Terminal and Scared

[Kat100]

Hi Kevin, I don't have enough words to express what you must be going though, but I think you are indeed very brave....sending you positive thoughts....x

 

[Janiept]

This post has been with me all day, its so powerful, it is such a strong lesson to us, I feel so awful for you, I agree its a very brave thing to do posting this, I will never forget this post and use it as inspiration when my resolve faulters, I dont pray but if i did you would be in them, very best of wishes and hope things can be turned around for you.

Andy

Hey Kevin,

Andy put it perfectly and I agree with what he says. Just one difference, I do pray and you and your family will be in my prayers each day.
Hang on in there and write as often as you need to. We all care. x

 

[vicky_l]

Hi Kevin

your heartfelt share has hit home and its heartbreaking to know your pain your condition and maybe only a miracle of God is left for you but thank you for your honest post sharing how we need individually take responsibility for our health ourselves so we dont end up with complications from diabetes

I am guilty of doing the what the heck only on Wednesday I ate a whole family pack of sweets and no idea why infact I bought something like 7 packets fortunately common sense or some survival instinct kicked in during eating the packet I mentioned and I arranged for a friend to collect the rest of the bought rubbish to be taken to a party venue and given as gifts of something

I often question why I do it from time to time but seems to be mindless and no real known reason as to my triggers

Thank you for sharing

I hope I can change in time I certainly will try

God bless you

xoxox

 

[WhitbyJet]

still thinking of you Kevin, wont forget you in a hurry.
Sending lots of positive thoughts, wishing for a miracle, who knows......just know there is lots of love and support out there for you and your family x

 

[Andy12345]

still thinking of you Kevin, wont forget you in a hurry.
Sending lots of positive thoughts, wishing for a miracle, who knows......just know there is lots of love and support out there for you and your family x

Yes Whitby is so right, but id like to add that i dont believe in destiny, being great is not in yours or anyones destiny, being great is a choice we make, choose to be great, choose to fight, choose to prove the doctors wrong and fight to live, its only impossible if you believe it is, to quote mcvicar, i might not win, but ill be the best f***ing second youve ever seen.

Andy

 

[kman]

Guys I'm so so sorry, I just s p ent OVER an hour writing a much bigger post even than the first, but Kindle Fire reset, lost it all, Handsnow way too PAINFUL and Stiff to do again, so I'll try again tomorrow, pleasekeep checking,

 

[saz1902]

So sorry to hear if your problems best wishes to you and your wonderful family. Thankyou for sharing your story and always feel free to chat and unload. Always here to listen x


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[kman]

LOST IT AGAIN, this machine is NOT for ultra long forum posts, too tired now, will try again later. ... May split into several smaller post one after the other,

I need a Secretary LOL. !

 

[equipoise]

Hi Kevin -- this is the last thing you need. Why not write it out as a normal text document, and then just select text and copy and paste it into the post? That way you still have the text and can keep pasting it until the post works.

 

[kman]

WOW such a lot of fantastic replies,so much love and support, so please if I forget to reply here, or by PM, or email, please forgive me, But folks to address a few common comments, If you have been keeping an eye on the thread you'll know I've had two attempts already at this post, but the kindle Fire HD , seems to go cuckoo after an hour's typing, resetting itself and me losing all the work,

I have many problems with my hands and typing on the touch screen, and please don't get me started on predictive typing. ... Grrrr !

Plus the Kindle Fire doesn't have a decent word processor, so earlier I trawled the App shop and found a workable text editor, and will type it, copy and paste to the forum,

So down to business, several of you have asked if anything can be done for me, well I hate being so blunt but I'm afraid the long and the short of it is NO, I can not be cured, or saved or a miracle happen, It's too late, my stupidity and stubbornness has left me with an impossible dream of having 2 years to make the most of with my wonderful family,

Don't worry, and don't get me wrong, I'm still fighting, still living the best life I can, and I have many many good times, and fabulous days, Yes I get lots more bad day, but you on the whole learn to live with the day to day problems, But something I really need to impress on you all,

This is my fault, this is 19 years of abusing my body, of eating whole family size bags of sweets, crisps chocolate, cream cakes, pastry, pies, . You get the idea, and now the consequences of the lack of exercising, lack of controlled dieting, not listening to medics and generally just abusing myself so much, Don't think it won't happen to you, look carefully at my posts, remember the 3 attempts at writing this post, the Pain, the stiffness, and the tired washed out, drained feeling,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, Don't make me something I'm not, I have never ever been brave, I'm not strong, or even that good a person, I AM an idiot, I DO need a kick up the butt, this IS my fault, Truth is I'm DYING because I didn't do enough to prevent it, and now time is slipping away rapidly,

BELIEVE me Guys and Gals, it creeps up on you, and very very suddenly your dead,

PROMISE me, Please,

Don't end up with a DNA of well over 40 mmols, Don't wait until there is two Drs waiting outside the doors of casualty for you to arrive with full Blues and Two's, again don't wait for a Sepsis so bad you go straight to YOU, avoid having to be Resuscitated twice, and the medics asking your sweet partner if she wants to make you DNR ( Do not allow to live, be less of a strain on our budget, we don't have the staff , it was self Inflicted anyway FATTY, ),

Don't spend 5 or 6 days in the ITU Hallucinating that the staff of Casualty are trying to kill you ( the TV program, older episodes, I was Patrick, one of the Drs, I know. ... I'm doolally, completely nuts,

It's not the Best way to experience the very very Best and the Worst of the medical and nursing professions, or to see the inside of half the wards in the hospital,

FOLKS even using the text editor the Kindle plays up,lost had I of it again, pain has overwhelmed me so forgive me,I'll be back later or tomorrow, at least you'll have time to take my story in,

 

[kman]

MODERATORS, if possible can you delete 1 copy of my previous post as I accidentally posted it twice ... Thanks.

 

[cott97]

I'm just starting my diabetes journey and the lure of chocolate is still high and its so easy to give in. Your posts have hit home so whenever I feel tempted I will read your last post. Meanwhile on the kindle fire look at quick office - if its not in the Amazon app store you can side load it - pm me if you need instructions. Its fully compatible with Microsoft office and the best I've tried

Cath

Sent from my Nexus 4 using DCUK Forum mobile app

 

[Andy12345]

i dont think you are alone in the self abuse, i think you have behaved like many including myself, i think you have been misfortunate enough to be so badly affected by you being naughty is all, dont be so hard on yourself mate, its very appreciated you coming on here to try and steer folks onto the right path by sharing your experiences of why we should try to follow a healthier route

best of luck


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[DonnaC-T]

Thank you so much for posting your story Kevin. I really am very sorry for what you're going through.
I had, until very recently, ignored my diabetes. It hit me on July that this is serious. I've been very good since although I have no idea what I'm doing yet!
Kevin, whether you feel it or not, your post has helped lots of people. Best wishes to you x

 

[kman]

A whole month, exactly one month, of your life, 4 operations, removal of a very nasty Abscess from the Palm of your hand, this thing had taken just 4 days to develop, Well now it would effect the rest of your life, skin, muscle and nerves all damaged, along with tendon damage, months of OT and Physio, uncomfortable splint worn for three months, meaning the use of your hand is pretty much nil for all of that time, and your very much Right handed, trying to dress, eat, write, even hold a book was definitely a different, and certainly frustrating experience,

Washing too, became extremely complicated, now try Wiping your Butt !

The pain levels are excruciating, and it's dawning on you just how much you've been through, but that's nothing to the hurt, the distress and the worry you now realise your dear wife has coped with, the look in her eyes, and she STILL loves you after all you've put her through,oh boy you decide then and there you WILL NOT ever put her through that again, you Will change !

And you hold on to that resolution, you try so hard, you cry yourself to sleep night after night because your so hungry,

Life in a hospital for a whole month is downright boring,frustrating, lonely, and your tearing your hair out, you know it's all a terrible strain on your wife, she's taking so much time off work, eventually she quits her job to be your full time carer, she sorts out benefits and visits once or twice a day, keeps home,walks the dog 4 or 5 Times a day, You finally realise she's SUPERWOMAN, and Superwoman loves YOU,

It's around this point you start falling a lot more than usual, your feinting, your very giddy and dizzy, even at times when sitting or lying down, constant nausea,

Tests, tests and more tests, scans, x-rays, more blood taken than any vampire could drink, oh yes, taking blood, and fitting cannulas, here you get your own back, but even watching Drs struggle to get any blood pales a bit after an hour of two senior Drs, one a consultant anesthetist, and an ultrasound machine, and 7 ... Yes Seven attempts to get a cannula into your veins, oh what a LOVELY day your having,

Well of course, eventually, the Infections, are all sorted, your Blood Sugars are still very high, despite never having anything you shouldn't, and the meagre even miserly portion sizes, . And you've lost almost 5 stone since just a month before your admission, this was not diet, but your body breaking down,

You should have known, just how I'll you were, you should have realised just how poorly you were, even the holes in your brain (Stroke at 35), even then you hadn't started looking after yourself, you really are stupid, thick and dumb, hey this is not for sympathy, or being hard on yourself, No this is the cold hard truth, you would not be in this position, all the pain etc, . if only you'd learned,

When some tall 14 year old lad they assure you is a junior Dr, halfheartedly pulls the curtain round you bed, it's serious, you can't believe what you just heard, you certainly know what it means,

And when later the Consultant confirms the diagnosis,but this time the curtains are round properly, the world drops from under your feet, you Dying, and no there is NO miracle, you cant be cured, there is no help, .

I should tell you the reason your so shocked, you have 2, not 1, but 2 totally desperate, but still terminal conditions, and neither is likely to give any warning, chances are (and some might say luckily) you will drop down dead without warning,

Process that,

Take a few days, work out how best to tell your beautiful and loving wife,

It's almost a week before you pluck up the courage, her Dignity, her calmness, her determination to beat this, and prove the Drs wrong, there is no mistake, she knows it as much as you do, but She's still going to try, and she even forgives you for not telling her straight away, this lady has Class,

Sorry folks, can't write any more yet, forgive me,I'll be back before too long,

 

[kman]

A whole month, exactly one month, of your life, 4 operations, removal of a very nasty Abscess from the Palm of your hand, this thing had taken just 4 days to develop, Well now it would effect the rest of your life, skin, muscle and nerves all damaged, along with tendon damage, months of OT and Physio, uncomfortable splint worn for three months, meaning the use of your hand is pretty much nil for all of that time, and your very much Right handed, trying to dress, eat, write, even hold a book was definitely a different, and certainly frustrating experience,

Washing too, became extremely complicated, now try Wiping your Butt !

The pain levels are excruciating, and it's dawning on you just how much you've been through, but that's nothing to the hurt, the distress and the worry you now realise your dear wife has coped with, the look in her eyes, and she STILL loves you after all you've put her through,oh boy you decide then and there you WILL NOT ever put her through that again, you Will change !

And you hold on to that resolution, you try so hard, you cry yourself to sleep night after night because your so hungry,

Life in a hospital for a whole month is downright boring,frustrating, lonely, and your tearing your hair out, you know it's all a terrible strain on your wife, she's taking so much time off work, eventually she quits her job to be your full time carer, she sorts out benefits and visits once or twice a day, keeps home,walks the dog 4 or 5 Times a day, You finally realise she's SUPERWOMAN, and Superwoman loves YOU,

It's around this point you start falling a lot more than usual, your feinting, your very giddy and dizzy, even at times when sitting or lying down, constant nausea,

Tests, tests and more tests, scans, x-rays, more blood taken than any vampire could drink, oh yes, taking blood, and fitting cannulas, here you get your own back, but even watching Drs struggle to get any blood pales a bit after an hour of two senior Drs, one a consultant anesthetist, and an ultrasound machine, and 7 ... Yes Seven attempts to get a cannula into your veins, oh what a LOVELY day your having,

Well of course, eventually, the Infections, are all sorted, your Blood Sugars are still very high, despite never having anything you shouldn't, and the meagre even miserly portion sizes, . And you've lost almost 5 stone since just a month before your admission, this was not diet, but your body breaking down,

You should have known, just how I'll you were, you should have realised just how poorly you were, even the holes in your brain (Stroke at 35), even then you hadn't started looking after yourself, you really are stupid, thick and dumb, hey this is not for sympathy, or being hard on yourself, No this is the cold hard truth, you would not be in this position, all the pain etc, . if only you'd learned,

When some tall 14 year old lad they assure you is a junior Dr, halfheartedly pulls the curtain round you bed, it's serious, you can't believe what you just heard, you certainly know what it means,

And when later the Consultant confirms the diagnosis,but this time the curtains are round properly, the world drops from under your feet, you Dying, and no there is NO miracle, you cant be cured, there is no help, .

I should tell you the reason your so shocked, you have 2, not 1, but 2 totally desperate, but still terminal conditions, and neither is likely to give any warning, chances are (and some might say luckily) you will drop down dead without warning,

Process that,

Take a few days, work out how best to tell your beautiful and loving wife,

It's almost a week before you pluck up the courage, her Dignity, her calmness, her determination to beat this, and prove the Drs wrong, there is no mistake, she knows it as much as you do, but She's still going to try, and she even forgives you for not telling her straight away, this lady has Class,

Sorry folks, can't write any more yet, forgive me,I'll be back before too long,

 

[cott97]

Kevin

I don't know what to say - just putting it down in writing must have been incredibly difficult. I have had a period of concern with a tumour the hospital forgot to tell me about but nothing that comes close to what you are going through. My thoughts are with you and your family which seems so little but perhaps on your darkest days the support of others may just make it a tiny bit easier. Please keep in touch

Cath

Sent from my Nexus 4 using DCUK Forum mobile app

 

[kman]

Thanks Cath.

 

[NicolaB70]

Kevin

As Cath said, I don't know what to say. Tears are steaming down my face after reading your sad thread. All I can say is I think you are very brave to write and share with us. I would like to send my warmest best wishes to you and your family. Take care

Nicola


Sent from the Diabetes Forum App

 

[Andy12345]

mate.... difficult to find words of comfort, i suppose we are all dieing even the healthiest amongst us but youve been through what we all hope we never have to go through, i cant imagine, but you certainly have made a mark on me and others who have read what youve written here, i have always believed that our role in life apart from procreation is to improve the lives of those we come in contact with, your family have been through this with you and suffered with you but have been enriched by you, that goes without saying, and now you have shared with us im sure you have made a possitive difference to us, through our tears we will gain strength from your suffering if only to ensure we dont share your experience, perhaps there is a grand skeme and in it your job was to come here and do this, i just dont know, but i do know where there is life there is hope, dont give up! i dont give a sheet what anyone has told you, try to fix it, i suppose im trying to say this....

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieve it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.