- Messages
- 433
- Type of diabetes
- Type 1
- Treatment type
- Pump
- Dislikes
- People telling me how to control my diabetes. My health. Isms. People walking their dogs off leads in illegal areas. Meat that bleeds. Late buses.
Even trying to write this is churning my stomach and yet it seems so little compared with the struggles of others.
cw: BDD dieting, mentions of weight
I have not been to clinic in three years. Because they weigh me there, and then the nurses tell me and they comment. I cannot handle it. I suffer from BDD. My notes contain records of when I lost weight pre-pump on a programme (one of those the magazines flog ect) and now it is held as my standard. I got down to a weight to the point where if I bought bras told me that if I list more weight they could not get a bra to fit me as I would have a child's back size and British sized JJ cups (yes you read that right.). I was miserable. My back couldn't support my chest. I was obsessing over every number. Carb, calorie, carb calorie, ect. I'd starve myself after hypos because I had lost carbs to treating it. I was praised all the time but was a mess.
Once I let myself eat again, without the counting, I gained weight. I am now bigger than before. The last time I was at clinic I was smaller than now and they made a point of telling me that I had 'a sustainable weight increase'. Given we are weighed in chairs I felt like a scorned child. Again. When I had DKA as a kid I was underweight and was scorned and had X put on growth charts until I was heavy enough without getting any advice on how to properly do that other than 'eat more'.
I could not face being scorned that way again in clinic. I can't face being weighed. My nurse says that if I go and tell them not to tell me anything they can't but I don't trust them. I've asked them that before as I was recovering from DKA and they told me anyway.
I don't want to cause a scene because I refuse to go in. I don't want to have an argument because I have social anxiety and the thought makes my stomach curl. I just want to deal with my diabetes.
cw: BDD dieting, mentions of weight
I have not been to clinic in three years. Because they weigh me there, and then the nurses tell me and they comment. I cannot handle it. I suffer from BDD. My notes contain records of when I lost weight pre-pump on a programme (one of those the magazines flog ect) and now it is held as my standard. I got down to a weight to the point where if I bought bras told me that if I list more weight they could not get a bra to fit me as I would have a child's back size and British sized JJ cups (yes you read that right.). I was miserable. My back couldn't support my chest. I was obsessing over every number. Carb, calorie, carb calorie, ect. I'd starve myself after hypos because I had lost carbs to treating it. I was praised all the time but was a mess.
Once I let myself eat again, without the counting, I gained weight. I am now bigger than before. The last time I was at clinic I was smaller than now and they made a point of telling me that I had 'a sustainable weight increase'. Given we are weighed in chairs I felt like a scorned child. Again. When I had DKA as a kid I was underweight and was scorned and had X put on growth charts until I was heavy enough without getting any advice on how to properly do that other than 'eat more'.
I could not face being scorned that way again in clinic. I can't face being weighed. My nurse says that if I go and tell them not to tell me anything they can't but I don't trust them. I've asked them that before as I was recovering from DKA and they told me anyway.
I don't want to cause a scene because I refuse to go in. I don't want to have an argument because I have social anxiety and the thought makes my stomach curl. I just want to deal with my diabetes.
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