Hi Sarah,
don't be too hard on yourself, it's difficult at first to learn a whole new way of life, and there is emotional baggage attached to diagnosis too
I sort of understand where you are coming from, as though I am not new to this, I went through a period of rage and denial where all I did know about keeping on track went completely out of the window. All of that was due to my state of mind and some complicated issues, but it was a change of state of mind that got me back on track too.
The people on the forum and the forum itself has been beyond price, as I have found the support I needed, and know tha I am NOT the only one to be dealing with this, I'm not alone with having the difficulties and sometimes days of absolute fed upness with it all. I've learned how other's cope and deal with problems and you being here right now is a great step in the right direction
Like you, I understood the risks on an intellectual level, but also illogically, I just couldn't be ar**d with it all . As I said, what changed was my state of mind, I'm a stubborn person, and like a challenge, so I took diabetes on in the same way as I took on learning a new language and lifestyle. There are some similarities = there's a whole new language related to diabetes, HBA1c, Retinopathy, basal/bolus/correction doses...argh !
With the lifestyle changes such as testing, I got back to it by no longer seeing my meter as a pest (most of the time anyway! LOL ) I found a meter that suited MY needs, a phone app that replaced the dreaded and hated blood glucose log book, bought a carbs and cals app for my phone, and viewed the whole thing as a project . I am absolutely rubbish at maths, so got out the calculator and a notebook to work out the bolus dosages and wrote it all down for reference. This was only in the initial stages, and I still use it but don't need to update it quite so much
I discovered that eating carbohydrates at the recommended amouts was an insanity for me, and changed my diet to Low Carb High Fat, which works like a charm for me and makes the whole thing so much simpler, because my bolus doses are much lower. I read and read and read too...
This makes me sound like wunderwoman on speed, reading back, but it wasn't, it's been a long slow process and still ongoing, BUT it gets easier, it really does
I have diabetes, always will have, but now I am the one in control here, not, as I perceived, it controlling me. Being human, I still get days when all I want is a "Day Off"
and feel like saying "b****cks to it" but it passes !
Do keep reading and posting, ask questions, and you will get where you want to be. And you are definitely not alone
Signy