Type 2 Ok so how would you deal with this?

[Flora123]

Rough background. MIL thinks statins are the best thing since sliced bread for FIL. She follows her GP blindly because ”she is such a good doctor”. Read that as she listens to her not due her medical knowledge

Anyway. She has criticised the foods I feed our family. Nowfor those that have seen my previous posts I was a real food plant based diet kind of girl but was then diagnosed with the big D. (She doesn’t know this). Reduced my Hba1c from 112 to 36 in the three months to the next test with LCHF and back to meat.

She thinks that I’m being a bad wife and not looking after my husband (her son and my interpretation of what she’s said) because I do low carb. She thinks porridge lots of fruit and bread is the best diet ever and constantly makes snide remarks about the semi skimmed milk I had and the roast chicken I served (with salad) that it was high fat. She’s obsessed with fat statins and cholesterol but can’t tell me her or my FIL’s cholesterol breakdown.

While I would just love to let it go, I can’t cope with the fact she clearly thinks I’m a bad wife and doesn’t approve of the diet we are eating. She presented my children with lots of sweets and didn’t seem to approve of the fact my husband has lost a stone and now at ideal weight. She says he looks tired and unwell.... he looks hot IMO!!

She is living in the dark ages with her low fat thinking and the fact the nurse says (lets all bow down and pray because a nurse says it) that Benecol is really good for her.

I could go on but I won’t bore you. Ahhhh!

I should add having started off rambling about her loving statins that he has all the classic side effects associated with them and is a shell of the man he was.

 

[Guzzler]

There's nothing that you can do for your FIL unless you take to using a sledgehammer but I personally would not allow an in law or even my own parent to decide what my children should be eating.
There are things that I am not happy about wrt to my own grandchildren's diet but they are my son's children not mine. All I can (and should) do is offer an opinion given in good grace and let my son and his wife decide.

 

[zand]

Unfortunately most people are living in the dark ages regarding statins and a healthy diet. It's natural to believe the advice given by HCPs. I think we all do...until that advice lets us down. I followed their advice to the letter until I realised it just wasn't working.

Add to this the fact that the lady in question is your MIL, and doing what many MILs do...criticising her DIL because who could possibly know what is right for her son better than her?...

Let it go, it's a fight you won't win. She thinks you're a bad wife? Well you KNOW she is and your FILs health is suffering because she won't listen to you. Keep this thought in your mind only, don't speak it out, least said soonest mended. If your hubby is concerned about his Dad speak to him about the statins and show him some of the links in bulkbiker's statin thread and let him tell his parents when they express concern about his Dad's muscle pains etc. Otherwise leave it alone, it's not worth the stress and anguish IMO.

 

[EllieM]

While I totally sympathise with you about your MIL there are some interesting points here.

1) Your husband should be backing you up and stopping your mother in law from criticising you. (It's his mother, it's your job if one of your parents is criticising him). If he agrees with her he should tell you so, not hide behind her comments. My mother got on really well with her MIL, but (because?) my father still jumped on his mother the one time she tried to criticise his wife's housekeeping.

2) You haven't told her you're T2, so she doesn't know why you're going low carb. Actually, I would tell her, as that is a good reason not to give your kids (too many/any?) sweets, as they may become carb intolerant also. (Though it also sounds like you were eating a healthy diet before diagnosis - it's just that it isn't healthy for people who can't process carbs properly.)

3) Statins. I'm so confused about statins. The medical profession seems wedded to them and there seems to be almost a religious debate as to whether they're good or not. Maybe best to leave well alone unless your husband wants to bring the subject up.

Lots of hugs. Have a vent to your husband.

 

[Tophat1900]

I tend to agree with @EllieM - just how you go about it is the tough part. You need your husband on board and you need his input so you are on the same page about how to deal with it. A united front is important in these matters, you shouldn't have to do it all yourself. It's a tough situation, but you shouldn't have to put up what reads as your MIL insulting you constantly. Not just how do things in your house, but also insulting your intelligence and you as a person. It needs to stop. Not just for you, but for everyone involved. Good luck, I hope things work out.

 

[DCUKMod]

@Flora123 - there strike me as likely being a few factors in play here.

Firstly, there may be a generational thing whereby your MiL is weeded to her GPs every word, on the basis that he's the professioanl and being paid to know these things. I certainly know the concept of questioning the Doc waqs alien to my mother.

To be clear on my position on this, I have a fantastic GP, who is very candid with me, and we have had many an adult conversation By adult conversation, I mean frank and sometimes offering up differing views, rather than adult themes,..... ahem. All of that said, where my GP suggests x, y or z, I scuttle off and do my own reading, to enhance my acceptance of the recommendation, and/or to form my own independent view on the matter. I have no always accepted my GP's recommendations (statins being a prime example).

Secondly, your MiL will likely dote on your husbands. Mothers and sons tend to have quite special relationships, and she may see the change in him as unwanted (by her), and moving away from her view of his "normal and healthy".

How many times have we seen someone whose physical appearance has changed and thought, "I hope they're OK, with all that weight loss(, change of hair colour or whatever), then next time we see them, we're less shocked by the change. You see your husband daily (I assume), but maybe your MiL sees him a bit less than that, so the changes in him may be more apparent than to you, who sees him constantly.

Finally, if your MiL has no real idea why you have changed your way of eating, she could be more likely to be putting it down to some sort of fad.

I know when I was recently diagnosed and changed my diet a bit, I post weight very quickly, even though I didn't have too much to go at. It just melted away. On the basis of the fast changes, some friends voiced concerns. They had no idea what I was doing, or why, so I should probably have been grateful they felt concerned enough to speak up. However, like you I didn't want to broadcast my T2 status.

That wasn't because I was ashamed or thought it was something to keep hidden, but quite simply because I was absolutely not interested in being attributed a label.

Shortly before my diagnosis, I had bumped into a neighbour in town who was telling me all her news. She then went on to say something about another neighbour I was unfamiliar with. On seeing the quizical look on my face, she responded,........ "You know X. She's the diabetic lady at No Y".

There was just no way on heaven or earth I ever wanted to be referred to as the diabetic lady, but it's what people do. They latch onto the thing that's different. Now, this lady was blonde, tall and slim, so she could have described her with any of those adjectives, but the least common factor was her diabetes. Even as a non-diagnosed person at that point, I swore I would not offer up labels for myself.

On diagnosis, when folks queried my trimming up, or indeed they noticed I wasn't eating chips, crisps or whatever, my simple response was that I had had some blood tests which showed my body wasn't handling those things so well, so I decided to give them up and see how I got along without them.

People were generally satisfied with that and moved swiftly on to snaffle theor own food, or carry the conversation on in a different direction or whatever.

I had told no lies, but I simply never offered up a label for the person to ascribe preconcieved ideas to. It has sttod me in good stead.

Maybe your MiL just doesn't understand that your lifestyle choices are choices, but influenced by something important to you. Do you think some straw man explanation might help her in this?

As fas as your FiL and his statins are concerned, I have found GPs very blase about their recommendations, and many are taking them themselves. When I discussed thepotential for side-effects with one (now retired GP), he told me he was taking a statin, and aside from the odd muscle pains he was just dandy, so side effects are just accepted as acceptable. Well, they were by him. My experience of other medics taking statins is very limited of course.

Flora, maybe a quiet chat with your MiL could come in handy, to just outline why you are doing as you are. How you couch it is up to you. On the other hand, she is an adult and will live her own life as she sees fit, just as you are; just the acceptable parameters differ?

For sure, it's not easy.

 

[Flora123]

Unfortunately most people are living in the dark ages regarding statins and a healthy diet. It's natural to believe the advice given by HCPs. I think we all do...until that advice lets us down. I followed their advice to the letter until I realised it just wasn't working.

Add to this the fact that the lady in question is your MIL, and doing what many MILs do...criticising her DIL because who could possibly know what is right for her son better than her?...

Let it go, it's a fight you won't win. She thinks you're a bad wife? Well you KNOW she is and your FILs health is suffering because she won't listen to you. Keep this thought in your mind only, don't speak it out, least said soonest mended. If your hubby is concerned about his Dad speak to him about the statins and show him some of the links in bulkbiker's statin thread and let him tell his parents when they express concern about his Dad's muscle pains etc. Otherwise leave it alone, it's not worth the stress and anguish IMO.

Thanks. I should have made it clearer in my rant that I’ve never criticised his use of statins merely showed my concern when she talks about his symptoms and I mentioned the possibility of it being caused by the statins. My husband wouldn’t bother getting involved as it’s just not worth it. My annoyance was the criticism of me and how I look after my family.

 

[Flora123]

While I totally sympathise with you about your MIL there are some interesting points here.

1) Your husband should be backing you up and stopping your mother in law from criticising you. (It's his mother, it's your job if one of your parents is criticising him). If he agrees with her he should tell you so, not hide behind her comments. My mother got on really well with her MIL, but (because?) my father still jumped on his mother the one time she tried to criticise his wife's housekeeping.

2) You haven't told her you're T2, so she doesn't know why you're going low carb. Actually, I would tell her, as that is a good reason not to give your kids (too many/any?) sweets, as they may become carb intolerant also. (Though it also sounds like you were eating a healthy diet before diagnosis - it's just that it isn't healthy for people who can't process carbs properly.)

3) Statins. I'm so confused about statins. The medical profession seems wedded to them and there seems to be almost a religious debate as to whether they're good or not. Maybe best to leave well alone unless your husband wants to bring the subject up.

Lots of hugs. Have a vent to your husband.

Thanks. My husband can’t back me up as he wasn’t present. She’s very clever and always says things when he’s not there. He is so worn down from his childhood that he just can’t be bothered to say anything if he did hear it. Although he would if I asked him to. Anything for an easy life. It would upset him if I told him everything she said!

I have thought about telling her but she has such deep set ideas about health that I’m not sure I could cope with it. She was horrid yesterday when diabetes was mentioned somewhere and went on to say how no one had diabetes “in her day” and how it was their fault for eating badly and not following a low fat diet. That confirmed my decision not to mention it. Fortunately I have followed low carb several times in the past to lose weight after giving birth so it’s not new to her and it’s is also popular at the moment fortunately. When I cook when they are over it is always a normal meal but I don’t have potatoes.

Re the statins. It was only mentioned could they be contributing to his condition (to put the thought in her mind) but she then gave me a lecture about how amazing they are blah blah blah. My poor FIL just does what he’s told but I certainly wasn’t criticising or lecturing her.

I can’t vent to my husband as he just says she nuts and doesn’t want to get involved, unless he absolutely has to. I just need to have a glass of wine and let her criticism of how I look after my son wash over me. Thanks x

 

[KK123]

Right then, my viewpoint is quite simple and I know it depends on your personality. IGNORE everything she says basically. Smile, say 'Well this is my way of doing things' and then move on. Don't get upset, don't argue the toss with her, just smile sweetly and ignore it all. There is little point getting your husband involved, he's been putting up with it since childhood. There is one thing guaranteed to keep a 'bully' going and that is to react to them. The only thing that would annoy me is her giving the children cr&p to eat but that's Grandparents for you. x

 

[Flora123]

@Flora123 - there strike me as likely being a few factors in play here.

Firstly, there may be a generational thing whereby your MiL is weeded to her GPs every word, on the basis that he's the professioanl and being paid to know these things. I certainly know the concept of questioning the Doc waqs alien to my mother.

To be clear on my position on this, I have a fantastic GP, who is very candid with me, and we have had many an adult conversation By adult conversation, I mean frank and sometimes offering up differing views, rather than adult themes,..... ahem. All of that said, where my GP suggests x, y or z, I scuttle off and do my own reading, to enhance my acceptance of the recommendation, and/or to form my own independent view on the matter. I have no always accepted my GP's recommendations (statins being a prime example).

Secondly, your MiL will likely dote on your husbands. Mothers and sons tend to have quite special relationships, and she may see the change in him as unwanted (by her), and moving away from her view of his "normal and healthy".

How many times have we seen someone whose physical appearance has changed and thought, "I hope they're OK, with all that weight loss(, change of hair colour or whatever), then next time we see them, we're less shocked by the change. You see your husband daily (I assume), but maybe your MiL sees him a bit less than that, so the changes in him may be more apparent than to you, who sees him constantly.

Finally, if your MiL has no real idea why you have changed your way of eating, she could be more likely to be putting it down to some sort of fad.

I know when I was recently diagnosed and changed my diet a bit, I post weight very quickly, even though I didn't have too much to go at. It just melted away. On the basis of the fast changes, some friends voiced concerns. They had no idea what I was doing, or why, so I should probably have been grateful they felt concerned enough to speak up. However, like you I didn't want to broadcast my T2 status.

That wasn't because I was ashamed or thought it was something to keep hidden, but quite simply because I was absolutely not interested in being attributed a label.

Shortly before my diagnosis, I had bumped into a neighbour in town who was telling me all her news. She then went on to say something about another neighbour I was unfamiliar with. On seeing the quizical look on my face, she responded,........ "You know X. She's the diabetic lady at No Y".

There was just no way on heaven or earth I ever wanted to be referred to as the diabetic lady, but it's what people do. They latch onto the thing that's different. Now, this lady was blonde, tall and slim, so she could have described her with any of those adjectives, but the least common factor was her diabetes. Even as a non-diagnosed person at that point, I swore I would not offer up labels for myself.

On diagnosis, when folks queried my trimming up, or indeed they noticed I wasn't eating chips, crisps or whatever, my simple response was that I had had some blood tests which showed my body wasn't handling those things so well, so I decided to give them up and see how I got along without them.

People were generally satisfied with that and moved swiftly on to snaffle theor own food, or carry the conversation on in a different direction or whatever.

I had told no lies, but I simply never offered up a label for the person to ascribe preconcieved ideas to. It has sttod me in good stead.

Maybe your MiL just doesn't understand that your lifestyle choices are choices, but influenced by something important to you. Do you think some straw man explanation might help her in this?

As fas as your FiL and his statins are concerned, I have found GPs very blase about their recommendations, and many are taking them themselves. When I discussed thepotential for side-effects with one (now retired GP), he told me he was taking a statin, and aside from the odd muscle pains he was just dandy, so side effects are just accepted as acceptable. Well, they were by him. My experience of other medics taking statins is very limited of course.

Flora, maybe a quiet chat with your MiL could come in handy, to just outline why you are doing as you are. How you couch it is up to you. On the other hand, she is an adult and will live her own life as she sees fit, just as you are; just the acceptable parameters differ?

For sure, it's not easy.

Thanks. Fortunately my husband doesn’t have a special bond with her. I probably wouldn’t still be married if he did! He doesn’t see them often so maybe his weight loss was a shock, although she did know about it.

I also don’t want to be labelled and she is always fussing over medical issues so we never tell her anything medical as we can’t stand the fuss.

It is hard as It’s hard to have a conversation with her. She is a control freak but not particularly well educated so some of her thoughts are not researched but that she “ feels” it.

 

[Flora123]

Right then, my viewpoint is quite simple and I know it depends on your personality. IGNORE everything she says basically. Smile, say 'Well this is my way of doing things' and then move on. Don't get upset, don't argue the toss with her, just smile sweetly and ignore it all. There is little point getting your husband involved, he's been putting up with it since childhood. There is one thing guaranteed to keep a 'bully' going and that is to react to them. The only thing that would annoy me is her giving the children cr&p to eat but that's Grandparents for you. x

Haha! Yes I think you’ve probably got that right. It is sometimes best to ignore and she won’t listen to reason as she is always right. Thanks. You sound like my sister! X

 

[HSSS]

If you’re happy to say your medical team support your way of eating (if they do, some do) to prevent you and your family succumbing to the diabetes (worsening is a type of succumbing) she feels is self inflicted in others then she can’t really argue. You’ll be doing exactly what she thinks you should, but your way.

You’ll be following medical advice as she believes you should and not self inflicting - in her opinion- illness so again doing as she advocates.

I’m sure she’ll find a way to criticise something still by the sounds of it. I’ve had similar issues with my mil. I state my case and move on now. I have plenty of opinions on her choices as a parent and wife too but do my best to keep them to myself.

 

[zand]

Thanks. I should have made it clearer in my rant that I’ve never criticised his use of statins merely showed my concern when she talks about his symptoms and I mentioned the possibility of it being caused by the statins. My husband wouldn’t bother getting involved as it’s just not worth it. My annoyance was the criticism of me and how I look after my family.

Yes I fully understand the annoyance. I too was criticized heavily by my MIL... The fact that my son had asthma was 'my fault' because i passed the gene onto him. If i hadn't done that then she would have been able to smoke in front of him! I shouldn't be going to bed as early as 10 pm! I shouldn't be testing my son on his times tables as they were too hard for a 6 year old...yes you've guessed it, it was his school homework to learn them. The list was endless and the criticism still hurts years later. The individual criticisms don't matter but it's the fact that she was continually finding fault with anything and everything. My husband should have done more to protect me

 

[Chook]

Your MIL sounds exactly like my first MIL. I got so frustrated with her feeding my daughter sweets / crisps and ignoring my polite requests not to do so that one day the words 'My daughter, my rules - do NOT give her those sweets' literally popped out of my mouth quite forcefully. I think up until that time she must have thought i was a pushover whereas i was actually trying to be tactfully polite in a difficult situation. It only took the one occasion of me putting my foot down fairly forcefully for her to back off and behave.

I agree though that your husband ought to be backing you up on this. Its not fair to leave it up to you to deal with his mother.

 

[Flora123]

Yes I fully understand the annoyance. I too was criticized heavily by my MIL... The fact that my son had asthma was 'my fault' because i passed the gene onto him. If i hadn't done that then she would have been able to smoke in front of him! I shouldn't be going to bed as early as 10 pm! I shouldn't be testing my son on his times tables as they were too hard for a 6 year old...yes you've guessed it, it was his school homework to learn them. The list was endless and the criticism still hurts years later. The individual criticisms don't matter but it's the fact that she was continually finding fault with anything and everything. My husband should have done more to protect me

Omg. You must have the patience of a saint!!

 

[Flora123]

Your MIL sounds exactly like my first MIL. I got so frustrated with her feeding my daughter sweets / crisps and ignoring my polite requests not to do so that one day the words 'My daughter, my rules - do NOT give her those sweets' literally popped out of my mouth quite forcefully. I think up until that time she must have thought i was a pushover whereas i was actually trying to be tactfully polite in a difficult situation. It only took the one occasion of me putting my foot down fairly forcefully for her to back off and behave.

I agree though that your husband ought to be backing you up on this. Its not fair to leave it up to you to deal with his mother.

The problem is that he doesn’t know the half of it. He has a lot going on so I don’t want to pile more on him. I will let him know if I have to.

 

[zand]

Omg. You must have the patience of a saint!!

No lol... I finally cracked at the tea table one day when MIL and FIL were making racist and anti semitic comments in front of my two young sons. I could nt have my children hearing such stuff and learning how to hate so I said that if they didn't stop we would be leaving. We finished the meal in silence. It was hubby's place to speak out but because he didn't I had to. I got on better with my MIL after that but things with my FIL got worse.

Now that I am a MIL myself I try so hard not to be critical of my DIL but we do sometimes have misunderstandings. These have been quickly sorted out though...so far.

 

[Guzzler]

Just as a late FYI Benecol had some of their adverts pulled for exaggerating the benefits of their products.
These 'healthier' spreads do not bear the slightest of scrutiny at times.

 

[welovedzig]

All Mr. Zig's family on his dad's side were diabetic. His grandad had black feet. His dad had to inject and test numerous times a day. MIL is amazed what I feed us on as 'they only had the option of bread and potatoes in those days' and probably didn't know any different anyway. His aunty died last year from a fatty stroke. She ate what she wanted and took loads of tablets. Some days I feel like crying by controlling my husband on diet only after he was diagnosed T2 and now is 'pre'. His uncle, not related was put on statins and never got out of his chair again because his legs were in so much pain. YOUR family is YOUR family.

 

[Flora123]

All Mr. Zig's family on his dad's side were diabetic. His grandad had black feet. His dad had to inject and test numerous times a day. MIL is amazed what I feed us on as 'they only had the option of bread and potatoes in those days' and probably didn't know any different anyway. His aunty died last year from a fatty stroke. She ate what she wanted and took loads of tablets. Some days I feel like crying by controlling my husband on diet only after he was diagnosed T2 and now is 'pre'. His uncle, not related was put on statins and never got out of his chair again because his legs were in so much pain. YOUR family is YOUR family.

Thank you x