Even trying to write this is churning my stomach and yet it seems so little compared with the struggles of others. cw: BDD dieting, mentions of weight I have not been to clinic in three years. Because they weigh me there, and then the nurses tell me and they comment. I cannot handle it. I suffer from BDD. My notes contain records of when I lost weight pre-pump on a programme (one of those the magazines flog ect) and now it is held as my standard. I got down to a weight to the point where if I bought bras told me that if I list more weight they could not get a bra to fit me as I would have a child's back size and British sized JJ cups (yes you read that right.). I was miserable. My back couldn't support my chest. I was obsessing over every number. Carb, calorie, carb calorie, ect. I'd starve myself after hypos because I had lost carbs to treating it. I was praised all the time but was a mess. Once I let myself eat again, without the counting, I gained weight. I am now bigger than before. The last time I was at clinic I was smaller than now and they made a point of telling me that I had 'a sustainable weight increase'. Given we are weighed in chairs I felt like a scorned child. Again. When I had DKA as a kid I was underweight and was scorned and had X put on growth charts until I was heavy enough without getting any advice on how to properly do that other than 'eat more'. I could not face being scorned that way again in clinic. I can't face being weighed. My nurse says that if I go and tell them not to tell me anything they can't but I don't trust them. I've asked them that before as I was recovering from DKA and they told me anyway. I don't want to cause a scene because I refuse to go in. I don't want to have an argument because I have social anxiety and the thought makes my stomach curl. I just want to deal with my diabetes.