Wife of T1 diabetic, struggling

[LK1]

Hello,

My husband has been diagnosed T1 for 12 years - the entirety of our relationship, we also have two children 6 & 5. In the last 3 years I feel diabetes has really affected him, and also our marriage. He doesn’t look after his health or manage his diabetes and often has ‘high’ or ‘low’ sugars. His mood fluctuates greatly and it causes arguments, and also makes me feel **** about myself as he can be quite unkind to me. This never happened in the beginning with his diabetes.

He loses his temper with the kids and has told me, and the doctor, he feels depressed. He’s been drinking a lot, using it as a crutch and has been trying to reduce how much he drinks, it’s another cause of argument. He’s recently started taking anti depressants too. I would like him to get some counselling which he has agreed to but done nothing about yet.

I am really struggling with the situation, and question the future of our marriage. I don’t know how much of it is diabetes triggered/related and how much is circumstantial stress chasing him to be depressed (he’s self employed and been struggling with his work, we’ve had financial worries & currently living with my parents to get straight which I know he is finding hard).

I am able to tell when his Sugars are high and ask him to check them (he has a CGM) and to take insulin but it just winds him up when I say that. I don’t know how else to go about it.

I’m wondering if there are any other partners of T1s who can offer any advice or support? Or if anyone can point me in the direction of some support? This forum is the first to place I’ve tried. Thank you x

 

[Jaylee]

Hello,

My husband has been diagnosed T1 for 12 years - the entirety of our relationship, we also have two children 6 & 5. In the last 3 years I feel diabetes has really affected him, and also our marriage. He doesn’t look after his health or manage his diabetes and often has ‘high’ or ‘low’ sugars. His mood fluctuates greatly and it causes arguments, and also makes me feel **** about myself as he can be quite unkind to me. This never happened in the beginning with his diabetes.

He loses his temper with the kids and has told me, and the doctor, he feels depressed. He’s been drinking a lot, using it as a crutch and has been trying to reduce how much he drinks, it’s another cause of argument. He’s recently started taking anti depressants too. I would like him to get some counselling which he has agreed to but done nothing about yet.

I am really struggling with the situation, and question the future of our marriage. I don’t know how much of it is diabetes triggered/related and how much is circumstantial stress chasing him to be depressed (he’s self employed and been struggling with his work, we’ve had financial worries & currently living with my parents to get straight which I know he is finding hard).

I am able to tell when his Sugars are high and ask him to check them (he has a CGM) and to take insulin but it just winds him up when I say that. I don’t know how else to go about it.

I’m wondering if there are any other partners of T1s who can offer any advice or support? Or if anyone can point me in the direction of some support? This forum is the first to place I’ve tried. Thank you x

Hello,

Welcome to the forum.

There seem a lot happening with your husband & the sugar levels mixing with booze can certainly have a negative impact on emotional wellbeing. Which in turn can affect those close.
I'm a pretty passive guy. But I know I can feel apathetic when the meter says "HI."
If I was in in your husband's shoes. First focus would be stabilising BGs by working on management..
Everything else? Surprisingly. The innovation to deal with it does come back.

Best wishes.

 

[Daibell]

Hi. It must be very difficult for you. Does his CGM have low and high sugar alarms? Libre 2 has these and I find them useful and was woken up last night with a low sugar alarm . He may take 'advice' from an alarm better than from you? I assume he is on Basal/Bolus insulin? Does he know how to balance the Basal and use carb-counting for the Bolus? None of these are magic cures and I find my BS management difficult but it avoids the worst extremes

 

[Beepie]

Hello,

My husband has been diagnosed T1 for 12 years - the entirety of our relationship, we also have two children 6 & 5. In the last 3 years I feel diabetes has really affected him, and also our marriage. He doesn’t look after his health or manage his diabetes and often has ‘high’ or ‘low’ sugars. His mood fluctuates greatly and it causes arguments, and also makes me feel **** about myself as he can be quite unkind to me. This never happened in the beginning with his diabetes.

He loses his temper with the kids and has told me, and the doctor, he feels depressed. He’s been drinking a lot, using it as a crutch and has been trying to reduce how much he drinks, it’s another cause of argument. He’s recently started taking anti depressants too. I would like him to get some counselling which he has agreed to but done nothing about yet.

I am really struggling with the situation, and question the future of our marriage. I don’t know how much of it is diabetes triggered/related and how much is circumstantial stress chasing him to be depressed (he’s self employed and been struggling with his work, we’ve had financial worries & currently living with my parents to get straight which I know he is finding hard).

I am able to tell when his Sugars are high and ask him to check them (he has a CGM) and to take insulin but it just winds him up when I say that. I don’t know how else to go about it.

I’m wondering if there are any other partners of T1s who can offer any advice or support? Or if anyone can point me in the direction of some support? This forum is the first to place I’ve tried. Thank you x

Hello,

My husband has been diagnosed T1 for 12 years - the entirety of our relationship, we also have two children 6 & 5. In the last 3 years I feel diabetes has really affected him, and also our marriage. He doesn’t look after his health or manage his diabetes and often has ‘high’ or ‘low’ sugars. His mood fluctuates greatly and it causes arguments, and also makes me feel **** about myself as he can be quite unkind to me. This never happened in the beginning with his diabetes.

He loses his temper with the kids and has told me, and the doctor, he feels depressed. He’s been drinking a lot, using it as a crutch and has been trying to reduce how much he drinks, it’s another cause of argument. He’s recently started taking anti depressants too. I would like him to get some counselling which he has agreed to but done nothing about yet.

I am really struggling with the situation, and question the future of our marriage. I don’t know how much of it is diabetes triggered/related and how much is circumstantial stress chasing him to be depressed (he’s self employed and been struggling with his work, we’ve had financial worries & currently living with my parents to get straight which I know he is finding hard).

I am able to tell when his Sugars are high and ask him to check them (he has a CGM) and to take insulin but it just winds him up when I say that. I don’t know how else to go about it.

I’m wondering if there are any other partners of T1s who can offer any advice or support? Or if anyone can point me in the direction of some support? This forum is the first to place I’ve tried. Thank you x

Hi. I recognise myself in what you’ve said . I have been type 1 for 49 years and for the first 10 or so years I was kicking back and refusing to admit what I thought was a failing. Try to stick with it and encourage him if you can .The moods are definitely caused by his bloods being uncontrollable. Hope that helps

 

[Alexandra100]

In the last 3 years I feel diabetes has really affected him, and also our marriage. He doesn’t look after his health or manage his diabetes and often has ‘high’ or ‘low’ sugars. His mood fluctuates greatly and it causes arguments, and also makes me feel **** about myself as he can be quite unkind to me. This never happened in the beginning with his diabetes.

He loses his temper with the kids

What you are describing reminds me forcefully of a passage from Dr Richard K Bernstein's book "Diabetes Solution", much of which he has made available free:
http://www.diabetes-book.com/bernstein-life-with-diabetes/
" It was at about this time, in 1969, that my wife, a physician, pointed out to me that I had spent much of my life going into, experiencing, or recovering from hypoglycemia, which is a state of excessively low blood sugar. It was usually accompanied by fatigue and headaches, and was caused by the unpredictable action of the large doses of insulin I was taking to cover my high-carbohydrate diet. During such episodes, I became confused and unruly and snapped at people. These frequent hypoglycemic episodes had taken their toll upon my parents, and were taking their toll upon my wife and children. The strain on my family was clearly becoming untenable."
It was after this that Dr B pioneered the use of a blood glucose meter at home and also realised the value of a low carb diet, leading to transforming his body and health. His marriage survived many years, until the recent death of his wife.
Clearly your family's position is tragic for everyone concerned. I absolutely can't advise, other than to encourage you not to feel guilty if you feel obliged to flee an impossible situation.

 

[NicoleC1971]

I feel for you as it seems there's a lot on the line right now and I can hear your anger and frustration that your husband seemingly can't pull himself out of his rut and won't respect you and his family enough to look after himself. You sound angry as well as lonely with this so maybe it is you that could with help from good friends/family or professionally if those aren't available?
As for a type 1 it is normal too feel overwhelm/burnout followed by guilt which then translates into anger (nobody gets how hard this is and how impossible this is to fix) and/or depression (feeling hopeless and sad about his inability to get his act together). Drinking is a good temporary way to blot out the feelings.
He has had type 1 for 12 years so I suspect he does know what needs to be done and won't welcome technical suggestions from you but you can ask what he needs from you to make your family work better. Try and remain positive and calm rather than recriminatory or threatening.
When I felt helpless just hearing my husband say that he empathised but also really wanted me to get some help did eventually sink in and I was able to access some therapy and a crutch (anti depressants). I got help via the diabetes clinic because they are so familiar with the issues with managing chronic illness and the negative effects of poor mental health on physical health (and vice versa in fact).
You can't fix this for him or guilt trip him into action but you can lay it on the line for him that it is unacceptable to you to continue in this way and mean it.