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It is still too painful to go into detail about this loss in my life, in both of our lives.
I sort of went into auto pilot again, having to start sorting my son's estate, just as I'd so recently done for mum.
It was like walking through a fog every waking hour, and trying, often unsuccessfully to sleep every single night.
My daughter more or less stopped talking, never got dressed, and refused food until late afternoon each day.
Her curtains remained drawn both night and day, so she closed out the spring and summer of 2019.
I had no choice but to go out of course as I had his property to clear, and to sell, all his bills to sort out, and his home service companies to inform.
His best friend was a tower of strength though, driving over 16 miles to come and take away the furniture, which I couldn't do alone.
In other areas of my life I was unkind to myself, not caring for my own health and well being. After all a mother shouldn't outlive the child she gave birth too, and it felt totally wrong and almost as if I had cheated somehow!
I don't think I really ate for the first fortnight, and then it was total rubbish, such as biscuits, cakes, scones, and loads of chocolate bars.
As soon as the property was sold and all the running around over I went into isolation.
It sold on my birthday ... can you believe the irony! And yes, another one not celebrated, just like my daughters'
It was just after this that my daughter hesitantly asked "Can we move somewhere else, to another town?"
It was like a light coming on!
This place was far too painful for both of us, and we so needed a new start, plus it might get my daughter out of that 10 foot square prison/sanctuary.
Three months later we found the perfect place and area, and then six months following (held up due to Covid 19) we left for new pastures, filled with hope.
At the time of moving I was over two stone heavier than when I'd last seen my DN for a review, which had been a few months after mum passed away, so I knew that my numbers would be above the 67 at that review.
I was unhealthy, always tired, and with a pounding heart each time I climbed the stairs.
I also had a fast and very loud heartbeat each time I got into bed, which worried me.
I knew that to make the most of our new start I needed desperately to lose weight and sort out my diabetes, but it took another 12 months to find the emotional strength to do that.
I drifted on and off this site, trying to find the key.
I found it difficult to ask for help and also found everything discussed way above my head, not understanding about how many carbs, how to know what amount, how to judge what you eat with them included and I panicked and felt useless each time I logged on.
I awoke one morning and decided to 'punish' myself for letting my health decline so much, so didn't eat a single thing until 3.30pm, followed by two mornings of not eating until almost midday (11.30ish)
But then I found one particular member who, when I asked him a question regarding carbs, and regarding fasting, he actually got through to me!
So I read his blogs and started to feel that it made sense. I also read and read and read everything I could, both on this site and on google.
My journey had started, thanks to an understanding member of this site, and in only 7 weeks I had my first review in three long self-destructive, painful years, to find that my numbers were BELOW diabetic figures ... at 37.
So this is why I needed to tell my story, and why I will forever be grateful to this site for pulling me out of the deep dark pit.
I truly appreciate all who have put up with my ramblings and read my own personal story.
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