Absolutely terrified now, what do I do?

[james122]

Now even I realise I'm getting stupid but for some reason I still can't stop what I'm doing.
I am aiming for non diabetic blood sugars and if I am even slightly out of that range on the high end then there is nothing I can do and I feel so useless that I haven't done better!
Lows feel good to me they make me feel good about myself and I know a lot of you on here know about this but not the full extent to which I inject even if I'm fasting 6.5 because that's a pre diabetic blood sugar and that's not good enough to for me.
When I'm low I don't treat it because I like my body being in that state I feel good about myself for a while and I feel in control.

Yesterday I was out with some friends and I had to leave because my bg was 13.5 for no foreseeable reason I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours and my last reading was 6.
I was so scared that it was that high I felt angry with myself and ashamed.
I hate myself with this disease it's stolen me and my life and I want both back and I know lots of diabetics say that don't let the diabetes stop you from doing what you want but it's stopping me big time and I can't control it.

I love lows and I know that sounds strange but I do. Managed correctly lows can keep you clear of long term damage.
I think I have a phobia of highs I'm testing 15 times a day to see if I'm high I've even injected intravenously once! It's what you do when you have a phobia of something you act irrationally about it and will put yourself in danger to avoid it.

I wish that this disease will go away I've had it for 18 months and look at how badly I am managing it! I do hate myself for it

 

[mist]

Don't worry about it, my bloods are rarely below 20mmol.

It is what it is, diabetes doesn't have to rule your life, so don't let it.

 

[shivles]

Don't worry about it, my bloods are rarely below 20mmol.

It is what it is, diabetes doesn't have to rule your life, so don't let it.

I'd be extremely worried about rarely being below 20mmol!

 

[shivles]

Now even I realise I'm getting stupid but for some reason I still can't stop what I'm doing.
I am aiming for non diabetic blood sugars and if I am even slightly out of that range on the high end then there is nothing I can do and I feel so useless that I haven't done better!
Lows feel good to me they make me feel good about myself and I know a lot of you on here know about this but not the full extent to which I inject even if I'm fasting 6.5 because that's a pre diabetic blood sugar and that's not good enough to for me.
When I'm low I don't treat it because I like my body being in that state I feel good about myself for a while and I feel in control.

Yesterday I was out with some friends and I had to leave because my bg was 13.5 for no foreseeable reason I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours and my last reading was 6.
I was so scared that it was that high I felt angry with myself and ashamed.
I hate myself with this disease it's stolen me and my life and I want both back and I know lots of diabetics say that don't let the diabetes stop you from doing what you want but it's stopping me big time and I can't control it.

I love lows and I know that sounds strange but I do. Managed correctly lows can keep you clear of long term damage.
I think I have a phobia of highs I'm testing 15 times a day to see if I'm high I've even injected intravenously once! It's what you do when you have a phobia of something you act irrationally about it and will put yourself in danger to avoid it.

I wish that this disease will go away I've had it for 18 months and look at how badly I am managing it! I do hate myself for it

Do you have a psychologist on your team? It does sound like a phobia but it's not really irrational as you're right to be concerned by a high but I feel you're overly concerned. Also the situation with lows is worrying, the way you're going about things is putting you at risk of loosing your hypo awareness. I strongly urge you to speak to your DSN about some councelling.

When you say you enjoy the lows, how low are you going? I'm worried you're putting yourself in immediate danger to avoid the long term danger

 

[catapillar]

@james122 i think it's so brave and extremely impressive in regards to your mental strength that you are able to recognise that your behaviour is coming from a phobia. I think it's a massive break through do you to call it a phobia. Don't underestimate just how impressive that is. The fact that you are strong enough to see it for what it is is really positive that you will, in time and with support and advice on coping techniques, be able to overcome it.

So, the next step is to get help with how to overcome the phobia so that you are able to resist the behaviour that you recognise to be destructive.

Have you spoke in these terms to your health team (your diabetic team or your GP) please, show them your post and ask for a referral for to a health psychologist.

 

[mist]

I'd be extremely worried about rarely being below 20mmol!

Stress..lol

 

[james122]

@catapillar I've spoken to them but everytime I do they just seem to put it off and say lows are dangerous they don't seem to care about highs.
When I wasn't managing it well when I was newly diagnosed I was rarely below 12 for about 2 months and they didn't care much but the lows they were on it straight away!

 

[mist]

Because lows can kill you quicker than a bullet to the brain Bro..they are right to be more concerned with lows.

 

[mist]

I used to know a kid on the cancer ward that was diabetic, he was only eight years old, his bloods were up there in the 30s and no one much cared, he died sadly, but he was a **** cool kid.

 

[james122]

@mist you better be careful with your highs above 20! That's asking for trouble in the long term I would much rather a 2.5 than a 20!!
Don't put yourself nore at risk of a slow and painful death I would put yourself a little closer to a quick death but just hope it dosen't happen and then you haven't got ill at all. Try that

 

[mist]

@mist you better be careful with your highs above 20! That's asking for trouble in the long term I would much rather a 2.5 than a 20!!
Don't put yourself nore at risk of a slow and painful death I would put yourself a little closer to a quick death but just hope it dosen't happen and then you haven't got ill at all. Try that

I've been ill my entire life, cancer can't even kill me, diabetes doesn't stand a chance..lol

 

[mist]

I'm not concerned with my highs because I'm not expecting to live long enough for it to become a problem. My doctors told me my cancer would almost certainly come back at some point so I'm just waiting patiently for that to happen.

I've been close to death so many times, I made my peace a long time ago and I don't fear it so..

Yea, why stress over it ya know?

 

[Robinredbreast]

@catapillar I've spoken to them but everytime I do they just seem to put it off and say lows are dangerous they don't seem to care about highs.
When I wasn't managing it well when I was newly diagnosed I was rarely below 12 for about 2 months and they didn't care much but the lows they were on it straight away!

Hi, how old are you, because if you are an adolescent, your GP can refer you to an organisation that could help, such as CAMHS. You do need to see a specialist which could help pyschologically with a way to help you deal and cope with your feelings.
Good luck, I hope you can get help and support.

 

[catapillar]

@catapillar I've spoken to them but everytime I do they just seem to put it off and say lows are dangerous they don't seem to care about highs.
When I wasn't managing it well when I was newly diagnosed I was rarely below 12 for about 2 months and they didn't care much but the lows they were on it straight away!

Ok, so that's a perfectly reasonable and sensible input from the medics in your diabetic team. Do show them the post so that they can understand the extent of your self harm behaviour.

But what you actually need is input from a psychiatrist /psychologist who also understands diabetes - hospitals that have this sort of multi disciplinary team include Kings college London and Sheffield university hospital. There will be others too. Have a look, see if you can find contact details for their diabetic psych teams, get in touch and ask them if they will accept a referral or suggest local teams who can help you.

 

[catapillar]

Although at this point, any psych support is better than no so do just ask your team for a referral to psych - explicitly ask for it with reference to previous and likely future self harm in inducing hypos.

 

[claire mccann]

James, I understand the fear of high blood sugars but trust me, always being low is not good because you loose your symptoms and next thing you know, your having regular hypos that require support from others including ambulances, that is NOT a good feeling. It's recognised a little bit high is okay at times-diabetes is a tough battle and you always have to be on (we don't get days off but you can have time where you're not totally focussed.) it's really long term for continuous high high blood sugars to cause health complications, hypos can cause a lot more rapid and quick impacts (even as little as falling over/not being able to drive/trusted to undertake tasks due to inability to guarantee you won't have a hypo causing time out).

It's a super fine line between low and high and it's tough but you've got to make the diabetes work within your lifestyle-it sounds like it's controlling you and that's not good.

I did struggle with this so I talked to specialists who helped me understand how irrational I was being. Can you do that? Not necessarily your doctor but maybe s counsellor to help you clarify and work thorough.
If you don't-keep posting here and talking about your concerns, don't bottle it up-it won't do any good.

I know this isn't an easy response but you can totally do this and take back control.

 

[Juicyj]

Yesterday I was out with some friends and I had to leave because my bg was 13.5 for no foreseeable reason I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours and my last reading was 6.
I was so scared that it was that high I felt angry with myself and ashamed.

Hi James,

@catapillar has given you some really good advice - you need to print off this post and take it your DSN, as you have rightly pointed out this is a phobia - so an extreme or irrational fear of running high BG levels, the fact that you had to leave your friends yesterday because your BG level was 13.5 indicates this. Sometimes I find that when i'm with friends I can run high, I guess it could be stress/adrenaline, not sure but my BG levels can run high without any food on board, it's not your fault though, don't feel ashamed. The fact that this is affecting your life to such a degree indicates your need for help with your self management, hypos are dangerous and losing hypo awareness is something you need to avoid. Please call your team today James ?

 

[Diamattic]

@james122 - Don't feel too bad about it - I am am close to the same. I will bolus at 6.5mmol/L everytime as well lol For the same reason - its not 'normal'.

There is nothing wrong with being keen on ensuring that your sugars are normal. However you shouldn't feel so bad when they aren't.

Having highs and lows are both damaging to your body - as well is a sudden shift from low to high, or even high to low as you cells do not like the fast shifts in BS levels. So keep that in mind too.

I wouldn't really worry about 'staying low' unless youre staying under 4, or your symptoms of going low have vanished - they exist for a reason and its unsafe to operate that low without them.

You should probably work on your mental game at this point lol But also being high (like you were at 13.5) can mess with your mental capacities and make you irritable and angry (even at yourself) so it may have amplified your behaviour.

 

[redtree92]

Now even I realise I'm getting stupid but for some reason I still can't stop what I'm doing.
I am aiming for non diabetic blood sugars and if I am even slightly out of that range on the high end then there is nothing I can do and I feel so useless that I haven't done better!
Lows feel good to me they make me feel good about myself and I know a lot of you on here know about this but not the full extent to which I inject even if I'm fasting 6.5 because that's a pre diabetic blood sugar and that's not good enough to for me.
When I'm low I don't treat it because I like my body being in that state I feel good about myself for a while and I feel in control.

Yesterday I was out with some friends and I had to leave because my bg was 13.5 for no foreseeable reason I hadn't eaten anything for about 3 hours and my last reading was 6.
I was so scared that it was that high I felt angry with myself and ashamed.
I hate myself with this disease it's stolen me and my life and I want both back and I know lots of diabetics say that don't let the diabetes stop you from doing what you want but it's stopping me big time and I can't control it.

I love lows and I know that sounds strange but I do. Managed correctly lows can keep you clear of long term damage.
I think I have a phobia of highs I'm testing 15 times a day to see if I'm high I've even injected intravenously once! It's what you do when you have a phobia of something you act irrationally about it and will put yourself in danger to avoid it.

I wish that this disease will go away I've had it for 18 months and look at how badly I am managing it! I do hate myself for it

hey,

your still so new to this, please try to relax, it will take time, its almost just like finding yourself again, and there are lots and lots of demons to face, an it takes time.

In eleven years as a type one, I am still learning who I am, going through the denial, and then the control, the depression, the fear of appointments.
You will get there, but communication is the best first step! you should be proud that you are reaching out, remember that you can ask for help, even if its from the diabetic teams, but I think having someone to express your feelings to will help, someone you can call if you are feeling like this, and just talk it over?

But one day at a time, like I said you are so new to diabetes, and its allot to adjust to, but we are all here for you.
I hope that you can find a way to balance everything, and be happy in your skin and with your faulty pancreas.

Your not alone,

x

 

[Jaylee]

I'm not concerned with my highs because I'm not expecting to live long enough for it to become a problem. My doctors told me my cancer would almost certainly come back at some point so I'm just waiting patiently for that to happen.

I've been close to death so many times, I made my peace a long time ago and I don't fear it so..

Yea, why stress over it ya know?

Dude. I like your approach.. But most of all your "off the wall" humour..
Doctors are quite often wrong. Why let D complications take you before an "educated guess" on the big C...?

Respect!