Unsupportive Spouse

KK123

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3,967
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Is everyone else's partner suppotive/helpful? I was diagnosed 3 years ago, I'm female, now aged 39 with 2 girls who are now 10 & 8. I feel my husband doesn't give a **** and I'm in it alone.

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Hi Sunny. I read your post and although my first thought was to say dump him I realise of course that you have children and a family life so that is hardly an option. I wonder, what is your husband like generally, is he loving and supportive in all other aspects? I ask because sometimes this attitude of not seeming to 'give a ….' comes from an inability to acknowledge that you have a serious health condition, ie, a way of him not wanting to believe it and therefore refusing to accept it. My husband, who is a man of few words which is fine because I have enough for two of us, hardly EVER speaks about my condition, he tries when I speak about it to him and he is the most supportive and lovely person I have ever met, but he does not talk about it in any depth (which is fine by me) and I know that deep down he is horrified and upset by it all. He is the type that may not say much BUT he most certainly does care deeply. If your hubbie is a g*t then I sympathise but if on the other hand your Husband is generally a nice bloke in all other aspects, then it may be possible you have taken his attitude as indifference when it may be 'I can't talk about it or I will break down'. Can you tell us more? x
 
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SunnyD4494

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Hi Sunny. I read your post and although my first thought was to say dump him I realise of course that you have children and a family life so that is hardly an option. I wonder, what is your husband like generally, is he loving and supportive in all other aspects? I ask because sometimes this attitude of not seeming to 'give a ….' comes from an inability to acknowledge that you have a serious health condition, ie, a way of him not wanting to believe it and therefore refusing to accept it. My husband, who is a man of few words which is fine because I have enough for two of us, hardly EVER speaks about my condition, he tries when I speak about it to him and he is the most supportive and lovely person I have ever met, but he does not talk about it in any depth (which is fine by me) and I know that deep down he is horrified and upset by it all. He is the type that may not say much BUT he most certainly does care deeply. If your hubbie is a g*t then I sympathise but if on the other hand your Husband is generally a nice bloke in all other aspects, then it may be possible you have taken his 'I can't talk about it or I will break down', for indifference. Can you tell us more? x
Thank you KK. I do sometimes wonder whether life apart would be easier. We have been married for 12 1/2 years but the past 10years have been up and down for many reasons. I became a stay at home mum, so money was tight. My kids are my world and come 100% first, which again causes tension (often). I have worked part time for the past 5 years which isn't a great wage but means I do the same hours whilst the girls are at school and have all school holidays off. This again causes arguments as I should earn more. I do 99% of chores in the home, my husband has twice picked the kids up and once taken them to school. I feel like I'm a slave most days picking up after him (clothes, cups, sweet wrappers etc). By the time bedtime comes I'm exhausted and have little-no desire to make love.

He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it. When I go low he asks if I need to inject, despite me telling him a hundred times no need food. He doesn't get how urgent these situations are and leaves me to get on with it. (My eldest daughter thankfully is amazing and can assist).

I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.

On the plus side we do mostly enjoy each others company. Sorry for the long post and negativity.
 

KK123

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Thank you KK. I do sometimes wonder whether life apart would be easier. We have been married for 12 1/2 years but the past 10years have been up and down for many reasons. I became a stay at home mum, so money was tight. My kids are my world and come 100% first, which again causes tension (often). I have worked part time for the past 5 years which isn't a great wage but means I do the same hours whilst the girls are at school and have all school holidays off. This again causes arguments as I should earn more. I do 99% of chores in the home, my husband has twice picked the kids up and once taken them to school. I feel like I'm a slave most days picking up after him (clothes, cups, sweet wrappers etc). By the time bedtime comes I'm exhausted and have little-no desire to make love.

He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it. When I go low he asks if I need to inject, despite me telling him a hundred times no need food. He doesn't get how urgent these situations are and leaves me to get on with it. (My eldest daughter thankfully is amazing and can assist).

I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.

On the plus side we do mostly enjoy each others company. Sorry for the long post and negativity.

Ah. Well all the best to you Sunny, he really does need to understand your diabetes and take it seriously, it is not something to be treated lightly. It can be a life or death situation as you know and HE certainly needs to get his head out of the sand or he becomes yet another liability instead of a help. x
 

SunnyD4494

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I know, that's what hurts the most. I guess he either doesn't understand or he doesn't care. Either way I'm in it alone. Thank you for listening x
 

becca59

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@SunnyD4494 It must be very frustrating that you feel your spouse is un supportive with your diabetes. It must make things difficult. Marriage and relationships can be very hard, especially when children come along. I have been married 40 years this year and I too gave up work. It wasn’t until years later I realised how much pressure my husband had felt over finances, being the only wage earner. One thing I would say, though I know it might cause offence it is not meant to. You say you put your children 100% first and it causes tension. Perhaps he too feels unsupported. You both obviously need to put aside some time to talk rationally about how you both feel. Best wishes.
 

Notorious

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104
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Thank you KK. I do sometimes wonder whether life apart would be easier. We have been married for 12 1/2 years but the past 10years have been up and down for many reasons. I became a stay at home mum, so money was tight. My kids are my world and come 100% first, which again causes tension (often). I have worked part time for the past 5 years which isn't a great wage but means I do the same hours whilst the girls are at school and have all school holidays off. This again causes arguments as I should earn more. I do 99% of chores in the home, my husband has twice picked the kids up and once taken them to school. I feel like I'm a slave most days picking up after him (clothes, cups, sweet wrappers etc). By the time bedtime comes I'm exhausted and have little-no desire to make love.

He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it. When I go low he asks if I need to inject, despite me telling him a hundred times no need food. He doesn't get how urgent these situations are and leaves me to get on with it. (My eldest daughter thankfully is amazing and can assist).

I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.

On the plus side we do mostly enjoy each others company. Sorry for the long post and negativity.

I think the diabetes is a red herring. He's not very nice and if you were posting this on Mumsnet instead (for example), posters would be pointing out how he's taking you completely for granted. It might be that he has worries of his own but he's being really unkind, lazy and selfish.

Is it that you feel you have to stick it out because you don't have much of an income of your own? Have you had your self-esteem worn down by his verbal abuse? If you were to leave, he'd have to step up with the kids and housework on the days he had them or he'll be liable for a lot more in maintenance if he can't have them overnight.

Sorry you have to deal with this.
 
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lucylocket61

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I have worked part time for the past 5 years which isn't a great wage but means I do the same hours whilst the girls are at school and have all school holidays off. This again causes arguments as I should earn more. I do 99% of chores in the home, my husband has twice picked the kids up and once taken them to school. I feel like I'm a slave most days picking up after him (clothes, cups, sweet wrappers etc).
this is a red flag. Just this on its own. Please talk to someone about this.
 

SunnyD4494

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this is a red flag. Just this on its own. Please talk to someone about this.
I don't do as many hours as my husband therefore it's only fair I do more things in the home. I suppose I've just carried on doing everything whilst my hours increased (now do 32hrs, but only on just above minimum wage). Whilst my husband is a skilled worker but can do very long days 8-9pm sometimes.
 

Notorious

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32 hours is only just short of full time and you're running around after children. Doing more housework may be fair enough, but not having to pick up after another adult.

The red flag is the arguments and the verbal abuse, not doing more housework and childcare, plenty of couples split the work in that way.
 
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Mike d

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It all feeds into itself but I don't like the "pile on". @SunnyD4494 could do with informed advice, not drawn assumptions from some member messages assigning guilt.
 

ickihun

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It is helpful not to make assumptions. Both sides have to be taken into account.

My partner could easily be complaining of the same thing. I do very little compared to what I used to do.
We were supposed to hv gone shopping for liver shrinking diet foods yesterday but no he wanted to make a statement. (Mr ickihun's statements last a whole day and is repeated because of his illness). Its hard work!
My complaint is always that controlled conversation is far more helpful than hateful comments said in anger.
Avoid nagging.... its counter productive.

We all hv to get along. No relationship is perfect but never feel bad about your disability. My partner has more than me but its no competition.

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DCUKMod

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Reminder:

Ladies and gents, I just wanted to post a reminder that whilst you have logged into the forum to post and make your comments, the internet can be a very public arena. Anyone could stumble across any of these posts, some of which include some fairly personal information, depending upon the search criteria applied. Images as well as words can drive a search.

Thanks for reading.

 
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mentat

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He has occasionally shown an interest in my diabetes, but doesn't understand it.

This can be a reaction to feeling helpless. If one feels helpless they may flip between guilt, denial and anger. Information just flies past them. Doesn't sink in. This perpetuates the helplessness.

I'm thinking next time I'm at the clinic they could give me the leaflets so that he can read the information.

Personally I feel the best way would be to sit down and patiently talk it through with him. Draw sketches on paper, write numbers, draw arrows. "Show and tell" your pens and meter. Be patient and reassuring. I think has a better chance than the leaflets of cutting through the tension and insecurities. With any luck he will start asking questions and trying to clarify things. This is a sign that things are sinking in. It might help to make him feel needed, whether it's helping with lows, understanding highs, or just helping you feel less alone with it.

Please try to judge whether this is appropriate for you or not; no sense antagonising him for no reason.
 

Marie 2

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A loving relationship is possible and deserved and it sounds like you need some counseling with him to see if you can reach an acceptable path together. Because right now it's tearing you apart. Type 1 and all of it's issues will not go away.

My husband did not marry me when I had diabetes and while someone that doesn't have type 1 can never really truly understand what we go through, they can be supportive. My husband will get me my OJ if I ask, My husband will wake me up when my alarm goes off and I'm trying to ignore it. My husband will go into the market to buy me that OJ if I need it. My husband will ask lol if my sugar is dropping when I get irritable. Sure he will ignore the alarms most of the time, because he knows it is just alarms, and he has also been known to say again????? We both work around my type 1 when needed. He is not perfect, I'm not trying to say he is, but he knows I do not have a "choice" being a type 1 and that it is just part of life now.

It is never going to be perfect, you can just do the best you can and a loving partner will understand that.
 

Bluey1

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People who try and make Diabetes the centre of the party and poor me, I'm special because I have diabetes now everyone run around after me.
You don’t need to apologise for his appalling behaviour, do something about it now, you owe it to yourself, family and friends. Domestic Violence takes many forms. No form of Domestic Violence is acceptable.
 

Marie 2

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Just an added note. If you are having problems with a spouse accepting your diabetes and you want to have children. You really need to consider the fact that diabetes is often an inherited disease and your children could end up with it. If your spouse is not treating you well and helping you, if they are not dealing with it well, how are they going to deal with it if one of your kids has it? Think about the same behavior towards a child? Get counseling before you make that decision of having kids.
 
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Diakat

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Just an added note. If you are having problems with a spouse accepting your diabetes and you want to have children. You really need to consider the fact that diabetes is often an inherited disease and your children could end up with it. If your spouse is not treating you well and helping you, if they are not dealing with it well, how are they going to deal with it if one of your kids has it? Think about the same behavior towards a child? Get counseling before you make that decision of having kids.
While genes do play a part in developing diabetes, inheritance is not guaranteed.
 

Marie 2

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Inheritance is not guaranteed, it's just more common. My uncle had type 1, but my siblings and parents did not. None of the children do yet, I say yet because while they are older, I didn't develop mine until I was older but my uncle did when he was younger.

But I had run across several mother and daughters at type 1 meetings before I moved and on another forum there is someone who is type 1 and her 3 kids are all type 1. Talk about stressful.

I was just trying to make a point that if you have a un supportive husband and one that makes living with type 1 more difficult and hard, bringing a kid into that mix might not be a good idea, especially with a bad attitude towards diabetes, because you could end up with a kid with it too.
 

Eliz76

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Type of diabetes
Type 1
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Insulin
Sorry to hear you are struggling and sorry to hear you don’t feel supported. I have to say though that my diabetes is very rarely mentioned between my hubby and I. It’s my issue for me to deal with and I tend to live my life as if it’s not there most of the time. I don’t hide taking my insulin but I don’t think he has ever asked or even had a discussion about it or assisted me with a hypo in the past 10 years. On reading the reply’s to your post I do feel a bit sad that I don’t get the support but that’s life! I will say however as a mum of three young children it will get harder with pregnancy and kids so be prepared and make sure YOU are ready.
 

manion

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Type of diabetes
Prediabetes
Hello Everyone. I am hoping for some advice/hear others experiences with unsupportive spouses and how they handle it. My husband grew up in a home where emotions were suppressed and not acceptable. He is treating me the same way. Ever since I was diagnosed (5 years ago at age 20), I’ve had a lot of ups and downs that coincide with my blood sugars. When I am low, I get irritable and when I am high I get very sleepy and that can also make me cranky. I also went through a period of depression after first being diagnosed.

Despite the fact that I was going through all that and wanted to be close to family, my friends and my doctors, he asked me to move 10 hours away from my home for his job and did not accept no for an answer. He kept pushing until I said yes. We have since moved back because I couldn’t stand being so far away from my support system so he has at least done that. I think he knew our marriage would fail if we stayed and wanted to fix it.

But his response to my negative emotions is always anger. When I’m frustrated because I can’t get my blood sugar to go down and I don’t know why and I just want to complain or I’m frustrated at trying to understand how to manage this disease and feeling like I am failing, he just gets angry with me. He snaps at me and basically tells me I need to calm down and deal with it. I get it that I need to do those things, but he doesn’t approach the conversations with compassion. I just want someone to talk to and someone to help me emotionally cope or be a sounding board, and I would love that to be him, but I just don’t think he can fit that role. I try to be positive as often as I can. I truly do, but sometimes things just make me sad or angry. Is that okay or am I expecting too much?

When I was first diagnosed he even apologized to our friends for me having to inject myself. I once gave myself a shot at dinner (before I had my pump) and tried to do it discreetly below the table. He apologized to our friends and said “I hope needles don’t bother you”. I never did that again and went to the bathroom instead but it was difficult to feel like I couldn’t openly manage my disease in public.

He also has an annoying habit of refusing to slow down when I go low. We are active and when we are hiking or out walking about and I go low, he gets so frustrated with me. He blames my management techniques and tells me I should have done things differently so it wouldn’t happen. I try to keep going even though I’m low so we don’t have to stop, but that typically means we would have to walk VERY slowly, and I am fine with that but he is not. He just speeds ahead or tries to push the pace and then I end up walking by myself until my sugars are high enough for me to catch up to him.

Additionally, my CGM alarms constantly get on his nerves. I tend to sleep through them especially when I am high (because as I said earlier it makes me more sleepy). My pump will only vibrate for so long before it starts trilling (admittedly very annoyingly), and I wish I could just wake up when it goes off, but I don’t. The other night, he was in the living room watching t.v and I was sleeping. All of a sudden he came barging into the bedroom and said, “you need to make that thing shut up!!”. No, honey are you okay? Your pump keeps going off. No, oh my god, is my wife okay? What if she is passed out due to low blood sugar? It was just immediate anger.

I feel like my disease is a burden to him. I don’t ask much from him. I rarely ask him to bring me snacks when I am low or try to make accommodations for me unless it is absolutely necessary because I know how upsetting it is to him. When I’m around my family they get concerned when my pump makes any noise at all and my husband always laughs it off and says why are you so concerned? She just deals with it. The truth is that I just deal with it on my own because he doesn’t react well when I ask for any type of help and so I make sure I am not a burden as best as I can. But I can’t sustain this forever....

I currently do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, bills, etc. He works weird hours from about 12-9 every day and most weekends as a swim coach. What am I going to do when we have kids? Moms out there- how do you manage this disease and your kiddos with minimal to no support from your husband? I’m already almost completely alone.... how do I do this while trying to raise our family? I’m not pregnant yet but he wants to start having kids soon.

We’ve been together for 10 years... we got together in high school and he was the sweetest guy. I never imagined our life together would ever look like this and that all his compassion towards me would evaporate. He was always very controlling, but at least he took care of me. I don’t want to leave him, but I just want a man who supports me and this disease. Did anyone meet their SO after diagnosis and have better luck?

Now I’m having issues with a new pump I switched to and the CGM malfunctioning. These next four years are daunting to me based on the last few weeks experiences I’ve had with the pump. When I tried to rely on him for emotional support and ended up expressing anger and frustration he got so mad at me because I didn’t agree with one of the things he said. He immediately started arguing with me about why he was right and it was just not what I needed in that moment. I just don’t think I can come to him with any concerns. His beliefs/thoughts/opinions are more important than my feelings and what I am going through.

Starting to fall out of love with my husband over all this.... any help is appreciated. I don’t want to change him... I just want him to accept me with Type 1 Diabetes. How do I do that?


For me he is a selfish oik and needs to take a long hard look at himself.... i would be telling him how it is and will be and if he didnt like it tough... your health and the management of your condition is paramount...you dont need telling of the consequences of type 1 mismanagemnt... clearly he cant be relied upon, i ask myself is this a marriage that can survive - only you can answer that but he is totally at fault not you in my opinion!