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No Road To Peace

Published by coby in the blog coby's blog. Views: 110

The exchange on mum's house took place on 17th January, 2019, and it truly felt as if someone had released this noose around my neck and that I could breathe freely once again, albeit with a shattered heart and a huge void in my life.
I had been so wrapped up in dealing with the estate that it had concealed my pain in losing the two people who had made up two thirds of my life.
The other third was my children ... one still at home with extreme anxiety issues, and isolated from the world, the other, my son who had just returned to the area after caring for his paternal grandparent for 9 years up until he passed away in his 90's.
I was so proud that he gave up his own life, when only in his twenties, to go look after his grandpa.
His own father (my husband) had died in his early thirties, so it was good for him to spend time with his grandpa who could tell him stories from early days, that of course I couldn't.
My son got a flat but had no furniture, so I gladly gave him a good half of everything I had, to help out.
I even gave him my bed, and slept on the floor until a new one arrived three days later (but he never knew this, as I led him to believe I was sorted).
Can you image it ... an practically bare lounge with one Parker Knoll chair and a small side table and my TV.
January is definitely not the month to be in an almost empty room, and especially when your life has been turned upside down.
I'm almost ashamed to think back now to how my diet was, but feel that I have to face it.
I would get up every half hour and grab one of my daughters stack of nibbles from the cupboard just to fill time.
I wasn't hungry. I was in turmoil. Nothing mattered if it was concerning myself but everything mattered where my remaining family were concerned.
I was so lost that it even seemed as if the binmen came every other day since one day just merged into another and another.
But my daughter's birthday was coming up and that pushed me out of this black pit and I began planning her special day.
It would only be the two of us since she had no friends or social life, so I had to make her feel happy and loved, because she was.
The day before her birthday 26th February 2019 ... I took her to choose 'party food' of her choice, and a cake, and it's strange but walking back I said to her "Don't expect your brother to remember your birthday, as he hardly ever remembers his own" and we both laughed.
But the horrific thing was ... although I didn't yet know it ... my son had just passed away.
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