A parent with a teenager in denial.

[James321]

Any advise from parents. Struggling to see there child ignoring diabetes. She's seventeen, recently diagnosed two years just gone.
Always been headstrong however screams at me if I approach the subject or ask her anything about it.
My name is Jim, 52, I want to support my daughter as all parents I'm sure do.
Thanks Jim.

 

[azure]

Welcome @James321

I'm going to tag some parents of Type 1s for you @mahola @sadsocks

You can also check out the Parent section here

It must be very difficult wanting to help your daughter and being pushed away. Can I ask if you have any idea how her control is? Do you know her HbA1C or her daily blood test results? Does she test as often as she should?

I have Type 1 but none of my children do, but I would advise maybe praise rather than what she may wrongly see as prying or criticism. So tell her how proud you are with how she's managing. Tell her how hard you'd find it. Tell her you think she's amazing and strong. If she feels you're not 'judging' her, she may open up a bit more.

I would guess part of her response comes from fear and a hatred of being different to her friends. Has she talked about this at all?

 

[leslie10152]

Any advise from parents. Struggling to see there child ignoring diabetes. She's seventeen, recently diagnosed two years just gone.
Always been headstrong however screams at me if I approach the subject or ask her anything about it.
My name is Jim, 52, I want to support my daughter as all parents I'm sure do.
Thanks Jim.

Being a diabetic and a teenager do not go hand in hand. Stay with her, she needs you.

 

[James321]

Thanks Leslie, yes she does. It's a tough time for most people let alone having diabetes on top of that.
They see so many so call perfect people, thrown in our faces on a daily basis, and they don't want to be different.
Thanks for the message.

 

[TorqPenderloin]

Being a diabetic and a teenager do not go hand in hand. Stay with her, she needs you.

Unfortunately, this is a sad reality for many young people.

@James321 how did you handle her diagnosis two years ago, emotionally? How are you handling things now?

I ask because there is a possibility you may be asking her the wrong questions. Unfortunately, there are a lot of aspects to this disease that you can only understand if you're living with it yourself.

Obviously, it goes without saying that it's not your fault.

Positive reenforcement generally works much better than negative.
Respect her privacy and understand that asking questions like "What is your blood sugar number?" Is the equivalent of asking someone what color underwear they're wearing (which is even worse if it's coming from a parent).

I hate to say it but if I had a teenage child with t1d (and I may one day) my primary objective managing this disease would be to help them get through their teenage and young adult years without any permanent damage. Anything more would be a bonus.

 

[leslie10152]

Thanks Leslie, yes she does. It's a tough time for most people let alone having diabetes on top of that.
They see so many so call perfect people, thrown in our faces on a daily basis, and they don't want to be different.
Thanks for the message.

Some of these 'perfect people' are diabetic too!

 

[James321]

Welcome @James321

I'm going to tag some parents of Type 1s for you @mahola @sadsocks

You can also check out the Parent section here

It must be very difficult wanting to help your daughter and being pushed away. Can I ask if you have any idea how her control is? Do you know her HbA1C or her daily blood test results? Does she test as often as she should?

I have Type 1 but none of my children do, but I would advise maybe praise rather than what she may wrongly see as prying or criticism. So tell her how proud you are with how she's managing. Tell her how hard you'd find it. Tell her you think she's amazing and strong. If she feels you're not 'judging' her, she may open up a bit more.

I would guess part of her response comes from fear and a hatred of being different to her friends. Has she talked about this at all?

Firstly thanks for your response, her checking is not good, at best every other day. Her three months readings are averaging 15.5 and that's better than the previous quarter. If I try to talk to other people we get a flow of the consequences of poor control. I'm sure they mean well however telling us the results of not looking after yourself with diabetes does not help.
She has lost so much weight and even the diabetes nurse has said we have nothing more to offer you. As a parent you want to protect your children, it's a frustrating and incredibly stressful home from all.
I always try to praise her however I will make an effort to go the extra mile.
We're paying for driving lessons at the moment to encourage her to look after herself, but even that is something she hates since we were told by the nurse she has to get in under control before she passes her test. No that didn't help. Thanks for your advice I will keep going. Have a good day.
Jim

 

[azure]

Does her diabetes centre have a psychologist or counsellor she can talk to about her feelings? Is there anyone like a close relative or a friend she might open up to?

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help her. It must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting : (

Would she consider joining this forum? Maybe talking to young people who also have Type 1 would help? (If she did join, we could,delete this thread so,don't worry about that).

 

[Ann1982]

Although I have type 2 one of my sons friends was type 1. She went through the same thing too. Her mum was so glad when she was out with my son included in the group of friends as he knew what to do. Perhaps she has a friend you could talk to. It might come over better from the friend. At the very least make sure they know what to do when and if required. My sons friend is now happily married with children of her own.

 

[James321]

Unfortunately, this is a sad reality for many young people.

@James321 how did you handle her diagnosis two years ago, emotionally? How are you handling things now?

I ask because there is a possibility you may be asking her the wrong questions. Unfortunately, there are a lot of aspects to this disease that you can only understand if you're living with it yourself.

Obviously, it goes without saying that it's not your fault.

Positive reenforcement generally works much better than negative.
Respect her privacy and understand that asking questions like "What is your blood sugar number?" Is the equivalent of asking someone what color underwear they're wearing (which is even worse if it's coming from a parent).

I hate to say it but if I had a teenage child with t1d (and I may one day) my primary objective managing this disease would be to help them get through their teenage and young adult years without any permanent damage. Anything more would be a bonus.

That's the first thing that made me laugh today. By the way mine are blue. When she was first diagnosed we were all upset, I slept on the floor next to her in the hospital on a small mattress, as she started to feel better over the coming days she began to be the pickle she always was. Getting her deodorant and spraying it under my covers half way through the night when she couldn't sleep.
I have been over zelus with her and to protective, I can see that now. I will try to be there in the background if and when she needs me.
It's a horrible time for all even her younger sister who has ended up defending her at school due to unsavoury characters for the want of a better word name calling etc.
Thanks for taking the time for me, it's great to hear a friendly person there.
Take care of yourself and keep smiling.
Jim.

 

[James321]

Although I have type 2 one of my sons friends was type 1. She went through the same thing too. Her mum was so glad when she was out with my son included in the group of friends as he knew what to do. Perhaps she has a friend you could talk to. It might come over better from the friend. At the very least make sure they know what to do when and if required. My sons friend is now happily married with children of her own.

Thanks Ann, she doesn't tell anyone she has diabetes, not even the college she attends. Don't worry we have had a quiet word with them.
We will get there it's just tough for her and I want to protect her from it but can't. Yes that's just wrong as a parent, it's a paternal instinct to do so.
We will stay strong and keep being there for each other even if that's not appropriate at the moment, that really doesn't matter.
Hope you're looking after yourself,
Take care
Jim

 

[James321]

Does her diabetes centre have a psychologist or counsellor she can talk to about her feelings? Is there anyone like a close relative or a friend she might open up to?

It sounds like you're doing everything you can to help her. It must be incredibly frustrating and upsetting : (

Would she consider joining this forum? Maybe talking to young people who also have Type 1 would help? (If she did join, we could,delete this thread so,don't worry about that).

I would love her to join, but that's admitting she has it.
Frustrating, incredibly, a psychologist, yes we went for around seven sessions however she was a child one and my daughter insisted I went with her.
She is shy with others and brave with me. She needs a good friend however her boyfriend has recently left her for her friend so it doesn't rain but pours at times.
I will be there for her thick and thin.
Thanks for taking the time for your advice.
Jim.

 

[James321]

Some of these 'perfect people' are diabetic too!

So true, I need to show her a roll model who is orange with great big teeth.

 

[Chook]

I haven't got a daughter with Type 1 but I have had (extensive) experience of my daughter being emotional and negative at the same age as yours, I'm not sure what I would have done with T1 added in to the mix.

Can your daughter's college help at all? Maybe they might have other students with it that could mentor your daughter and I think @azure had a good idea in whether her diabetes centre (or her college) have a counsellor that could help with her emotions.

One thing I can guarantee is that she WILL grow out of this phase - it works best if you keep calm but insist that while she lives in your house that she abides by the house rules. If you feel you want to give talking to her another try then I recommend doing it in a public place where both of you are likely to remain calm, but don't try this with more than one parent and her because she'll feel ganged up against. I found starting every conversation about behaviour with the words 'You know I love you, don't you' and then move on to discuss the issues you need to.

It might take a while to get there but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[azure]

I would love her to join, but that's admitting she has it.
Frustrating, incredibly, a psychologist, yes we went for around seven sessions however she was a child one and my daughter insisted I went with her.
She is shy with others and brave with me. She needs a good friend however her boyfriend has recently left her for her friend so it doesn't rain but pours at times.
I will be there for her thick and thin.
Thanks for taking the time for your advice.
Jim.

Perhaps the boyfriend leaving didn't help. Type 1 marks you out as 'different' and can affcet your confidence hugely. So I think general reassurance might be good as well - things that are nothing to do with her diabetes, but just about how proud you are of her in general. It sounds silly and trivial, but I remember sometimes feeling inferior because of the Type 1. When you're a teen, it can sometimes be easy to undervalue yourself and feel you're not good enough. Type 1 only adds to those feelings.

We often recommend the book Think Like A Pancreas to Type 1s because it has a lot of information about managing the condition, but when I read it what I also felt was relief as I read the author's account of Type 1 and what a pain in the bum it can be. It's written in a chatty, amusing way but I found it made me feel good to read the words of someone who totally got it.

You seem to be implying she's still not accepted her diabetes. If that's the case, perhaps talking about advances towards a cure and easier/better care might help? That might give her an incentive to look after her health - ie stay healthy to be ready for these advances.

 

[EllsKBells]

@James321 I'm not a parent, but I was a teenager with diabetes. I was 16 when I was diagnosed five years ago, and when I got to about 18 (so about two years in) I... rebelled. To put it mildly. Being asked what my blood sugars were made me really, really angry. I hesitate to call it an eating disorder, but I developed a very unhealthy relationship with food, where I would binge eat and not inject, then inject and not eat for days.

I'm on a better track now, and something that really helped me is getting a Freestyle Libre, which my grandmother very generously pays for. You can scan with a phone, and whilst it doesn't replace finger pricks, it's better than nothing if she isn't testing at all. At first the novelty of it had me scanning, and then because I could see what I was actually doing to myself, that encouraged me to start trying again. For some reason, the graph seems to have more meaning to it for me than the number on the metre.

As a parent I am sure you want to constantly ask about blood sugars to know how she is. I can't speak for her, but for me it just felt not only like my parents didn't trust me, but also it became a subject of immense anxiety every time my sugars weren't perfect, which sometimes they just aren't. SO maybe try to restrict yourself to asking once a day. Instead, why don't you try asking her how she is - show her that you are interested in her, not just the diabetes, or if there is anything that you can do for her. When I am really struggling, my boyfriend asks if he can make me a cup of tea. It reminds me that I am loved, and that even though it feels like it, there is a world beyond diabetes.

I know you've said she would be resistant to it, but I have found this forum to be a great support. Alternatively, does she do twitter? I don't, but I believe there are several rather good accounts of diabetics, and I'm sure the same is true of other social media sites. This is a very lonely disease, and I would guess that she feels that you don't understand. Which you don't. But that doesn't mean you don't care, or feel for her. Perhaps she doesn't want you to feel sorry for her. I'm not a psychologist, and I'm not in her head, I can only relate from my own experiences.

Sorry for the essay!

 

[tim2000s]

If she does twitter, then the hashtag #gbdoc is worth a look. There are a fair few young T1 women of a similar age who are part of the group and very open. They would be very supportive.

 

[Fruitella]

Hi, has she made any plans for the summer? Maybe a choice for her to make of either a Diabetic Camp for age 16-18 or doing her National Citizenship. The NCS means mixing with a new circle of people away from the often silliest people at school or college. Followed by a week or so doing something with friends. Grandchildren did the NCS last summer and one of them is now helping out at a youth club. She is struggling as a teenager but others telling how how helpful etc. she is has helped her with low self esteem. Good luck.

 

[Lorraine1973]

Hi, has she made any plans for the summer? Maybe a choice for her to make of either a Diabetic Camp for age 16-18 or doing her National Citizenship. The NCS means mixing with a new circle of people away from the often silliest people at school or college. Followed by a week or so doing something with friends. Grandchildren did the NCS last summer and one of them is now helping out at a youth club. She is struggling as a teenager but others telling how how helpful etc. she is has helped her with low self esteem. Good luck.

I would highly recommend her going to the diabetic camp. It's great fun for them. I'd speak to her DN x

 

[Resurgam]

It must be so worrying to be in your position - I wondered if there was any leverage you could exert - in a gentle way - with the driving lessons - there are legal requirements which diabetics must observe before driving, so it would not be fair for the driving instructor to be going out with your daughter if her levels had not been checked, and corrected before setting out. Once she has a licence to drive then it would be even more important to check and correct, as she could be going out alone or with people who's safety was in her hands -