Problem with friend over my diabetes

[titchy_lou]

I'm not sure how far my depressive state relates to my diabetes, but something diabetes-related has tipped me over the edge tonight, and I actually don't know what to do or say anymore...

My friend is getting married in December, and she asked me to be a bridesmaid. All is fine and dandy. Last week, she sent details of her hen weekend...a weekend in Bath, one day of which is dedicated to chocolate making and tasting. Obviously, having diabetes, this is my worst nightmare. I loved chocolate before I had diabetes.

I said that I would just do a bit of sightseeing while they were doing the chocolate making, and would enjoy the rest of the weekend doing whatever with them...her reply was "can't you have some chocolate and inject a little more insulin". My grandad killed himself a year ago, as a result of abusing his body, I'm not going to kill myself.

As a result of me standing up for myself, my 'friend' is now implying she doesn't want me to be a bridesmaid.

I don't expect people who don't have diabetes to fully understand the ins and outs of the disease, but I do expect 'friends' to show a little compassion for those who can't eat what they want, have to inject themselves every time they eat, and just have to care for their bodies.

I do understand that I could join in with the chocolate day, but I'm REALLY struggling with my everyday diabetes, without having to think about being naughty, and I shouldn't have to do something that's only going to make me feel more down about my diabetes. It's not as if I've said I can't go at all :'(




Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[Yorksman]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

As a result of me standing up for myself, my 'friend' is now implying she doesn't want me to be a bridesmaid.

Sounds to me like your 'friend' is suffering more than just a bout of ignorance. Did she throw herself on the floor, beat her fists and kick her feet against the ground and wail, 'it's not fair'? Pity her future husband.

She's a baby and obviously does not have the foggiest idea of what having a mature approach is. You do. Is she really trying emotional blackmail to the level of putting your health at risk because of her own little dreams of a fairy tale wedding? Your suggestion of going sightseeing is spot on. What does it matter to her if you are absent for a short while. You have every reason to feel disappointed but it's your friend you should be disappointed in, not yourself. She's just immature.

 

[titchy_lou]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Thank you for replying to this, I was half expecting a load of replies, telling me to just go along with the chocolate tasting, and that it didn't mean I'd have to eat any.

I've tried so hard to get through to her, we've had a lot of discussions over diabetes. Thinks this proves she really didn't care at all.


Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[coco4]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Hi titchy_lou sending you a big hug of reassurance that your reaction to and what you say about your friend is so right. I would feel exactly the same as you do. You are taking the responsible and mature approach by safe guarding your health and peace of mind while being caring and considerate being prepared to go sightseeing and in my mind not taking any of the fun out of the occasion for your friend and others in the party. I'm not sure if some people do it on purpose, but I had a friend bake me a tropical cake last year for my birthday. i saw the recipe and saw how much sugar and flour went into it and couldn't believe she had done this especially as she knows very well that even before being diagnosed as a diabetic I was never fond of cakes and sweets so why do it now. This same friend also invited me to lunch on boxing day last year and served roasted salmon in a sugary orange glaze. I just refused it politely and ate the vegetables. I felt as though I had ruined the friendship, but rather that the put my health at risk x

 

[titchy_lou]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Hi titchy_lou sending you a big hug of reassurance that your reaction to and what you say about your friend is so right. I would feel exactly the same as you do. You are taking the responsible and mature approach by safe guarding your health and peace of mind while being caring and considerate being prepared to go sightseeing and in my mind not taking any of the fun out of the occasion for your friend and others in the party. I'm not sure if some people do it on purpose, but I had a friend bake me a tropical cake last year for my birthday. i saw the recipe and saw how much sugar and flour went into it and couldn't believe she had done this especially as she knows very well that even before being diagnosed as a diabetic I was never fond of cakes and sweets so why do it now. This same friend also invited me to lunch on boxing day last year and served roasted salmon in a sugary orange glaze. I just refused it politely and ate the vegetables. I felt as though I had ruined the friendship, but rather that the put my health at risk x

Do you mind me asking if you're still friends with this person?


Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[dawnmc]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Can't add any more Lou, just sending hugs. You must be feeling hurt and upset.

 

[titchy_lou]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Well, this friendship is apparently over


Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[Lenny3]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

She obviously wasn't a true friend then. I know how it feels, I had a 'friend' that one day just stopped talking to me, I was baffled, apparently she had taken offense at a comment I made, but instead of talking to me about it like a grown up she just started putting strange comments on facebook. Needless to say I haven't spoken to her since. People like that like to think the world revolves around them.

Shes probably quite spoilt if she can't deal with the fact that you have a life threatening condition and can't always be at her beck and call. I think it's shameful. You didn't ask her to change the activity for the day, but said you'd see them after it. There is no problem with that.

You may find it wierd for a while, but eventually you will see that she wasn't supportive of you. Who knows maybe she will come to her senses and apologise. Just try not to worry about it, it's her issue not yours.

 

[Sid Bonkers]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I think your friend is making something out of nothing but to some degree feel that you are too, I would just go along and when it comes to the tasting simply say "no thanks, I'm diabetic so cant handle sugar well, you have a bit for me", or something like that, its only going to be for a few hours or something, just go and enjoy yourself in the company of your friends and have a good time. You cant live like a hermit all your life avoiding the things you shouldnt eat.

Given the circumstances I'm sure your friends would understand and even be sympathetic but by saying you wont go is not very diplomatic IMHO.

You might be amazed at how good you can feel about yourself by courteously refusing the tasting and then watching your friends fill their faces with fat

Use these situations to help reinforce your new lifestyle, it really is possible to re wire your brain into thinking differently about food, if you can do this it will empower you and you will feel great about yourself

Try it I promise you it can work.

 

[eveshamgal]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Sorry to say it but I think you are both behaving badly. This is your friends hen weekend. Getting married is supposed to be that happiest time if your life. Not a time where you fall out with friends.

What if you went to the wedding and had to watch her cut her cake. Would you throw a strop about not being able to eat any of it?

We can't expect everyone to work their whole life around OUR illness. We have to develop ways of coping.

Having said that she could have accepted that you didn't want to be part of that and could have met up with them afterwards.

It seems such a shame that a friendship has ended over such a small thing.

Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[mo1905]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Whilst I feel bad for you, I must admit, blaming others ignorance of diabetes is a little unfair
Ask yourself honestly, how much did you know about diabetes before you were diagnosed with it and began swatting up on it ? Myself, I am type 1 and recently diagnosed and I am now a sponge reading up all I can. Prior to this, I was just as ignorant as most people who are not suffering with the disease. Would you know all the information about other diseases and how they affect lives ? Not me ! Again, I do feel for you but sometimes you just need to think back to before you were diagnosed. It maybe that she genuinely thought a one off chocolate tasting would not be that bad. Sorry if you don't like my reply :roll:

 

[titchy_lou]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I'm not expecting non-diabetics to have a fountain of knowledge, I'm just saying that if I say I can't do something, because it would be a danger to my health, then people should respect that, surely?


Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[angieG]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

The chocolate making and tasting company where this event is being held, do they do high cocoa content dark chocolate or even as a last resort diabetic chocolate? (I know the latter is not recommended but as a one off).
If they do you could possibly arrange to do your session with these lower carb options and thus not put your health at so much risk.
Maybe an enquiry to the company to see if this would be feasible and then you could join in, just make sure you don't over indulge. It may help them to be aware there could be other options they could offer for those unable to eat a lot of chocolate and so help others in similar situations.
I would hope if your friendship is a good one this would not end it. Emotions are often very stressed when trying to organise big life-changing events such as weddings so maybe your friend is struggling to cope with it all and can't cope with folks trying to change her plans or not fitting in with it all.

I hope you manage to sort all this out and if you want the friendship to continue that you can get it resolved.
Good luck
Angie

 

[Squire Fulwood]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I think the trouble here is that you can't resist chocolate and going to the event will result in you eating some. There is one course of action that might work.

Show some eagerness about the event and go to it. Don't eat any of it and therefore show a bit of self control and if anyone notices you not eating chocolate explain that you have an allergy to it but came because you wanted to help celebrate (insert friends name)'s wedding.

(insert friends name) may be aware of your difficulty and if she helps you through it she is still a friend. If she taunts you then be found washing your hair on wedding day.

 

[catherinecherub]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Hi titchy,

I think you should re-read your original post and the title you used. Ignorance can mean a lack of knowledge which could apply to a vast number of non diabetics. If your friend was to develop an illness or chronic condition I am sure you would not spend all your leisure time reading up on it but just skim the surface. I think you need your heads banging together.

I may be wrong but I think you are still grieving for your grandfather, which is making it difficult for you to move forward and there is an element of depression creeping in too. You seem to see your diabetes as a possible death sentence and a need to keep on the straight and narrow at all times. As others have said, go to the event and socialise with the others. You do not have to eat copious amounts of chocolate, just being part of the gang is what it is all about.

Why not invite your friend out for a drink or cook her a meal and thrash this out to both of your satisfaction. She is probably as upset as you are over all this unnecessary upset.

Take care and I hope it all works out.

CC.

 

[Yorksman]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I had an american friend who told me that he had sent some Hershey Bars to a girl in Belgium. I didn't get the chance to say "oh no, tell me you didn't," before he continued, "she simply asked why I had sent her some compressed camel dung".

When I was a student I worked in the Melangeur at Rowntree Macks in York. Chocolate making ain't all its cracked up to be and the most interesting aspects, at the time, were things like why the chocolate on UK KitKats were different from Export KitKats. Guess which one had added bleach.

 

[hanadr]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

A tiny bit of dark chocolate won't hurt you. It may even be good for you.I eat a square of chocolate EVERY day. It's my daily treat.
Diabetes doesn't have to isolate you from your friends, although sometimes things can be difficult. Am I right in thinking you are very young?
If your friend really doesn't want you as a bridesmaid after this, she's no friend and thus no loss. A true friend will support you as you must support her. It is her big day and she, not your diabetes, needs to be centre stage. Having more insulin isn't the only way to deal with food, although to listen to most Healthcare professionals you would think so. Still it's the TOTAL amount of carb you have that's critical You can reduce it by just having micro portions.
I think you need to talk to a psychological counsellor.
Hana

 

[Robinredbreast]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

Hi titchy,

I think you should re-read your original post and the title you used. Ignorance can mean a lack of knowledge which could apply to a vast number of non diabetics. If your friend was to develop an illness or chronic condition I am sure you would not spend all your leisure time reading up on it but just skim the surface. I think you need your heads banging together.

I may be wrong but I think you are still grieving for your grandfather, which is making it difficult for you to move forward and there is an element of depression creeping in too. You seem to see your diabetes as a possible death sentence and a need to keep on the straight and narrow at all times. As others have said, go to the event and socialise with the others. You do not have to eat copious amounts of chocolate, just being part of the gang is what it is all about.

Why not invite your friend out for a drink or cook her a meal and thrash this out to both of your satisfaction. She is probably as upset as you are over all this unnecessary upset.

Take care and I hope it all works out.

CC.

I agree with Catherine here. After reading the post a couple of times, your friend did suggest you take a little exta insulin to cover any chocolate that you might have. So her response was a fair and accurate one. But please don't fall out over this, she didn't appear to say anything nasty at the time,it is her Wedding and I'm sure she is really trying to cater for all of her friends that go. Try and sort it out if you can and hopefully you will both be able to put this 'misunderstanding' in the past and rekindle your friendship.
I just wanted to add that if you are feeling low or down anyway, the smallest thing can soon snowball out of control.

Take care with my very best wishes RRB

 

[titchy_lou]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I think your friend is making something out of nothing but to some degree feel that you are too, I would just go along and when it comes to the tasting simply say "no thanks, I'm diabetic so cant handle sugar well, you have a bit for me", or something like that, its only going to be for a few hours or something, just go and enjoy yourself in the company of your friends and have a good time. You cant live like a hermit all your life avoiding the things you shouldnt eat.

Given the circumstances I'm sure your friends would understand and even be sympathetic but by saying you wont go is not very diplomatic IMHO.

You might be amazed at how good you can feel about yourself by courteously refusing the tasting and then watching your friends fill their faces with fat

Use these situations to help reinforce your new lifestyle, it really is possible to re wire your brain into thinking differently about food, if you can do this it will empower you and you will feel great about yourself

Try it I promise you it can work.

It's an all day thing, so I think I'd be bored stiff! I also don't know anyone else who will be there, so this would be difficult for me. I'm trying to make it not a big deal, by asking to talk to her about this situation. She doesn't want that. I thought I was being diplomatic by agreeing to take part in everythjng else. They're doing cocktail making, and ill be there, even though I can't drink.


Diabetes type 1.5
Diagnosed September 2011
Currently on basal insulin

 

[Yorksman]

Re: Ignorance of non-diabetics

I thought I was being diplomatic by agreeing to take part in everythjng else. They're doing cocktail making, and ill be there, even though I can't drink.

That's how I understood the situation. Firstly, this isn't the main event it's just the hen do and secondly, your not absenting yourself from all of it, just one part of it. Thirdly, your friend already knows that you are diabetic and, in my opinion, she ought to make allowances. What does it matter to her if you have your reasons for not being there? It's not as if you are putting her in an awkward position. Some poor sods get told by their guests 'I'm not coming if so and so is coming' and so on'. That's putting a dampener on procedings and a strain on relationships, but not piece of chocolate, that's nothing to her.