OK guys sorry for the slow down in replies.
A couple of weeks ago I had a panic attack at work. I assumed it was work related, signed off for the week. Worried about missing work, pressure on colleagues to carry my caseload etc. Anyway I felt OK and planned to go back the following Monday. But, walking to work, thinking about catching up and the week ahead, another panic attack. (I've worked in acute mental health for 15 years, dealt with serious self harm, suicide, 6'7'" psychotic Mauri's, weapons, single person home visits. No drama, that's what I do). Felt like it was work stressing me out all of a sudden so had another week signed off.
Went back to work on Monday, albeit with 2.5mg of diazepam in me, and managed the day despite having to attend a MH tribunal about someones community treatment order. Stressful, but again, this is what I do.
Tuesday was great. Laughing, smiling, joking etc. But got to 4pm and looked at my desk. The paperwork, notes, clinical updates, risk assessments. Meltdown. It's nearly 40c here. My boss was in meeting. The clinic co-ord was off (He's a Kiwi and the volcano / earthquake meant he was unnavailable). The next senior was out at a meeting. I walked into one of the registrars office in panic mode and said I needed some air, to go to the shops. By the time I got there my light blue shirt was dark blue with sweat. Heart was going 1 million beats and I just kept thinking "I"m ******" why me. I bought some cigarettes. Sat on a wall by work. Lit one. Put my head in my hands, then felt the burn of the cigarette on my fingers. It had burnt down and I hadn't noticed.
I walked back into work, saw a colleague who smilingly said how are you? "****" and burst into tears.
I've figured out that since I've been on the 670g, although my levels are great and predicted a1c has dropped from 7,7 to 6.9, the constant input this thing needs is making me so anxious. New sensors, calibration, warm up, beeping and vibrating through the night. Tuesday night 3 failed cannula inserts with unknown amounts of insulin delivered. 2am massive hypo 2.2 - obviously some insulin had got in but I don't know how much. I had a banana and went back to bed. Only to be woken by my wife with the alarms going off and another hypo. Up, cereal bar, back to bed. Then another hypo, big glass of milk.
Woke next day, got my clothes ready for work but I knew I couldn't go in. So tired - too risky to drive. Work are super supportive.
Went to GP who said need to see my endo. I've always self managed since being in Oz (ten years) and no chance of seeing an endo in public system this side of Christmas. So she did a referral to a private endo, except I'm chasing this but she gave me a copy and I was supposed to hand it to reception to fax (yeah, it's 2020... still faxing!). Anyway called them, no refertal obviously and no appts until at least Feb.
Found another place locally that has private endos but I can't self refer, my GP has to change the name and address and they MIGHT be able to see me next Friday.
I've realised that all this stress and anxiety is the pump and CGM. While it works for some, it's the constant inputs and requests for enter BG, sensors signal lost, new sensors, high levels and slow recovery. My overall picture is good, I'm just burnt out. Sleep deprived, and signed off work for another week, which obviously makes me feel guilty for adding pressure on my already busy colleagues, and the "catch up" when I get back to work.
I have this week and next week signed off. Then I'm on 2 weeks annual leave and due back in New Year.
I eat so healthily. Rarely eat bread bar some sourdough. I love kimchee, saurkraut etc. A friend who's a dietician said it's my gut bacteria but it's not, I don't think I could eat much healthier, nuts, seeds, greens etc. I exercise - mountain bike and thai boxing but I'm hving a break due to the heat here at the moment - 40c and it's only just started summer.
It's the beeps and pump. It's the sleep deprivation. It's being snappy and angry at people when I'm normally the calmest most chilled.
I have found that talking does help to some extent. My work colleagues are clin psychs, I'm not suicidal in any way. I'm not drinking to cope, and only reluctantly taking a diazepam when I feel I really need it.
This ladies and gents is 25 years of diabetes. Burnout.
I have considered the Dexcom G6 and using the pumo in manual mode during the day, but for some reason the G6 is not available in Aus yet and they can't tell me when. Perhaps the G5 and a Smartwatch combined with manual mode might work better. I just need to see an endo ASAP
Sorry for the super long message. I've found it's great to listen to people's opinion here. And I hope people can relate and identify to some of these issues. As a community I know I can work through this, I'm just admitting to really being super anxious and struggling at the moment.
I'm going to have a freezer-pop to cool down. I don't care if it's full of sugar! It's 39c now.
PS. Panic attacks SUCK!!!!!!!!
