Struggling - mentally, physically, type 1diabetes, depression

[Circuspony]

You mention you had covid - it is being recognised that people are taking a long, long time to recover. Perhaps your blood sugars are all over the place because you still aren't well.

Since my honeymoon period finished I've had widely fluctuating BG levels. Even carb counting and injecting 15 mins in advance can't stop spikes - if I inject enough to keep flat I'll be having hypo and hypo in 5 hours.

I tend to rely on testing and correction doses throughout the day to keep me vaguely stable.

 

[Grant_Vicat]

hi all,

I've not been on here for abit 3yrs, not entirely sure why but im struggling. Mentally. Physically. Diabetes wise. Depression wise. Work wise. My friend suggested a forum or blog so I thought id try.

Background. I'm 27 and a nurse. Diagosed type 1 Christmas 2000. I've had issues with hypos, hypers, diabulimia, dka three times. In 2008 I suffered massively with diabulimia, and resulted in becoming comatose in ITU in alder hay, where I had to he resuscitated 4 times. I've been bullied, been left out, been called, been alone.
Had bouts of low mood, anxiety and depression since I was 14. Diagnosed aged 16. Been self-harming since I was 15 (non for the last couple yrs) (go me).

Things are going well or should I say were going well.
My HbA1c was 7.1mmol/L back in January. My weight was 73.4kg. Both my lowest.
However since the whole covid situation, its all gone to pot.
My weights rose to 77.9kgs, my HbA1c is back up to 8.2. I feel terrible. I have hyper after hyper followed by rebound lows. Or lows followed by rebound highs. Some days I din6t want to test because I dread to see the result. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle that never ever ends.
I go to the gym 2-4times a week depending on my work schedule. I do 3-4 long days (12.5 hours (not including the commute by bus) I've worked the entire covid. I've even had the dreaded covid.

Alots happened recently. One of my freckles doubled in size and changed colour. I've been for a biopsy and I'm awaiting the results to find out if its benign or malignant.
My shoulders been playing up for years. And I've recently been for an MRI. Awaiting appt for those results too.

My diabetes is out of control. Up down up down. I feel no matter what I do it just does its own thing.
I eat reasonably. I've tried low cal and low carb and I just hypo hypo hypo. I do eat chocolate everyday. But only if my blood sugars are below 8. Anything above 8 and its no chocolate for me.
With my anxiety and depression I just feel I'm struggling so much right now.
I spend ages crying and worrying. I'm a nurse I should be able to handle this.
But with my weight increasing and me looking in the mirror I just see fat fat fat.
I've contemplated omitting my insulin to drop some weight but at the same time I know I'll jusy end up in dka again which obvs scares me.
I'm on complex therapy.
Novorapid x3/day
Levemir of a morning
Dapaglifloxin 10mg
Metformin MR 2g
Duloxetine (for my anxiety and depression)
My consultants also put me in victoza/liraglutide to try and help with my blood glucose and weight issues. Because I've tried dieting, I go to the gym regularly, I work long days always on my feet but since covid I've just put on weight, BMs have gone up, my moods horrid.

I shouldn't feel like this. I dint want to feel like this. I mean I've also had really good aspects to this god-awful yr. I've been to Jamaica (precovid)
Me and my partner bought a house and we moved in almost 2 months ago. I've got a job. A house. Food on the table.
But at the same time I spend countless hours thinking about omitting my insulin, cutting my fatty stomach off, self harming. And I shouldn't.

I know this doesn't replace processional or medical help but I don't know if talking to others who may understand or relate may help.

I've opened up to my partner about these things and he's great, until it comes to my depression becoming bad. He just freezes up, not sure what to say. I know he tries and he's trying.

Sorry for the huge post.
Thanks to anyone who reads and/or comments.
Becky

Hi @-beckyb93- I am so sorry to hear about the depressive cycle you are locked into. I think @Circuspony has hit the nail on the head with Covid and its effects. Only 2 people in our family bubble didn't get it or anything like it over Christmas, my granddaughter and I. My son-in law was zombified with a fluey condition and a constant unproductive cough. My wife remained in a similar state for at least 5 weeks, but has had little energy ever since. My daughter had 4 severe asthma attacks on Christmas day as a result of coughing. When Covid was eventually admitted in February, we all wondered whether this was what had attacked the family. Fast forward to last Monday when my wife had her annual pacemaker check-up. They observed that her blood pressure had gone up significantly from the end of November for 8 weeks. All this would make sense with Covid. As Circuspony said, the virus would directly affect your BS and no matter how well controlled you are, this wreaks havoc with your balance. In my days as a Type1 working in a school, I once went from 4.6 at 06.00 to 32.3 at 14.45, thanks to a sickness bug travelling through the school. Add this to the mix, and it is not surprising you feel so depressed. I hope you manage to focus on the light at the end of what is already a very long tunnel.

 

[ert]

You mention you had covid - it is being recognised that people are taking a long, long time to recover. Perhaps your blood sugars are all over the place because you still aren't well.

Since my honeymoon period finished I've had widely fluctuating BG levels. Even carb counting and injecting 15 mins in advance can't stop spikes - if I inject enough to keep flat I'll be having hypo and hypo in 5 hours.

I tend to rely on testing and correction doses throughout the day to keep me vaguely stable.

You shouldn't be trying to stop the spikes on insulin. Unlike a normal person's insulin, injected insulin has a fixed curve which doesn't match the carbohydrates you eat. As long as your blood sugars return to what they were before eating, 5 hours later, your dosage is correct. The only way to not spike is to eat low carbohydrate, which is what I choose to do.

 

[ert]

I'm really sorry you're having a tough time of it. Sending hugs your way.

 

[NicoleC1971]

Yours could be because you've not had breakfast and insulin your liver has released some glucose for energy for the body.
I do feel like I want to scream. I just feel like crying and giving up. I'm trying to stay strong and carry on. But all I want to do it curl up and cry and cry. I feel like just having some big fat cake to help me feel better (short term only) then I'll regret it and want to cry more. I dont want to inject but I know I need to.
I feel like self harming. Just to get some release. But again I know that'll be temporary

Hi. How are things today? Is there anything you can find that brings you joy (you have recognised that the cake is a distraction followed by feeling either ill, guilty or both!). Not saying you shouldn't have a cake but I can recall that as I recovered that I had lost a comfort I had previously used (food) without necessarily having anything to replace it with unless a coffee addiction counts. Maybe you should give yourself a pat on the back for having these insights and not generally falling back into old patterns.
If it is of any comfort, I am struggling with the whole covid thing too but I think my poor kids and husband get the brunt of the frustration and I do enjoy my job and watching my dog chase squirrels all of which is probably helping me keep going with ft job, domestic routine and diabetes though the latter effort is always in the category 'could do better'!
I wondered what keeps you going other than perhaps pride in not giving up?

 

[-beckyb93-]

You shouldn't be trying to stop the spikes on insulin. Unlike a normal person's insulin, injected insulin has a fixed curve which doesn't match the carbohydrates you eat. As long as your blood sugars return to what they were before eating, 5 hours later, your dosage is correct. The only way to not spike is to eat low carbohydrate, which is what I choose to do.

This is incorrect. It shouldn't raise anymore than 2mmol/ls 2hours after eating.
I've been diabetic a very long time. Low carb doesn't work for everyone. I cant do low carb.

@grant-Vicat yeah I'm aware illnesses can cause Bm fluctuations for extended periods. It isnt that. I've have stable sugars since and today they are better.

Yes you need to stop and reduce the spikes. Otherwise you run the risk of hyperglycaemia and also ketone and DKA.

 

[-beckyb93-]

Hi. How are things today? Is there anything you can find that brings you joy (you have recognised that the cake is a distraction followed by feeling either ill, guilty or both!). Not saying you shouldn't have a cake but I can recall that as I recovered that I had lost a comfort I had previously used (food) without necessarily having anything to replace it with unless a coffee addiction counts. Maybe you should give yourself a pat on the back for having these insights and not generally falling back into old patterns.
If it is of any comfort, I am struggling with the whole covid thing too but I think my poor kids and husband get the brunt of the frustration and I do enjoy my job and watching my dog chase squirrels all of which is probably helping me keep going with ft job, domestic routine and diabetes though the latter effort is always in the category 'could do better'!
I wondered what keeps you going other than perhaps pride in not giving up?

Hi Nicole

Yes I am feeling better today. Apologies to not replying to people. I never got any alerts and I had a breakdown yday.
I think I may have needed it though.
I cried at work. I cried with my partner and then I rang my mum and cried to her. We had a heart to heart and spoke through each issue.
I was going to ring in work and not go in. But woke up today and decided work was just where I needed to be. I went in and it was a good day. Stresses of the job but also good.

Thank you.
I am slowly feeling better though.
I enjoy reading. Tv. Food (but trying to be better with food)
Pamper time haha

 

[ert]

This is incorrect. It shouldn't raise anymore than 2mmol/ls 2hours after eating.
I've been diabetic a very long time. Low carb doesn't work for everyone. I cant do low carb.

@grant-Vicat yeah I'm aware illnesses can cause Bm fluctuations for extended periods. It isnt that. I've have stable sugars since and today they are better.

Yes, you need to stop and reduce the spikes. Otherwise you run the risk of hyperglycaemia and also ketone and DKA.

You are correct for a type 2, in trying to get no more than a 2 mmol/l rise in BS. Unfortunately, that isn't the reality of using fixed curve insulin which is injected. DAFNE states you have to accept that if you are dosing for normal eating as a type 1 you will spike, and you ignore the spikes. DAFNE also states only extended elevation of blood sugars that put you in danger of DKA, eating normally and spiking for the four hours after a meal isn't a concern. They current thinking is to encourage type 1's to eat normally. It's just me that chooses not to.

 

[-beckyb93-]

You are correct for a type 2, in trying to get no more than a 2 mmol/l rise in BS. Unfortunately, that isn't the reality of using fixed curve insulin which is injected. DAFNE states you have to accept that if you are dosing for normal eating as a type 1 you will spike, and you ignore the spikes. DAFNE also states only extended elevation of blood sugars that put you in danger of DKA, eating normally and spiking for the four hours after a meal isn't a concern. They current thinking is to encourage type 1's to eat normally. It's just me that chooses not to.

And also for some type 1s. I've never been on the DAFNE course. I dont follow dafne and I have no intention of going on or following dafne.
And for me personally I am not talking about my sugars spiking after food. I'm talking about them being high at irregular random times.
At present they have stabilised

 

[KK123]

This is incorrect. It shouldn't raise anymore than 2mmol/ls 2hours after eating.
I've been diabetic a very long time. Low carb doesn't work for everyone. I cant do low carb.

@grant-Vicat yeah I'm aware illnesses can cause Bm fluctuations for extended periods. It isnt that. I've have stable sugars since and today they are better.

Yes you need to stop and reduce the spikes. Otherwise you run the risk of hyperglycaemia and also ketone and DKA.

I have recently been on a diabetes week long course and the information from all involved was that it CAN take up to 5 hours before levels are back to normal and that you should not correct with insulin during that 5 hours. I don't know if this is a new concept (given that there are many out of date 'facts' bandied about). They stressed that this 'should be back to normal after 2 hours' is NOT always achievable for those on insulin in the way that it might be for type 2s. I know you are not interested in any course, I wasn't either but it turned out to be very interesting and listening to other type 1s with their multitude of problems was very enlightening. All the best to you, I hope you manage to work it out. x

 

[-beckyb93-]

Like I said I'm not talking about highs from food. But random highs unexpectedly.

For example the same bowk of cereal every day and the same insulin same circumstances same amount of business and 3 out of 4 days bm is 8s. Then on the other day bm is 14...
Its random. Or not eating for a few hours.
Wake up in the night with a random high of 18+

 

[Fairygodmother]

Hugs @beccyb93. May the better days continue!
A good cry is a fabulous release, you may have been needing one for ages. Here’s a shout out for the benefits of a really good cry!
@Jaylee mentioned having a cgm, which can give alarms when blood sugars go out of a range you choose to set. If you open up to the team who help with the T1, you might be prescribed one. Ok, Freestyle Libre’s a disc about the size of a 2p coin (it seems like a long time since those were in general circulation - not since March) that you usually wear on an arm. It can link to a smart watch and give readings every five minutes. The cheap watch I use for it can be told to turn off alarms if I’ve done something about a low or a high. I find it really helps with relaxing about what the readings are, about forgetting to check until bloods are definitely too low or too high for comfort. Which reminds me, I must charge my cheapy watch this morning.
As another T1 longhauler, there are quite a few of us around, I sympathise with the relentlessness of it and the neverending search for perfection. It still goes on, but the cliche ‘good enough’ is ok too.
You’ve been working and working, haven’t you? Do you need a break? A time when you can have a few days curled up with a good book, or a box set, and get out for some nice long walks in a place far away from the things that have been filling your days and nights?

 

[Fairygodmother]

Like I said I'm not talking about highs from food. But random highs unexpectedly.

For example the same bowk of cereal every day and the same insulin same circumstances same amount of business and 3 out of 4 days bm is 8s. Then on the other day bm is 14...
Its random. Or not eating for a few hours.
Wake up in the night with a random high of 18+

Yes, T1 sometimes seems to do that. I, too, find the wretched thing just doesn’t always comply with the ‘rules’ humans have said it abides by. Sometimes it’s easily sorted with a change of cartridge, sometimes not. There was someone on here once who came to the conclusion it always happened when he was wearing the wrong socks.

 

[Jaylee]

Like I said I'm not talking about highs from food. But random highs unexpectedly.

For example the same bowk of cereal every day and the same insulin same circumstances same amount of business and 3 out of 4 days bm is 8s. Then on the other day bm is 14...
Its random. Or not eating for a few hours.
Wake up in the night with a random high of 18+

It's not always conclusive that the same routine should bring about the same results.

Could just be something as simple on a dodgy day as poor insulin absorption from the injection site chosen?

Strangely, @Fairygodmother . My monitor watch is due for a charge too..

 

[-beckyb93-]

Like I said I'm not talking about highs from food. But random highs unexpectedly.

For example the same bowk of cereal every day and the same insulin same circumstances same amount of business and 3 out of 4 days bm is 8s. Then on the other day bm is 14...
Its random. Or not eating for a few hours.
Wake up in the night with a random high of 18+

 

[-beckyb93-]

I have the freestyle libre
Haven't had an issue trying to get it

 

[Fairygodmother]

Stress, more exercise or less, intermittent firing from residual beta cells (not everyone loses all of them), a brief encounter with a pathogen, and many many more things could do that. It’s a mystery, and it must be soooooo frustratingly annoying! Poor you.
The watch @Jaylee and I were talking about is a watlaa.

 

[-beckyb93-]

No worries thank you.
Unfortunately do to my profession I cant wear any watches ring etc. I'll have a look into it though x

 

[Jaylee]

I have the freestyle libre
Haven't had an issue trying to get it

That's a great positive.

I self fund mine. My endo just wouldn't play ball..

@Fairygodmother & I use a Bluetooth bridge which sits over the top of the Libre scanning & updating every 5 minutes to a device with set BG perameters that can alarm if BGs drift out of it..
The libre is also prone to being a little out with it's interpretation. So the reader app "XDrip" can be calibrated to the meter.

No worries thank you.
Unfortunately do to my profession I cant wear any watches ring etc. I'll have a look into it though x

Just noticed this. Fair enough. It can be used as an app to your phone with home & lock screen "at a glance" information.

 

[eshobabu]

hi all,

I've not been on here for abit 3yrs, not entirely sure why but im struggling. Mentally. Physically. Diabetes wise. Depression wise. Work wise. My friend suggested a forum or blog so I thought id try.

Background. I'm 27 and a nurse. Diagosed type 1 Christmas 2000. I've had issues with hypos, hypers, diabulimia, dka three times. In 2008 I suffered massively with diabulimia, and resulted in becoming comatose in ITU in alder hay, where I had to he resuscitated 4 times. I've been bullied, been left out, been called, been alone.
Had bouts of low mood, anxiety and depression since I was 14. Diagnosed aged 16. Been self-harming since I was 15 (non for the last couple yrs) (go me).

Things are going well or should I say were going well.
My HbA1c was 7.1mmol/L back in January. My weight was 73.4kg. Both my lowest.
However since the whole covid situation, its all gone to pot.
My weights rose to 77.9kgs, my HbA1c is back up to 8.2. I feel terrible. I have hyper after hyper followed by rebound lows. Or lows followed by rebound highs. Some days I din6t want to test because I dread to see the result. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle that never ever ends.
I go to the gym 2-4times a week depending on my work schedule. I do 3-4 long days (12.5 hours (not including the commute by bus) I've worked the entire covid. I've even had the dreaded covid.

Alots happened recently. One of my freckles doubled in size and changed colour. I've been for a biopsy and I'm awaiting the results to find out if its benign or malignant.
My shoulders been playing up for years. And I've recently been for an MRI. Awaiting appt for those results too.

My diabetes is out of control. Up down up down. I feel no matter what I do it just does its own thing.
I eat reasonably. I've tried low cal and low carb and I just hypo hypo hypo. I do eat chocolate everyday. But only if my blood sugars are below 8. Anything above 8 and its no chocolate for me.
With my anxiety and depression I just feel I'm struggling so much right now.
I spend ages crying and worrying. I'm a nurse I should be able to handle this.
But with my weight increasing and me looking in the mirror I just see fat fat fat.
I've contemplated omitting my insulin to drop some weight but at the same time I know I'll jusy end up in dka again which obvs scares me.
I'm on complex therapy.
Novorapid x3/day
Levemir of a morning
Dapaglifloxin 10mg
Metformin MR 2g
Duloxetine (for my anxiety and depression)
My consultants also put me in victoza/liraglutide to try and help with my blood glucose and weight issues. Because I've tried dieting, I go to the gym regularly, I work long days always on my feet but since covid I've just put on weight, BMs have gone up, my moods horrid.

I shouldn't feel like this. I dint want to feel like this. I mean I've also had really good aspects to this god-awful yr. I've been to Jamaica (precovid)
Me and my partner bought a house and we moved in almost 2 months ago. I've got a job. A house. Food on the table.
But at the same time I spend countless hours thinking about omitting my insulin, cutting my fatty stomach off, self harming. And I shouldn't.

I know this doesn't replace processional or medical help but I don't know if talking to others who may understand or relate may help.

I've opened up to my partner about these things and he's great, until it comes to my depression becoming bad. He just freezes up, not sure what to say. I know he tries and he's trying.

Sorry for the huge post.
Thanks to anyone who reads and/or comments.
Becky

I have a 6yr old daughter who's just diagnosed - I am so proud of you for fighting through all your challenges - I hope my daughter can be just as strong. You have a job, a great one at that - something that helps you make the world a better place for everyone. You sacrificed your own health - got COVID while caring for others on top of fighting this wretched disease. You have a job, a house, and a full life. You my dear, are a fighter. A surviror. You WILL persevere. You WILL find happiness. You WILL be content with life. You WILL find peace.

You WILL get through this.