Unsupportive Spouse

[Sthiel438]

Hello Everyone. I am hoping for some advice/hear others experiences with unsupportive spouses and how they handle it. My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way. Ever since I was diagnosed (5 years ago at age 20), I’ve had a lot of ups and downs that coincide with my blood sugars. When I am low, I get irritable and when I am high I get very sleepy and that can also make me cranky. I also went through a period of depression after first being diagnosed.

Despite the fact that I was going through all that and wanted to be close to family, my friends and my doctors, he asked me to move 10 hours away from my home for his job and did not accept no for an answer. He kept pushing until I said yes. We have since moved back because I couldn’t stand being so far away from my support system so he has at least done that. I think he knew our marriage would fail if we stayed and wanted to fix it.

But his response to my negative emotions is always anger. When I’m frustrated because I can’t get my blood sugar to go down and I don’t know why and I just want to complain or I’m frustrated at trying to understand how to manage this disease and feeling like I am failing, he just gets angry with me. He snaps at me and basically tells me I need to calm down and deal with it. I get it that I need to do those things, but he doesn’t approach the conversations with compassion. I just want someone to talk to and someone to help me emotionally cope or be a sounding board, and I would love that to be him, but I just don’t think he can fit that role. I try to be positive as often as I can. I truly do, but sometimes things just make me sad or angry. Is that okay or am I expecting too much?

When I was first diagnosed he even apologized to our friends for me having to inject myself. I once gave myself a shot at dinner (before I had my pump) and tried to do it discreetly below the table. He apologized to our friends and said “I hope needles don’t bother you”. I never did that again and went to the bathroom instead but it was difficult to feel like I couldn’t openly manage my disease in public.

He also has an annoying habit of refusing to slow down when I go low. We are active and when we are hiking or out walking about and I go low, he gets so frustrated with me. He blames my management techniques and tells me I should have done things differently so it wouldn’t happen. I try to keep going even though I’m low so we don’t have to stop, but that typically means we would have to walk VERY slowly, and I am fine with that but he is not. He just speeds ahead or tries to push the pace and then I end up walking by myself until my sugars are high enough for me to catch up to him.

Additionally, my CGM alarms constantly get on his nerves. I tend to sleep through them especially when I am high (because as I said earlier it makes me more sleepy). My pump will only vibrate for so long before it starts trilling (admittedly very annoyingly), and I wish I could just wake up when it goes off, but I don’t. The other night, he was in the living room watching t.v and I was sleeping. All of a sudden he came barging into the bedroom and said, “you need to make that thing shut up!!”. No, honey are you okay? Your pump keeps going off. No, oh my god, is my wife okay? What if she is passed out due to low blood sugar? It was just immediate anger.

I feel like my disease is a burden to him. I don’t ask much from him. I rarely ask him to bring me snacks when I am low or try to make accommodations for me unless it is absolutely necessary because I know how upsetting it is to him. When I’m around my family they get concerned when my pump makes any noise at all and my husband always laughs it off and says why are you so concerned? She just deals with it. The truth is that I just deal with it on my own because he doesn’t react well when I ask for any type of help and so I make sure I am not a burden as best as I can. But I can’t sustain this forever....

I currently do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He works weird hours from about 12-9 every day and most weekends as a swim coach. What am I going to do when we have kids? Moms out there- how do you manage this disease and your kiddos with minimal to no support from your husband? I’m already almost completely alone.... how do I do this while trying to raise our family? I’m not pregnant yet but he wants to start having kids soon.

We’ve been together for 10 years... we got together in high school and he was the sweetest guy. I never imagined our life together would ever look like this and that all his compassion towards me would evaporate. He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me. I don’t want to leave him, but I just want a man who supports me and this disease. Did anyone meet their SO after diagnosis and have better luck?

Now I’m having issues with a new pump I switched to and the CGM malfunctioning. These next four years are daunting to me based on the last few weeks experiences I’ve had with the pump. When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment. I just don’t think I can come to him with any concerns. His beliefs/thoughts/opinions are more important than my feelings and what I am going through.

Starting to fall out of love with my husband over all this.... any help is appreciated. I don’t want to change him... I just want him to accept me with Type 1 Diabetes. How do I do that?

 

[EllieM]

I'm sorry you're in a bad place.

He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me.

When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment.

I don't think your diabetes is the cause of your issues, I think it's a symptom. I would suggest marriage counselling/therapy.

I was diagnosed when 8 so my husband's always known me as a diabetic. He doesn't advise on insulin or carbs but he supports me on diet (he does most of the cooking) and, most important, has rescued me from many hypos, including night time ones.

Good luck.

 

[annieblade]

You poor thing. Diabetes affects us because we have to live with it but also affects our partners who live with it in a very different way. I was diagnised at 56 and after 20 years of stable, loving marriage but my husband struggles with it. I recognise a lot of what you are saying as my husband does some of those things too. I try to view it as "on a good day" vs "on a bad day". So on a good day my husband has moved to low carb meals, found alternatives to rice and pasta, and bought a diabetic cook book (he does the cooking). And on a very good day, when we are walking and I have a hypo (often) he asks if I want to go home rather than continue and stands waiting for my sugar levels to pick up. On a bad day he becomes a self-endorsed diabetes expert, makes unfair comparsions with managing T2 and implies. or even says, I am not doing things right.

When I was diagnosed he told everyone, without asking me if that was okay, and I got on a bus one day and the driver said "sorry to hear about the diabetes"! But if I mention it in public he tells me to stop talking about it

I think he struggles to know what to do. He can't do much on the practical side - we have to do that ourselves - and he can see it affects me. What I need is emotional support but he's a hubbie, they don't always give us that, only on a good day.

what I did? Got talking to my close friends. Started laughing about the ridiculous things we have to do and the effect it has on us. Cried on the shoulder of a caring friend/ family member. And accepted my husband for what he is - we all have our limitations and maybe inside he is angry that I have this wretched disease?

Anne

 

[lucylocket61]

He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me.

this. He cant control your diabetes, so panics and shows it as anger. Does he have Aspergers, by any chance?

I think, regardless of what he wants, you should decide to have children when you are ready. It sounds like he wears you down into complying with his wishes. Perhaps you could talk to a counselor, on your own, about these issues.

 

[ickihun]

Hello Everyone. I am hoping for some advice/hear others experiences with unsupportive spouses and how they handle it. My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way. Ever since I was diagnosed (5 years ago at age 20), I’ve had a lot of ups and downs that coincide with my blood sugars. When I am low, I get irritable and when I am high I get very sleepy and that can also make me cranky. I also went through a period of depression after first being diagnosed.

Despite the fact that I was going through all that and wanted to be close to family, my friends and my doctors, he asked me to move 10 hours away from my home for his job and did not accept no for an answer. He kept pushing until I said yes. We have since moved back because I couldn’t stand being so far away from my support system so he has at least done that. I think he knew our marriage would fail if we stayed and wanted to fix it.

But his response to my negative emotions is always anger. When I’m frustrated because I can’t get my blood sugar to go down and I don’t know why and I just want to complain or I’m frustrated at trying to understand how to manage this disease and feeling like I am failing, he just gets angry with me. He snaps at me and basically tells me I need to calm down and deal with it. I get it that I need to do those things, but he doesn’t approach the conversations with compassion. I just want someone to talk to and someone to help me emotionally cope or be a sounding board, and I would love that to be him, but I just don’t think he can fit that role. I try to be positive as often as I can. I truly do, but sometimes things just make me sad or angry. Is that okay or am I expecting too much?

When I was first diagnosed he even apologized to our friends for me having to inject myself. I once gave myself a shot at dinner (before I had my pump) and tried to do it discreetly below the table. He apologized to our friends and said “I hope needles don’t bother you”. I never did that again and went to the bathroom instead but it was difficult to feel like I couldn’t openly manage my disease in public.

He also has an annoying habit of refusing to slow down when I go low. We are active and when we are hiking or out walking about and I go low, he gets so frustrated with me. He blames my management techniques and tells me I should have done things differently so it wouldn’t happen. I try to keep going even though I’m low so we don’t have to stop, but that typically means we would have to walk VERY slowly, and I am fine with that but he is not. He just speeds ahead or tries to push the pace and then I end up walking by myself until my sugars are high enough for me to catch up to him.

Additionally, my CGM alarms constantly get on his nerves. I tend to sleep through them especially when I am high (because as I said earlier it makes me more sleepy). My pump will only vibrate for so long before it starts trilling (admittedly very annoyingly), and I wish I could just wake up when it goes off, but I don’t. The other night, he was in the living room watching t.v and I was sleeping. All of a sudden he came barging into the bedroom and said, “you need to make that thing shut up!!”. No, honey are you okay? Your pump keeps going off. No, oh my god, is my wife okay? What if she is passed out due to low blood sugar? It was just immediate anger.

I feel like my disease is a burden to him. I don’t ask much from him. I rarely ask him to bring me snacks when I am low or try to make accommodations for me unless it is absolutely necessary because I know how upsetting it is to him. When I’m around my family they get concerned when my pump makes any noise at all and my husband always laughs it off and says why are you so concerned? She just deals with it. The truth is that I just deal with it on my own because he doesn’t react well when I ask for any type of help and so I make sure I am not a burden as best as I can. But I can’t sustain this forever....

I currently do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He works weird hours from about 12-9 every day and most weekends as a swim coach. What am I going to do when we have kids? Moms out there- how do you manage this disease and your kiddos with minimal to no support from your husband? I’m already almost completely alone.... how do I do this while trying to raise our family? I’m not pregnant yet but he wants to start having kids soon.

We’ve been together for 10 years... we got together in high school and he was the sweetest guy. I never imagined our life together would ever look like this and that all his compassion towards me would evaporate. He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me. I don’t want to leave him, but I just want a man who supports me and this disease. Did anyone meet their SO after diagnosis and have better luck?

Now I’m having issues with a new pump I switched to and the CGM malfunctioning. These next four years are daunting to me based on the last few weeks experiences I’ve had with the pump. When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment. I just don’t think I can come to him with any concerns. His beliefs/thoughts/opinions are more important than my feelings and what I am going through.

Starting to fall out of love with my husband over all this.... any help is appreciated. I don’t want to change him... I just want him to accept me with Type 1 Diabetes. How do I do that?

Wow neither wonder your upset.
Mr ickihun has a different head on everyday so never know how he's going to respond to my health problems day by day or hour by hour. My hubby has had different illness.

I use this forum instead. I have some beautiful friends on here.
I hope you get that network too.
They are a godsend in times of anxiety.

Open up on any threads relevant to you and give something back, if you can. We all need an ear at times.

Welcome to a great forum.

 

[Antje77]

he wants to start having kids soon

And what do YOU want? Are you absolutely positive you want to have children at the moment and with this man?

 

[tim2000s]

@Sthiel438 - I'd suggest that there are two paths you need to take. As has already been mentioned, if you want to continue the relationship, I agree that you need some relationship counselling. From many perspectives, with what you have described, this looks like an abusive relationship.

Secondly, as others have also said. What do you want? Do you want a relationship with someone who doesn't appear to be engaged with you, or interested in what you're going through, sees you as the person who looks after them and the house, is a baby machine and has no respect for you, or are you after something more? You are 25, which means you are very far from over the hill, and while living with Type 1 never goes away, it can get easier. If he is not going to make any effort in understanding, is that someone you really want to have in your life?

Then of course there's the position if you do have kids. Whilst people always like to think that having kids will change someone's behaviour, the reality is that generally it doesn't, and if anything, kids lead to more heartache, divorce and recrimination, especially if you are already concerned about behaviour.

Whatever choice you make, I'd urge you to think very carefully about your future and your future happiness.

 

[Deleted Account]

Your husband's reaction to your diabetes may be a symptom of something bigger.
It could also be a reaction to his fear of what diabetes could do to the woman he loves.
I wonder if he is involved in any way with your diabetes. Does he join you at your annual reviews? Does he know anyone else with type 1 diabetes? Does he know anything about diabetes apart from seeing you suffer from high or low BG?
It may help if he spoke to someone else who understands managing diabetes every day.

I get my partner to "help" by working out how many carbs in my food. We sometimes make it a game: I guess, he guesses and then we work it out. He has learnt (as we all know) that it is not easy and we make mistakes.
It's a small thing but has given him some understand of what we go through.

 

[KK123]

It sounds like it's still worth going to counselling together but at some point, if things don't change, what then? Adding children to the mix right now is likely to make things worse, how can he expect you to be able to cope with children and type 1 when he refuses to help YOU now? I would have said maybe he is angry on your behalf or cannot cope with you being 'ill' and is scared (both of which counselling might help with) but you says he has always been controlling. Sorry, but that is not good in my opinion, he is still trying to control you now and in the worst possible way, when you are trying to cope with your health. Whatever you do, good luck.

 

[Smallbrit]

My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way.

If you take diabetes out of the equation, are you prepared to be a parent under the same circumstances? Because parenting a new baby is hard - it's tiring, it's emotional, it's frustrating. You will be tired, emotional, frustrated. (I'd say it gets easier, but I've hit the tween years with my daughter, and that's a whole new thing to contemplate!)

I'm concerned that there's wider relationship things to address here. Though diabetes seems to be the trigger for most of the situations at the moment, the stress of parenting (for any parent) will just add exponentially to the list. If you don't have support for diabetic-related emotions, is there going to be support for parenting emotions?

Diabetes and parenting is all a learning process - there are lots of mistakes made in both, but the goal is to learn from mistakes and try not to repeat them. If there's no learning involved, that's when I start to worry.

 

[ickihun]

It sounds like it's still worth going to counselling together but at some point, if things don't change, what then? Adding children to the mix right now is likely to make things worse, how can he expect you to be able to cope with children and type 1 when he refuses to help YOU now? I would have said maybe he is angry on your behalf or cannot cope with you being 'ill' and is scared (both of which counselling might help with) but you says he has always been controlling. Sorry, but that is not good in my opinion, he is still trying to control you now and in the worst possible way, when you are trying to cope with your health. Whatever you do, good luck.

I have to agree Mr ickihun is hands on with kids and home.

 

[David_A_Hughes]

I get the impression my diabetes and opted for diet is just something of an inconvenience for my wife - I frequently get the comment 'Oh, don't be so ridiculous' when I talk about it. I'm not sure whether or not it's tongue in cheek or for real.

 

[davej1950]

I think you are in an abusive relationship. He needs to know he is a controlling bully/bullying controller. Whilst marriage counselling may be useful, it sounds to me that he has deep seated issues from his upbringing. I think it highly unlikely he will agree but he needs counselling/CBT. He needs to understand what is causing his behaviour, and it needs to change. Children will add more stress and there must be an increased risk that your kids will also develop diabetes. Think about what his attitude will be like then. If he won't recognise he has a problem, is there someone who knows him that will tell him to his face, perhaps if someone other than you can confront him bluntly he might begin to realise what is happening to your relationship. I wish you all the best, but at the end of the day you have to make yourself the priority, do you really think you can cope with this for the next 50 years?

 

[barry54]

Very interesting post this one, I think you may need to understand that your illness is not necessarily his, marriage is a struggle
When two people live long healthy lives but when one partner becomes ill the struggle is exacerbated because it’s not what we signed up for, we all have our own vision of the future and that vision is about how we see our lives panning out across a long future, when one partner becomes ill that alters everything and the vision becomes altered as well, this invariably has to be voluntarily downgraded by the partner who is not ill, This is something some people struggle with because they see their lives becoming very restrictive through no fault of the own.
Marriage is 90% compromise in your case you need to establish what you want and try to establish what he wants and then meet
Somewhere in the middle. Your illness is something you have to manage with the support of your partner but it needs to be remembered that it should not overtake your life or your marriage.

 

[Honeyend]

I would read your own post as if you were someone else. Are there any positives in this relationship? You are not going to wake up one morning without T1, so he has to adapt, because you are having to adapt, but like most changes in life you have to want to change. does he have the capacity to do that?
If he likes to be in control perhaps the fact you are in control makes your diabetes is seen as a threat. As others have said he needs counselling, but I think you need to talk it over with a trusted friend. Anyone who loves you should be interested in your welfare, and part of loving someone is allowing people to change and supporting them. People who love you make you feel good about your self, that doesn't mean they don't get cross with your sometimes, but you should know they are on your side. Always.

 

[LouWilk059]

There's all kinds of wrong in what you wrote. HE needs counselling for his controlling behaviour. In Canada his described behaviour is considered abuse. I can't tell where you live but in my Province (Manitoba) we would refer you to Victims Services for assistance

 

[JillCoulter-King]

Hello Everyone. I am hoping for some advice/hear others experiences with unsupportive spouses and how they handle it. My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way. Ever since I was diagnosed (5 years ago at age 20), I’ve had a lot of ups and downs that coincide with my blood sugars. When I am low, I get irritable and when I am high I get very sleepy and that can also make me cranky. I also went through a period of depression after first being diagnosed.

Despite the fact that I was going through all that and wanted to be close to family, my friends and my doctors, he asked me to move 10 hours away from my home for his job and did not accept no for an answer. He kept pushing until I said yes. We have since moved back because I couldn’t stand being so far away from my support system so he has at least done that. I think he knew our marriage would fail if we stayed and wanted to fix it.

But his response to my negative emotions is always anger. When I’m frustrated because I can’t get my blood sugar to go down and I don’t know why and I just want to complain or I’m frustrated at trying to understand how to manage this disease and feeling like I am failing, he just gets angry with me. He snaps at me and basically tells me I need to calm down and deal with it. I get it that I need to do those things, but he doesn’t approach the conversations with compassion. I just want someone to talk to and someone to help me emotionally cope or be a sounding board, and I would love that to be him, but I just don’t think he can fit that role. I try to be positive as often as I can. I truly do, but sometimes things just make me sad or angry. Is that okay or am I expecting too much?

When I was first diagnosed he even apologized to our friends for me having to inject myself. I once gave myself a shot at dinner (before I had my pump) and tried to do it discreetly below the table. He apologized to our friends and said “I hope needles don’t bother you”. I never did that again and went to the bathroom instead but it was difficult to feel like I couldn’t openly manage my disease in public.

He also has an annoying habit of refusing to slow down when I go low. We are active and when we are hiking or out walking about and I go low, he gets so frustrated with me. He blames my management techniques and tells me I should have done things differently so it wouldn’t happen. I try to keep going even though I’m low so we don’t have to stop, but that typically means we would have to walk VERY slowly, and I am fine with that but he is not. He just speeds ahead or tries to push the pace and then I end up walking by myself until my sugars are high enough for me to catch up to him.

Additionally, my CGM alarms constantly get on his nerves. I tend to sleep through them especially when I am high (because as I said earlier it makes me more sleepy). My pump will only vibrate for so long before it starts trilling (admittedly very annoyingly), and I wish I could just wake up when it goes off, but I don’t. The other night, he was in the living room watching t.v and I was sleeping. All of a sudden he came barging into the bedroom and said, “you need to make that thing shut up!!”. No, honey are you okay? Your pump keeps going off. No, oh my god, is my wife okay? What if she is passed out due to low blood sugar? It was just immediate anger.

I feel like my disease is a burden to him. I don’t ask much from him. I rarely ask him to bring me snacks when I am low or try to make accommodations for me unless it is absolutely necessary because I know how upsetting it is to him. When I’m around my family they get concerned when my pump makes any noise at all and my husband always laughs it off and says why are you so concerned? She just deals with it. The truth is that I just deal with it on my own because he doesn’t react well when I ask for any type of help and so I make sure I am not a burden as best as I can. But I can’t sustain this forever....

I currently do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He works weird hours from about 12-9 every day and most weekends as a swim coach. What am I going to do when we have kids? Moms out there- how do you manage this disease and your kiddos with minimal to no support from your husband? I’m already almost completely alone.... how do I do this while trying to raise our family? I’m not pregnant yet but he wants to start having kids soon.

We’ve been together for 10 years... we got together in high school and he was the sweetest guy. I never imagined our life together would ever look like this and that all his compassion towards me would evaporate. He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me. I don’t want to leave him, but I just want a man who supports me and this disease. Did anyone meet their SO after diagnosis and have better luck?

Now I’m having issues with a new pump I switched to and the CGM malfunctioning. These next four years are daunting to me based on the last few weeks experiences I’ve had with the pump. When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment. I just don’t think I can come to him with any concerns. His beliefs/thoughts/opinions are more important than my feelings and what I am going through.

Starting to fall out of love with my husband over all this.... any help is appreciated. I don’t want to change him... I just want him to accept me with Type 1 Diabetes. How do I do that?

It seems your husband can not cope with your diabetes and certainly doesn't like the fact that it impacts on his life. i honestly believe you only have 2 options, you either put up with his behaviour and try to make him understand that it is not your fault or you look at a new life without your husband. My partner is the same tells me off and gets me stressed which doesn't help he is controlling he believes that my diabetes is brought on by unhealthy lifestyle, telling me it's a shame I have to go on insulin because I can't control what goes in my mouth, when it is in my genes I am type2 and all my family has it. I try to ignore my partners comments and sometimes I can and other times it is so hard, but if it gets to the stage I can't deal with his comments anymore and it starts to make me ill I will be off, my GP is aware of my unsupportive partner make sure your GP is also aware.

 

[QPR4Me]

Oh my God, I can't believe this. When I met my wife 28 years ago, she knew little about diabetes but quickly learned. She assisted me on my journey from bad tablets (Chloropropamide and Metformin) to Insulin and the joys of hypos. Now, having had some real problems, she helped me with changing medication (a lot of prompting and support from her) and helped me to switch to the lower carb diet that I now follow, resulting in her losing 15 kilos and my losing 25 kilos. Without her support, I probably wouldn't be around now, due to depression and becoming totally disheartened by my diabetes.
I know that I am very, very lucky indeed. I don't know you, or your husband but I would say he needs to answer some questions. It is hard for the spouse of a diabetic to cope with it and its complications but this cannot carry on. Time for you both to get help with your relationship and both to learn what the other thinks and feels regarding diabetes. He may feel fear over what could happen to you, complications wise, he may be selfish. Until you sit down and discuss it properly, you both will never find out and may either miss out on support, or need to find new partners who are more suited to both your needs. One thing that will guarantee failure in any relationship is lack of communication. Sit down, talk and get help if necessary!

 

[ablackman11a]

Hello Everyone. I am hoping for some advice/hear others experiences with unsupportive spouses and how they handle it. My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way. Ever since I was diagnosed (5 years ago at age 20), I’ve had a lot of ups and downs that coincide with my blood sugars. When I am low, I get irritable and when I am high I get very sleepy and that can also make me cranky. I also went through a period of depression after first being diagnosed.

Despite the fact that I was going through all that and wanted to be close to family, my friends and my doctors, he asked me to move 10 hours away from my home for his job and did not accept no for an answer. He kept pushing until I said yes. We have since moved back because I couldn’t stand being so far away from my support system so he has at least done that. I think he knew our marriage would fail if we stayed and wanted to fix it.

But his response to my negative emotions is always anger. When I’m frustrated because I can’t get my blood sugar to go down and I don’t know why and I just want to complain or I’m frustrated at trying to understand how to manage this disease and feeling like I am failing, he just gets angry with me. He snaps at me and basically tells me I need to calm down and deal with it. I get it that I need to do those things, but he doesn’t approach the conversations with compassion. I just want someone to talk to and someone to help me emotionally cope or be a sounding board, and I would love that to be him, but I just don’t think he can fit that role. I try to be positive as often as I can. I truly do, but sometimes things just make me sad or angry. Is that okay or am I expecting too much?

When I was first diagnosed he even apologized to our friends for me having to inject myself. I once gave myself a shot at dinner (before I had my pump) and tried to do it discreetly below the table. He apologized to our friends and said “I hope needles don’t bother you”. I never did that again and went to the bathroom instead but it was difficult to feel like I couldn’t openly manage my disease in public.

He also has an annoying habit of refusing to slow down when I go low. We are active and when we are hiking or out walking about and I go low, he gets so frustrated with me. He blames my management techniques and tells me I should have done things differently so it wouldn’t happen. I try to keep going even though I’m low so we don’t have to stop, but that typically means we would have to walk VERY slowly, and I am fine with that but he is not. He just speeds ahead or tries to push the pace and then I end up walking by myself until my sugars are high enough for me to catch up to him.

Additionally, my CGM alarms constantly get on his nerves. I tend to sleep through them especially when I am high (because as I said earlier it makes me more sleepy). My pump will only vibrate for so long before it starts trilling (admittedly very annoyingly), and I wish I could just wake up when it goes off, but I don’t. The other night, he was in the living room watching t.v and I was sleeping. All of a sudden he came barging into the bedroom and said, “you need to make that thing shut up!!”. No, honey are you okay? Your pump keeps going off. No, oh my god, is my wife okay? What if she is passed out due to low blood sugar? It was just immediate anger.

I feel like my disease is a burden to him. I don’t ask much from him. I rarely ask him to bring me snacks when I am low or try to make accommodations for me unless it is absolutely necessary because I know how upsetting it is to him. When I’m around my family they get concerned when my pump makes any noise at all and my husband always laughs it off and says why are you so concerned? She just deals with it. The truth is that I just deal with it on my own because he doesn’t react well when I ask for any type of help and so I make sure I am not a burden as best as I can. But I can’t sustain this forever....

I currently do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He works weird hours from about 12-9 every day and most weekends as a swim coach. What am I going to do when we have kids? Moms out there- how do you manage this disease and your kiddos with minimal to no support from your husband? I’m already almost completely alone.... how do I do this while trying to raise our family? I’m not pregnant yet but he wants to start having kids soon.

We’ve been together for 10 years... we got together in high school and he was the sweetest guy. I never imagined our life together would ever look like this and that all his compassion towards me would evaporate. He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me. I don’t want to leave him, but I just want a man who supports me and this disease. Did anyone meet their SO after diagnosis and have better luck?

Now I’m having issues with a new pump I switched to and the CGM malfunctioning. These next four years are daunting to me based on the last few weeks experiences I’ve had with the pump. When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment. I just don’t think I can come to him with any concerns. His beliefs/thoughts/opinions are more important than my feelings and what I am going through.

Starting to fall out of love with my husband over all this.... any help is appreciated. I don’t want to change him... I just want him to accept me with Type 1 Diabetes. How do I do that?

Sorry to hear this! But I also believe in TWO to tango. Try taking him out and have a "clearing" talk with him. Rules are no shouting. Get back to a position of love. Ask him! What does he feel? In his corner - he does work funny hours, so might need his sleep! If he loses his job, are you going to go out and work for the both of you? So........ He is not only for himself. YOU are being considered. Do you still like each other or have you settled for mundane and boring? Allowing him time on his own, its not giving him time, its pushing him away. Fancying someone is a two way street. If you need help from him you must enroll him. Help him see what he needs a wife for! He still will need his wife to be around. Right now I think you are not showing him this. Good luck.

 

[mentat]

I think it would be presumptuous to say he does not love you or care about your health and wellbeing. But he is acting like it. This is probably because he does care and is angry at how badly the disease is affecting you. With anger like that, it is easy to funnel it into blame and resentment.

Perhaps he does not realise that this disease isn't just difficult, but a nightmare to manage. "Type 1 is like looking after a baby that never stops crying."

Perhaps he has not accepted that this is going to be an unpleasant intrusion in your lives for the foreseeable future. He probably hates that the disease is a burden on you but blames you for letting it become one, because he somehow sees it as an option for the disease to not be a burden. It is a burden. It will be a burden.

Perhaps he does not realise that telling someone to calm down during a hypo or extra-high is like telling someone having a heart attack to calm down. People having heart attacks aren't agitated because they're upset about how much fat they've been eating. They're agitated because they're in extreme pain and their body is flooding them with agitating hormones to try to keep them alive. It can be hard to wrap your head around this if you've never experienced it.

The way he treats you when you are having a hypo is abusive. It is a medical emergency with serious health risks including death.

If he does not realise these things (don't assume that he does), someone needs to explain them to him. You have probably tried. If that has not succeeded, write him a letter, or ask someone else to talk to him on your behalf. If he is aware of these things but ignores them, you must make it impossible for him to ignore. Consider spending a few weeks with a relative. Or tell him point blank that you can't live with him any longer if he is unwilling to work towards a healthier attitude to your disease. (He doesn't have to change overnight, but he needs to see there is a major problem.)

In my opinion, do not go walking with him until you believe he will put your health and wellbeing first. Hypos are not something to shrug off. The more time you spend low, the more the cells in your brain die. Thanks to hypos I now have epilepsy.

If he is not willing to see a counsellor you should see one yourself. They can help you find constructive ways to communicate with your husband.

Best of luck.