Worried wife...

[MrsK13]

My husband has diabetes type 1.5 (LADA), was diagnosed 4 years ago, a week before we had our first child. His results have gotten worse year on year and we got results again yesterday with no improvement. I'm at a loss as to how to get him to acknowledge the damage he is doing to himself and to get him to accept he needs to make changes to get his results under control. I feel I need support now as I've tried everything I can...

 

[azure]

Welcome @MrsK13

Can you tell us a little more? Is your husband on insulin? Which insulins? Does he carb count? How often does he test his blood sugar and what kind of results is he getting?

 

[MrsK13]

Welcome @MrsK13

Can you tell us a little more? Is your husband on insulin? Which insulins? Does he carb count? How often does he test his blood sugar and what kind of results is he getting?

Thanks for your reply.
He's on insulin, novorapid & lantis (when he bothers to take it). His BG has not been below 25 in 4 years and his HbA1c over 100 for the same time period. Lucky if he tests himself once a day, believes he can just 'guess' his levels - and he rarely takes corrective insulin.
His diet is poor, he doesn't exercise & he smokes & drinks (though not excessively).
It sounds ridiculous when I write it down!
You can understand why I'm at a loss hopefully...

 

[azure]

@MrsK13 That sounds awful - no wonder you're feeling like you're at a loss.

Only you know your husband best, but you could try sitting him down at a time when you have no stress and telling him how upsetting it is to watch him hurt himself like he's doing. Ask him how he'd feel if it was the other way round and it was you with the medical condition that needed controlling yet you weren't bothering or were denying you were neglecting it. Tell him that he can ignore diabetes, but it won't ignore him.... High blood sugar levels cause damage, as I'm sure you know. Talk about your family and how you need him healthy and how you want to help and support him.

It could be that he's in denial or depressed, so be careful how you word things, but if this has been going on so long, I think you need to be firm and have a heart to heart talk.

Ask him too what his issues are in controlling it. Is he scared? Does he feel a failure? Does he lack knowledge? Is it too hard for him to cope with day to day? Ask how you can help him.

 

[azure]

Let me tag some helpful Type 1s for you as they might be able to offer some more advice

@noblehead @himtoo @Jaylee @therower @slip @Snapsy @catapillar @GrantGam

 

[noblehead]

Thanks for your reply.
He's on insulin, novorapid & lantis (when he bothers to take it). His BG has not been below 25 in 4 years and his HbA1c over 100 for the same time period. Lucky if he tests himself once a day, believes he can just 'guess' his levels - and he rarely takes corrective insulin.
His diet is poor, he doesn't exercise & he smokes & drinks (though not excessively).
It sounds ridiculous when I write it down!
You can understand why I'm at a loss hopefully...

Absolutely, it must be so frustrating and worrying @MrsK13

Your husband is in a state of denial about his diabetes or is severely depressed and needs some professional input from his HCP's, all I can suggest is you talk him round to ask for help or you try and speak with diabetes care-team on his behalf. Good luck.

 

[therower]

Hi @MrsK13 .
Such a shame that you've had to come here for help and I totally admire your obvious concern and love for your husband.
I've been T1 for 27 yrs and since day one I've managed to accept and embrace the condition. It is easy for me to give advice on how to control diabetes but that's my diabetes in my life.
Obviously your husbands diabetes, although very similar to mine is totally different. We both take the same medication, unfortunately that's where it stops.
I could lecture on the importance of diet, exercise and management but I honestly feel that the current issue is more of an emotional and mental state.
If you can find out how your husband feels about his condition it may help him to move on.
Does he believe from information in the past that his diabetes is his fault?
Is he of the belief that he has a death sentence, no matter what?
Does he feel a failure, a sub standard and weak husband because of his diabetes?
Has he been fully educated and made aware of what diabetes is? ( 27yrs and I'm still learning)
Is he a man who's approach is " if I ignore it, it'll go away?" it's common amongst a lot of men.
Does he have a problem with administering his insulin? Needle phobia isn't manly but it scared me at the start.
We on the forum are all here to help but at this point in time only you can get answers and information. With answers and information we may be able to help more.
The best treatment of diabetes is a positive attitude.
Diabetes lives in the dark recesses of our souls and thrives there if we let it.
Please keep posting. I'm sure the answers are here for you.
Good luck.

 

[Snapsy]

Oh @MrsK13 what a difficult situation. I'm sending a big supportive hug.

Your husband had the curveball of his diagnosis at a massive time for both of you, with the arrival of your first child - what a rollercoaster for the pair of you! Lots to handle all at once, for all of you.

And it sounds as if he hasn't yet got a handle on his control. But it's never too late to start.

I was fortunate - well, I consider myself fortunate - in that I was 11 when I was diagnosed, and I was in hospital for a fortnight and then off school for another fortnight, and then it was a gradual process of getting back to my normal life with the support of my parents and my brother, and my friends, and my teachers. I wasn't a grown-up with obligations and responsibilities and a new baby and a job to deal with.

Is your husband's DSN supportive and understanding? In your position I would want to be - as indeed you sound to be - as involved and invested in my husband's diabetes as I possibly could be. And I'd want strong backup from my team at the hospital.

Is it possible for you to talk to him about - and then arranging - an appointment with us diabetes team for the both of you? I would strongly recommend it. Urge them to book him a place on the next DAFNE course. Get them to spend some time with the both of you talking through what their recommendations are for improved diabetes control.

He needs to be testing.
He needs to be taking his insulin.
He needs to be counting carbs.
He needs to adopt his diabetes as part of his life.

And he needs to do it soon, to minimise the risk of complications. We've all heard about the potential for sight issues, kidney problems, amputations. But there are other complications too - what about erectile dysfunction, fungal infections? These are things that a chap can - and I'm sure would want to - avoid - with improved control of his diabetes.

It's so important for his future, and for the future of your family.

I know he's got a good team on his side - because you're on it, @MrsK13 . But MrK13 needs to be an active member of his own team too. And soon.

Sending love.

Snapsy

 

[donnellysdogs]

Welcome to the best place for support and knowledge to be honest.

When diagnosed... was he put under hospital care or a GP?

Its tough for partners but the first thing I must ask is- does he drive?
This could be used as a reson for getting him to test.
People on insulin must test before driving. With his levels, he's unlikely to go hypo but if stopped he could be asked to prove he has blood tested.if he does drive, it could be an opportunity to bring up about being lawful and it would also give you grounds not to get into car with child unless tested.... my rationale is... I would never getin a carbwith a drunk driver or anybody that has had a drink... it could be a starting point.

Or does he use any electrical equipment or damgerous equipment at work? Again in my scenario.. I almost lost my driving licence (from a hypo) and my consultant gave me an insulin pump immediately and my later consultant then gave me a cgm because of equipment I used at work...

There is no easy way to get an insulin dependent to comply when in denial.

Erectile dysfunction is also worthwhile mentioning...as is the loss of eyesight.

 

[catapillar]

@MrsK13 sorry to hear you and your husband are struggling with his diagnosis.

What kind of support has you husband recieved from his healthcare team? Does he have access to a consultant endocrinologist for their input on how to manage his diabetes?

How informed is he on what type 1 is? And the consequences on uncontrolled diabetes?

One of the books recommended on the forum a lot for newly diagnosed type 1s is "think like a pancreas". It explains in a nice easily readable way all the basic stuff you need to know about to manage type 1 diabetes. It's a good read for showing how type 1 can be managed to fit in with your life, it might take a little more planning and thinking, but it's perfectly doable.

Living at high blood sugar levels is greatly increasing your husbands risk of diabetic complications. Diabetic complications aren't trifling things, in reality he's greatly increasing his risk of blindness, amputations and kidney failure. Those are the long term risks he's facing by choosing not to manage his diabetes. In reality, with a blood sugar that "has not been below 25 in 4 years" I'd be seriously concerned about the immediate risk of diabetic ketoacidosis. It doesn't take long for DKA to be fatal. Does he have any means of testing for ketones? Most blood sugar monitors will prompt you to test for ketones if you get a blood sugar level result up in the double figures, because that's when DKA is an imminent concern.

High blood sugar levels may well be having an impact on his mental state, they will at the very least be making him feel exhausted. They are likely to be making him short and irritable. I would be very suprised if he were able to do any memory recall or logic thinking. High blood sugar causes a foggy brain type feeling.

Controlling his diabetes doesn't require a change in diet, or exercise or anything else about his life. It requires testing, and taking insulin, with the understanding of how to take his insulin.

What is it that you have tried already? Do you know why he's not controlling his diabetes now?

A man with a young child and a loving wife has plenty of incentive for a long healthy life. That's perfectly possible with controlled diabetes. I can only assume he doesn't understand the consequences of uncontrolled diabetes if he's deciding to allow those risks to run their course wholly unchecked.

I can only suggest a discussion with him about the risks he is running and why. If he is struggling with his diabetes diagnosis psychologically some diabetic teams can refer for psych support. Diagnosis with a chronic condition is a heavy burden and some psych support can be requires.

Discussion with other type 1s can help, so suggest he joins the forum for some support and asks for a referral to a DAFNE course. You could also look at diabetes uk for any local support groups and on the JDRF website for any local meet ups they might be running.

 

[Jaylee]

My husband has diabetes type 1.5 (LADA), was diagnosed 4 years ago, a week before we had our first child. His results have gotten worse year on year and we got results again yesterday with no improvement. I'm at a loss as to how to get him to acknowledge the damage he is doing to himself and to get him to accept he needs to make changes to get his results under control. I feel I need support now as I've tried everything I can...

Hi @MrsK13 ,

Welcome to the forum!

I can't realy add any more to the advice given & empathise that this is posibly overwhelming for you & your husband.
He needs to stay in touch with his HCPs. (Though it does look as though he's going for HbA1c checks..)

I noticed in your initial post that your husband is "1.5 or LADA."
What I can do is tag in a few guys diagnosed as such with their view & experince with their own respective conditions @Daibell @DaftThoughts @Kristin251

 

[slip]

I can't add to whats already been said, other than when he does start to try and get on top of his diabetes take one day at a time, a small improvement everyday will soon add up and snow ball, one BG test turns into 2 a day, then 3, .........1 result below 20 becomes 2, then 3........the fog will lift, he'll start to think clearer once his BG is a bit more under control.....

All the best

 

[DaftThoughts]

@MrsK13 I'm so sorry to hear you and your husband are struggling so much!

Other than the advice given I'm not sure how much to contribute. The only thing I can tell you is that your husband is physically feeling like **** right now and probably bogged down by the mental burden. I have depression and anxiety with trouble adjusting to change and therapy helps a lot. Having someone to talk to about all the struggles we face validates our struggles and in turn makes it easier to actively implement changes.

I can promise your husband this: if he gets his bloodsugar under control, he will feel 1000x better than he does now. I give him my word on that. He won't escape the consequences if he continues to neglect his body. It takes some adjustments to his lifestyle to count carbs and test/inject properly but once he has these changes down, they become as much routine as brushing his teeth.

Remind him that he's not alone in this. Remind him that he's worth living a healthy life. Offer him support but allow him to act himself and try not to nanny him - if he feels he's being nagged at and told what to do rather than given the incentive to do it on his own, it can make it harder. It's a fine line but an important one. Ask him "How can I help you?" and give him some time to figure it out.

Edit: Maybe it can help him to use an app to manage his diabetes? I personally use MySugr and it has little challenges for achievements that can be motivating to people. Having something with him on the go to use might help.