The day finally arrived, all the stress and worry behind us, now we just had to move home, No pressure right ?
5 hours later the Removal Men had left, we were in the house, I was in awful pain, but hey it was worth it, our new home was fabulous, and we were REALLY happy,
We didn't unpack a lot that day,
But the main problem was missing items :-
My Kindle Fire HD 8.9,
Our Mobile Internet.
Oh and
A Whole Months supply of drugs, including all my Pain Relief,
Yes OK I should have kept them with me,, but you should see my meds e t c. They fill over 5 Large Carrier Bags, then there my potions and lotions, believe me I take a lot of looking after !
No pain meds, we'd picked them up the day before we moved, and we changed Drs the day after we moved. ... sometimes I'm too organised.
We tried to find them, rang the removals firm, but no luck, the Kindle took 22 hours to find, a further 12 or so hours to find the internet, the drugs came in lots, of course the Pain Meds were in the last lot, they took over 5 days to find.
Just take a minute to consider the impact of that last sentence, read back over this thread, remember the description of my pain, now think almost 5 days without my meds, and not just pain meds, My heart, BP, Epilepsy etc.
So I was getting very ratty, and flying off the handle a t nothing, but don't be critical, by evening my Pain was unbearable, after 3 days I had lost all common sense, unable to think or cope, crying, shouting, screaming, and deteriorating both Mentally and Physically, thoughts I still popped on here, after 5 days, and Christmas just 2 days away I had contemplated suicide twice, and was again struggling against the idea, I was begging Wendie to help me die too !
These were serious considerations, and I know ways to do it properly and clearly, but I thought, No never a hero, or Brave, NO. It was cowardly to even consider it, Pain is no reason to hurt or even destroy your family, how close I came you can't imagine, I had a drugs cocktail ready, it would only take 20 minutes, and there would have been no reviving me, but I in the end couldn't, even at that point,
Before I got that low again, a quantity of most of the pain killers turned up, 2 hours later I was much much more lucid, and coherent, and definitely not READY to Die.
,
We are still missing many of my drugs, but things are sorted,on the whole that is, it's now 2 weeks and 8 hours after we moved,
I'm still not back to where I was, My pain levels e last are way more than awful, and yesterday I discovered that my Electric Wheelchair will be more than two weeks arriving, meaning Wendie has to suffer pushing me around for even longer, and she's really suffering lately, and I sure didn't help after the move,
So now you see just how stupid I can be, not a good guy, not a hero, just a selfish fool,
At least with my Pain Medications I was more like Normal, and with Christmas next day I was getting into the spirit, I even did most of the cooking for Christmas lunch, we had invited 2 friends and their 16 month old over at the last minute when their plans were canceled and they had no Christmas Dinner, again nothing about being good, they were just friends,
Of course nothing is perfect, and later that day my Pain was at its worst, even with the medication, again I ended up begging Wendie to help me die, I know it's selfish, I know it's not fair on Wendie, but when the pains that bad, well you'd do literally anything, and I DO mean Anything,
Over the last week I developed cullulitus, on my lower right leg, just to add to the pain, and my legs are also very very swollen,
If you think I like doing this, that I like treating my family so awfully then your missing the point of all my posts, I feel guilty for letting myself get like this, I hate the way I am, I hate my body, the pressure I put them through, and the fact I'll only be here for them for another couple of years at the very most,
Believe me, I'm Fighting, each and every day, I'm trying to be a better person each day too, not very successful at that one , and I'm trying to Die with at least a little Dignity, Pray for me, that at least I can do that !
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Kevin and Wendie.
xxx.
