Denial help

[KrystleL]

I do not have diabetes. I'm posting this because I need advice for my 54 year old mother who has it. I am at a loss and desperate for suggestions that might finally help her. Please bear with me; it's long.

Although she's diabetic, her blood sugar count and blood pressure are normal. I'm not too sure of the level and/or the type of diabetes that she has either. A few months ago, she started noticing a weakness in her nerves in her left leg. She walked with a slight limp soon after, and she said she noticed a slight weakness in her left hand too, but other than that, all was still okay.

Long story short, she fell on her butt one day, and the next day she was out on her feet all day as she had things to be done. After that was when it started to go downhill. She couldn't get up from the chair on her own, and had to have someone support her when she walked. She was literally dragging her left foot. Then last month, she fell again and now she has a fractured ankle. Her right leg isn't very strong either so now she literally can't stand, no less walk.
We've gone to the doctors and they've confirmed that none of her bones were affected from either of the fall (besides her fractured ankle) and she will be able to walk again, but that she needs to be diligent in exercising her muscles and strengthening them; because it's all on her and there's only so much we can do to help.

My problem is that, as much as I love my mum, she loves to play the pity party. She just sits and goes on her laptop, and her excuse for not doing her strengthening exercises is that 'none of us are around most of the time to watch over her' (when my dad is often downstairs with her doing his work; all she has to do is ask, even for a few minutes). She doesn't try and do the exercises recommended by the people at the Physio, and she always has one excuse after another. She complains of her condition to anyone who would listen, but never tries to improve her it. If she tries something ONCE and it doesn't work, she refuses to keep trying, and instead just says she cannot do it and gives up.

WE UNDERSTAND THAT SHE'S FRUSTRATED. WE UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S NOT EASY.

When my dad and I suggest something and she can't do it, she gets frustrated and wails that it's easy for us to say; that we don't know how she feels. A few days ago she even yelled at my dad and me, saying she wish that we would have her condition so we knew how it felt. It breaks my heart because my dad has been helping her so much, but all she seems to care about is the fact that the whole thing is so 'inconvenient' for her.
My main worry though, is that I will be moving to the UK soon. My dad has been doing all the lifting, from the chair to the makeshift bed to clean her up, to the car and to the hospital etc. My dad is the only one strong enough to lift her, but he's 57. My sister has a contract with her job in a different state currently, so she isn't able to move back here at the moment. My dad will have to handle my mother all by himself when I leave and I'm worried sick as he's also started to have slight knee and back pains.

I'm hoping you guys can advice me on how to handle this thing with my mother; to wake her up and get her to start actually working to get better. Since she claims that we don't understand her condition (as neither of us has diabetes), I'm hoping someone who has experience with this can offer some advice.

Sorry for the long post.

 

[HSSS]

I’m so sorry for your families situation and understand your concerns. Obviously not knowing your family these suggestions could be way off mark. But these thoughts popped into my mind as I read

• You can’t do it for her
• Could she be depressed? Lack of motivation to do things we know will help us is massively part of depression
• Can your dad be taught how to lift and move her in safe ways to protect his health
• Would some tough love help? Telling her how much stress it is causing you and her husband that she won’t even try
• Ask her about her diabetes. Find out what type and how she maintains normal levels and what she finds hard about it. She say she you don’t understand. Demonstrate you want to. Engage with her over it. She may respond in kind
• Has she been check for neuropathy? Or even a mild stroke?
• Would she join this forum for support and not to feel so isolated in her condition?

 

[KrystleL]

I’m so sorry for your families situation and understand your concerns. Obviously not knowing your family these suggestions could be way off mark. But these thoughts popped into my mind as I read

• You can’t do it for her
• Could she be depressed? Lack of motivation to do things we know will help us is massively part of depression
• Can your dad be taught how to lift and move her in safe ways to protect his health
• Would some tough love help? Telling her how much stress it is causing you and her husband that she won’t even try
• Ask her about her diabetes. Find out what type and how she maintains normal levels and what she finds hard about it. She say she you don’t understand. Demonstrate you want to. Engage with her over it. She may respond in kind
• Has she been check for neuropathy? Or even a mild stroke?
• Would she join this forum for support and not to feel so isolated in her condition?

Thanks for your suggestions HSSS. I don't think she's depressed (then again I may be wrong, but knowing her...) she has always been like that, loves to play the victim I mean.
As far as I'm aware, he's doing it in the way that would cause him the least discomfort.
I did try some tough love on her, but all she did was bring it all back to how she was the one at a disadvantage etc.
She does take medication for it, but she herself doesn't know what type it is; she just knows she has diabetes.
I've sat down with her several times and spoke gently to her about it, and offered alternatives and suggestions, but it always goes back to us not understanding her and her getting worked up that I 'keep talking about it', so I've cut down on that.
As far as the doctors have mentioned, they did not say anything about neuropathy, but do you think taking b12 help improve the nerve weakness?
She has a bit of a selective input if you will, so even if she joins, she will pick the ones easiest for her to do. Haha. Also, I forgot to mention that she's relying completely on medicine to get her better.

 

[DavidGrahamJones]

Although she's diabetic, her blood sugar count and blood pressure are normal. I'm not too sure of the level and/or the type of diabetes that she has either.

Welcome to the forum, if only we had all the answers. This is a difficult one because there are more questions than answers. Hopefully I won't say anything horrible, it's not intended, it's more tough love that you refer to.

It would be an excellent idea for her to take more of an interest in her condition. It doesn't make your situation any easier that she doesn't even know what type of diabetes she has. Diabetes can be a pain in the butt, if you let it. You have to talk about it. I think your mum needs a mantra. I must stop being a victim.

She couldn't get up from the chair on her own, and had to have someone support her when she walked.

Does she take a statin? I think the cause has to be identified.

I forgot to mention that she's relying completely on medicine to get her better.

That's a problem. There is no magic pill. If she is type II, there is plenty she can do to help her condition and put her in charge of her health rather than leave it to medics prescribing drugs.

My dad has been doing all the lifting, from the chair to the makeshift bed to clean her up, to the car and to the hospital etc. My dad is the only one strong enough to lift her, but he's 57.

I'm glad you said " . . . . but he's 57", you recognise that the older one gets the more difficult physical work becomes. It's not so much being weak, just getting old. What happens when he can't do that?

The fact that your mum doesn't like discussing her health might indicate that she's in denial, how long ago was she diagnosed? I think you have to get her to at least find out what type of diabetes she has, it's not a death sentence unless she wants it to be. The next step would be to find out what meds she's taking, probably more tricky because I know my 91 year old is very secretive about his health, until he needs to be hospitalised.
All the best.

 

[KrystleL]

Welcome to the forum, if only we had all the answers.

Thanks for the welcome David! =)

Does she take a statin? I think the cause has to be identified.

I don't think she takes statin, but I'll check with her and see.

That's a problem. There is no magic pill. If she is type II, there is plenty she can do to help her condition and put her in charge of her health rather than leave it to medics prescribing drugs.

Exactly! in fact she already got confirmation from the doctor that it can be cured; just diligently do her exercises to strengthen her muscles.

The fact that your mum doesn't like discussing her health might indicate that she's in denial, how long ago was she diagnosed.

She was diagnosed about 3-4 years ago, and she's been on medication since then. There has been no trouble until this year.

 

[NicoleC1971]

I am getting the picture that your mum likes to be the helpless one and that to some extent you've colluded or possibly that your dad, being the main carer, has done so out of love or just for an easier life. Either way he is too young at 57 to be risking his health. I really feel for your frustration and your need to sort this out before you emigrate.
You can't make her do anyting nor stand over her night and day to ensure she complies but you could 'shape the path' a little by not doing anything for her that she can do herself.
If she can get up to her feet from sitting then she should not be helped.
If she can fetch things from over the other side of the room or upstairs then she should (eventually).
If some errand needs running can she walk to do it or at least get halfway there?
As she ages your mum needs more muscle to help keep her diabetes at bay and help her with balance and general activities of daily living hence my comments that she could keep doing what she can.
I appreciate at the moment she has either lost heart and/or muscle so these movements seem like a mountain to climb so I'd start with asking her what small things she is willing to start doing for herself and then building from there. You need to discuss what she CAN'T do versus what she WON'T do (Can't Lives on Won't Street!).
NEUROPATHY
The thing causing her disability may well be related to taking the pills without realising that those pills do not stop nerve damage from diabetes; remember her diabetes may have been going on for some years prior to diagnosis.
But if she does improve her diet this will help limit further damage and falls.
A diet high in proteins and fats with much less foods that turn to glucose (starch, sugar foods and drinks) will help her manage her blood glucose in a healthier way.
As to how feasible it is to change her diet if she is in charge of the household, i don't know!
Eating plenty of antixoxidants can help and if she is being treated with metformin (generic name is biguamide I think) then she may well be B12 deficient and need an injection to top her up.
A good book for treatment of neuropathy is Lester Parker's Antioxidant Miracle (vits C, E and Alpha Lipoeic Acid are recommended). Taking those vitamins can't harm her though with the exception of the latter, these vitamins are better consumed in green vegetables, almonds, pumpkin (fresh not canned).

 

[KrystleL]

Hi Nicole, I'm glad I'm not the only one thinking that way! haha.

I am getting the picture that your mum likes to be the helpless one

You are spot on on that one! She likes people to sympathize over her, to tell her that she really has it bad. It sort of solidifies and affirms her belief that it is just that bad and, most importantly, that it's not her fault.

Unfortunately she can't even stand at the moment. I don't mind running errands for her as it gets me out of the house and in an air-conditioned car (as it can get pretty hot in Malaysia!). And yeah, that's what I do too. If I see her trying to reach for something, I'll pretend I don't see her at it for a while, and see if she can manage to do it on her own. And we (my dad and I) know that my mum can feel down sometimes and frustrated, so we've been trying to lift her spirits up by joking with her and trying to make her laugh.

Thanks a lot for the recommendation! I'll see if I can find that book.

 

[DavidGrahamJones]

Unfortunately she can't even stand at the moment.

I have two close friends, both 70 years old and both have recently had extensive corrective ankle surgery. It didn't stop either of them getting up and moving about.

. . . . just diligently do her exercises to strengthen her muscles.

That's just one thing, it will obviously help with the walking problem, but to help with the diabetes dietary changes would go a long way if not doing so already. Something a lot of UK GPs (thankfully not all) will nor discuss beyond following guidelines which are just plain wrong for type II diabetics. I think I'm right in saying that Malaysian guidelines are similar.We are not taught to disagree with doctors, but there comes a time when we must. Had I not taken the steps I took 5 years ago, and going against the doctors advice to keep eating carbs, I'd be taking more and more medication, struggling with a weight problem (not to be confused with an eating problem) and basically becoming more and more ill.

High blood glucose is what leads to things like:

• increased thirst and a dry mouth
• needing to pee frequently
• tiredness
• Peripheral neuropathy, a result of damage to your peripheral nerves, often causing weakness, numbness and pain, usually in your hands and feet.
• Narrowing of the arteries
  
• blurred vision
• unintentional weight loss
• recurrent infections, such as thrush, bladder infections (cystitis) and skin infections
• tummy pain
• feeling or being sick
• breath that smells fruity

Best to take small steps though. She must find out exactly what diabetes she has and know what medication she's taking.

 

[KrystleL]

I have two close friends, both 70 years old and both have recently had extensive corrective ankle surgery. It didn't stop either of them getting up and moving about.

Woohoo at least I've got one on her now haha.

So far the only thing that seems to apply to her is peripheral neuropathy. Thanks for your advice! =)

 

[Jaylee]

Hi @KrystleL ,

Welcome to the forum.

You know your mum better than anyone of us here & I understand your concern for your dad too..
Though I wouldn't dissagree with what has been said so far in response.

I have two questions did this all escalate with your mum about the time she was informed of your move to the UK?

If you get a chance to check out what medication your mum is prescribed, it would help understand what's happening? (Maybe an air con drive to the chemist to pick up your mum's next prescription would give you an idea...?)

Good luck with your move. & (where's my manors.) welcome to the UK.

 

[KrystleL]

Aww thanks for the welcome Jaylee! =)

No, she's always been like that, ever since I could remember haha. You're right, I think I'll go have a look at her prescription to give you guys a better idea about her condition.

Thanks so much for the warm welcome!

 

[Jaylee]

Aww thanks for the welcome Jaylee! =)

No, she's always been like that, ever since I could remember haha. You're right, I think I'll go have a look at her prescription to give you guys a better idea about her condition.

Thanks so much for the warm welcome!

Hey! I'm only 4 years younger than your mum. Lol your dad is only a year younger than my wife. I wouldn't expect her to lift me out of a chair..

What took you so long to decide to leave home? Good luck & make your dad proud!

 

[luceeloo]

I don't think she's depressed (then again I may be wrong, but knowing her...) she has always been like that, loves to play the victim I mean.

I know that you say that you don't think that she's depressed, but could she be suffering from some degree of anxiety? Not wanting to help ones-self is often linked to feelings of anxiety regarding confronting the reality about a situation. To her, the diabetes and health issues may seem so huge that she can't face them head-on. Anxiety alone can be absolutely disabling and confrontation can sometimes make the person bury their head deeper and deeper in the sand.
She definitely does need more help - both with understanding her medical conditions, and also with getting herself back into the type of life that a 54 year old should be living. However, I think that this is probably something that is very difficult for family members to assist with. She really needs professional help from her doctor.

 

[Lynne C J]

Welcome to the forum, if only we had all the answers. This is a difficult one because there are more questions than answers. Hopefully I won't say anything horrible, it's not intended, it's more tough love that you refer to.
Good luck, I'm sorry for the situation you're all in with your Mum but at the end of the day you cannot do it for her! Not even to know which type of diabetes she has shows a complete lack of interest in helping herself.
Can the diabetes nurse at her surgery talk to your Mum, that way you're not the ones nagging her?
Unfortunately with diabetes it's down to helping yourself with diet, exercise and generally dealing with your life!
Good but luck!


It would be an excellent idea for her to take more of an interest in her condition. It doesn't make your situation any easier that she doesn't even know what type of diabetes she has. Diabetes can be a pain in the butt, if you let it. You have to talk about it. I think your mum needs a mantra. I must stop being a victim.



Does she take a statin? I think the cause has to be identified.



That's a problem. There is no magic pill. If she is type II, there is plenty she can do to help her condition and put her in charge of her health rather than leave it to medics prescribing drugs.



I'm glad you said " . . . . but he's 57", you recognise that the older one gets the more difficult physical work becomes. It's not so much being weak, just getting old. What happens when he can't do that?

The fact that your mum doesn't like discussing her health might indicate that she's in denial, how long ago was she diagnosed? I think you have to get her to at least find out what type of diabetes she has, it's not a death sentence unless she wants it to be. The next step would be to find out what meds she's taking, probably more tricky because I know my 91 year old is very secretive about his health, until he needs to be hospitalised.
All the best.

 

[RAPS_od]

I haven't read through all the replies, so please forgive me if someone has already mentioned this.
Getting through denial is HARD. The biggest issue is that it's HER denial and she has to come to grips with it before it goes away.
I once had a doctor who, when my neuropathy first started, told me that he'd really like to see my blood sugar go down. Nothing new, right? He then added that it would help my neuropathy, if I could do it. I told him how hard it is to stay in range, no matter how much I try. He said, "I know. Type 1s have it so much harder than people know. If we can get your sugar down, we can take one more thing off that heavy plate you're carrying."
For me, it was the first time someone recognized how hard things are. Tough love is fine, but it gives her a wall to press against. Try acknowledging her struggle, because she definitely is struggling. Let her know you may not be there the next time and that you worry because you love her. Ask her what her solution looks like.
I have to say, it may not work. Getting through denial is HARD, but it is worth a try. Sometimes, just acknowledging someone's struggling and letting them work from a point of acceptance can make a difference.
I wish you and your mom the best.

 

[KrystleL]

I haven't read through all the replies, so please forgive me if someone has already mentioned this.
Getting through denial is HARD. The biggest issue is that it's HER denial and she has to come to grips with it before it goes away.
I once had a doctor who, when my neuropathy first started, told me that he'd really like to see my blood sugar go down. Nothing new, right? He then added that it would help my neuropathy, if I could do it. I told him how hard it is to stay in range, no matter how much I try. He said, "I know. Type 1s have it so much harder than people know. If we can get your sugar down, we can take one more thing off that heavy plate you're carrying."
For me, it was the first time someone recognized how hard things are. Tough love is fine, but it gives her a wall to press against. Try acknowledging her struggle, because she definitely is struggling. Let her know you may not be there the next time and that you worry because you love her. Ask her what her solution looks like.
I have to say, it may not work. Getting through denial is HARD, but it is worth a try. Sometimes, just acknowledging someone's struggling and letting them work from a point of acceptance can make a difference.
I wish you and your mom the best.

Hi! =)

Oh trust me, we know it's not hard and we have told her so. Whenever we speak about the subject, we make sure we speak gently to her and check the tone of our voice when we speak too as she can become sensitive to the tone of our voices (she may think we're being harsh when we're not etc ). I told her a few times that we understand how hard and frustrating it is for her, but that she has to at least try. That's all we ask of her for now, until she gets stronger.

Thanks for the advice! =)

 

[gillytee31]

I probably sound a bit critical of your mother but I have to say I wish I was as healthy as your mother. I had polio when I was 4 and have had difficulty walking since. I have at least 11 other medically diagnosed conditions, including type 2 diabetes which is controlled with insulin and spent quite a lot of time on the hospital BUT I think life is too short to feel sorry for yourself. Despite my problems, I gained BA in social Policy, and BSc in disability issues, plus 2 post-graduate diplomas, and worked until I was 62. I recently broke my already paralysed left leg (I fell off the toilet when i was using it at night without my brace on!!) and was a wheelchair user for a few months. It did stop me doing a few things because I could not get out of the house, but because I try to be positive I did gave plenty of visitors. Your mum really needs to meet and have contact with people who are less able than her so that she can realise that any medical condition does not have to define you unless you choose to let it. No, you may not have her problems, but there will be some who do. She needs to meet people to whom she cannot say you do not know how I feel.
Sorry this is a rant, but it does make me cross when people give up on life when their problems are much less than mine.

 

[Antechinus]

Hi, I don't wish to panic you and would point out that diagnosing anything on a web forum is monstrously stupid. BUT if this lady walked into my clinic and told me this story; alarm bells would ring and red flags would be raised. Progressive muscle weakness is a serious problem that needs immediate investigation for cause. There are numerous mediacl conditions that happily coexist with diabetes and must be diagnosed before assuming diabetic neuropathy, especially if her blood glucose is stable. I think you need to get her to a doctor and highlight the degree of weakness she is experiencing, as you have explained here. I would suggest further referral to neurologist (as diagnoses of many conditions that cause progressive muscle weakness are a medical specialty) for a proper diagnosis of the cause for her muscle weakness, it is important that you are certain the weakness is not caused by something medical.