Guest, we'd love to know what you think about the forum! Take the Diabetes Forum Survey 2020 »Dismiss Notice
Diabetes Forum should not be used in an emergency and does not replace your healthcare professional relationship. Posts can be seen by the public.Dismiss Notice
Guest, stay home, stay safe, save the NHS. Stay up to date with information about keeping yourself and people around you safe here and GOV.UK: Coronavirus (COVID-19). Think you have symptoms? NHS 111 service is available here.Dismiss Notice
blog 13 my thoughts on myself on a bank holiday Monday.
Ok it's the day after whit Monday to be truthful, but, all this was in my head since last night.
I have just had the most boring of days off. And as usual, I ran out things to do, since most of what I had to do was done by midday. All my chores and cooking was sorted for me and the wife, that's if she would eat proper, well, better!
The garden was done and just needed tidying, there was no decorating or major cleaning to be done, I did the shopping on Saturday. The easy day off became a boring long restless day.
The kids and grandkids were all doing something, the eldest with the partner and three little ones went to watch the three queens on the Mersey. I was asked but the crowds and probably no decent specs as I later found out. I didn't fancy it. I have already seen them previously.
Anyway, that's not what my blog is about. My emotions came to the fore last evening in a rather surprising way. I have always been busy, I always find something to do. But for some reason, last night, was different. I couldn't be bothered or ***** about finding anything to do. I don't do self analysis!
This is not me! I always just get on with it! I'm a fighter, not wanting anything else to interfere in what I want to achieve. I've fought my way out of poverty, I've worked hard to give my kids the chance to be more than I could ever imagine to do. I've done ok!
I've fought for 15 years to get a proper understanding of my condition, I was misdiagnosed prediabetic and over 5 years ago, T2 diabetic.
If you have read my blog, then you know, I will keep at it until I'm satisfied with what is happening, indeed, I really want to go on and help others and be a guinea pig, doing tests, so that my docs can understand my rare condition.
I'm babbling on here.
I did nothing at all last night, but think!
I thought about my life at the moment and was thinking about the wife, the kids and grandkids.
I was disturbed in a way, that, because I have been so busy, that, I have been close to being negligent to my lot. I don't mean, hurting them, but not being as much help as I would like to think I could be. I want to be a better person that just thinking about my life.
Because of this train of thought, I started to think a bit morbid. You know what would happen if I wasn't here or the wife, I shook that off cos I'm not going anywhere yet, I want to see my great grandkids before that! I'm very positive and I want to live as long as I'm healthy not to be a burden to anyone. This is also not about me thinking about losing people around me. I never get used to having family die or close friends and acquaintances. But those thoughts are distant in this case. I have never really expressed my feelings about death to anyone and this is not the time and place!
My mind changed to my own medical condition and where I am now and what would happen. That got my thoughts on why!
Why was I so weird?
I know, that I'm so relieved, that after all this time, I know what is wrong with me, and I'm doing so well presently, but why was I so different than anyone that I have known or likely too.
I am (according to my consultant) so rare, that possibly, there has been more men that have walked on the moon, than have been diagnosed with Late Reactive Hypoglycaemia. Not because of the condition but with developing it naturally!
All my docs, think that I'm unusual if not weird, I'm not special, before you even go there! I have always been Joe Normal. Just another father, brother, grandad, husband, friend etc, just a number on a clock card in my jobs. No one special, just another season ticket holder at my local football club, a face in the crowd!
Why was my body different from 6 billion others.
The other thing I've noticed while chewing this over, was all the time I've tried to help fellow (ha!) RHers. Is that the posters that have the same group of having this condition is female.
Not one male!!
I'm in a minority of one!
Does that make me more special or more weird?
How do you think I felt after revealing all this to myself.
No, I don't believe I'm the only one, but I'm in an elite group, aren't I!
If this was discovered in Salem or Rome or anywhere where the local hierarchy disliked anything strange, I shudder to think what would have happened. Would the Nazis have experimented on me?
These thoughts of mine are clear, distinct, completely understood by me. I hate explaining myself as weird, unusual, or I'm different!
I would like to be back in the pack!
I want to be Joe Normal again!
But, this ain't going to happen!
I'm stuck with it!
My mind is really straight.
I'm usually quite confident in myself but the very thoughts of this is very disturbing to me. Why am I so different? I tried to track my life's course, where had it started and the reason behind it all? Why was my hormone imbalance different? Why was my pancreas producing too much Insulin? Why did one need to constantly go for a pee? Why couldn't my team win? What is the meaning of it all? Why do I have the continuous weird dreams?
What is going to happen to me? Will my pancreas give out, because of overuse? Would my resistance finally be succumbed? Can I control my condition for the rest of my life? Would I develop diabetes eventually? Why me? Can I be healthy enough for a few more years, till I can really eventually retire? I know I have to work, jobs aren't easy to come by at my age especially around here! Why do I have to work, as this means letting my wife fend for herself, while I'm out, and that shouldn't be right after we have worked so hard and paid our more than fair share of taxes and national insurance. This country is so arse about face about how it treats its people.You don't count unless they need your vote, or you can bear influence by having copious amounts of money!
I'm babbling on again! Sorry!
All my thoughts last night were not any part of the symptoms that RHers suffer! They do, but not me, not now, I keep in control. So I shouldn't get them awful symptoms. These thoughts are a realisation of the true facts as I see them at this moment in time.
My life has been cruising because of work and my daily busy life. I have a big job on and won't let up anytime soon. Can't take time off, I do try to get things ready for tomorrow and I sort the chores and bills are usually paid by the bank. There are things that will need attention but not yet. I have to stay positive and I know that I do have support and help from my family but they need help as well.
But back to my thinking, my perusal.
Sorry, just been for another toilet break.
Have you ever felt alone? Like when you know that you are on your own and that you are the only one? It's not very nice!
There are many who feel lonely, but are never alone?
There are those who are on their own but not lonely!
I'm just not used to it, being different from everyone, that is a weird thought, isn't it? I don't like it much, however you put it!
I'm not depressed, far from it, I'm excited about many things. I have just been left alone to think, and I now know, that thinking really hurts! My brain is reviewing my unconscious thoughts.
I have to get to grips on my feelings, after all I am a man!
I think like many, I'm not scared, I'm more likely apprehensive about what's going to happen to me. I will probably outlive my younger wife. I will not give up, living my life, like I have, I have my kids, my grandkids, my friends, my football. I have my life to live!
And I'm going to give it a bloody good go.
Sorry to ramble on, but this needed doing. It's helping me to do this! I wanted to give more feeling to this blog but I don't have the words, to put it over on here. I am one in a billion, but even though sometimes I wonder why I have been dealt this hand, I will continue to grow old in control of my condition, no matter what happens in the future.
As a famous actor in a favourite film of mine said;
The future, the undiscovered country!
You need to be logged in to comment