Suicidal ideation *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Patrick66]

So here I am.

Diabetc, Type 2, history of chronic depression, self-harm, thinking more and more about suicide.

My diets shot as I cant stomach LC/HF any more and I just cant face eating 'healthy' as I'm Autistic and my already narrow range of foods I can tolerate has now shrunk to a new low.

Constantly tired, suffering from insomnia (and ADHD)- hate my job, hate my home life- constantly torn between the lesser of two evils.

That sense of utter failure in everything; that sense of inadequacy- yes I've been under the dubious care of psychiatrists, mental health teams and crisis teams- the drugs don't work and I can't even keep to a healthy diet!.

Feel so trapped and nothing goes right. I just can't seem to make people listen to me and I am tired of living. Its only the fear of failure that keeps me from ending it all.

Welcome to my world.

 

[Juicyj]

Hello @Patrick66

Please call Samaritans 116 123.

I know things are hard for you right now, so please speak to someone and get some support. I had a really awful experience 6 months into my diagnosis when I hit the wall and was ready to walk away from everything, I couldn't get support and to be honest I thought someone could help me when no one could, the doctor gave me pills which I didn't want and I ended up joining a Buddhist meditation group which helped lift me and was able to view my situation in an entirely new light, it enabled me to breathe again and although the black dog was still there, I was in a better place to manage it.

I hope by talking here that the cloud has lifted slightly for you, but please don't do anything to harm yourself, speak to Samaritans first or keep talking here, I know no one can take this pain away from you but hope it can help ease it, best wishes Juicy.

 

[Patrick66]

Hello @Patrick66

Please call Samaritans 116 123.

I know things are hard for you right now, so please speak to someone and get some support. I had a really awful experience 6 months into my diagnosis when I hit the wall and was ready to walk away from everything, I couldn't get support and to be honest I thought someone could help me when no one could, the doctor gave me pills which I didn't want and I ended up joining a Buddhist meditation group which helped lift me and was able to view my situation in an entirely new light, it enabled me to breathe again and although the black dog was still there, I was in a better place to manage it.

I hope by talking here that the cloud has lifted slightly for you, but please don't do anything to harm yourself, speak to Samaritans first or keep talking here, I know no one can take this pain away from you but hope it can help ease it, best wishes Juicy.

I wouldn't call them if they were my only hope- dreadful experiences with them.

 

[Robinredbreast]

Hello @Patrick66

Please call Samaritans 116 123.

I know things are hard for you right now, so please speak to someone and get some support. I had a really awful experience 6 months into my diagnosis when I hit the wall and was ready to walk away from everything, I couldn't get support and to be honest I thought someone could help me when no one could, the doctor gave me pills which I didn't want and I ended up joining a Buddhist meditation group which helped lift me and was able to view my situation in an entirely new light, it enabled me to breathe again and although the black dog was still there, I was in a better place to manage it.

I hope by talking here that the cloud has lifted slightly for you, but please don't do anything to harm yourself, speak to Samaritans first or keep talking here, I know no one can take this pain away from you but hope it can help ease it, best wishes Juicy.

I concur with your post, I hope it will help @Patrick66

 

[Juicyj]

Hello @Patrick66 Sorry to hear that, but as they are a professional organisation and run by individuals then each experience will be different. Have you tried any alternative treatments such as meditation, or art therapy, exercise ?

What do you feel would help you in your current situation ?

 

[Patrick66]

Hello @Patrick66 Sorry to hear that, but as they are a professional organisation and run by individuals then each experience will be different. Have you tried any alternative treatments such as meditation, or art therapy, exercise ?

What do you feel would help you in your current situation ?

Meditation and Autism really don't mix as our minds churn and churn. Mindfulness makes the top 5 worst experiences of my life!.
I do exercise- I run- makes me think- too much.

What would help?. I really don't know anymore. Everything is so horrible and my partner is a terrible listener...

 

[lovinglife]

I am so sorry you are struggling so much, I completely get it about the help for your mental health- things just aren’t geared up for people with autism and most therapies that work for neurotypical folks just don’t help at all for people with autism- I have experienced this with my son who has autism and lots of mental health issues.

have you tried contacting the National Autistic Society? They may have a list of therapists who specialise in autism. Also my son is under the learning disabilities mental health team and they do have a different approach, you can be referred by your GP.

As regards to your diabetes and at the risk of being shot down in flames by other forum members I am going to suggest that you change your approach. You have so much to deal with and sometimes we have to look at things holistically. You need to eat and maybe low carb is counterproductive for you.

It might be the case for you that in order to be healthier you need to eat food you can tolerate with your autism rather than your diabetes and accept the help that medication can give you to manage your diabetes successfully along with everything else you battle on a daily basis - there is no shame in needing medication for diabetes if it helps give you a better quality of life.

Hope you get he help you deserve and find some peace

 

[Geordie_P]

I think Lovinglife makes a pretty astute point: the holistic approach makes sense when you are facing issues on multiple fronts.

 

[Patrick66]

I am so sorry you are struggling so much, I completely get it about the help for your mental health- things just aren’t geared up for people with autism and most therapies that work for neurotypical folks just don’t help at all for people with autism- I have experienced this with my son who has autism and lots of mental health issues.

have you tried contacting the National Autistic Society? They may have a list of therapists who specialise in autism. Also my son is under the learning disabilities mental health team and they do have a different approach, you can be referred by your GP.

As regards to your diabetes and at the risk of being shot down in flames by other forum members I am going to suggest that you change your approach. You have so much to deal with and sometimes we have to look at things holistically. You need to eat and maybe low carb is counterproductive for you.

It might be the case for you that in order to be healthier you need to eat food you can tolerate with your autism rather than your diabetes and accept the help that medication can give you to manage your diabetes successfully along with everything else you battle on a daily basis - there is no shame in needing medication for diabetes if it helps give you a better quality of life.

Hope you get he help you deserve and find some peace

The NAS ...most regrettably, care little for Autistic people but see us as a way to make money. Agree with holistic approach.

Already under CMHT but they just sit there passively and nod, they don't interact. Crisis team rang me to ask if i had eaten supper..apparently thats the pointer that shows them you won't commit suicide before morning. Whole thing is embarrassing.

 

[AloeSvea]

@Patrick66 - can I just say, regarding your feelings of failure and inadequacy - I see that you got your HBA1c down from 78 to 41 in less than a year, and even though I am not one to talk about weight issues in terms of success or failure - you also lost a couple of stone to boot. This is great! you're actually doing great! Although I do get you don't feel like it. But if you are neuro-diverse - you respond to logic? Logically - you are doing well vis a vis the diabetes at least. (I bet your partner tells you that too? Not to mention your doc!) Think of what more you can achieve in the good health department, given many more years!

And I get your being sick of LCHF on top of you having so few foods on your menu to begin with. I guess you are not into cooking? Could you get into it? Make what foods you like more interesting? (I got into cooking, upon diagnosis, because I like eating, and needed to ingredients-control, basically. I still don't enjoy cooking, but I do get to enjoy eating what I make and cook.)

Could you become an expert, or as expert-like as possible in making something you used to like, but a diabetic-friendly LCHF version? And focus on that a bit? As an emotion/mind balance technique, if I can call it that. (For me, it's ice cream.)

 

[Patrick66]

@Patrick66 - can I just say, regarding your feelings of failure and inadequacy - I see that you got your HBA1c down from 78 to 41 in less than a year, and even though I am not one to talk about weight issues in terms of success or failure - you also lost a couple of stone to boot. This is great! you're actually doing great! Although I do get you don't feel like it. But if you are neuro-diverse - you respond to logic? Logically - you are doing well vis a vis the diabetes at least. (I bet your partner tells you that too? Not to mention your doc!) Think of what more you can achieve in the good health department, given many more years!

And I get your being sick of LCHF on top of you having so few foods on your menu to begin with. I guess you are not into cooking? Could you get into it? Make what foods you like more interesting? (I got into cooking, upon diagnosis, because I like eating, and needed to ingredients-control, basically. I still don't enjoy cooking, but I do get to enjoy eating what I make and cook.)

Could you become an expert, or as expert-like as possible in making something you used to like, but a diabetic-friendly LCHF version? And focus on that a bit? As an emotion/mind balance technique, if I can call it that. (For me, it's ice cream.)

HbA1c is a bit misleading. Test me now and it would be in the high 70s...probbaly. Diets gone to pot and I have put on 10lb. I have just got back from a horrible hospital appt and thats made me feel even worse!.

 

[AloeSvea]

Hi again @Patrick66 - I'm sorry about the horrible hospital experience.

About the food - can you pull back on the diet having gone to pot, and lower your carbs again? Start planning some lovely LCHF meals? Start eating bacon and eggs for breakfast? (Or whatever your LCHF breakfast of choice was?)

You will probably start feeling much better straight away if your blood glucose levels have risen recently. But don't leave that to chance - can you get tested again? Start testing yourself again at home? And get an updated HBA1c - it may not be as bad as you think, and if it is - this can be the point you regain your better health from.

 

[Patrick66]

Hi again @Patrick66 - I'm sorry about the horrible hospital experience.

About the food - can you pull back on the diet having gone to pot, and lower your carbs again? Start planning some lovely LCHF meals? Start eating bacon and eggs for breakfast? (Or whatever your LCHF breakfast of choice was?)

You will probably start feeling much better straight away if your blood glucose levels have risen recently. But don't leave that to chance - can you get tested again? Start testing yourself again at home? And get an updated HBA1c - it may not be as bad as you think, and if it is - this can be the point you regain your better health from.

Well I am trying.

Still eating a few too many carbs but a balanced diet including some bread and potatoes is a little more palatable at present. have cut back on the sweet things so only had a ;'sweet day' twice in last ten days now.

Trying my best.

Next HbA1c is about five weeks away.

 

[lovinglife]

Well I am trying.

Still eating a few too many carbs but a balanced diet including some bread and potatoes is a little more palatable at present. have cut back on the sweet things so only had a ;'sweet day' twice in last ten days now.

Trying my best.

Next HbA1c is about five weeks away.

Well done @Patrick66 everyone can see how hard you’re trying - glad you are managing to eat something even if it is carbs, like I said in my last post it may be better for you all round if you decide to eat more of the foods you can cope with rather than torturing yourself with trying to low carb.

Food phobias are not fun and are very different from food “dislikes” my son has many food phobias. We had a bit of a ding dong last night and he couldn’t eat his tea because I inadvertently used a knife I’d chopped up a hard boiled egg for me on his chunks of cucumber, completely ruined his tea, any form of egg is a big no no for him and for a good few years we couldn’t eat them near him - he can cope with that now - thank god the amount of omelettes I eat lol

keep going lovely you are doing great!

 

[Patrick66]

Well done @Patrick66 everyone can see how hard you’re trying - glad you are managing to eat something even if it is carbs, like I said in my last post it may be better for you all round if you decide to eat more of the foods you can cope with rather than torturing yourself with trying to low carb.

Food phobias are not fun and are very different from food “dislikes” my son has many food phobias. We had a bit of a ding dong last night and he couldn’t eat his tea because I inadvertently used a knife I’d chopped up a hard boiled egg for me on his chunks of cucumber, completely ruined his tea, any form of egg is a big no no for him and for a good few years we couldn’t eat them near him - he can cope with that now - thank god the amount of omelettes I eat lol

keep going lovely you are doing great!

Thank you.

Yes, best to eat something even if its not as low carb as I would like. Had toast this morning with diabetic jam. Think its fish for tea. Or Eggs.

I will struggle on.