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Frustrated with my husband

Pippa1961

Pippa1961

Member
Messages
12
Location
Co. Durham
Type of diabetes
Treatment type
Tablets (oral)
Dislikes
Bullying, discrimination
I could with a 'I need to vent' board :p

I'll start with a bit of background so this post makes sense. In 2011 my husband decided he wanted to lose weight and saw the doctor about going down the route of bariatric surgery so was referred to the bariatric clinic. We attended the information evening and my husband was keen to go ahead with this so he had to start of with blood tests. This was when he found out he was diabetic and his blood sugar level was about 30.1 so was taken into hospital for it to be monitored overnight. He came home the next day and it had frightened him into having a 'better' diet. - A side note is his mother couldn't cook so he got bad habits as he wouldn't eat much of her food.

He did maintain a goodish diet until about 14 - 15 months ago, it's hard work to get him to eat any veg or fruit anyway, but then his diet has worsened. Now that I am diabetic as well I am starting to eat better a better diet as I like most things and I don't eat potatoes and white bread much anyway. My problem is trying to get my husband to improve his diet. I've done the obvious of cooking healthy meals but the problem is when I'm not there. I help out at a lunch club twice a week and I don't want to give that up because of my husband eating what he shouldn't . Any bright ideas?
 
Can you tell us a bit more about his condition? what is his Blood sugar level like now. Does he self test. Does he have other conditions? Are there no vegetables he likes? Many fruits are high in sugar. Some supermarket ready meals. Have quite low carbohydrate content. That is how I started.
 
one question - a bit facetious - but who buys the food? Only buy the food for the healthy meals. Would that work?
 
Hi Pippa
You sound like you are in a very similar position to that of @Molly56 who posts here....do a search on her posts.. She has really tried and tried to improve her partners habits of eating, and has made some progress.. But she has made huge efforts to do this too...

You are quite right to go out and to be able to live your life unless you want to end up as being a locked in Carer to your partner. Twice a week of lunchtime club is important to you, and what your partner does whilst your out is his responsibility or stupidity... It will take a lot to change his habits.. I rather feel that he is doing it because he feels that this is his escape time too! My hubby used to "pig" when at work or I wasn't around....

There is pretty much one person in a couple or family that makes the decisions on food and cooking it.... Are you this person? I was, so when I was not with him at work etc he felt that he could just pig himself. (I always lean, he now lost 4st and normal bmi)

So, I went with him to a counsellor, not just about food... This enabled me to raise things that bothered me and vice versa...and binging unecessarily was raised, lack of life etc... Tough talking counsellor gave him and me a better life since.

We did food lists between us.. So it was joint decisions on food for week.
He decided he would put loose change only on his vending card at work-enough for coffees only.
I really took note of a posting that @phoenix did talking about fat (eating, not weight).
I changed our foods to include more fats and stopped buying bread and weetabix, rice n pasta for just him. Chucked it out at home.

His attitude to food now is totally different. He does still go out and buy a bar of chocolate if I'm out having a meal with friends by myself. He does 99% of the cooking now.he is not diabetic. I am.

Does he still come under the batriatic team of health care persons? Is he interested in life?
 
this is too difficult two said:
Can you tell us a bit more about his condition? what is his Blood sugar level like now. Does he self test. Does he have other conditions? Are there no vegetables he likes? Many fruits are high in sugar. Some supermarket ready meals. Have quite low carbohydrate content. That is how I started.
Click to expand...

My husband rarely self tests these days. For about 12 - 18 months he was self testing regularly and was eating well. One doctor in his wisdom decided that Rick (husband) was 'doing everything right' and didn't need to be on medication. About a month or so later his blood sugar levels got worse so he to go back on Metformin. It's been downhill ever since.

Rick also has angina and went on a course soon after being diagnosed. It included exercise, the importance of keeping teeth clean and diet. The British Heart Foundation and cardiac nurse let me included on the sessions - I would read while did the exercise then go in - which was very useful. He also has sleep apnea, arthritis in his back and a trapped nerve in his back. Losing weight would ease his back and trapped nerve.

Rick will eat a few peas and sweetcorn but that's it, putting veg on his plate is wasted as he will leave it. My dog eats a healthier diet than he does. The only fruit he will eat is banana but usually I'm the one who eats it. We sometimes get ready meals in and I will check the contents as the course Rick had to do was very helpful on the healthy eating section. It's almost as if he is denial how bad his condition is even with ending up in hospital with an angina attack. He had a good talking to over his diet at the same time and the doctor told him that a good diet would help his diabetes as well as the angina.

When the food shopping is done we go together so I do pick up the healthy food. The problem is when he's on his own or out with friends even though our friends know he is diabetic.

Rick never took it any further with the bariatric team.

He's got back into bad habits generally such as not using his machine for sleep apnea as well so is sleeping his life away. It's been a while since he has been to that clinic but has an appointment in November. I go with him to those appointments so I can make sure he's honest. His next appointment with the cardiac consultant is about a week after that one and again I will make sure he's honest.

I don't know what will get Rick out of his denial that his diet needs improving but seeing a counsellor does sound like a good idea.
 
Pippa1961 said:
My husband rarely self tests these days. For about 12 - 18 months he was self testing regularly and was eating well. One doctor in his wisdom decided that Rick (husband) was 'doing everything right' and didn't need to be on medication. About a month or so later his blood sugar levels got worse so he to go back on Metformin. It's been downhill ever since.

Rick also has angina and went on a course soon after being diagnosed. It included exercise, the importance of keeping teeth clean and diet. The British Heart Foundation and cardiac nurse let me included on the sessions - I would read while did the exercise then go in - which was very useful. He also has sleep apnea, arthritis in his back and a trapped nerve in his back. Losing weight would ease his back and trapped nerve.

Rick will eat a few peas and sweetcorn but that's it, putting veg on his plate is wasted as he will leave it. My dog eats a healthier diet than he does. The only fruit he will eat is banana but usually I'm the one who eats it. We sometimes get ready meals in and I will check the contents as the course Rick had to do was very helpful on the healthy eating section. It's almost as if he is denial how bad his condition is even with ending up in hospital with an angina attack. He had a good talking to over his diet at the same time and the doctor told him that a good diet would help his diabetes as well as the angina.

When the food shopping is done we go together so I do pick up the healthy food. The problem is when he's on his own or out with friends even though our friends know he is diabetic.

Rick never took it any further with the bariatric team.

He's got back into bad habits generally such as not using his machine for sleep apnea as well so is sleeping his life away. It's been a while since he has been to that clinic but has an appointment in November. I go with him to those appointments so I can make sure he's honest. His next appointment with the cardiac consultant is about a week after that one and again I will make sure he's honest.

I don't know what will get Rick out of his denial that his diet needs improving but seeing a counsellor does sound like a good idea.
Click to expand...


Hello Pippa1961. I used to struggle with my eating but then I read a book by Dr. Mark Hyman called: The Blood Sugar Solution 10-Day Detox Diet: Activate Your Body's Natural Ability to Burn Fat and Lose Weight Fast. I had tried several times to change my eating habits but after buying this book and following it to the letter (well almost) I have lost weight, am sleeping better (I too had sleep apnea but it seems to no longer be a problem) and my blood sugar readings have come down..
The reason this way worked for me was that I got rid of all the processed food and cut out anything which contains gluten. I no longer have a bloated stomach, nor do I have constipation (my bowels move 1 to 3 times every 24 hours). The aching in my finger joints (which my doctor said were arthritis) have completely stopped aching, aprt from a light twinge if I use my keyboard for too long - over 2 hours at a time).

My day starts with porridge (without sugar or honey or any form of sweetner), for lunch I have a smoothie consisting of chia seeds, flax seeds, almonds,frozen berries, spinach, avocado, 1 tblspoon of almond butter. Mark Hyman's book has several recipes.For tea time I usually have a piece of baked fish or chicken with steamed vegetables (still crunchie) or a salad. I keep away from the starchy veg as they raise my blood sugar too much.

The reason I started this 'clean' eating is because I had friends who had T2 diabetes, didn't change their eating habits and now can no longer walk, and one of them had to have his foot amputated. I didn't want that to happen to me!

I also try to walk for 30 minutes each day. When I do I feel so good but if I miss my walk I feel more tired, weird huh?

With your husband you may need to start him off slowly just a small glass of smoothie to start with then gradually as he gets used to them you can try more varieties and larger glasses.

GOOD LUCK! And may you have a healthy husband by this time next year.
Carol
 
Pippa1961 said:
I could with a 'I need to vent' board :p

I'll start with a bit of background so this post makes sense. In 2011 my husband decided he wanted to lose weight and saw the doctor about going down the route of bariatric surgery so was referred to the bariatric clinic. We attended the information evening and my husband was keen to go ahead with this so he had to start of with blood tests. This was when he found out he was diabetic and his blood sugar level was about 30.1 so was taken into hospital for it to be monitored overnight. He came home the next day and it had frightened him into having a 'better' diet. - A side note is his mother couldn't cook so he got bad habits as he wouldn't eat much of her food.

He did maintain a goodish diet until about 14 - 15 months ago, it's hard work to get him to eat any veg or fruit anyway, but then his diet has worsened. Now that I am diabetic as well I am starting to eat better a better diet as I like most things and I don't eat potatoes and white bread much anyway. My problem is trying to get my husband to improve his diet. I've done the obvious of cooking healthy meals but the problem is when I'm not there. I help out at a lunch club twice a week and I don't want to give that up because of my husband eating what he shouldn't . Any bright ideas?
Click to expand...

@Pippa1961 ...just wanted to say hello and I know how you feel....as @donnellysdogs said it looks like a similar situation to where I am..
I do try to steer my partner in the right direction but it can be real tough at times....especially at the moment as we are away on holiday and there is so much temptation there.
I do get stressed and frustrated ....and do tend to vent my frustration on here at times...if nothing else it allows me to get it out of my head and then I can try and get on with my day...
Wishing you all the best and if you want to talk anytime let me know :)....perhaps we can have an 'I need to vent' conversation sometime..;)
 
The book sounds ideal for me, I prefer cooking from scratch as I know exactly what's going into my meals. Rick, on the other hand, a processed food addict. Trying to get him to eat better can be a daily battle if I let it be. I've tried cooking meals that are good for us and he will veg for example on his plate. I am worried that Rick will end up in hospital due to his refusal to accept that his diet is bad. As it is Rick has a partially black toenail on his big toe and waiting for results to come back. He's already been warned that thetoenail may have to be taken off.
 
It must be so difficult to be in the position you are in but ultimately your husband is the one who must decide that he wants to change. You can not be there to police him at all times. You are his wife not his well intentioned jailer.

I imagine that the matter of his diet and lack of diabetic care is a subject that you have discussed with him frequently.

Does he even acknowledge the need to improve his habits or does he just refuse to even discuss the matter. We men are very good at refusing to discuss issues we do not like or do not know how to resolve to our satisfaction.

At a guess, I would say that the issue goes a lot further than just greed and bad eating habits. I suspect that there are underlying issues of self image and low self esteem, underpinning his negative attitude to change. He must believe that he is worth making the change for and that he is capable of succeeding in the change before he will commit to attempt it.

Nagging and complaining would probably be counterproductive if this is the case, as it would only serve to lower his self esteem even further.

That is why I believe that counseling, as has been suggested in an earlier post, would be a good idea for both of you.

Best of luck.

Pavlos
 
Hi Pippa, I don't know if anyone else has suggested this but it sounds as if he is severely depressed. Is it possible to talk to his GP or nurse at the clinic. Depression can be such a viscious circle - your're depressed, you don't care about your health or anything else, then feel depressed because things are not going how they should. Even harder is getting someone to admit they are depressed because there is such a stigma about mental health issues. Good luck, I hope you can get him back on track.
 
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