Depression and just wanting to be happy again

[type1gabs]

Hi all, I hope you're all going ok and safe!

I dont really know where to begin and it is quite difficult for me to write this. I am 27 and have been diabetic for 26 years so I've never known anything different. When I went to uni I loved with some toxic girls who made me feel terrible about my own self image and soneent into dka twice. I then left uni and my mental health started to get a little bit better, I only fully recovered from diabulemia around 2 or 3 years ago. As a result I have developed retinopathy and have had laser in both my eyes. One of my eyes has stabilised but the other one I still get occasional floaters in which my consultant said it isnt of concern as it's just the fragments. This has all happened in the last 18months so it's been a really tough time dealing with that.

When I first got diagnosed with retinopathy, ever since then I just have felt so low and depressed, felt I've failed myself for getting a complication so young and that the future doesnt hold much for me and I'm just going to do blind. It doesnt help that no one o know has diabetes so I've never really been able to talk about it or understand everything I'm going through. My family are the type that say "you could have cancer' and your not allowed to not be ok. I had a bad morning, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning and when I went down to make a cup of tea I just couldn't stop crying for no reason. My mum just said 'what you crying for, you dont need to cry over that' I just said ok and then she sighed and walked off. I then just went to my room and cried to myself more and self harmed for the first time. Not great I know but I felt it helped get the sadness out of me.

I just hate my life and everything with it. I love my boyfriend and he is the nicest guy but has always held me back in life. I have a good job and work hard and could of bought a house years ago but its him who has said well I want to be able to contribute to the deposit. He hasn't got a good job so even after 3 years of him trying to save, I've told him we just have to move out now with my deposit just so we can not live with our parents anymore. Ive never held this against him as I love him and he has been great support for me. With everything I have wrong with me I feel I've wasted years of my healthy life I could of done things that I probably wont be able to do in the next 10 years or so when I probably get more complications.

I also just hate who I am as a person. I have resentment towards my dad, I hate it as I want to like him as he is a nice man but I just cant make eye contact or be near him as I just feel so much sadness and resentment towards him. The reason for this is when I was younger it was always my mum that looked after my levels, did my injections take me to my doctor appointments... my dad did nothing but have a moan whenever my levels were a little bit high. Even now, he doesnt want to fully understand diabetes and what emotions and feelings o am going through. I hate sho o am when I am around him aa I want to be nice and not be horrible when in his presence but I just cant let go of that resentment.

It's got to a point that whenever my sister comes round I just want to be away from everyone and not involved. Jist because I bring so much negative energy and I just want everyone to have a good time and be happy which when I'm upstairs listening in... they're all laughing and having a great time. I just feel so alone with this disease, life and because my family aren't so open about talking about our emotions, I feel I can never talk to them about anything.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just feel like I've been rambling on but its emotions I feel wont get judged on here as you know what diabetes is like and the struggles it can bring.

All I want to be is just happy again. Just be a nice.person to be around and for my family to actually like being around me. I hate living in this house as I just feel everyone is trying to step on egg shells and I just want to be a nice person as I hate the one I am now.

Thanks.so much if you've got this far reading through.my post

 

[Goonergal]

@type1gabs I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through but wanted to respond to your heartfelt post.

Posting here I think means you’re open to help and support. I think it’s important that you talk to someone about all of this. Would there be a friend or someone else close that you could confide in? Or perhaps you could try the Samaritans who will listen without judgement? Their number is 116 123.

 

[Juicyj]

Hello @type1gabs

Do you think writing this has helped you to visualise and put some perspective into things ? To me life is about balance and having t1 has given me the ability to really see this, so everything from sleep, food, exercise, alcohol etc it’s about striking a balance, it’s great you understand how toxic other people can be and particularly ones who drain the precious energy we have. No one will ever really get the effort, energy and will required to manage this condition but then that’s our lot, we crack on and do our best, you have to a certain degree got to forget the past as it cannot be changed, living with a health condition requires us to be present and mindful so perhaps trying some meditation that will help centre your thoughts will help ? I tried this at a point when I was at my lowest and it helped to lift me from a dark place and to also be around some very kind compassionate people who didn’t judge me.

Am happy to chat if you need to off load, it’s amazing how well you have done so please don’t be so hard on yourself, overcoming diabulimia is a massive achievement, yes there will be hiccups but building resilience to help overcome them is vital as is getting support when you need it so never be afraid to ask for help or support x

 

[Natasha39]

Hi all, I hope you're all going ok and safe!

I dont really know where to begin and it is quite difficult for me to write this. I am 27 and have been diabetic for 26 years so I've never known anything different. When I went to uni I loved with some toxic girls who made me feel terrible about my own self image and soneent into dka twice. I then left uni and my mental health started to get a little bit better, I only fully recovered from diabulemia around 2 or 3 years ago. As a result I have developed retinopathy and have had laser in both my eyes. One of my eyes has stabilised but the other one I still get occasional floaters in which my consultant said it isnt of concern as it's just the fragments. This has all happened in the last 18months so it's been a really tough time dealing with that.

When I first got diagnosed with retinopathy, ever since then I just have felt so low and depressed, felt I've failed myself for getting a complication so young and that the future doesnt hold much for me and I'm just going to do blind. It doesnt help that no one o know has diabetes so I've never really been able to talk about it or understand everything I'm going through. My family are the type that say "you could have cancer' and your not allowed to not be ok. I had a bad morning, I struggled to even get myself out of bed this morning and when I went down to make a cup of tea I just couldn't stop crying for no reason. My mum just said 'what you crying for, you dont need to cry over that' I just said ok and then she sighed and walked off. I then just went to my room and cried to myself more and self harmed for the first time. Not great I know but I felt it helped get the sadness out of me.

I just hate my life and everything with it. I love my boyfriend and he is the nicest guy but has always held me back in life. I have a good job and work hard and could of bought a house years ago but its him who has said well I want to be able to contribute to the deposit. He hasn't got a good job so even after 3 years of him trying to save, I've told him we just have to move out now with my deposit just so we can not live with our parents anymore. Ive never held this against him as I love him and he has been great support for me. With everything I have wrong with me I feel I've wasted years of my healthy life I could of done things that I probably wont be able to do in the next 10 years or so when I probably get more complications.

I also just hate who I am as a person. I have resentment towards my dad, I hate it as I want to like him as he is a nice man but I just cant make eye contact or be near him as I just feel so much sadness and resentment towards him. The reason for this is when I was younger it was always my mum that looked after my levels, did my injections take me to my doctor appointments... my dad did nothing but have a moan whenever my levels were a little bit high. Even now, he doesnt want to fully understand diabetes and what emotions and feelings o am going through. I hate sho o am when I am around him aa I want to be nice and not be horrible when in his presence but I just cant let go of that resentment.

It's got to a point that whenever my sister comes round I just want to be away from everyone and not involved. Jist because I bring so much negative energy and I just want everyone to have a good time and be happy which when I'm upstairs listening in... they're all laughing and having a great time. I just feel so alone with this disease, life and because my family aren't so open about talking about our emotions, I feel I can never talk to them about anything.

I'm so sorry for the long post, I just feel like I've been rambling on but its emotions I feel wont get judged on here as you know what diabetes is like and the struggles it can bring.

All I want to be is just happy again. Just be a nice.person to be around and for my family to actually like being around me. I hate living in this house as I just feel everyone is trying to step on egg shells and I just want to be a nice person as I hate the one I am now.

Thanks.so much if you've got this far reading through.my post

I'm so sorry you feel so sad and alone and this is the forum that you can express these feelings and get it written out of your mind so never apologise for expressing your feelings. I wish my daughter would do the same. My daughter is 13 and been Type 1 since the age of 5 so like you she doesn't really know life without her condition. Our family set up is also similar to you, i try and keep on top of her condition and help and support her but she doesn't want other of us to help. She stays in her room and I wonder what her thoughts are and whats she's doing. It's very hard to understand because she pushes us away all the time. Her dad hasn't been as much involved but does know what to do. She self harms and won't talk about it. Your not alone, your not making your family sad, parents worry so much and sometimes we don't get it right or say the right things but we are here and we want you to be happy, your happiness makes everyone happy. Stay safe xxx

 

[NicoleC1971]

Hi . Reading your post has made me feel so much empahty for you and for my 27 year old self.
This 27 year old had gone to uni and lived through diabetes and bulimia too. Was incredibly self critical and felt as if I had failed at being a good diabetic whilst also being angry that this burden was there. I also had people in my life that loved me even if not all of those people 'got' me or were able to be there for me when I needed them too. Anyway I am 49 now and survived uni, diabetes, recurrent bulimia and have had a career plus family with the adage that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger! Please be proud of what you've done so far and recognise that its no mean feat. You are not meant to clear every hurdle effortlessly; have a little faith in yourself as a problem solver with proven resilience.
I think your feelings are strong; self loathing, guilt and resentment are nasty but there is no point telling yourself not to feel those things but you could try something like the 20 second rule i.e. a feeling pops up and you tell yourself that it will pass and that the only way it won't pass is if you keep feeding that emotion.
You sound as if you have done really well to keep going and I am sorry it feels so tough but I think you should have hope that it won't always be this bad particularly if you can access some ongoing support ? I needed a little prozac plus cbt to help me see the light again and often it was most likely just the placebo effect of someone being kind and listening! Big hugs anyway.
When you can forgive yourself and be kinder to yourself too, you may find that you can forgive your dad too. He may never be your hero rescuer like your mum is but if he is kind, nice and open to understanding your difficult feelings then that is all you can really expect isn't it?

 

[Grant_Vicat]

Hi @type1gabs Those who have already posted have probably helped you more than I ever could. But there is one thing I would like to say. Like you, I was diagnosed Type 1 as a baby. Like you I went to uni, fortunately King's College London, with a leading diabetes department - Stephanie Amiel, who invented DAFNE was there during the time I was an outpatient. They lasered both my eyes in 1979 and on occasions up till 1983. I have not needed treatment since, and only need reading glasses because I am long-sighted. It is very easy to think "I am responsible for damaging my life and that it can only get worse. It doesn't have to. Wishing you a bright future and good luck.

 

[NicoleC1971]

I'm so sorry you feel so sad and alone and this is the forum that you can express these feelings and get it written out of your mind so never apologise for expressing your feelings. I wish my daughter would do the same. My daughter is 13 and been Type 1 since the age of 5 so like you she doesn't really know life without her condition. Our family set up is also similar to you, i try and keep on top of her condition and help and support her but she doesn't want other of us to help. She stays in her room and I wonder what her thoughts are and whats she's doing. It's very hard to understand because she pushes us away all the time. Her dad hasn't been as much involved but does know what to do. She self harms and won't talk about it. Your not alone, your not making your family sad, parents worry so much and sometimes we don't get it right or say the right things but we are here and we want you to be happy, your happiness makes everyone happy. Stay safe xxx

Hi . Sending you a virtual hug too Nathasha39. Its not easy being a mum on a solo mission and this lockdown business hasn't helped with bedroom dwelling daughters.. Mine is 17. Keep on trying to listen to your daughter even if it takes a few months/years for her to open up. She knows you love her but sometimes the performance pressure (have you done your test/injection/homework) can be overwhelming and she is showing this by her self harming. My protest was to escape into eating disorders but I did emerge and she will too. You won't get gratitude but keep going with the prompts/reminders/food and love !

 

[DCUKMod]

@type1gabs - I feel for you. The feeling of isolation is very tough, especially when you seem to have so many who care about you. I'm sure your Dad does care about you, but maybe he just doesn't know what to say to "make it better". I think that's what Dad's want to do - make it better.

Men and women think differently. I've been with my partner for eons, but every now and then, we just look at each other thinking, "which planet are you on?"

That life has been challenging and your diabetes has thrown you some curved balls, doesn't mean it can't be a better future.

Have you spoken about this with your diabetes team? Most Diabetes Clinics or Centres have Clinical Psychologists working with them. Whilst they may not be living with diabetes themselves, they are experienced in helping people juggle all the balls a person living with diabetes needs. They are there to help you.

If you were able to live away from home, without the help of your boyfriend, could you consider that? If you have your deposit, you could consider getting a mortgage yourself. You could invite your boyfriend to live with you, if that's what you want, but you would have the respite you feel you need.

Few relationships have both partners on the same financial footing. Sometimes one earns or has significantly more than the other. It can take time to work out what makes any given situation "fair".

Please do talk about this - here, with your diabetes team, with a friend, or wherever. You deserve much better than self harming. Trust me. You are stronger than you think.

 

[Diakat]

How are you feeling today @type1gabs ?

 

[PenguinMum]

@type1gabs I would like to virtually wrap my arms around you and give you a hug. My sons are around your age. It is not an easy time to be young let alone managing Diabetes T1. You really have faced down some adversities so well done. I also have eye issues and have had two courses of injections despite managing my Diabetes well. Sometimes its just bad luck. Treatment now is so advanced you won’t be allowed to go blind. Try not to dwell on the past but think about your future. I think you would really benefit from seeing a counsellor. If you go on the MIND website you will be able to find some in your area. They typically charge £40 a session. It would help to explore your relationship issues and put things in perspective and to build up your self esteem. I have personal experience of this. I would describe the help I got as unpacking all the troubles in my life and eventually being able to put them back in the right order, a kind of reset!
Please be kind to yourself, you deserve it!

 

[herrera.mariel]

Hello there,
I am 28 and have had type 1 for 22 years now. All you wrote is very relevant to my life as well. I hope you know it is a struggle we face, but it is hard when you have no one to share the experience with nearby. If you would like to reach out to me anytime, feel free.
I hope you know that you sound very strong and will prosper, even when life seems too difficult.

- Mariel