Hi everyone
I just needed somewhere to let off steam. I was diagnosed with Type 2 in October last year and I'm really struggling. And now I seem to have pushed the self-destruct button.
Before I rant, I just want to say that I am an intelligent woman who understands what is wrong, what I need to do to rectify it, and how. I have rheumatoid arthritis, collagenous colitis (not a serious bowel condition, but constantly uncomfortable and somewhat unpredictable), and an inherently very high cholesterol level. I am (almost) 51 years old, and I am a practice manager for an ever-increasingly large legal practice - three offices when I started the job, six offices now, and three more due this year - extremely stressful. I don't get paid if I'm not at work - there is no sickness scheme - so I can't take time off easily, even for doctor/hospital appointments.
I am in a long-term stable relationship: my wonderful partner, together with my 22-year old daughter, are my rocks - they are the only thing that really keeps me on this earth.
There, that's a potted me. If you're still willing to read on:
This has been a horrible 12 months for many reasons - too many to write down and to complicated to explain easily but suffice it to say that I have been literally at the point of taking every last tablet in the house (and there are a lot of tablets), many times. And then I got the diagnosis and my initial reaction was that I didn't care if it killed me - I was just completely overloaded. My other half is a biologist and set about trying to 'fix' things - we tried really hard with the diet and although I was miserable I went along with it all. However, in the lead up to Christmas we had another couple of stressful events to deal with and I abandoned everything - and now I have truly pressed the self-destruct button. I am gorging on sweet and fatty things - can't be bothered to cook, just want to curl up in a corner.
I leave the house at 7.30 each morning, and get back at 6.30 each night - it feels like we have no time to do anything sensible food-wise. We used to make good use of our big freezer - I would stand and cook for a whole weekend once every 4-6 weeks and then freeze meals for the next few weeks, which was great. Unfortunately, just after we moved into this house, the electrics to the garage were condemned and the landlady won't reinstate them. We can't put the freezer in the kitchen as the kitchen circuit isn't fit for purpose and already flips off if we run more than two appliances at once. So the practicalities are already made more difficult.
I can't eat breakfast before I go out as I am not ready to eat so early in the morning; and there are lots of foods that I simply cannot eat, despite trying time and again, and most of them are the ones that are recommended, e.g.:
beans, pulses and chickpeas - disgusting textures
wholemeal/seeded breads - can manage these occasionally for a sandwich but cannot eat all the time - don't like the taste and don't enjoy the texture of the seeds
fish - even the smell makes me want to throw up
seafood - same problem with smell and texture
some vegetables, e.g. aubergine, courgette - too 'slimy' and bitter
There are lots of combinations of tastes and textures that I cannot stand too, and some smells are a real problem. It's not a case of not being willing to try, and re-try, because I do, but there is nothing worse than being forced to eat things that make you want to be sick.
I am desperate - I know what I have to do, I know how to do it (I'm a good cook and until the move we never lived on **** - fresh/home made meals every day) but I cannot get my head around things and the harder I try, the more I spiral downwards. It has got to the stage where I would literally prefer not to eat than put so much emphasis on food all the time. I am scrutinised at work - people are constantly pointing out 'I don't think that is part of your diabetic diet!', whenever I eat anything that is not considered super healthy, e.g. white bread, or crisps - as though I don't know it isn't the 'right' thing, but surely I can have a small packet of crisps occasionally.
I have always had sugar in my hot drinks, but I am trying really hard to use sweetener now - but its awful - really bitter. I've tried so many different types but they are all so bitter - it's not psychological, i have done blind tests and I can tell straightaway. So I can't even sit down an enjoy a hot drink, never mind a cold juice, or the like. At least I don't drink alcohol so i don't have to worry about that.
I gave up smoking 15 months ago - which is an achievement - but I have nothing to lean on now, at all - and leaning on myself isn't enough, obviously, because I'm such a failure.
All i get when I try to talk to people is 'do this, do that' (which I don't need, because I know what i have to do!), or 'it'll be okay - you'll get used to it' - they don't seem to realise that I am really struggling and how big this is for me - it is on top of everything else, not instead of, so I'm dealing with all this stress at once and I'm going under - slipping slowly under.
The harder I think about it, about doing the 'right' things, the more stressed I am and the more sugar I want.
What do I do?
Thank you so much for reading.
I just needed somewhere to let off steam. I was diagnosed with Type 2 in October last year and I'm really struggling. And now I seem to have pushed the self-destruct button.
Before I rant, I just want to say that I am an intelligent woman who understands what is wrong, what I need to do to rectify it, and how. I have rheumatoid arthritis, collagenous colitis (not a serious bowel condition, but constantly uncomfortable and somewhat unpredictable), and an inherently very high cholesterol level. I am (almost) 51 years old, and I am a practice manager for an ever-increasingly large legal practice - three offices when I started the job, six offices now, and three more due this year - extremely stressful. I don't get paid if I'm not at work - there is no sickness scheme - so I can't take time off easily, even for doctor/hospital appointments.
I am in a long-term stable relationship: my wonderful partner, together with my 22-year old daughter, are my rocks - they are the only thing that really keeps me on this earth.
There, that's a potted me. If you're still willing to read on:
This has been a horrible 12 months for many reasons - too many to write down and to complicated to explain easily but suffice it to say that I have been literally at the point of taking every last tablet in the house (and there are a lot of tablets), many times. And then I got the diagnosis and my initial reaction was that I didn't care if it killed me - I was just completely overloaded. My other half is a biologist and set about trying to 'fix' things - we tried really hard with the diet and although I was miserable I went along with it all. However, in the lead up to Christmas we had another couple of stressful events to deal with and I abandoned everything - and now I have truly pressed the self-destruct button. I am gorging on sweet and fatty things - can't be bothered to cook, just want to curl up in a corner.
I leave the house at 7.30 each morning, and get back at 6.30 each night - it feels like we have no time to do anything sensible food-wise. We used to make good use of our big freezer - I would stand and cook for a whole weekend once every 4-6 weeks and then freeze meals for the next few weeks, which was great. Unfortunately, just after we moved into this house, the electrics to the garage were condemned and the landlady won't reinstate them. We can't put the freezer in the kitchen as the kitchen circuit isn't fit for purpose and already flips off if we run more than two appliances at once. So the practicalities are already made more difficult.
I can't eat breakfast before I go out as I am not ready to eat so early in the morning; and there are lots of foods that I simply cannot eat, despite trying time and again, and most of them are the ones that are recommended, e.g.:
beans, pulses and chickpeas - disgusting textures
wholemeal/seeded breads - can manage these occasionally for a sandwich but cannot eat all the time - don't like the taste and don't enjoy the texture of the seeds
fish - even the smell makes me want to throw up
seafood - same problem with smell and texture
some vegetables, e.g. aubergine, courgette - too 'slimy' and bitter
There are lots of combinations of tastes and textures that I cannot stand too, and some smells are a real problem. It's not a case of not being willing to try, and re-try, because I do, but there is nothing worse than being forced to eat things that make you want to be sick.
I am desperate - I know what I have to do, I know how to do it (I'm a good cook and until the move we never lived on **** - fresh/home made meals every day) but I cannot get my head around things and the harder I try, the more I spiral downwards. It has got to the stage where I would literally prefer not to eat than put so much emphasis on food all the time. I am scrutinised at work - people are constantly pointing out 'I don't think that is part of your diabetic diet!', whenever I eat anything that is not considered super healthy, e.g. white bread, or crisps - as though I don't know it isn't the 'right' thing, but surely I can have a small packet of crisps occasionally.
I have always had sugar in my hot drinks, but I am trying really hard to use sweetener now - but its awful - really bitter. I've tried so many different types but they are all so bitter - it's not psychological, i have done blind tests and I can tell straightaway. So I can't even sit down an enjoy a hot drink, never mind a cold juice, or the like. At least I don't drink alcohol so i don't have to worry about that.
I gave up smoking 15 months ago - which is an achievement - but I have nothing to lean on now, at all - and leaning on myself isn't enough, obviously, because I'm such a failure.
All i get when I try to talk to people is 'do this, do that' (which I don't need, because I know what i have to do!), or 'it'll be okay - you'll get used to it' - they don't seem to realise that I am really struggling and how big this is for me - it is on top of everything else, not instead of, so I'm dealing with all this stress at once and I'm going under - slipping slowly under.
The harder I think about it, about doing the 'right' things, the more stressed I am and the more sugar I want.
What do I do?
Thank you so much for reading.
