Hey all,
This is my first post on the forum and I guess I'd like to just describe my situation and see if there is anyone here who can relate to it. I feel that my case is very extreme and I'm almost embarrassed about how poorly I've handled my diabetes.
I'm a 19 year old living by myself in the United States. I was diagnosed in 2nd grade and, from then until 5th grade, had someone treating my diabetes and lived with good numbers (80-120).
In late middle school (maybe 13-14) I had a lot of bad experiences and terrible anxieties associated with diabetes. My parent would lock the kitchen with locks to stop me from eating to raise my blood sugar from a fear that I would go low. My blood sugar was in the range of 400 consistently and I felt the most comfortable when I was at that range.
I went to diabetic camps and would sneak food because I was terrified of going low. I was admitted to the hospital and the doctors caught me sneaking out to steal food because I was afraid I would be low.
This was all 4-5 years ago. When I got into high school, most of my fears seemed to really fade away but I was left with no real objective in managing the disease. I didn't care what my blood sugar was. I kept it around 300-400 all of the time.
I've graduated high school and work as a cyber security consultant and still struggle to keep my numbers anywhere in the range of normal.
My day will start - I will get up (my blood sugar is always fine in the morning, even if I go to sleep at 300-400) - I will eat, not really care about treating, then work on my computer. I'll pay enough attention to lower it if it gets to 300-400 and give myself insulin, but keep doing things throughout my day. I get anxious at night and feel that I'll drop low in my sleep if I fall asleep at regular numbers.
I feel terrible, it seems, always.
I just never seem to ever have the commitment to a long term battle with keeping my blood sugars normal. Sometimes they'll be normal - 150, 200 - and I feel fantastic! But I just can never commit to managing it.
I haven't ever had a real conversation with my doctor. It's the same thing every time. "Your numbers are horrible! You need to start working on this! This is bad!" and I feel terrible going into the doctors. I feel incredibly uncomfortable every time and I'll sometimes skip meetings because I don't want to get lectured.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar?
I feel that most of these issues almost seem beyond diabetes. I've always felt I've had terrible anxiety problems. It's always so hard to tell whether something is my diabetes or my anxiety.
I really want to change, but I don't have any confidence I can keep up this long term battle. I'll sometimes just consider not doing anything and eventually just letting myself go.
Sorry if this is the wrong place.
Just looking for some resource or link to another diabetic. I feel very isolated and it seems like this is my own individual battle. I feel that this case just falls outside the scope of anything I've ever seen and I have trouble communicating it.
Thank you so much,
Sam
This is my first post on the forum and I guess I'd like to just describe my situation and see if there is anyone here who can relate to it. I feel that my case is very extreme and I'm almost embarrassed about how poorly I've handled my diabetes.
I'm a 19 year old living by myself in the United States. I was diagnosed in 2nd grade and, from then until 5th grade, had someone treating my diabetes and lived with good numbers (80-120).
In late middle school (maybe 13-14) I had a lot of bad experiences and terrible anxieties associated with diabetes. My parent would lock the kitchen with locks to stop me from eating to raise my blood sugar from a fear that I would go low. My blood sugar was in the range of 400 consistently and I felt the most comfortable when I was at that range.
I went to diabetic camps and would sneak food because I was terrified of going low. I was admitted to the hospital and the doctors caught me sneaking out to steal food because I was afraid I would be low.
This was all 4-5 years ago. When I got into high school, most of my fears seemed to really fade away but I was left with no real objective in managing the disease. I didn't care what my blood sugar was. I kept it around 300-400 all of the time.
I've graduated high school and work as a cyber security consultant and still struggle to keep my numbers anywhere in the range of normal.
My day will start - I will get up (my blood sugar is always fine in the morning, even if I go to sleep at 300-400) - I will eat, not really care about treating, then work on my computer. I'll pay enough attention to lower it if it gets to 300-400 and give myself insulin, but keep doing things throughout my day. I get anxious at night and feel that I'll drop low in my sleep if I fall asleep at regular numbers.
I feel terrible, it seems, always.
I just never seem to ever have the commitment to a long term battle with keeping my blood sugars normal. Sometimes they'll be normal - 150, 200 - and I feel fantastic! But I just can never commit to managing it.
I haven't ever had a real conversation with my doctor. It's the same thing every time. "Your numbers are horrible! You need to start working on this! This is bad!" and I feel terrible going into the doctors. I feel incredibly uncomfortable every time and I'll sometimes skip meetings because I don't want to get lectured.
Has anyone dealt with anything similar?
I feel that most of these issues almost seem beyond diabetes. I've always felt I've had terrible anxiety problems. It's always so hard to tell whether something is my diabetes or my anxiety.
I really want to change, but I don't have any confidence I can keep up this long term battle. I'll sometimes just consider not doing anything and eventually just letting myself go.
Sorry if this is the wrong place.
Just looking for some resource or link to another diabetic. I feel very isolated and it seems like this is my own individual battle. I feel that this case just falls outside the scope of anything I've ever seen and I have trouble communicating it.
Thank you so much,
Sam
