Terminal and Scared

[kman]

Well, to just remind you, I had Reached 15 stone, become Diabetic, had a stroke and become epileptic, remember also I STILL hadn't learned my lesson, and was to reach over the 22 stone Mark,

Having the strokes a scare, and the dieting lasted about 6 weeks (kind of anyway), but soon I slipped . Into old habits, eating a meal that basically needed a serving plate, eating bread with the meal, as much as 4 - 6 slices, usually white bread, and then often a pudding afterwards,

YOU would probably think what a Pratt right ? And I'm sure you wouldn't be like me and still making the same mistakes right ? But you can't believe how stupid I can get, even as my legs start to hurt badly,my feet numb, and blow up to 3 Times normal size, when I got breathless, more and more everyday, pains in the chest, all meaning I did less and less Excercise, but it was . OK, it wasn't serious right ?

Surely eat more veg with it and I'd be ok, so the plates got piled higher and higher, snacking between meals,only my snacks were another man's heavy lunch, 4 sandwiches, and crisps, oh and maybe a family bag of chocolates like minstrels etc. Later in the evening, I'd be staving, an hour after dinner I'd be wanting more food, and a second bag of chocolates sweets,

I Don't think any diet beat 6 weeks, and I got so bad that I could no longer walk the distance between 2 lampposts, and still even though the voice in my head said I needed to change, . But no matter how much will power I had, It never lasted, I cried, I got scared,but I didn't change,

INFECTIONS all over my body, pain so bad in my feet that I was begging Wendie to Kill me,or cut them off, the GP when Wendie finally
managed to beat the sense into me and she dragged me kicking and screaming , Tore strips into me, we'd gone th I king it was Gangrene, but no,he just treated me like a child, . A naughty child, I left in tears, with no help at all no diagnosis,

Just over 3 weeks later, my feet literally covered in extremely painful ulcers, and me in a state of Toxic confusion, a four inch abscess in my right Palm, and we're back to the beginning, A blues and two's trip to casualty, 2 Drs outside waiting and me being resuscitated twice in the ITU, that was the 16th March this year, I left the Hospital on the 16th April, with Two Terminal diagnoses, and all my dreams REALLY shattered,

I am DEAD in all but name, I am living what time I have left to the fullest I can when constrained by such terrible pain, I am trying to sort everything, . And to make this as easy as possible for my darling wife Wendie, She's the one that needs the sympathy, the help,the care and the love,

PLEASE Don't feel sorry or cry for me, . Feel for Wendie, but most of all please please don't DIE like me at least not for a very very long time, I have sat here at night crying, not for me, but for the fact that I didn't do enough to save those of you out there that don't realise the dangers of ignoring or denying their Diabetes,

Live Long, Live Well.

Warmest and Fondest Regards.

 

[tizzy]

Hearing about what happened to you in your early years it was these people that brought you to this I don't know how to word it but being close to someone who had the same experiences as you they damage you far deeper than you know yourself self loaving over eating and starving yourself low selt esteem it all changes the paths we take. rest tonight thinking you are not to blame any more

 

[kman]

Thanks Tizzy, have sent you a PM

 

[Karen.G.]

My heart goes out to you, your wife and your son. Thank you for reaching out and telling us you're story.

Reading you're posts has made me cry and given me the much needed kick up the butt that I needed. I see that many people have viewed your posts and am equally sure that you have made lots of people think twice about this terrible illness.

Stay strong Kevin - I am sending you massive hugs.

Karen
x

 

[kman]

Thanks Karen have PMd you

 

[kman]

Folks you have been so very very understanding,caring and supportive, so please understand how big this has become, and the extreme difficulty and especially the Pain I suffer in just typing these posts,

Also my Pain levels and lack of sleep are draining memore and more each day, I want to keep the thread running as long as you'll all read it, but sometimes I become very very drained, sometimes I can barely spend time with my family, or get out of bed, there are days I can't move at all,

I need to rest, maybe a couple of days, I will be around, . But I'm just overwhelmed and pain is at the moment is believe me excruciating, I'm not complaining, I think it's really important you all know what can happen if you let your Diabetes or your lifestyle get out of control,because Dying is rarely painless, comfortable or refreshing, so please understand my being so drained at the moment, and forgive me if I struggle to keep up, as now,

Having said that,I feel I have let Two of you in particular down, Andy, and Especially Blothom, whom has posted much and waited for my replies patiently, unfortunately because she has posted so much, . I have struggled to type back an adequate response, and so I wanted to publicly apologise to both of them, unreservedly,

Folks if I ignore or forget anyone, it is most assuredly not on purpose, and I admit I am rather caught up with the day to day business of DYING,I have much to still put in order, so please forgive my mistakes,

Stay Safe, Stay Well,

Don't Die for a very very Long Time,

Warmest Regards.

 

[Morganator]

You have done nothing that needs forgivness. I admire you for your bravery, to come to a public forum and bare your soul as you have done is an act of courage and compassion.
If just one person reads your words and then changes their bad habits then you have done an amazing thing.
I send a huge hug to all three of you. xxx

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[vespa]

A timely warning for many of us who are at an early stage of this condition, I have been initially diagnosed Type 1 later reclassed Type 2, I have visited the Gym and lost weight to beat this condition.
If I ever feel like slacking off I alway remind myself that Diabetes is beating at my back to spur me on.

I am sorry this has happened to you Kevin and hope your message has reached many who will learn from your mistakes. Please guys do use this as a motivation to do something about it as I am doing. If not for yourself but for other who feel your loss if don't do anything.



*edit to remove an emoticon, how that go there I don't know how it got there as I was typing off my mobile.

 

[kman]

Thank you so much Morganator,and Vespa.

 

[simonjd1974]

Dear Kevin

I have read your posts with sadness and admiration.

I am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in, and amazed that you still have the consideration to post here to try and warn others of the dangers. You should be really proud of your efforts.

As a newly diagnosed type 2, reading this thread has really hit home how serious this disease could be if allowed to be. if it helps at all, you are an inspirational person.

Id like to wish you as many pain free, comfortable, fulfilled days with your wife and family as you are able.

Best Regards

Simon

 

[ljwilson]

Kevin, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers

Lorna

 

[kman]

The post here was written just after 4 am this morning, I'm still without sleep, but my mood is much better,but I will post it just to illustrate some of the highs and lows of what you could experience if your Diabetes takes control of you, instead of you taking control of IT,

PLEASE forgive the self pity expressed, and realise it's actually more the Family that go through hell, PLEASE PLEASE do not let your family go through this, and just to let you know,the Morphine and Pregabalin are taking edge of the pain, and I feel quite mellow,




For the second night in a row , I have not slept at all,

The pains I have are for numerous reasons, but obviously the Neuropathic Pain due my Peripheral and Autonomic Neuropathies are often the worst, but few of us have just one problem, and with the recent drop in temperatures my Rheumatoid Arthritis has made things extremely uncomfortable,

So the combination of the two pains have prevented my being able to sleep, to add to that, the absorbent me from even resting comfortably during the daytime, I have not slept for 48 hours so far,

A complication of constant unrelenting pain, and going without sleep for long periods is your mood is rarely bright and sparkling, Imagine your car broke down, you walked several miles home, carrying heavy shopping, and you 4 or. 5. Hours late getting to bed, and you have an early start in the morning, you now have a headache, toothache, and you pulled several muscles, and have blisters on both feet, next door are having a very very loud party, very late into the night. .... Now multiply that by ten,

So tell me know how your mood is !!!

Imagine the hell you'll put the family through the next day, and how you'll snap at the Secretary at work, well after you've thrown up on your boss that is,

Now imagine you feel like this several times a week,

Imagine how long your poor long suffering wife and son will dismiss it, how long before you know it's eating away at their feelings for you,

How do you feel, how do you feel with the guilt, when do you start to hate yourself, when do you start to think stinging would be best, and the kindest thing for your family,

Of course you consider ending it quickly, but you don't want to Die, you don't want to leave your family, and you know they love you, you can't think, your confused, and your body craves sleep, it screams at you endlessly,

And what about you Diabetes, what about your diet, in this state how do you keep your sugars right,

And how often do you cry at through the night at what you have become. ?

You know, only you could have changed things in time, you know your an absolute idiot,

BUT despite the fact it's far too late, you WANT to live, You want to hold that first Grandchild in your arms, you want to see your sons wedding,

And its so funny how many things you put on your Bucket List, like the dog breed you always fancied keeping, or see Madagascar the placenta the film LOL, or taking out a boat on the Norfolk Broads for a couple of weeks,even learning to Drive,

And writing a book, something to leave behind, a way that the world might remember you ever lived !!!

I don't get to do ANY of this, I'm dying, non too gracefully, and without achieving anything I feel proud of, of course pride isn't always a good thing, but you think about it while your trying so hard to put aside the pain, the disappointment, and the sheer awful way you are going to miss you angelic wife and your terrific son,

The End is Nigh.

NOW tell me your not controlling your Diabetes, tell me you can't diet, you can't excercise, tell me your reading this thread and you WANT to RISK following the path I did,

GO on tell me That's what you want !

 

[Happy_Horse]

Isn't there anything anyone can do for you? What does the hospital say?! They always seem to be able to do something to help you and your family? You can't give up yet, you never know what could happen. I'm sure your family and everyone that you know are so proud that you have made it so far with your hard life and you should be proud! + still keep ! I am a catholic so I promise to pray for you and your family at mass on Sunday xxxx


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[fatbird]

Kevin I have a question for you, do you ever stop moaning? Seriously as others have said, is there nothing can be done? Keep fighting, miracles do happen but you have to fight and keep on fighting. I appreciate you are trying to help others, but be selfish, fight for you and your family. Nothing is written.

FB

 

[kman]

Dear Happy_Horse,

This is the question I am most asked, and sadly the very definite answer is NO. ! There is No miracle cure, I am pretty much just waiting for my time, I am on strong pain relief, and can have more, but that I'm saving until. ... ?

Prayers are ALWAYS welcome, but please remember my darling Wife Wendie, and my Son Dayne, they are the ones that need love, support and caring, I am Dying, My body has suffered too much for too long,

But please people. Don't get complacent, don't believe it takes years,it doesn't, Start now, Eat well, Excercise sensibly, and most of all LIVE LONG, just whatever you do PLEASE PLEASE .... DON'T be ME !

Thank you Happy_ Horse, for caring, and having like many others here the Love to share, and for your prayers,

I fight day after day, and it's you my friends out there, and my lovely family that makes it so much.easier, so thank you again,

And guys and girls .... Today I have been able to smile,

 

[Andy12345]

Kevin I have a question for you, do you ever stop moaning?

FB

Im sorry but that is very funny, well i thought so, in fact its still funny when i re read it

i love that this thread is here and apparently provoking people into doing whats right and i do feel terrible for you kevin, but that is funny, it is refreshing amidst all the doom and gloom, but then i am weird

 

[kman]

Fatbird

I misread your post, and answered with slight sarcasm, before I saw the As Andy said Very Funny Joke of the first line, I removed my reply immediately and apologise unreservedly,

I Think I have answered the rest of your post in my reply to Happy Horse, posted as you made yourpost LOL !

 

[fatbird]

Kevin your last post seems to have disappeared altogether.

I did not say nothing can be done, I asked could nothing be done. I have stared death in the face as have some of my friends. We are still here. What exactly are you suffering from?

FB

 

[kman]

YES Fatbird as I say I removed my post in reply to you because being slightly sensitive,I stopped reading at the first line, and missed it was a joke,I rushed replying as I had just made another post while you posted to me, and I got it wrong. ... so I apologize again, and it was funny your joke, hence I removed my reply,hope you can forgive me,


I have Autonomic Neuropathy which in my case is terminal,

Hugs.

 

[fatbird]

Kevin

On a long enough time scale the survival rate drops to zero for everyone. All we can do is make the best of our time we have. With great respect, is your time best served on here. As you say diabetes must be taken seriously, the complications are many and are beyond doubt. The NHS has pain control specialists, have you seen a specialist? If not push your Doctor hard to see an expert.

Don't give up, people have overcome terrible situations, I beseech you to fight and keep on fighting. I know this can be easier said than done, but what else can we do.

FB