Vastly Improved Blood Sugars - Midlife Crisis?

[Designerman 1]

Hi all, this is my first post on the forum, I have lurked here extensively and learnt a great deal.

Firstly I should introduce myself, and I'm going to apologise in advance for the long and rambling post that is to follow, as I guess this is a form of catharsis for me:

I was diagnosed in February 2013 at the age of 36, after having very gradually grown to feeling tired in the mornings, and then noticeably tired after eating, which culminated in a spell of frequent trips to the loo, the onset of this was very, very subtle and kind of crept up on me really. I then began to feel acutely unwell prior to catching a cold so went to the Doctors, she duly ordered a blood test and bang, fasting bloods of 9.2 and a HBa1C of 67, I was Diabetic - Big Shock, even though looking back it shouldn't have been.

Why shouldn't it have been? Well, the answers were pretty clear now, I was 19 stone with a considerable beergut, and worked a sedentary job(Graphic Designer, hence the name) and drank lager to relax every night after a stressful day at work.

So I had a follow up meeting with another Doctor, and to be fair, he put the fear of god into me about Diabetes, I was panicked, was terrified of eating food, he told me the HBa1C of 67 was indicative of someone with undiagnosed Type 2 over a period of 10 - 15 years or so(He later retracted this, but that's relevant in a little while).

All of this amounted to me having a rather stern conversation with myself, and resolving a course of action to deal with this new and somewhat bewildering problem - what can I eat? So I googled this place, read up on lower Carb intake, then learnt that Carbs basically turn to sugar in your blood, read about regular exercise and began to implement lifestyle changes required.

So, big changes. I started by walking 30 minutes a day, then 60 minutes a day, of course the Lager had to go, food intake was monitored, much more fresh vegetables and salads over pastas and breads, and rather quickly I had lost 4 stone, excellent. I began taking supplements: Chromium Picolinate, Alpha Lipoic Acid and Cinnamon in Onken Yoghurt(yes it tastes foul)Then the first 5 months post-diagnosis HBa1C result came back - I'd cracked it! a HBa1C of 36! and a fasting of 4.6, things were looking good!

But perhaps complacency crept in slightly, I loosened up on my carbs, snacking a bit, the odd bottle of red wine, but still strictly no sugary foods, and crushingly, I'd put a stone on, this was bad. My diabetic nurse taunted me saying "It'll show up on the results!", but it didn't. The next HBa1C was 35...interesting.

Still, the weight HAD gone on, and I didn't like it, I made an assumption that my particular type of diabetes was based on Insulin resistance, not lack of Pancreas function, due to the fact I have a predilection for weight gain, and opted to join my local gym. I began to take other recommended Diabetic supplements: Fenugreek, Chlorella, Co enzyme Q10.

This was a revelation.

I have been going to the gym now for 4 months, and this is where things get complicated. because weight loss has tailed off, however indicators for fat loss are still there, at last measurement I had lost 7 cm around the waist, and lost a further half stone. My gym work consists of an hours strenuous cardio, with alternating resistance regimes, I also now use Myfitnesspal on my phone to monitor calorie intake.

The gym, and the culmination of my lifestyle changes has given me a much greater clarity of thought, in the workplace I've been finding I've been leading, succeeding and thriving on rather demanding high pressure work projects, whereas in the past I would perhaps have more sloping shoulders and let a colleague take on the project.

But what I'm asking people here about is not the physical side effects of the gym, and the presumably even further tightened BG control but the mental side effects, because, I hate to say this, and I hate to feel like this, but I feel like I am having a midlife crisis. All the indicators are there, I'm seeking to improve my appearance and almost feel like someone in their early 20's - very appearance conscious, buying a lot of new clothes, feeling trapped in my personal situation with my partner of 15 years, and I feel terrible about that, simultaneously wanting to move on from her, and freedom away from her, but also fact I love her and don't really want to destroy the life we have built, but at the same time feeling hideously conflicted.

And I don't want people to think this is just some Narcissistic guy posting about his home life problems, and getting his diabetes off his chest, because I have questions...I'm trying to rationalise this, and this is the bit that's driving me to type out this lengthy diatribe at 1 am on a Thursday morning, when I know my alarm goes off at 7.

So, my questions:

Has anyone else experienced the same thing after diagnosis and getting their health back in order?

and, I'm sure this is purely an anecdotal thing, but could my high blood sugars have essentially 'fogged' my brain over a period of years that I am gradually recovering and repairing from, and this is just my normal self returning?

 

[mine]

i had a surgery 2 years before my diagnosis blood test was ok. but my hba1c was 10.4 when i was diagnosed. doctor said i will never reverse my condition and will be worse over time. but now my hba1c was 4.4 at jan14.

 

[andcol]

Hi Designerman well done on the weight loss and control.

I can only say I do not feel trapped in my relationship after my weight loss. There is obviously something else in your life that is making you feel like this and it could be just a mid life crisis (I got a sports car - most impractical but I drive it to work everyday with the roof down as long as it is 7degrees or above). Try going out as a couple and doing things together. I can't really offer more advice.

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

 

[Brunneria]

How does your partner feel?

Mr B and I got together when I was already a fat, sedentary, middle aged webaholic. Since he's a rounded, sedentary games-and-webaholic it really is a match made in heaven. Definitely the best relationship of my life, and actually getting better every year. We trundle about together taking the dog on new and exciting walks, visit cafés and enjoy heavenly low carb fry ups. We discuss the best low carb delicacies to smuggle past the popcorn stand in the cinema. We wonder how skinny people stay upright on their skinny stick-like legs. He lusts after 60 inch TVs. I lust after a week in a self catering cottage in the Peak District. And we know that our daily diet probably has more nutrition in it than most people eat in a week.

If he suddenly turned into a buff, fit, active gym-goer it would rock the boat significantly - for both of us. All that healthy energy is pretty d*mn exhausting to watch!

 

[catherinecherub]

Well done on getting your diabetes under control and losing the weight.

I too wonder how your partner feels. If she was good enough before all this happened then why do you want to move on? Is the new, improved you thinking that you settled for second best and you want to move on? Has she changed towards you? I think you have to include her in how you are feeling as you might be surprised that she has something to say as well. You say you love her but are you in love with her, there is a difference?
This is nothing to do with diabetes, this is a relationship problem or a midlife crisis.


I wish you well and you need to talk and bring this out in the open.

 

[Designerman 1]

Sorry for the slow reply here, and thank you for your replies. On a slightly unrelated note, I received a letter yesterday from the Diabetic Eye Screening clinic telling my that my Retinopathy which was discovered upon diagnosis has now cleared - This has put me in a very good mood!

We are having problems as a couple, yes, there has been little to no intimacy between us for around 3 years now and to be honest she appears to be physically less interested in me now I've lost some weight and am toning up. We are at the point where she shows little affection day to day.

We also work together, which has led me to feel like I can't get a moments peace from her, which honestly makes me a little snappy around her at times - and I admit, I could be nicer to her, but it's got to the point where I appear to be getting annoyed with her very easily.

Is anyone familiar with having had the feelings that you get with a midlife crisis if that's what it is?

The first one is like a churning feeling, like you just don't want to be where you are, I had this a few weeks ago which led me to drink a bottle of wine after she had gone to bed, it was effectively keeping me awake and stopping me going to bed.

The other kind is worse, and was the feeling that made me join the forum and type out in the original post and this is going to sound a little strange, which held me off from typing it my initial post, but I was walking home from the cinema after seeing X Men, and I was getting many thoughts about totally changing my life, and selling a lot of my possessions on eBay, almost like they weren't my own thoughts, a very strange, eerie experience.

 

[Helsin]

Midlife Crisis is hitting you with a big hammer in many aspects of your life. As far as your relationship is concerned though, you are going to have to have the cojones to start that conversation 'We need to talk about us ...'. She must be expecting it after coasting so long in neutral. I would be surprised if the conversation doesn't end with you separating, which will be extra difficult if you also work together, but it's surely healthier in the long run and you may even end up friends. (Not holding my breath on this one, particularly in the short term). Emphathise how your diagnosis and lifestyle changes have changed you and your thinking, but don't shoulder all the responsibility. It shouldn't be 'It's not you, it's me'. It should be 'It's not you, it's us'.

 

[Brunneria]

I'm sympathetic. I've never got slim fit and recreated my body, but I did lose 5 stone once and found it am amazing experience. Rather like a butterfly leaving its crysalis. It changes bits of your life that you really wouldn't have expected.

I can't comment on a lot of your post, because I've never worked with my partner, or been through what you are experiencing. However, two things do spring to mind.

Firstly, I have parents, in their 80s, who have been married for over 55 years. I guesstimate that their marriage has been divided in approx 3 parts - happy, unhappy and content - in roughly equal portions. During the unhappy years, I suspect that they would cheerfully have separated if social convention, children and economics hadn't kept them together. Yet, despite this, if asked, they cheerfully describe their marriage as both happy and successful. So... I guess I am saying that a few months of weight loss and tension could just be a pothole in a long and satisfactory road.

Secondly (and this is based totally on personal experience), my enthusiasm for intimacy is directly proportional to how much I feel I am desired by my partner. Let us say that I am a 4 out of 10 on the attraction scale (plump, middle aged, etc.) and my partner is the same. If he loses weight and buffs up, leaping up to a 6 or 7 on the scale, then I immediately drop into insecure crisis (he won't find me attractive now... I'm still pudgy. Oh no! I can't let him see me naked ever again!). He would really need to gently and convincingly prove to me that I was still attractive to him. Or that huge, agonising insecurity would build a terrible wall between us.

Oh no! I've just implied that your partner is fat and insecure. She is probably none of those things! In which case, please ignore my last paragraph!

 

[Designerman 1]

Thanks to everyone that's replied to this thread.

I think I can answer a few peoples questions here, firstly, my partner had a hysterectomy four years ago, which I believe significantly altered her personality, of which since she has become a staunch animal rights activist, she won't even switch on the TV due to biased BBC reporting of the Badger cull(Yes, honestly!)

In answer to Brunneria, my partner is actually very slender, she is one of those people that can eat anything and not put weight on, I mimicked her eating habits, and lo and behold became diabetic, and I make it clear that I am attracted to her, she is an attractive woman that takes a great deal of care on her appearance, even though she has possibly lost a little too much weight since becoming Vegan, but that isn't the problem. That doesn't change the way I feel, sadly.

At the moment I'm in the process of trying to make peace with my feelings, and I've had a long hard think about why it's happening, I assessed my life, something I didnt mention is that my Dad has been diagnosed with cancer - prostate, and hopefully not too bad on the scale of cancers, but I think the whole of my life is in transition, my parents are reaching the age of frailty and mortality, I'm trying to stave off my own frailty, the whole thing is about time, time running out.

But the feelings aren't going away though, last night was pretty terrible with the distraction of Game of Thrones partially cutting through it. I don't think talking to her about this and introducing doubt into things will work, it will probably leave me single and in a tumultuous personal situation, and I am still in the process of working on my appearance, I still have a few stone to lose before I look good.

 

[SJC]

Sounds like mid-life crisis to me. Some depression often accompanies these feelings and depression can play havoc with our thoughts too. It might be a good idea to see a counsellor on your own to first ascertain and clarify how you REALLY feel. It might be worth the 60 quid or so for a couple of sessions.
Otherwise, there is, own up to your wife how you really feel, and ask her if she will go to counselling with you to see if you can iron some things out. Sounds to me like you both have a measure of unhappiness.

These thoughts and feelings don't have to be the end of a marriage. You may both feel better for having a platform to talk with a third party. We often think a lot in a marriage but don't say anything. Communication is key to a good marriage in my opinion.

 

[volorg]

After my diagnosis I took myself in hand and got a grip on my health and weight. I lost over 3 stone and I have to admit i thought I was all that! I have now called it the Carol Vorderman effect - going from fat and possibly frumpy to knock out (even if that is in my own head) can be very intoxicating. The other effect of a diagnosis like diabetes is that it makes us spend time thinking about ourselves. I am sure that your partner went through some issues when she went through her hysterectomy.

I'm not sure that I have a point, just that it promotes a lot of changes, including, for some, depression - something that I went through as well.

I wish you luck working it out.

 

[Beshlie]

Whatever happens in the future, Designerman, it sounds like both you and your partner have your own issues to work through plus those that you share. My advice, from experience, would be to take your time in deciding your future with regards to you and your partner. Many years ago I made a huge mistake in divorcing my first husband. I was a little younger than you and at the time thought it was the only solution, I had no experience of such a situation. By the time I discovered my BIG mistake it was too late, my husband had met someone and they later married, and time does not truly heal like they say it does. Whatever attracted you to each other in the first place is still there deep down, you just have to find it and fight for it. I don't normally talk about my experience but, if it helps you and your partner, then it has been worth it.

 

[Designerman 1]

So, I'm posting live from how I feel right now, and this is something I'm probably going to regret tomorrow, but at the moment I feel shredded, I've also drank a bottle of wine myself in response to events, which is not a good premise to be posting on. but my own internal conflict is very high right now, I cannot share anything with her, I put Game of Thrones on tonight to watch live with her as it's one of the bigger episodes this season, she pulled a face over a period of 20 minutes and sloped off to fall asleep fully clothed upstairs on our bed, I tried to discourage her, but she'd had a bottle of wine and wasn't for reasoning with me. Seems to be my life every night at the moment.

Again sorry for the moans but feeling bad at the moment

 

[gig]

Im so sorry you feel the way that you do .would it be an idea to see your gp because being diagnosed with a chronic condition like diabetes can cause you to be depressed and also with both you and your partner having problems .has your partner come to terms with loosing her womb she may feel less of a woman, could you not try and go to her and see how she is feeling. She may also sense that you are not sure were you want the relationship to be.try and open up about both your losses ............drinking will never give an answer .....do you have children,.........hope your life gets easier and happier dont bottle things up and dont make your life lonely

 

[Designerman 1]

So, here I am again, thankfully sober this time.

My partner has gone to bed crying again, after cracking open the wine at 5.30, so she's drunk. She disappeared at 9.30, I tried to reason with her, and got the response "You only love yourself now". I didn't argue, I just tried to make her feel better with what I admit were platitudes, but I tried.

Kind of a telling statement - I came back from the gym at 7:30, and had a discussion about how I'm planning to go to the gym twice a day whilst we're off next week, to which she reacted very negatively to. I'm doing this because I still have weight to lose and I'm keen on increasing my insulin sensitivity.

For some reason this offended her.

I'm not worried or upset by any of this anymore, just resigned really, that I don't think this can be reconciled, I have changed as a person, and yes, my diagnosis has made me a more selfish, self aware person, but also a much more health conscious person, that has to make judgements about what and when I can and can't eat and when I must exercise.

She does not like this.

I think most people's partners would be reasonable about a serious chronic health condition and adapt as best they could, after all, if I don't look after myself I could and up in a poor position(amputations/insulin etc) but no, she cannot adapt her viewpoint. She even said to me that she: "Cannot change who she is" in the conversation we had, to be fair this was related to a conversation about the doctor recommending oily fish 3 times a week, and of course she is a staunch vegetarian that won't allow meat in the house. I tried to explain that protein is a preferred resource for diabetics, especially if a person is going to the gym, as it builds muscle, and more muscle will actively lower my blood sugars.

So, I guess it's not so much the midlife crisis at the moment, just a relationship crisis.

 

[Brunneria]

Perhaps she was hoping to spend some time with you, doing stuff together, during your week off.
Maybe she was disappointed that she will be even more of a gym widow than on a work week.

I am sympathising more and more with your partner every post you make.

Probably best if I take myself off now. Bye.

 

[Designerman 1]

I should have clarified the gym sessions. The morning ones will be very early - the gym opens at 6.45 - I probably won't get there that early

My partner takes quite a long time to get ready: Shower, Blow drying of hair, hair straightening, then makeup ...I did say she has fairly strict beauty regimes...it takes her 2 - 3 hours to get read y in a morning, it's one of the reasons I get a lift into work with a friend, because she takes so long.

She is never, ever ready to do stuff during time off until eleven, so I'm 99% certain it won't actually affect our time together.

I'm sorry if you made a judgement based on what I've posted, but it's very difficult to encapsulate a personal situation in a few lines of text.

 

[zand]

OK, so I'm going to respond to your first recent post, bit by bit. Do you really 'only love yourself now' ? Or is it that now is the first time in years that you have loved yourself? Did you point out that you were doing this both for yourself and her, so that you could spend more happy healthy years with her?

I understand about you trying to increase your insulin sensitivity. I am doing the same. Have you explained this to her? How about inviting her to go to the gym with you? Or walking together for exercise. I have found that brisk walks are helping me, and my husband joins me when he can. Could you include her in your new plans? I know someone who didn't like golf but learnt to play so that she could spend time with her husband. Has your partner complimented you on your weight loss? Again, my husband does and he tells me off for wearing clothes that are now too big.

Yes, you have changed, but can't she compromise a bit and change with you? As you say it's all about your health, so I believe you were right to change. There must still be some of the 'old you' left though?

I don't agree that she cannot change who she is, I think the statement means 'will not change who she is' So do you think your partner would have been happier if you had stayed the same as you were? If you weren't trying to help yourself to get healthy? She has a right to be vegetarian, that's her choice, but you also have a right not to be vegetarian, that's your choice. Surely she could give you your own shelf in the fridge or freezer for the things you would like to eat? Oily fish sounds both reasonable and sensible to me, though I hate it and have fish oil instead. What will happen if you ever need drugs to treat your diabetes....these may have been tested on animals?

OK, now your next post....2-3 hours to get ready in the morning? I know some women do this, don't do it myself, so I have never understood it., when I was working I never spent more than half an hour getting ready, and I never wore make-up to work, I only used it on nights out/special occasions. Surely it would be reasonable for her to either speed things up a bit so you could go into work together or get up earlier so you could go into work together?

My husband is encouraging me (most of the time). He has bought me new trainers, compliments me on my weightloss, doesn't bring crisps or chocolate into the house, eats salad with me(though he doesn't really enjoy it) and walks with me when he can. I think it's a shame your partner isn't changing with you too. We all change/evolve as we age anyway.

I'm sorry, as a woman myself I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I am sympathising with you more and more with every post you make. If I didn't like being a gym widow I would go to the gym with my husband. I didn't like being a football widow, so I went along to matches to watch a team I had no real interest in at the time (although I always liked football) just to spend more time with my family. OK I'm not your 'average woman', so 95% of females out there will probably be turning against me, but I do think your partner could be responding better to the new you.

On your week off, try suggesting things you could do together and ask her what she would like to do. Be prepared to miss an evening gym session if necessary so that you can spend more time together. Try to choose something that she will enjoy (oops, that will probably be an animal rights march, yeh?). If you could show that you are willing to meet her half way, then maybe you could show her that she is being unreasonable by not doing the same. I do think you need to share more value time together. Best of luck with this.

 

[Indy51]

I recently saw an online repeat of a British show ("Supersize") - not sure when it was shown there - but it was a 3 parter and one episode was about losing a marriage as a result of weight loss. Unfortunately a major life change in one partner is bound to cause issues with the other partner, especially if they're a rigid personality. Of course we're only hearing your side of the story, but she does sound like a fairly uncompromising kind of person who isn't handling the change very well. I guess nobody can really advise you except maybe a counsellor.

Trying to make sense or decisions when you've both been drinking is a recipe for disaster, though.

 

[peacetrain]

I agree with most of the posts about your situation. I don't want to repeat it all but I will say that you both need to realise you must both give more to your relationship. It sounds as though you are both bottling up emotions so any discussion you do have is born out of displeasure about something said or done. Not the best foundation for a discussion about your relationship.
The word that springs to my mind is 'compromise', something for both of you to think about.
Perhaps this is the end of the relationship. Perhaps you've known it for a while and your new situation is finally allowing you to face it?
The important thing is to talk but do it rationally and calmly, not when the wine is out or you're having a disagreement about something - that's not constructive.
If you both WANT to save your relationship then compromise is the key. If neither of you wish to do that and try to blame the other then I would say you both want it to end.

Best wishes.


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