Living with a partner with uncontrolled type 2 diabetes

[semiphonic]

Hi Molly, before I was diagnosed what I knew about diabetes could have been written in very large letters on the back of a postage stamp. After diagnosis, with the lack of any usable information from my GP, I looked at as much information as I could on the internet. The result? All I could see in my future was an early, slow and agonising death mainly involving blindness and amputation, I spent nearly two weeks curled up on my sofa in tears, nothing my wife or children said was of any help. I also spent this time eating as much sugar as I could, sweets, biscuits, cake etc etc, I was at deaths door as it was, so why not eat as much of that **** as I could, right? I kind of 'woke up' and decided to do some proper research, found this forum, and after some great advice I got good control and realised that diabetes isn't necessarily a death sentence.
I, obviously, don't know your OH, but I suspect he's where I was before I 'woke up'. If that is the case, given that he feels he's about to die I think his attitude to diabetes is totally understandable. He needs, or you need, to find the 'wake up' moment, as soon as that happens everything will change.
Although you're probably not told, your continued support will be of great comfort to him, and he won't be feeling totally alone.
I wish you both the very best and hope that you are able to get through this.

 

[Molly56]

Just keep thinking of those little toys we probably had as children....and their catchphrase..."Weebles wobble but they don't fall down"
.....feeling a bit like a Weeble at the moment....have been knocked down but will soon bounce back again........

 

[Molly56]

How can anyone think that 15.4 is 'not bad'.....his words, not mine....reading taken 5 hours after we have had lunch and just before going to dinner.........
.....no wonder I get frustrated and feel like crying....

 

[Enclave]

You OH will think that 15.4 is not bad as he has been a lot higher ! It takes time to reduce from the high levels, if he drops too fast it's bad anyway .. So could you not support by agreeing with him and set a goal that's achivable .. Then the task ahead of him will not be set to fail ..
You must also stop shielding him from these forums .. He's had this condition for so many years that things have moved on from when he was first told he's T2.

The important things to remember are .. He must know the facts and want to be proactive in getting his health back ... It is achievable, but not over night .. Make things fun and real. I am stubbon and when I think something is un achivable I don't even try, I turn to sleep and food to forget about any problems I have, but my wife (yes the wife again) knows this, and can cheerfully work with and around my stubbornness.

When the holls are over .. You really must sit him down and get him to talk .. Talk about everything .. From the weather, your relationship with him and his health problems ... It's not going to be easy.. If he's like me he will not want to talk or listen .. But you need to find a way .. If he refuses point blank then pack his bags " move him out to fend for him self .. If he chooses I'll health over happy times with you then he's not worth the effort.
If he is willing to try the do set achivable targets .. So if he's 15. Then get it down to 13 .. Then 10 ... Then 8 over a few weeks not to fast then with the achivable Targets he should be happy not overwhelmed with it all.
Fingers crossed for you and looking forward to seeing the butterfly's

 

[Molly56]

Hi Molly, before I was diagnosed what I knew about diabetes could have been written in very large letters on the back of a postage stamp. After diagnosis, with the lack of any usable information from my GP, I looked at as much information as I could on the internet. The result? All I could see in my future was an early, slow and agonising death mainly involving blindness and amputation, I spent nearly two weeks curled up on my sofa in tears, nothing my wife or children said was of any help. I also spent this time eating as much sugar as I could, sweets, biscuits, cake etc etc, I was at deaths door as it was, so why not eat as much of that **** as I could, right? I kind of 'woke up' and decided to do some proper research, found this forum, and after some great advice I got good control and realised that diabetes isn't necessarily a death sentence.
I, obviously, don't know your OH, but I suspect he's where I was before I 'woke up'. If that is the case, given that he feels he's about to die I think his attitude to diabetes is totally understandable. He needs, or you need, to find the 'wake up' moment, as soon as that happens everything will change.
Although you're probably not told, your continued support will be of great comfort to him, and he won't be feeling totally alone.
I wish you both the very best and hope that you are able to get through this.

@semiphonic ...I am always hopeful that my partner will get that 'wake up' moment as you describe it but am not sure what it is going to take to get it. He has been T2 for about twenty years or more, fifteen of which were before we met .....in the time since we have been together I have tried to support him where I can but get the feeling that he either doesn't want to or won't understand until something major happens to make him realise how serious this is.
Am ever hopeful that I can find the trigger that sets off that 'wake up' moment before it is too late.....am pleased to hear that you have found it and taken control, all the best to you too.....

 

[Molly56]

You OH will think that 15.4 is not bad as he has been a lot higher ! It takes time to reduce from the high levels, if he drops too fast it's bad anyway .. So could you not support by agreeing with him and set a goal that's achivable .. Then the task ahead of him will not be set to fail ..
You must also stop shielding him from these forums .. He's had this condition for so many years that things have moved on from when he was first told he's T2.

The important things to remember are .. He must know the facts and want to be proactive in getting his health back ... It is achievable, but not over night .. Make things fun and real. I am stubbon and when I think something is un achivable I don't even try, I turn to sleep and food to forget about any problems I have, but my wife (yes the wife again) knows this, and can cheerfully work with and around my stubbornness.

When the holls are over .. You really must sit him down and get him to talk .. Talk about everything .. From the weather, your relationship with him and his health problems ... It's not going to be easy.. If he's like me he will not want to talk or listen .. But you need to find a way .. If he refuses point blank then pack his bags " move him out to fend for him self .. If he chooses I'll health over happy times with you then he's not worth the effort.
If he is willing to try the do set achivable targets .. So if he's 15. Then get it down to 13 .. Then 10 ... Then 8 over a few weeks not to fast then with the achivable Targets he should be happy not overwhelmed with it all.
Fingers crossed for you and looking forward to seeing the butterfly's

@Enclave ....thank you for your message....as always they always give me something to think about and work on...
I always knew that these two weeks away on holiday would be tough...and said as much in earlier posts...have been here before (on holiday) where I can see what is happening but whatever I say is just dismissed or he gets all defensive...
When I said I was worried about something I just get the response 'well I'm not worried about it, why are you worried about it' or in response to mentioning something about his food choice 'well I have got to eat something'.....both comments I guess could have led to further conversation but neither the time or place was appropriate to end up with what would probably have been a heated debate...he can get very defensive at times which I currently put down to the high sugar levels ...
Anyway as you rightly say I will have to talk with him when we get home....the positive point is that he was starting to get his levels down when at home with morning readings under 10 ....normally 9 point something ....(this morning it was 14.0) so I do know that it is achievable.....I guess I was just hoping that perhaps his food choices on holiday would have been a bit better but wasn't worth having an argument at every mealtime ...
Hopefully we can get back on track when we return in a couple of days and no lasting damage has been caused while we have been away....would like to think we can get there in the end...
.........Butterfly pictures will be sorted when I get back on my main computer and work out how to upload them to the forum....

 

[AndBreathe]

Have you talked about the increase whilst away versus his most recent home scores? Does he understand why they are higher?

 

[Molly56]

Have you talked about the increase whilst away versus his most recent home scores? Does he understand why they are higher?

@AndBreathe ...I think he does understand why they are higher and that it is due to what he has been eating...rightly or wrongly I decided not to pull him up on food choices during the holiday as it would only have caused arguments and unpleasantness..not the best atmosphere when on holiday!
At lunch today he asked about bananas which he has been eating over the last week and I pointed out they were high in carbohydrates.....I did also point out that the pizza, rice and potatoes he had just eaten would mean the banana wouldn't make a lot of difference ....to which he replied 'oh it's the carbohydrates isn't it' .....so just goes to prove that some of what I have said before has gone in...
Sadly it has not made much difference to what he has chosen to eat over the past couple of weeks....as I said in previous post, hopefully we can get back on track in a couple of days (back home on Wednesday) ....and no real lasting damage done...
Have been trying my best to enjoy my holiday / food the best I can...tried to lead by example by eating more salads / smaller plates / smaller portions but somehow think that bit failed....I did but try...

 

[donnellysdogs]

@Molly56

If OH was diabetic before you met him and for quite a while and hasn't taken any notice of you, well, to be honest you are wasting your breadth and your kindness and caring emotions on him.

The thing that particularly worries me is the excessive wee. Pre diagnosis that can be normal, along with eyes blurring, some lose weight etc... After diagnosis and meds the excessive weeing should stop, however because he is in denial he is now effectively killing his kidneys off.

Got to ask.. Have you actually asked OH whether "he wants to die a horrible death from diabetic complications?", or just asking him "what it will take for him to look after himself instead of you consistently worrying about him?"

I so hope, really hope that when you return home that something positive in his attitude will happen. I would so love to be proved wrong in my thinking on your OH?

Are you now a bronzed goddess walking through the butterflies? Have you been able to have the relaxation that you need?

After seeing my step sis this week fly over and see our parents after anal and stomach cancer and having a 3rd repair op when she goes home. It makes me just wonder how some people can find strength to keep fighting disease and yet your OH is headlong into self destruction.. It really concerns me that you are the one trying to fight his health battles.

However, Perhaps insulin is his only choice now?

I hope you have a safe journey home...

 

[semiphonic]

Just a thought @Molly56 he must feel awful with constantly raised BG, almost 'hungover' all the time. Are you able to pinpoint this with him and then fashion a low carb low sugar day? Maybe you could then discuss how he feels? I can guarantee he will feel more alert, more with it, less lethargic.

As I said, just a thought.....

 

[Molly56]

@Molly56

If OH was diabetic before you met him and for quite a while and hasn't taken any notice of you, well, to be honest you are wasting your breadth and your kindness and caring emotions on him.

The thing that particularly worries me is the excessive wee. Pre diagnosis that can be normal, along with eyes blurring, some lose weight etc... After diagnosis and meds the excessive weeing should stop, however because he is in denial he is now effectively killing his kidneys off.

Got to ask.. Have you actually asked OH whether "he wants to die a horrible death from diabetic complications?", or just asking him "what it will take for him to look after himself instead of you consistently worrying about him?"

I so hope, really hope that when you return home that something positive in his attitude will happen. I would so love to be proved wrong in my thinking on your OH?

Are you now a bronzed goddess walking through the butterflies? Have you been able to have the relaxation that you need?

After seeing my step sis this week fly over and see our parents after anal and stomach cancer and having a 3rd repair op when she goes home. It makes me just wonder how some people can find strength to keep fighting disease and yet your OH is headlong into self destruction.. It really concerns me that you are the one trying to fight his health battles.

However, Perhaps insulin is his only choice now?

I hope you have a safe journey home...

@donnellysdogs ...slightly off topic but ref.....the bronzed goddess walking through the butterflies...
Have just googled 'goddess of butterflies' for a bit of light relief and come up with two options...
Itzpapalotl who in Aztec mythology is a fearsome skeletal warrior goddess who ruled over the paradise world of Taomanchan...
or Psyche who is the Greek goddess of the soul...linked to Eros....
......both have their links to butterflies.....
I guess each has its merits....but which one am I most like.....I'm not sure.....
.....would like to think I am not as scary as Itzpapalotl......

 

[Molly56]

@Molly56

If OH was diabetic before you met him and for quite a while and hasn't taken any notice of you, well, to be honest you are wasting your breadth and your kindness and caring emotions on him.

The thing that particularly worries me is the excessive wee. Pre diagnosis that can be normal, along with eyes blurring, some lose weight etc... After diagnosis and meds the excessive weeing should stop, however because he is in denial he is now effectively killing his kidneys off.

Got to ask.. Have you actually asked OH whether "he wants to die a horrible death from diabetic complications?", or just asking him "what it will take for him to look after himself instead of you consistently worrying about him?"

I so hope, really hope that when you return home that something positive in his attitude will happen. I would so love to be proved wrong in my thinking on your OH?

Are you now a bronzed goddess walking through the butterflies? Have you been able to have the relaxation that you need?

After seeing my step sis this week fly over and see our parents after anal and stomach cancer and having a 3rd repair op when she goes home. It makes me just wonder how some people can find strength to keep fighting disease and yet your OH is headlong into self destruction.. It really concerns me that you are the one trying to fight his health battles.

However, Perhaps insulin is his only choice now?

I hope you have a safe journey home...

@donnellysdogs ..thank you as always for your reply....

I too am concerned about the excessive urination and will make a point of making sure it is mentioned at his next appointment with GP or diabetic nurse...I think he should be going for appointment with DN shortly, hopefully there will be a letter when we get home..
I guess I am still getting over the shock that he thinks this is ok....it was more the shock of his lack of knowledge or concern that got to me...

Am aware of what this can lead to as a next door neighbour from about 8 years ago died from complications brought on by diabetes....he was only young in his early sixties but in the end was on dialysis three times a week and lost his sight....in the end he had a heart attack which was what finally killed him but the deterioration over only a couple of years was quite quick...

I do every now and again see small glimmers of hope that he is beginning or wanting to change his attitude so will just have to encourage and work with this....hopefully once we are back home I can really get him to knuckle down.....some progress was being made before we came away and I always knew that these two weeks were going to be difficult...

I agree that we may be heading towards the insulin....I thought this three months ago but the nurse just increased the other medication...will have to wait and see what she suggests at the next appointment...

Feeling ready to come home now....has been a relaxing break despite everything I have said but just looking forward to some home comforts and getting back to my normal routines...

 

[Molly56]

And so we have reached the end of our holiday.....this time tomorrow I will be back home and back to the familiar routines...

I always knew that these two weeks whilst enjoyable and relaxing would be challenging...particularly mealtimes with so much food on offer...have as previously said had to turn a blind eye to many of his food choices and just let him get on with it. Last night for example when it was time for dessert I did suggest that one small dessert wouldn't do any harm and would be preferable to the bread rolls he was suggesting...the answer I got thrown back at me was "it's the bloody carbohydrates isn't it..." after which he went to get a small dessert, some banana and two bread rolls.......probably in defiance of my suggestion....still I guess the message is getting there even if the actions are not..

Can also sense the change in mood now that we are going home....ref to my earlier posts where I probably unkindly suggested he was a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde character when we are away and not the same person as when we are at home....will have to see how things are when we get back but fully expect that he will fall into his old habits of not getting up until late and generally not doing anything.....who knows perhaps I will be proved wrong...

Am off now for my last stroll along the beach before breakfast.....making the most of my last day before we need to check out at noon and leave for the airport at about 4pm...(time here now is 7.40am)....
....looking forward to getting home now........despite the trials and tribulations that may bring....

 

[wizardo]

Hi. Does anyone have any advice on living with a partner with type 2 diabetes which is effectively not controlled?

I am not diabetic myself but am living with my partner who has type 2 diabetes – he has been diabetic for approx. 10 – 12 years and we have been together for the last 5 years. Despite being on medication (metformin / gliclazide/ linagliptin plus various blood pressure medications) I know that his diabetes is not under control and have noticed the early signs of a number of diabetic complications including a number of forms of nerve damage amongst others.

He (reluctantly) sees the diabetic nurse about twice a year to monitor his diabetes but always promises to address this through diet and exercise but the truth is that he effectively doesn’t watch his diet and does no exercise at all – even walking is a problem due to painful joints which he puts down to arthritis - despite my best efforts to explain that keeping moving is the best remedy for this his excuse is always that he can’t do this.

Being retired and having little to do he seems to spend the majority of his life either in bed (he rarely gets up before about 11am so doesn't eat breakfast or have his medication until nearly lunchtime) or sitting watching television / reading the paper and leads a very sedentary lifestyle, often going back to bed in the afternoon for a nap for a couple of hours – and often blaming this on his diabetes!!

Am getting increasingly frustrated about the situation myself as I know from reading up on the website that there are answers to many of the problems he faces but he is either unwilling or unable to understand - I have tried on numerous occasions to explain about diet and exercise but it just falls on deaf ears.

Have spoken with my GP about this who understands my concerns and the position that I am in and is sympathetic to my dilemma.

Despite not being diabetic myself I do have some personal experience of the complications that can occur – my ex father in law died in his early sixties from complications brought on by uncontrolled diabetes and a close neighbour at my previous address had a similar experience with complications and with the same outcome – so have real concerns about what the future holds for my partner given his current circumstances.

Is there anyone else out there who is in a similar position or who could offer some friendly words of advice.

Are there any local support groups that exist that would be able to offer support or guidance to either myself or to my partner if he would accept it.

Any advice would be great, thanks

Hi. Does anyone have any advice on living with a partner with type 2 diabetes which is effectively not controlled?

I am not diabetic myself but am living with my partner who has type 2 diabetes – he has been diabetic for approx. 10 – 12 years and we have been together for the last 5 years. Despite being on medication (metformin / gliclazide/ linagliptin plus various blood pressure medications) I know that his diabetes is not under control and have noticed the early signs of a number of diabetic complications including a number of forms of nerve damage amongst others.

He (reluctantly) sees the diabetic nurse about twice a year to monitor his diabetes but always promises to address this through diet and exercise but the truth is that he effectively doesn’t watch his diet and does no exercise at all – even walking is a problem due to painful joints which he puts down to arthritis - despite my best efforts to explain that keeping moving is the best remedy for this his excuse is always that he can’t do this.

Being retired and having little to do he seems to spend the majority of his life either in bed (he rarely gets up before about 11am so doesn't eat breakfast or have his medication until nearly lunchtime) or sitting watching television / reading the paper and leads a very sedentary lifestyle, often going back to bed in the afternoon for a nap for a couple of hours – and often blaming this on his diabetes!!

Am getting increasingly frustrated about the situation myself as I know from reading up on the website that there are answers to many of the problems he faces but he is either unwilling or unable to understand - I have tried on numerous occasions to explain about diet and exercise but it just falls on deaf ears.

Have spoken with my GP about this who understands my concerns and the position that I am in and is sympathetic to my dilemma.

Despite not being diabetic myself I do have some personal experience of the complications that can occur – my ex father in law died in his early sixties from complications brought on by uncontrolled diabetes and a close neighbour at my previous address had a similar experience with complications and with the same outcome – so have real concerns about what the future holds for my partner given his current circumstances.

Is there anyone else out there who is in a similar position or who could offer some friendly words of advice.

Are there any local support groups that exist that would be able to offer support or guidance to either myself or to my partner if he would accept it.

Any advice would be great, thanks

Maybe the aching joints are down to statins, if he takes these. Might be worth giving them a miss for a while to see if the aches go away or at vey least ask the GP to try an alternative. Certainly statins got me aching pretty well straight away.

 

[Molly56]

Maybe the aching joints are down to statins, if he takes these. Might be worth giving them a miss for a while to see if the aches go away or at vey least ask the GP to try an alternative. Certainly statins got me aching pretty well straight away.

@wizardo ...Have avoided statins so far so not down to that....thanks for the suggestion though...

 

[donnellysdogs]

@Molly56

Glad to hear from you and that you will be enjoying a last beach walk. You have to be a bronzed goddess now!! I'm sure you'll be the gorgeous one!!

As for OH, thats tough. Last night by eating dessert, roll etc to me was honestly a pure act of defiance towards you. He knows how much his actions would have hurt your feelings.

However, by now you'll be returning home and I so hope theres a letter for an appointment and that somehow you can get his ignorance towards his health to change.

I really so hope that you will be able to get some small steps forward immediately. I feel for you as you are such a caring, thoughtful person with your OH best interests in your perserverance so it would be lovely to see yhat glimmer of hope return?

How has his legs been? How about the healing to his foot/leg?

Have a safe journey home, at least you have missed the bad weather here!! Bring a bit of sunshine with you please!!

 

[Enclave]

the answer I got thrown back at me was "it's the bloody carbohydrates isn't it..." after which he went to get a small dessert, some banana and two bread rolls...

Ask him to leave when you get back ... Honest if his self distruction is causing you pain and he knows this .. then send him packing .. If you don't when he looses a leg or his eye sight, he will blame you and that's a lot of guilt to lay on to someone who is just trying to help.
He's had this condition a lot of years and I don't think the BS is the problem here. It sounds like he feels trapped in a relationship he's not happy in... Poss your proactive nature is too much for him, or he is just wanting a quiet life untill he reaches the end..sooner than later. As you said it's your house .. Pack his bags and let him go .. If he goes, then you know you were wasting your time with him .. If he wants to stay .. Then lay down new house rules regards eating and sleeping AND stick to them !
Take this return from your holls as a new start .. It not right that you have to feel that the should be shielded from the harsh reality of his condition. That's not treating him with respect or an equal. You feel you must treat him as a child tiptoeing around him .. No base for a relationship. If It the way he wants to be treated .. Then let him find some one who wants and is happy to do this. Your time is too short to waste in a relationship that's not working ..

 

[douglas99]

Last night for example when it was time for dessert I did suggest that one small dessert wouldn't do any harm and would be preferable to the bread rolls he was suggesting...the answer I got thrown back at me was "it's the bloody carbohydrates isn't it..." after which he went to get a small dessert, some banana and two bread rolls.......

What do you think he would have done if you had said nothing, but just pre-empted it all by getting him (and you) a small pudding?
Would he have still gone over for the rest?

 

[Molly56]

@donnellysdogs @Enclave @graj0 ....Just testing how to upload pictures of butterflies....very tired so will have to do more later but hope this one works for now...

 

[donnellysdogs]

Absolutely stunning!!