hi all,
I've not been on here for abit 3yrs, not entirely sure why but im struggling. Mentally. Physically. Diabetes wise. Depression wise. Work wise. My friend suggested a forum or blog so I thought id try.
Background. I'm 27 and a nurse. Diagosed type 1 Christmas 2000. I've had issues with hypos, hypers, diabulimia, dka three times. In 2008 I suffered massively with diabulimia, and resulted in becoming comatose in ITU in alder hay, where I had to he resuscitated 4 times. I've been bullied, been left out, been called, been alone.
Had bouts of low mood, anxiety and depression since I was 14. Diagnosed aged 16. Been self-harming since I was 15 (non for the last couple yrs) (go me).
Things are going well or should I say were going well.
My HbA1c was 7.1mmol/L back in January. My weight was 73.4kg. Both my lowest.
However since the whole covid situation, its all gone to pot.
My weights rose to 77.9kgs, my HbA1c is back up to 8.2. I feel terrible. I have hyper after hyper followed by rebound lows. Or lows followed by rebound highs. Some days I din6t want to test because I dread to see the result. I feel like I'm in a vicious circle that never ever ends.
I go to the gym 2-4times a week depending on my work schedule. I do 3-4 long days (12.5 hours (not including the commute by bus) I've worked the entire covid. I've even had the dreaded covid.
Alots happened recently. One of my freckles doubled in size and changed colour. I've been for a biopsy and I'm awaiting the results to find out if its benign or malignant.
My shoulders been playing up for years. And I've recently been for an MRI. Awaiting appt for those results too.
My diabetes is out of control. Up down up down. I feel no matter what I do it just does its own thing.
I eat reasonably. I've tried low cal and low carb and I just hypo hypo hypo. I do eat chocolate everyday. But only if my blood sugars are below 8. Anything above 8 and its no chocolate for me.
With my anxiety and depression I just feel I'm struggling so much right now.
I spend ages crying and worrying. I'm a nurse I should be able to handle this.
But with my weight increasing and me looking in the mirror I just see fat fat fat.
I've contemplated omitting my insulin to drop some weight but at the same time I know I'll jusy end up in dka again which obvs scares me.
I'm on complex therapy.
Novorapid x3/day
Levemir of a morning
Dapaglifloxin 10mg
Metformin MR 2g
Duloxetine (for my anxiety and depression)
My consultants also put me in victoza/liraglutide to try and help with my blood glucose and weight issues. Because I've tried dieting, I go to the gym regularly, I work long days always on my feet but since covid I've just put on weight, BMs have gone up, my moods horrid.
I shouldn't feel like this. I dint want to feel like this. I mean I've also had really good aspects to this god-awful yr. I've been to Jamaica (precovid)
Me and my partner bought a house and we moved in almost 2 months ago. I've got a job. A house. Food on the table.
But at the same time I spend countless hours thinking about omitting my insulin, cutting my fatty stomach off, self harming. And I shouldn't.
I know this doesn't replace processional or medical help but I don't know if talking to others who may understand or relate may help.
I've opened up to my partner about these things and he's great, until it comes to my depression becoming bad. He just freezes up, not sure what to say. I know he tries and he's trying.
Sorry for the huge post.
Thanks to anyone who reads and/or comments.
Becky