My apologies for not replying sooner... Everything has been so surreal, and I'm still trying to get my head round it all.
It was the Saturday that I posted... That night was a bad time. I had to tell my 17 yr old son and my 12 yr old daughter ( there was no point then in saying anything to my 14 yr old as she would not understand ) that their sister in all likelihood would not come home but if she did, she would be different.
That was a hard time. So very hard..
Vicky was not expected to wake up. But she did after many days, after seizures would not stop despite various medications, her body did not move, it was only by her eyes that they knew..
She not only woke, but she woke whilst sedated. When the tube was removed she tried to talk. I'd been to see her in the morning and her dad who'd flown back from Afghanistan was on the afternoon shift of just sitting, watching her, talking to her whilst she lay there.
He called me to get back asap.. As I can't drive at the moment I was relying on lifts from a friend..
When I got back to the hospital, and I saw her awake, asked her if she recognised me.. She did. She spoke, more like whispered.. By god you have no idea how that felt.
My ex husband, her dad is not like me... I was told I literally interrogated the doctors and nurses who were dealing with my daughter all the time she was in ICU. But I know sometimes they gloss things over, don't like to tell you everything, won't tell you some things unless you ask and ask... The nurses and her consultant were amazed, they called it a miracle.. They never expected her to wake.
On Vickys discharge papers, she had a gcs of 4 out of 15 on admission. 3 is the worst, 3 I believe means, no hope.
After a few days, Vicky was discharged after being transferred to a normal ward after she had shown she could eat and drink on her own on the ICU ward.
The journey home was horrific. Vicky sat in the back seat of the car relaying events she had seen whilst in hospital. She said she'd seen a 15 yr old bulimic lad blow himself up in ICU, she described how the Windows blew out, the blood running down the walls, the bits of body parts everywhere, the reactions of the nurses and doctors....
She also described how one patient chewed his own hand off...
Once Vicky was settled in bed at home, I rang ICU... They explained that because if the amount of drugs pumped into Vicky to keep her alive, she was suffering hallucinations. I asked how should I deal with them, I was told that after a few days to gently break it to her that what she was convinced she saw, never actually happened.
Then the nightmares started... What she was convinced was real and had happened, replayed in her dreams. Jesus wept I bolted upstairs on the first scream.
After a couple of days I broke it to her that none of it was real, she cried and was adamant it was, that she remembered every detail so how could it not be.. I explained why it was happening.. All the drugs, everything that kept her alive and that they would fade. The memories would fade and that she had to keep telling herself that it never happened.
She came home with a slight weakness in her right side that is hoped will correct over time.
She went to stay with her boyfriend Friday night... She forgot to check her numbers some of the time
when she told me, I said to her... There can't be any more forgetting, can't be any more I didn't think to... I'm desperately trying not to keep nagging her, not to cause a row over it... But as far as I can see, she has not changed. Last night she told me she's thinking of moving out in September... My heart sank, I tried talking to her.. Was very blunt.. Explained how it felt to be told what I was, how it felt to know I very nearly lost her, that she's been given a chance, that she needs to not waste it.
It is a crying shame that I know every paramedic in Gainsborough, know most of the crews in Lincoln, and a few in Scunthorpe. That before Vicky ever hit ICU that they knew if her, that all the a and e staff know her.. That the staff in different wards know her... That the paramedics after years of taking her to the hospital are as frustrated as me, that they can't believe that this still goes on after 7 years.
But my daughter, she walked arm in arm with death.. They spent time together... But then she came back... That I greatful, but I see this all happening again in the future if I cannot get through to her, if something is not done... I cannot stop her movingout... But I see what will happen if she does.
Here she is now.
