Trying so hard but it's not enough

[SewK8]

Sorry for the 'poor me' post but its 12.30am and I feel so let down, hated and worthless. I feel let down by my body, hated because what I am doing is never enough and worthless because no matter how hard I try, nothing works.
I have always struggled with my control and have never really had the support from the medical profession. But all that has changed this yr and I have a great team helping me. I have done DAFNE, seen dieticians, test 5 times aday. Am happy with my adjustments but its still not working.
I am coming up to my 29th diaversary and my 40th birthday, and I have had enough now.
I am being assessed for a pump in Tuesday, which is great, but today I saw my optician as they have had trouble getting my glasses correct for me, and was told and have very many new bleeds in both eyes, many in central vision and that I have extensive damage. He said I really need to control my diabetes and things will be ok. But I am already trying so bloody hard !
I had laser to both eyes 11 yrs ago and have been stable since with no bleeds, and now this.
I don't know where to turn. I am fed up with people thinking life as a type 1 is easy and that just trying harder will make it all better. It doesn't and I don't know how much more I can take.
Normal life is very stressfull too and coping with each day is so hard.

I want to cry but feel ashamed of myself for being such a let down.

I want someone to say it will all be ok, but nobody can say that. Just one day off would be good, just no bad health for one day.

Kat




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[Juicyj]

Hiya Kat - firstly here's a very big hug.. please don't feel ashamed, crying is a good release. I hope there is someone with you there to support you.

It's so difficult keeping on top of this - the endless cycle of type 1 really is a pain in the backside, then add into the mix, attempting to lead a 'normal' life, hold down a job, maintain good health etc etc and it's no wonder we get down.

I know you wrote this late last night but I do think at the end of the day we can beat ourselves up so much, so hopefully with a good night's sleep you will wake up and feel better this morning.

If you're not feeling better then speak to your doctor about getting some support, mentally, with this, whether it's medication or a support group for people with long term medical conditions.

You have done incredibly well this year to turn your situation around, and the pump will help a huge amount, but until you are trained and fitted with it then think about just having some support in the meantime ? If you need someone to off load to then just drop me a PM and we can chat, you're not alone and it will get better x

 

[blink]

Hi know how you feel i have had the same issues of lack of help (diabetic doctor seems to think if i just try a bit harder i will manage to stabilise my levels, a year and a half later and still getting the same 'advice') well done for sorting things out as much as you have so far this year hopefully this will be the turnaround that leads to a more steady control if you need a moan you can always have one on here

 

[pumppimp]

Hi Kat,
A big cuddle from me as well, Well done for getting as far as you have, don't be feeling ashamed because it's a really hard job. With your eyes it may be that your improved control is actually what's made them worse. My HbA1c went from the 14's down to the 8's within a couple of months from having the pump and that's what gave me eye problems. However now I've been fixed up with my improved control I don't have any eye problems. It does get better, if you're having any specific problems let us know and you might get a few suggestions you've not tried yet. The more testing you do the better, well done for getting up to 5 a day, I always struggle to remember and end up guessing a lot, but the more you test the more information you have to sort your levels out. Good luck there's always people here to dish out cyber cuddles when you want a rant.
Laura

 

[Worried123]

I had a really rubbish team at my local hospital I asked around and found out the diabetes team at a different hospital was much Better and even had some really practical solutions to maintain good control. I felt so let down by my diabetes team I requested a referral to the other hospital via my GP best decision I have ever made my only regret is I wish I had done it sooner as fell pregnant on far from ideal hb1ac now worried sick all the time ... Sounds a bit drastic I know but sometimes the grass is greener on the other side
Do you do much exercise?? light walking every day increases blood flow and improves sensitivity to insulin
Also reducing carb intake can help
Don't despair you will get there
Good luck xxxx


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[SamJB]

Kat, I was a bit like you. Tried my hardest with DAFNE, but couldn't get the results I wanted - the best I could do was to get into the 7s for HbA1c. I switched to low carbing and now my HbA1c is in the low 6s, I can't recommend it enough - it makes good control easy. Since I've done that my retinopathy has disappeared.

If you're interested then buy Richard Bernstein's Diabetes Diet book, it goes into low carbing. Also worth buying is Gary Scheiner's Think Like a Pancreas. It goes into a lot of detail on calculating insulin doses, much more than a course like DAFNE.

 

[Daibell]

Hi. I agree with SamJB's post. You don't say whether you are having to inject more and more units or whether you are over or normal weight? Many insulin posters on the forum who are having to inject large amounts of insulin and not controlling their sugars turn out to be overweight and hence insulin resistant as well as being T1. This can cause a vicious circle. I may be wrong but if you are trying to lose weight then do keep carbs and portion sizes down as it's the only way to break that vicious circle. I set myself a target of around 150 gm/day; not quite as tight as when I was just on tablets and really had to limit carbs. Do provide a bit more info if you can with regard to diet, insulin units and so on. I'm sure there is a good way forward for you and many of us can try to help thru our own experience. BTW what diet advice did the dieticians give you? Meanwhile take care and come back with more info so we can try to help further.

 

[claymic]

Not type 1 but sending hugs your way!

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[SewK8]

Hello
Thank you everyone for the support.
Roll on tomorrow and hope the magic pump helps if I get funding.

My diet is very odd. I have gallbladder issues so am on a zero / low fat diet. I have a hiatus hernia so have to have very bland food. I suffer with migraines which some foods trigger and I have limited mobility due to having foot surgery last year that went wrong resulting in the bone not healing and having to have bone grafts this year. I am just about taking the dg for a walk nowadays but that is very hard.
I try to do stretches and am trying to shift my weight that has ballooned since the foot op last year and not being able to exercise.
I have just printed my readings off ready for tomorrow and I test 7 times a day. adjust well but keep having random spasms of highs. I am also hypo unaware now which is another reason why the hospital want me to run a bit higher, my average reading is 10.4. (DSN wants me to be between 8 and 12 till I get some awareness back)

I would welcome any help with diet as I find food controls my life (hand in hand with diabetes) and just don't know what to do.

Thanks again

Kat xx

 

[dawnmc]

Can I suggest you tube for exercise, if you look there they have seated exercises, and if you get a pair of dumbbells that will help even more.

 

[noblehead]

Hello
Thank you everyone for the support.
Roll on tomorrow and hope the magic pump helps if I get funding.

You do sound like an ideal candidate for a pump Kat with all your problems and especially your hypo unawareness, try and push the fact that your diabetic retinopathy has got worse and it's paramount that you get your bg under control.

Good luck for tomorrow!

 

[sjb2610]

Hi Kat

I can fully sympathise - I've been type 1 for nearly 21 years. Went through a bit of a bad stage through my teens then pulled it back. Was at the hospital last week and was told that exercise is the magic cure and that I've managed a HbA1C of 7.2 - but that was 3 years ago.

I think what then made it worse for me was that the hospital then asked me what I thought I should be doing. If I knew that don't they think I would be trying it??

And then this week, I think I've annoyed my DSN by telling her I thought clinic visits were becoming a complete waste of time............

But the important thing is not to give up. No-one ever told us life as a diabetic would be easy

Sharon

 

[pipwizard]

Hun dont worry how you feel I get the same ive only been a diabetic for 2 years ive been telling my doc that 2 tabs isnt enough at the mo but he says im ok bla bla but bloods are going up and they do go down but im back to square one I think docs should listen to how we feel at the end of the day were the ones that can tell them what were feeling .

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[sheepareevil]

I hope that things are looking a bit better for you. I read somewhere that controlling diabetes is like having a full time job, on top of other work and trying to live a life. I hope that the pump helps you and that your hypo awareness returns (I don't think I could cope without my hypo awareness - I would get too freaked out).
Don't be ashamed/worried about crying we are all dealing with a horrible illness that unless you are diabetic is very hard to understand. If I am having a bad day I sit in a room listening to "angry music" and allow myself to cry for a bit, before getting on with the rest of life - you need to have a release.
Hope you feel better!