SockFiddler Jun 28, 2017
Gosh, I'm so in awe of the courage it took to write this. I still find it very difficult to even use the words for what my bladder and arse get up to sometimes - I haven't come to terms with any of it at all.

Time was - even just a year ago - I could feel the need to pee and at least be able to put it off until I had finished writing that sentence or chopping that onion or having that conversation, and then I was peeing just 3 times a day (upon waking, after lunch, before bed - funny how relevant that seems now). Now, when the urge to pee strikes (like a sodding ninja), if I'm not struggling to my feet within seconds there's a very good chance I'll pee on the way to being upright. More distressingly, I had one of those dreams recently where I dreamt I woke up and went for a pee - but didn't wake up at all (if you catch my meaning).

I was horrified.

Oddly, the troubles I've had with my bowels I'm less horrified by: for years and years (at least half my life) my periods have been heavy, unpleasant and defined by simultaneous constipation and diahorrea - I won't be able to go for ages and ages, and will become bloated and gassy, and then, when finally "it" happens, it just pours out of me in a relentless stream. At times I break into a fever - just for that moment - occasionally I'll vomit at the same time, while my body literally purges itself. Managing this is kind of tricksy as it's often worse just before a difficult and irregular period, so it can catch me unawares. However, being largely housebound for the last 13 months has really made that all far easier to deal with.

It's such a relief to firstly read about someone whose physical experience seems to similar to mine - the way you describe your body and how it feels and moves really chimes with me, but, also, you write your progress reports with such candour - but no self-blame or shaming and I really, really admire that.

Shame and guilt are my worst vices (taught me by my mother), and I'm inspired and grateful to read your experiences and understand that it's entirely possible to live - and contemplate yourself - without them.

Much love x