Very Worried

[NurseDee]

Hi guys

I'm really worried about my daughter. Shes 23 and obese....been told shes prediabetic. I have no idea what she weighs coz she wont step on a scale ever. I know and she knows what needs to be done moving forward but shes stubborn as a mule! I blame myself coz being italian i 'loved' my kids with food. My son and youngest daughter do not have any weight issues but my middle daughter has.

I tried yelling.....crying....tried being matter of fact nurse....tried begging. Nothing works. I'm so worried that i'm going to bury her. I just want to help her lose the weight and get healthy. Any ideas on how i can get through to her?

Thanks for listening x

 

[Finsky]

I suspect no matter what you try to say will make any difference..she will need somebody's else influence. At that age..one can still have some 'teen' thing going on unless they've already broke off from mom and become truly independent. I was that age when I was diagnosed..and when you are young, all the health warnings for what might happen in future feel that they are loooooooong way ahead if they will ever come a issue..
I would just put the facts on table..say as it is without preaching and leave it to that...be hard and leave it to her, and say it so. But tell her that when she is ready for some help you are there. But when you offer food..do it in your terms and what you eat..she can then take or leave it. Sometimes it is case for tough love.
Of course it would be ideal situation to tackle it now when she is newly diagnosed..things could be turned around..but on the positive note..things can be drastically improved if not turned around much later on too..our bodies are capable wondrous things.

 

[TorqPenderloin]

Maybe the next step is to stop the yelling, crying, and begging, but instead try to treat her with compassion about the situation?She may be just as upset or even more upset than you are. Depression can have odd ways of showing itself.

"Middle child syndrome" is definitely a real thing and I've seen it (to a much lesser extent) within my own family. Sometimes people feel as if they aren't receiving affection from those they care about (whether they are or aren't) so they resort to other behaviors that make them feel positively. Unfortunately, those behaviors are often very unhealthy.

I'm not sure what I would do if I were in that situation, but I'd like to thing I'd act the way I described above. Of course, it's very easy for me to say all of this when I don't have children of my own.

 

[Brunneria]

Having been a fat daughter to a mother who very, very, very much wanted me to (I quote) 'stop wasting your life. I am so worried about your future'.
I can honestly say that there is nothing that my mother said, or did, that didn't make the situation worse.

She tried little 'chats'
She tried diet books
She tried nutritional advice
She tried feeding only 'good, low fat' foods
She tried stronger lectures
She tried weepy 'I only say this because I love you'
She tried little stories about how so-and-so lost weight

Oh my goodness, this takes me back.

Do you know the only thing she never managed to do?
Love me wholly and unconditionally for who i was, fat and all.

Sadly, her judgements and my learned self judgements drove a wedge into our relationship that has never healed.

Then, one day i went to see them and said 'I have been fat all my adult life because I have had reactive hypoglycaemia since i was 4, PCOS since puberty, a tumour in my pituitry gland for 20 years and huge insulin resistance. Not because i am a greedy moody slob with no will power.'
That was a good day.

She still judges everything i eat, drink and every move I make, but she no longer tries to cure me.

Please do not re-enact this scenario. Life is too short.

 

[Kyi]

The first thing to recognise is you can not do it for her. She has to want to. No matter how much you try, it all adds pressure on her and as you say she is stubborn nothing will work until she is ready. All you can do is help her want to help herself by being there to listen to her. If your actions are closing her down, then nothing will help her. Get her to open up to you by just having regular day to day discussions about everything. Maybe then she will learn you are only trying to help her become the wonderful person she is.

 

[AndBreathe]

@NurseDee - I've said it before on the forum, and I'm 100% certain I'll say it again at some stage, but the thing about sustained Change is the individual required to make those changes has to want to do it. Everyone has their "right time", as we so often see with former smokers who tried gazillions of times before they eventually gave up.

Aside from anything else, her motivation has to come from within her.mmshe has to identify what she wants, and in my experience, both personally and professionally, "better" isn't a good enough reason. Preventing some action works less well too. Doing something positive with a real answer to the question, "what's in it for me?" Is the key.

For me, at diagnosis, I was about to embark on a long overseas trip, and the last thing I wanted was to be, from that point forward, tethered to a pharmacy every month for a repeat prescription. I wanted the drug free life I loved, and I wanted to be well. To live the life I do, I need to be well.

So I decided to take the big D and shake it by the throat until it fought no more.

So, what was in it for me? Remaining drug free. Continuing to have my freedom from what I felt would be intrusions into my life filling prescriptions), and having the almost boundless energy to be as active as I want to be, and that's certainly more active than many 59 year olds. My OH, although 10 years older than me is equally vital and I wanted to be able to continue to party in our own ways for some time longer.

For me, I want to still have all my toes in 10 years was too far away. It had to be something in the now, and I have to be able to gauge if I was achieving it.

My feedback loop was my glucose testing meter and actually, although I didn't ever set out to reduce weight, I got skinny along the way.

So, I think what I'm saying is this is her issue to deal with in her way. If she lives with you, and you do the shopping, you can control some of what she eats, but at 23, she islikely to know how to shop for what she wants.

Only you will know what sort of conversation you could have, but to be honest, if you are doing well and losing weight, she may just get curious along the way and decide to join you on the journey, even nif she doesn't want to discuss it much.

It's a horrid situation, but as I say, she is the one with all the actions, unless she asks for some help.

Good luck to you both.

 

[SunnyExpat]

Hi guys

I'm really worried about my daughter. Shes 23 and obese....been told shes prediabetic. I have no idea what she weighs coz she wont step on a scale ever. I know and she knows what needs to be done moving forward but shes stubborn as a mule! I blame myself coz being italian i 'loved' my kids with food. My son and youngest daughter do not have any weight issues but my middle daughter has.

I tried yelling.....crying....tried being matter of fact nurse....tried begging. Nothing works. I'm so worried that i'm going to bury her. I just want to help her lose the weight and get healthy. Any ideas on how i can get through to her?

Thanks for listening x

Is she overeating?
When you loved her with food, what sort of food was it?
Do you still feed her now.

If she does overeat, why does she overeat?

 

[Tes78]

I know it's hard seeing someone you love getting unhealthy. As a parent we want the best for our children and that includes a long healthy life. So I understand why you feel like you do and how desperate you are for her to change her life style.
The truth is it doesn't matter what you do or say... She has her own mind. If she doesn't want to change she won't. The chances are she will want to when she is ready. I know when I was younger and was nagged at about my weight it made me rebel and eat worse. We all have a rebellious child in us that wants to do the opisite of what we are told to do. The life change needs to come from her wants and wishes because only then will that rebellious child inside not get in the way.

Have a think about the best things about your daughter, the things that make proud of her and the best things about her.
Write them down and keep it. Every time your feeling frustrated or desperate about her lifestyle... Read it. It will change your feelings form desperation to joy. Only your daughter can change herself if she chooses to, but this might help you.

 

[NurseDee]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I took it on board and stopped talking about it. It was the best thing to do because.....this morning she asked me to take her shopping. She bought low carb food!!!! She said she had been watching me lose weight and get healthier for months.

Shes a chef and has her own house with her partner...she said that she knew everything i was saying and doing was right and it was sinking in but she needed to be ready herself. So thank you everyone x