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3:43 AM and I am afraid

Discussion in 'Ask A Question' started by martwolves, May 25, 2013.

  1. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I had a bowel resection 17 months ago, thanks to a blood clot that cut off the blood supply to my already ineffective pancreas and small bowel. I had a 30% success expectation to survive and have done very well. I am on Warfarin to control my bloods coagualency (clotting). I'm starting to get the same symptoms again, my wife and teenage daughters are asleep and don't come on here and I'm experiencing the same symptoms again since last night. I'm scared if I go through it again I may not be so fortunate. Sure diabetes is an added nuisance and I'm taking 26 tablets a day. I am worried for them and don't want to die, I take my medical instructions very seriously and to the letter, but I'm frightened to death I won't see 40. Diabetes is a stroll in the park on a sunny Sunday. I just need to get this out of my system as I don't want to die before my daughters 19 and 16 get married. I want to see my grandchildren and hold them and be the man who walks my girls down the aisle. I'm strong but also realistic. This is no feeling sorry for one's self story, I don't pity me, but life can be such an ar$e, light words indeed, but the word I would use also has 4 letters. I'm not crying, just disappointed with the way things have panned out. Just need to say to someone and get it written how I feel. I'm not feeling low/suicidal, just aggrieved. All I want is a family holiday and people are trying to convert me to being a bleeding zoned-out robot instead. Family and friends first, work to provide for the family I love, me, last. I'm happy to have half an hour on my daughter's acoustic. The neighbours don't like my Les Paul and the Marshall amp, less, especially with the BOSS high power foot effects-pedal. I love it though, FOOs, manaics, Green Day, Chilis, pumpkins, suede, et al. I don't feel down, if this persists tomorrow, I'll go to my specialist, it MAY, be a blip. I know my body though. If the news isn't good. The neighbours can ****** off, as we all submit a request as a family, I play and whoever chooses sings vocals. Take care brothers and sisters, the...almost gave my name away, martwolves will try to give objective advice. Sleep well.

    X
     
  2. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    PS: I am now going to enjoy a fag. Sorry. Been 5 days without, what's one going to do? Cue rebuke for being weak. It'll be my last one though. Guaranteed. Don't need any more trouble knocking on my door.
     
  3. mrman

    mrman Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi mart, hope it is just a blip for you and its not what u think, all the best.

    Sent from my GT-S5360 using DCUK Forum mobile app
     
  4. weeezer

    weeezer · Well-Known Member

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    Oh mart :( I do hope you are wrong, things always seem much much worse in the wee hours, when it's dark & everyone else is asleep and you can't.

    Get yourself go the walk in docs, or a&e, you have experience of how it feels and if you think it's happening again, GO...far better to be wrong and checked out/sent home than to be right and sat at home doing nothing about it. Please go?

    Can understand you not wanting to alarm your family, but sounds like you sure need their support...stop trying to be the strong silent type who is just coping & keeping this from them. I'm sure they'd rather know, then they can help (& pester you to get checked out)

    Let us know what happens...don't wait til Monday for dr's surgery, the nhs operates 24 hrs a day for reasons like yours. Sending love & strength xx


    Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
     
  5. mo1905

    mo1905 Type 1 · BANNED

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    Strong words Mart. Really hope this turns out to be nothing but, as you say, you know you're own body. For this reason alone, please get to see a doc today, go to A&E if you have to mate. Good luck and please keep us updated. As for the guitar, you play it and I'll hum it boy.........
     
  6. daisy1

    daisy1 Type 2 · Legend
    Retired Moderator

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    Hi Mart - I hope you are seeing the Doctor now as other members have strongly recommended and I wish you luck that things won't turn out to be what you are afraid of. Never mind the fag it probably helped you. Will think of you today.
     
  7. weeezer

    weeezer · Well-Known Member

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    Notice you're online...how are things? Been thinking about you all morning x


    Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
     
  8. Sid Bonkers

    Sid Bonkers Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Mart, I cant even get close to being in your shoes but I did have an episode a few years back when I really didnt care if I lived or died and as I was wheeled into intensive care to be intubated I just wanted them to get on with it so I was in an induced coma and not struggling to breathe, since then I have had a couple of morbid moments when doom came upon me, usually after acquaintances had died and all those feelings flood back.

    Anyway,,,,,,,,,,,,,,that load of old rubbish above was just me trying to empathise with you and how you maybe feel about your life at times, at the end of the day though nothing is certain and the symptoms you think you have that are the same as before may be something or nothing and until you get the news one way or another from your doctor I would say try not to worry about things that might not be happening. Or put another way, things you cant change.

    Which brings me nicely round to what you can change :D

    Check out the Roland Micro Cube amp, they're small cheap and sound amazing, I have a small 5w Fender valve amp but usually end up using my Cube as it sounds great at very low volumes even with overdrives or a fuzz box just turn down the "level" on your pedal and you will get a great sound at "bedroom" levels. Theres even a headphone socket for silent practice for when you want to make your ears bleed :D

    [​IMG]

    Ive owned several larger valve combos in my time from old Twin Reverbs through to a Peavey 4 x10 classic 50 and these little Cubes still impress me every day. You really can get a great overdriven or distorted sounds at very low levels.

    Rock on [​IMG] And I really hope your feeling better today :thumbup:
     
  9. Thundercat

    Thundercat · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Mart. How are you feeling today? I hope you got to see a doctor. Thinking of you and wishing you well

    Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
     
  10. punto53

    punto53 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi mart hope your feeling much better in yourself and do go to see your gp . We all wake up early worrying about things and they always seem far worse our minds are working overtime when we are on our own so please go and talk with your doctor. Good luck!

    Sent from the Diabetes Forum App
     
  11. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Thank you all for your friendly, kick in the ass help! I caught 7 buses today for a routine blood clotting test. I then to see my dad to visit as I haven't seen him in yonks. A wise man once said,"live every day like it's your last". I do. O was over tired, got home at 9pm and was knackered last night. I may have had a nightmare, but the symptoms are there. My wife has so much on her plate medically, I can"t tell her. The signs are there and I know there is no "play" in logistics. 2 mtrs of dead bowel/intestine was removed, what I have is what I have. Bank holiday means I'm screwed and I can arrange an appointment on tuesday. I just wish I wasn't so foolish in my youth. All small problrems add up to a big one. If I could live my life again...I somehow think of NINs Hurt. I cannot undo that, which has been done. I never meant to post the original post. If I could, I'd never have posted it. A fragile me is no good for anyone. I am strengthened though by your support.
     
  12. Thundercat

    Thundercat · Well-Known Member

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    Mart you offer help and support to a lot of people here, let us be a help and support for you. You don't have to be strong all the time, it's okay to let go your hold. If it is the worst case scenario spotting the symptoms early can only be an advantage. My heart goes out to you Mart. Pour out your thoughts freely here, there are a lot of us to lean on
     
  13. izzzi

    izzzi Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hi,Mart.SORRY I HAVE JUST SEEN THINGS THAT READ WRONG. I WILL TRY TO DELETE THE MESSAGE
     
  14. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    I've been to bletchley, fenny stratford, MK many many times. I didn't know marshall were from there, izzzi. Also, I don't know what I put in my OP as I was shaking through lack of sleep/fag/drink, but I haven't told anyone I know personally about how I feel and told you lot to get it off my chest. So to your dismay, they are not adding to my already unbearable discomfort, grief, foreboding and almost (though I wouldn't) suicidal feelings. So sorry, go on, have a go at me about how superior you are and much better nick you're in. Please. DO NOT POST ON MY THREADS AGAIN. I ignored your cretinous poem, now please get lost. In the words of green day, "I don't know you, but I think I hate you, you're the reason for my misery..." Please don't reply, I've only ever had pi$$ takes from you, so do the right thing and avoid me. I don't need people like you chiding me right now.
     
  15. izzzi

    izzzi Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Sorry Mart, you read me wrong.However Point taken.
    Roy.
     
  16. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Roy

    Sorry, it was that sarky bloody p taking poem. It was full of vitriol and hatred. It was nasty and if you can explain it I may reconsider. It was a personal attack on a different topic. If you'd put it on here, fine. I was taking time out from trying to helpful and let off some steam and relax and then that. There was no need. You probably have little idea how I feel if you want me to have more of a hard time off my girls and wife than I already do. Why? Why not say I hope you're able to tell them soon, but you're hurting too much already to even tell yourself and when you do tell them I hope they give you all the love and support they have always done? What's wrong with that, Roy? Too soft for your facade? Why do you give me such a hard time? Have I personally offended you. If I have I apologise. I don't personally get off on putting others down with lame put-downs and cheap shots. That's chump change and what bullies do.

    Yours openly and honestly

    Mart
     
  17. Faith*

    Faith* · Well-Known Member

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    Hi Mart,
    So sorry to hear of everything your going through at the moment, fingers crossed that everything is ok and as you say it is just a blip, perhaps the new found warm weather is playing havoc with your body, I know it doesn't always agree with my body. Definitely see if you can go to the doctors and get investigated early...
    I'm sure you've many years to see your lovely daughters marry and have children.
    Have faith, you've offered us all some wonderful support so I hope we can support you too through this difficult time.
    Thinking of you xx
     
  18. izzzi

    izzzi Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Mart,
    There is no excuse for my stupid actions.

    I have just read that so called poem and now understand why it is not good.

    I honestly thought it was humerus at that time

    I have mild dyslexia and don't always see or fully understand what I print.But that is no reason for bad and unfair unintended comments.

    Again I take your point,
    This is a first for me to be put in my place on this forum and I shall be far more careful not to offend in future.

    Apart from the wind up regarding cigs, Everything I wrote was meant to be a compliment to you and your family.

    Roy.
     
  19. martwolves

    martwolves Type 1 · Well-Known Member

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    Roy

    It's the bigger man who can own up to his mistakes.

    That is admirable of you and I thank you for taking my feelings into consideration.

    I accept your apology.

    Thanks mate.

    Mart.
     
  20. punto53

    punto53 · Well-Known Member

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