How do you cope with a partners diabetes
- Thread starter deebee59
- Start Date
CathyN
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 248
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
- Dislikes
- prejudice, racism, complacency, ignorance
Hi
I'm guessing that your partner may be newly diagnosed?? If so, this can feel like quite a bombshell. Diabetes becomes the focus of life (and in a sense, it HAS to become the focus whilst you and your partner learn about what it means to be diabetic and how to deal with being diabetic). Many newly diagnosed diabetics report feelings of depression/anxiety/stress because, basically, it is a big deal and has life changing consequences. And yes, we can feel a bit sorry for ourselves now and again!
So - Patience. Understanding. Showing an interest. Taking on board the fact that diabetes can result in serious health problems and your partner is right to have worries.Taking those worries seriously.
Encouraging your partner that with the right approach, these complications can be avoided and that many diabetics live long, healthy and active lives. As your partner's control improves the focus will gently shift away from the panic of first diagnosis, and 'normal' life will resume - maybe even improved, as diagnosis is a positive thing in many people's eyes as it helps you to make great changes that make you feel fantastic instead of poorly.
However, if your partner is not newly diagnosed and the diabetes is limiting your life together, then that's a serious issue for both of you. Perhaps he/she needs professional help or councelling?
Properly managed diabetes should not impact upon a normal active and healthy life.
All the best, and hope you resolve your problem.
I'm guessing that your partner may be newly diagnosed?? If so, this can feel like quite a bombshell. Diabetes becomes the focus of life (and in a sense, it HAS to become the focus whilst you and your partner learn about what it means to be diabetic and how to deal with being diabetic). Many newly diagnosed diabetics report feelings of depression/anxiety/stress because, basically, it is a big deal and has life changing consequences. And yes, we can feel a bit sorry for ourselves now and again!
So - Patience. Understanding. Showing an interest. Taking on board the fact that diabetes can result in serious health problems and your partner is right to have worries.Taking those worries seriously.
Encouraging your partner that with the right approach, these complications can be avoided and that many diabetics live long, healthy and active lives. As your partner's control improves the focus will gently shift away from the panic of first diagnosis, and 'normal' life will resume - maybe even improved, as diagnosis is a positive thing in many people's eyes as it helps you to make great changes that make you feel fantastic instead of poorly.
However, if your partner is not newly diagnosed and the diabetes is limiting your life together, then that's a serious issue for both of you. Perhaps he/she needs professional help or councelling?
Properly managed diabetes should not impact upon a normal active and healthy life.
All the best, and hope you resolve your problem.
With understanding and patience. It will have come as a big shock to him and he'll be in denial and not want to face up to it.. Some men don't have the ability to see things the same way as we would do and would treat diabetes as a serious illness.
There's two diabetics in my household, one male the other female and yes there is a difference in our attitudes. I battle through, whilst he has bouts of wallowing in self pity.. I usually find a swift verbal kick up the rear with words to the effect of 'You aren't the only diabetic in the world' usually snaps him out of it.
There's two diabetics in my household, one male the other female and yes there is a difference in our attitudes. I battle through, whilst he has bouts of wallowing in self pity.. I usually find a swift verbal kick up the rear with words to the effect of 'You aren't the only diabetic in the world' usually snaps him out of it.
My partner was diagnosed 8 years ago and in the beginning thought it was something that could be cured with a course of pills. He is on medication for depression and has been for as long as he has been diabetic. I am a very caring and understanding person and have tried really hard, have stepped back and said nothing just listened, have tried to encourage healthy eating, taken on more excercise myself with him... But no matter what I do it's nagging... I honestly feel that I am watching him die... He is only 54... And it's like he has given up.. I do understand its not easy for him and that there's a lot to come to terms with.. But how can I help him if he won't help himself...
CathyN
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 248
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
- Dislikes
- prejudice, racism, complacency, ignorance
Dear deebee59
It sounds like a really difficult situation you're in - and I know how hard it is to watch someone in such a negative spiral, that just gets worse and worse (there is alcoholism in my family). It sounds as if you have done and said just about everything you can to support and encourage him.
You say it's as if he's given up. Do you think he has?
Unfortunately, the depressing outcomes he imagines will be much more likely whilst he remains negative and fails to help himself.
Does he ever come on this forum? Would he? Could you persuade him?? He would then see for himself, that people with really serious problems are able to overcome them and get on with life. he could ask questions. He could say how he's feeling very anonymously. It might do him good.
You are right though - it's all down to helping himself. No matter what you say or do, he's got to want to help himself. It might be useful to talk to him about the fact that there is GOOD NEWS about diabetes. It isn't a terminal illness. It can be treated.
I'm sure after 8 years you have tried everything.
Hopefully you have also been able to express how you feel. I hope you have support and someone you can turn to. My Mum has the same issues with my dad who is Type 2 - he totally ignores it and she has to watch him eating all the wrong foods etc and feels like a nag if she says anything.
Maybe you could go to your doctor and explain the situation - you never know, he/she may offer some help/councelling. But I do feel that your partner needs to know how it is for you.........
At least you're on the forum, and can come on here for a rant anytime!
I really hope you make some progress. I hope your partner wakes up and starts to take care of himself.
Cathy N
It sounds like a really difficult situation you're in - and I know how hard it is to watch someone in such a negative spiral, that just gets worse and worse (there is alcoholism in my family). It sounds as if you have done and said just about everything you can to support and encourage him.
You say it's as if he's given up. Do you think he has?
Unfortunately, the depressing outcomes he imagines will be much more likely whilst he remains negative and fails to help himself.
Does he ever come on this forum? Would he? Could you persuade him?? He would then see for himself, that people with really serious problems are able to overcome them and get on with life. he could ask questions. He could say how he's feeling very anonymously. It might do him good.
You are right though - it's all down to helping himself. No matter what you say or do, he's got to want to help himself. It might be useful to talk to him about the fact that there is GOOD NEWS about diabetes. It isn't a terminal illness. It can be treated.
I'm sure after 8 years you have tried everything.
Hopefully you have also been able to express how you feel. I hope you have support and someone you can turn to. My Mum has the same issues with my dad who is Type 2 - he totally ignores it and she has to watch him eating all the wrong foods etc and feels like a nag if she says anything.
Maybe you could go to your doctor and explain the situation - you never know, he/she may offer some help/councelling. But I do feel that your partner needs to know how it is for you.........
At least you're on the forum, and can come on here for a rant anytime!
I really hope you make some progress. I hope your partner wakes up and starts to take care of himself.
Cathy N
Dear Cathy N
Thank you so much just for listening/reading my post... There are times when I feel so isolated. I have little contact with my family, and my partner is the same with his. After the shock of being told diabetes cannot be cured he seemed to adjusting to a lifestyle change. The Sugar aspect is major because he has the worse sweet tooth I know, and is worse than any woman I know where chocolate is involved. My attempts to make it easier was to stop buying sweets, biscuits etc, his answer to that was to buy it himself... And worse again he would eat it in bed. Sometimes it would be a 200g bar of cadburys chocolate, or honey roasted peanuts. While watching TV it would be half a litre of ice cream.
His smoking was always a big thing with his GP.. He had a shocking cough, smoked between 40 and 50 a day but would only admit to 15!! He was tested for angina, and COPD, when all the time it was a bout of undiagnosed pneumonia, but he was told the smoking has to stop or you will die, as his lungs had continued to deteriorate after the pneumonia.
We joined a gym together,am no angel myself on the food front and have spent my life from the age of 13 over weight... But I am not an ill person and I do eat extremely healthily 95% of the time. I take no medication for anything at all... Got a bit of arthritis but can live with that.
I love the excercise, he hates it. I didn't push it, just pointed out the long term advantages.
He has now given up smoking 3 times and each time has returned to it. This time it's been accompanied by a night out drinking, and the following day he is absolutely out of it... No good to any one. It often takes him 2-3 days to recover fully. All the time I worry...
He won't do counselling or forums... Even though I believe he knows a lot of what people say is right.
We both have first hand experience of diabetes within the family. My father suffered the onset of Chronic Diabetes following an accident aged 16 which left him in a coma. The diabetes although well controlled took his life at 36, with multiple organ failure. My partners father developed Type 2 diabetes in his 60s, and like my partner refused to change his lifestyle.. Causing many complications including the loss of the toes on both feet, and many hospital stays to try and bring his diabetes under control. He sadly passed away on Valentines Day 2012 as a result of Prostate Cancer.
I am at my wits end to be honest.. I feel lost and very alone... Every aspect of our relationship has suffered since the diabetes and depression.
It helps immensely just knowing that someone hears me.. Thank you.
Thank you so much just for listening/reading my post... There are times when I feel so isolated. I have little contact with my family, and my partner is the same with his. After the shock of being told diabetes cannot be cured he seemed to adjusting to a lifestyle change. The Sugar aspect is major because he has the worse sweet tooth I know, and is worse than any woman I know where chocolate is involved. My attempts to make it easier was to stop buying sweets, biscuits etc, his answer to that was to buy it himself... And worse again he would eat it in bed. Sometimes it would be a 200g bar of cadburys chocolate, or honey roasted peanuts. While watching TV it would be half a litre of ice cream.
His smoking was always a big thing with his GP.. He had a shocking cough, smoked between 40 and 50 a day but would only admit to 15!! He was tested for angina, and COPD, when all the time it was a bout of undiagnosed pneumonia, but he was told the smoking has to stop or you will die, as his lungs had continued to deteriorate after the pneumonia.
We joined a gym together,am no angel myself on the food front and have spent my life from the age of 13 over weight... But I am not an ill person and I do eat extremely healthily 95% of the time. I take no medication for anything at all... Got a bit of arthritis but can live with that.
I love the excercise, he hates it. I didn't push it, just pointed out the long term advantages.
He has now given up smoking 3 times and each time has returned to it. This time it's been accompanied by a night out drinking, and the following day he is absolutely out of it... No good to any one. It often takes him 2-3 days to recover fully. All the time I worry...
He won't do counselling or forums... Even though I believe he knows a lot of what people say is right.
We both have first hand experience of diabetes within the family. My father suffered the onset of Chronic Diabetes following an accident aged 16 which left him in a coma. The diabetes although well controlled took his life at 36, with multiple organ failure. My partners father developed Type 2 diabetes in his 60s, and like my partner refused to change his lifestyle.. Causing many complications including the loss of the toes on both feet, and many hospital stays to try and bring his diabetes under control. He sadly passed away on Valentines Day 2012 as a result of Prostate Cancer.
I am at my wits end to be honest.. I feel lost and very alone... Every aspect of our relationship has suffered since the diabetes and depression.
It helps immensely just knowing that someone hears me.. Thank you.
Indy51
Expert
- Messages
- 5,540
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Diet only
It sounds to me like your partner is in serious need of counselling. I'd be very surprised if there was anything you could do to turn things around with self-destructive behaviour that is so entrenched. It must be very hard for you but I truly think you need to put your own needs first. Unfortunately what people tell themselves is a self-fulfilling prophecy and all his self-talk is negative.
CBT can be very helpful, but if he won't agree to go, it's hard to know what to suggest. It is absolutely impossible to help anyone who isn't ready to be helped or to change.
Not sure if the following will help but it's a very good site for negative self-talk, addiction and other CBT principles (I turn the "music" off at the earliest opportunity :crazy
:
http://www.skysite.org/index.htm
You might find the one on setting boundaries useful (it's his problem, not yours):
http://www.skysite.org/boundaries.html
Also helpful with addiction is the guide to irrational thinking:
http://www.skysite.org/irrational.html
Best wishes,
CBT can be very helpful, but if he won't agree to go, it's hard to know what to suggest. It is absolutely impossible to help anyone who isn't ready to be helped or to change.
Not sure if the following will help but it's a very good site for negative self-talk, addiction and other CBT principles (I turn the "music" off at the earliest opportunity :crazy
:http://www.skysite.org/index.htm
You might find the one on setting boundaries useful (it's his problem, not yours):
http://www.skysite.org/boundaries.html
Also helpful with addiction is the guide to irrational thinking:
http://www.skysite.org/irrational.html
Best wishes,
izzzi
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 4,207
- Type of diabetes
- Treatment type
- Diet only
Hi, Deebee59
Oddly enough I am in a slightly opposite situation in which my adult children are treating me as if I have a serious illness.
Its not as bad as you think as they mean well and have come up with some great ideas that help.
My wife is more down to earth and uses her comman sense.
Your husbands medication for depression is not working and this may be a problem that need extra attention.
Also consideration must be given to help you in this awkward situation as it is badly affecting you.
You are putting up with far to much of your husbands self inflicted (cigs and alc problem.
This worry to you has gone to far, and someone is being totally unfair to you and the sooner he gets the message the better both of you.
best wishes and health to you .
Roy,
Oddly enough I am in a slightly opposite situation in which my adult children are treating me as if I have a serious illness.
Its not as bad as you think as they mean well and have come up with some great ideas that help.
My wife is more down to earth and uses her comman sense.
Your husbands medication for depression is not working and this may be a problem that need extra attention.
Also consideration must be given to help you in this awkward situation as it is badly affecting you.
You are putting up with far to much of your husbands self inflicted (cigs and alc
problem. This worry to you has gone to far, and someone is being totally unfair to you and the sooner he gets the message the better both of you.
best wishes and health to you .
Roy,
CathyN
Well-Known Member
- Messages
- 248
- Type of diabetes
- Type 2
- Treatment type
- Tablets (oral)
- Dislikes
- prejudice, racism, complacency, ignorance
Hi again deebee
Just on the topic of your husband's sweet tooth ....... you may already have tried this, so apologies if you have - but there are recipes on this forum for great sweet/chocolatey treats that are tailor made for diabetics. They are in the low carb diet forum. There are some great alternative chocolate brownies/cookies/cakes etc all made with low carb/sugar ingredients. Most of them have a sugar alternative like Splenda in them - but they are so much better than say, a bar of dairymilk or a tub of ice cream! If you made a few of these, he wouldn't have to be nipping out to the shops to satisfy his sweet tooth!
I'm aware that this is still you having to make the effort on his behalf .........
Look after yourself - and stay on the forum!!
Cathy N
Just on the topic of your husband's sweet tooth ....... you may already have tried this, so apologies if you have - but there are recipes on this forum for great sweet/chocolatey treats that are tailor made for diabetics. They are in the low carb diet forum. There are some great alternative chocolate brownies/cookies/cakes etc all made with low carb/sugar ingredients. Most of them have a sugar alternative like Splenda in them - but they are so much better than say, a bar of dairymilk or a tub of ice cream! If you made a few of these, he wouldn't have to be nipping out to the shops to satisfy his sweet tooth!
I'm aware that this is still you having to make the effort on his behalf .........
Look after yourself - and stay on the forum!!
Cathy N
