you were diagnosed. If it is recent (within the past few weeks) I would seriously consider putting off telling your parents for a while, for two reasons:

1. In the few weeks post-diagnosis, you may not yet know how serious the situation is, and how much impact it is going to have on your life. When you tell people, you want them to get data that is as accurate as possible.
2. In part because of this, you may be in a less-optimal emotional state. I know I was, at the time!

At diagnosis I only told one person (my wife). I told the rest of my family, including my adult children, two months later, after dealing with (1) and (2) first. As it turns out, by then, the news was relatively good (see signature below) -- or at least, it was the "least bad" situation, considering that I was telling them I had a nasty chronic disease.

My mother lives the other side of the Atlantic, and you said that your parents are also thousands of miles away....

"Bon courage" as they say in France.

 

[therower]

@NoKindOfSusie . I told my mother as soon as I was diagnosed. I was living at home at the time, failed marriage but that's another story.
She came out with...... I knew something was wrong but thank god its not serious.
Point is. Unless they know about the condition they may not know how to react. Ask them first what they know about diabetes.

 

[leahkian]

There is no easy way to tell them but you must look after you. When you get diabetes your life is turned upside down, with so many things to take in. Just explain to them that you were trying to sort your own head out before you wanted to tell them, they might be angry with you but come on here and let them read some of the forums. Then ask them to understand that the lifestyle changes that you are having to make, you are not a diabetic by choice but at the start you get a information overload which is stressful and try to make them see that you did not want to worry them. I can understand that they may be upset but they should understand it is you who has to live with diabetes, maybe tell them now and ask them to look it up on the internet. This may allow them to get a understanding of diabetes as it is not as having a illness that you can see, you could also ask a diabetic nurse for a appointment while your parents are here and they can ask her questions while they are here. It is normal that you have found it hard to tell them because you do not want it to be true. I am sure when you explain they might be upset but you are their child and will want to be there for you