It's scary as hell. I feel like I need to do something that will go down in history, like have a legacy, so I'm remembered. I don't want to be forgotten like I never existed in the first place. I have been waiting for 6 months for someone to help me and it's getting worse. I generally want to know if anybody else feels like this? Or am I a lunatic. Like I go to work and I just don't try anymore, I don't care. Like what's the point?
First
What helped me easily over the initial diagnosis is knowing my mother get her T2 from my birth. She lives almost 50 years with it without ANY problems. And all the time she has been like 40-50kg overweight and had real sweet tooth. every time I go see her she has bought huge cake or pie that she "only bought for us" but she's usually eaten half of it. So, 50 more year with that kind of lifestyle and no problems. Only thing going for hr is that has been exercising little: walking cycling, swimming. Slow easy stuff. and Taking her medication regularly. So you should easily beat her by healthier lifestyle.
***, dude, 50 years !!!!! Chances are you would not have made it 83 without T2. T2 might actually lengthen your life by forcing you to life healthier. The years you lost might be less than years you gain by the healthy lifestyle you are forced to adopt.
And chances are they discover cure for diabetes in those 50 years! They are already testing artificial pancreas to automatically control blood glucose. The technology is here, it just needs to be put together and artificial organs made a little better to actually rival natural ones.
Secondly
Many people feel that. Saying that I have lived an interesting and full life, would be an understatement. The high and the low have both been incredible. I felt it couple times in my life. I am feeling it right now. Every single time it has been THE worst moment of my life and there has not need any hope for the future.
You are just facing your own mortality. Not really a big thing, unless you (and I ) make it such. This time I know I have no hope...
... like every time before.
And this time is different from all the other times this really is it...
... like every time before.
I am only 3 months in, but now realizing I might have symptoms on Nephropathy for a year. And now symptoms in my legs are getting worse very quickly. I am really struggling to find hope. I vaguely remember the time before the symptoms started. We bought a house 2 years ago and I had all these plans remodeling and small improvements. I think there are 20-30 projects on my desk different stages of completeness.
Now I can not find joy in any of them as I do not thing I get to enjoy them. I fear if my legs are going soon then my life will just be daily struggle with them and pain slowly watching my legs rot away.
I have experienced depression in life, I have had hard and low times. But this is different this is so concrete.
My mind WAS always thinking ahead and planning new and interesting things.
Now it is working against me:
I already checked out the euthanasia clinics in Denmark. Making alternative plans trying to think which would be least unpleasant for people I love. Do not get me wrong I am not (very) suicidal. I just plan for everything. I also checked where to get amputation surgery so I would not have to in national health surgery queues for years watching my legs rot away. I also research the state high tech leg prosthetic mimicking functionality of human leg, only in USA and 70k € EACH. I made plans for most contingencies But this disease IF it gets to complications is pretty hopeless. I do not just lose my legs, they are just first to go as a symptom of irreversible systematic nerve and vascular system caused by damages to kidneys. After legs it will kidney the damaging vascular system, then you be eyes that go, only thing going for you at that point is your heart will give soon. Hopefully you lose you hands too. Or you get a stroke and be left as rotting vegetable at some hospital bed. That is racing through my mind constantly now.
Enough about me and
what you and me can do :
Depression 101. Learn to recognize when you mind start to going into these dark loops It is ok and natural to worry and thing about what can go wrong and think "dark" thoughts. But you need to learn to give them only so much time and do not let them repeat. Like I find my self thinking "If I only had been diagnosed 6 moths earlier I would not have these complications..." and then go how great my life would have been and how horrible it now will be if everything goes wrong. I let my self think it through once and now when I notice myself starting to think that same self pity loop I force myself to stop and think something else. Wallowing in that same self pity loop is comforting because it is familiar. But it really bad as you do that often enough it gets harder and hard to out of that though pattern loop. It actually alters your brain chemistry to think in those patterns. You can train you brain to think happy and hopeful thought or depressive toughs. You might not me able force yourself to be happy and hopeful but I found I can force my mind not to lose that capability by forcing myself not to wallow in the desperation for too long. And not allow these "loops". When ever I notice my self repeating same depressive thoughts, I shout in my mind "Hey, stop. I heard this already! STFU !"
What you and I are feeling is just a phase if we do not let it become our natural state of mind. If we let then it then it becomes a depression, which also can be get rid of but then it takes much more work.
My life have had really highs and really lows (usually involving crazy women) or deaths but every time I have been at the point "I think this is it." I knew that learned that life is a strange thing and you never know what it will bring no matter how hopeless things look now. EVERY single time than has been true. both for me and my friends around me in similar situations. If future seems hopeless force yourself to think something that is not completely hopeless and focus on that. Even if for just a little while. Just find some way point to crawl to through the broken glass. For me it is the kidney lab test and losing 12kg more to break under BMI 35 which is considered out of the death zone.
I am losing hope as I am getting neuropathy complications. I fear I was diagnosed too late, I had it too long. So your chances look really good of T2 not having much effect on your life,