I'm having a tough time with myself

Lucie75

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302
Type of diabetes
Type 1
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I only joined this website yesterday so excuse me while I jump right in but I need some support and/or advice.

I have had type 1 since childhood, can't remember life without it, and it was all going swimmingly until I had children. When my eldest son was 2.5 yrs old I fell into a hypoglycaemic coma while at home alone with him. My husband works night shifts so I'm at home alone with our children every night of the week. I just need to talk about it and this seems as good a place as any. I've been beating myself up about it since it happened 2 years ago and it's still very raw inside. I often still cry about it when no-one's around so please bear with me.

I lay unconscious on the floor for about 5 hours. I'm only guessing at this from what I can remember before I lost consciousness. My poor son was just 2.5 yrs old, back door open (as it was summer), front door not locked (as I was there). Any number of things could've happened to him. Luckily nothing did happen, except he couldn't wake his mum up. What did he do for 5 hours alone? I know you can't answer this but these are the sort of questions going round in my head. I can't remember much about it but I can recall hearing him trying to wake me, shouting at me. At that age he did know that lucozade was needed when I went 'a bit funny' so he got me some but couldn't open it. This is what makes me cry (as I am now). I can imagine him getting upset because he couldn't open the bottle. He must've hit me with the bottle out of anger because I did have bruising a few days after. I was found by my parents, laid on the floor with my son sat next to me patting me. I can also recall hearing them come in and my mum saying 'Oh God, help me get her up', to my dad.

They managed to bring me round on their own, by which time it was into the evening. Of course my son had not had anything to eat or drink in that time. The guilt I feel is just unmeasurable. To think that he had to go through that, and tried to help but couldn't. How must he have felt? He says he can't remember it now (he's 4 now), and I hope he can't but the possibilities of what could've happened are endless. I just keep picturing him coming to realise that I wasn't playing a game and I really wouldn't wake up.

Sorry to go on for so long, but I guess people on here are more likely to be able to relate to this than anyone else.
 

sugarless sue

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Hi Lucie, a very traumatic experience for you!
Have you ever discussed this with a professional ? It obviously preys on your mind a lot.
Thankfully nothing bad did happen and you and your son are fine now. We all re run traumatic events through our minds again and again to try and make sense of them but what you must focus on is that nothing bad did happen to your son that day. I hope that you will try and seek professional counselling for this if you cannot get it out of your mind, it does help talking about these things and hearing someone else's thoughts on it.
Best of luck with it.
 

Celtic.Piskie

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-hugs-

I cannot imagine what that must have been like for you.
You DIABETES did something. Yor condition / illness.
NOT YOU. You did not choose to leve him alone, you did not choose to go out and ignore him.
Something happened that you could not control. If you'd felt a hypo, you would have treated it, yes?
You are in no way to blame for this.
It was an accident.
My daughter's 18 months old now. I am in no way comparing experiences, but i know that I feel bad when I have a hypo when i'm alone with her.
I feel guilty for having diabetes.
But, there is nothing we can do about it. We have it, and we have to live with it.
Your son loves you, and you will always do everything that you an to keep him safe, yes?
What more could a child need? you obviously love him more than anything.

Anyone can have an accident. Anyone could have fallen down stairs, or had a heart attack, or tripped.
You are not to blame in any way. Your son loves you, and you love him.

We cannot control the world. As much as we wish, we cannot 'wish' the diabetes away.
You will always choose to protect him.
That is all that matters. We cannol what we cannot choose, and you'll always choose to protect him.

-hugs- He is okay, and he loves you.
 

Debloubed

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you poor love, I felt every word as I was reading that as a similar thing has happened to me. I guess the only thing to remember is it's not your fault! you didn't ask for Diabetes, and you deal with it the best you can. I've had some horrible, horrible hypo's since my daughter has been born (12 years ago) and x3 of them she needed external help whether it be Paramedics or my boyfriend or my parents. I will say this, kids are resourceful and I am almost crying with pride that your son went and got the Lucozade bottle!! Bless him!! Even so young, he knew what you needed. Just thank whomever it is you give thanks to that your parents came over and helped you.

Sometimes you just need to share your story! So, thanks :)

Tip - your children are older now, yes? I have a printed list of numbers taped to the wall by the phone and all emergency numbers pre-typed into the phone and have done this since my daughter was old enough to dial. If nothing else, they have helped my daughter stay calm if she needs to call for help.
 

leggott

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533
Hi, Please don't beat yourself up about it. I don't have diabetes but my husband does and so do two of my children. They have seen my husband when he had a bad hypo in the early hours of the morning and I was trying to revive him. I thought they would get very upset as they too have diabetes and would know that that could happen to them so I tried to stop them coming in the room. In fact they did see and it didn't upset them and they've never mentioned it since. As your son was so young, he won't remember anything and as other people have said, kids are very resiliant about these things. Often it's the things that we don't worry about that upset kids the most, so please don't beat yourself up about something that was not your fault. If you look at the situation in another light, it shows how caring and mature he was to get you your lucozade and try and make you drink it. He probably did get a little annoyed at you for not responding and drinking it, but that again shows what a devoted little boy you have. It's only natural for you to think back to this moment as it show's how much you care about your son. We all think back to moments in our lives which have been upsetting, but time is a great healer and helps us deal with things that happen. You are both so lucky to have each other and at the end of the day that is really all that matters.
 

cugila

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Hi Lucie.
I read your post and I agree with what has been said here by all the posters. All very supportive which is what this forum is fantastic at. In particular I agree with Sugarless Sue who has suggested that you might benefit from some professional counselling.

You quite obviously haven't dealt with the incident which is why you keep referring back to it, a bit like post traumatic stress. You need to address this with the right help. I suffered PTS some years ago after a series of trauma's relating to both work and family life, bereavements. I was able to get through it and put everything into perspective by talking with a trained counsellor.They can and do work. I am sure you would benefit from this sort of therapy.

Get an appointment with your GP and discuss openly how you feel, let him/her see your genuine tears, your trauma. Ask for and get a referral to an appropriate counsellor. It will be the first step you take to dealing with this and coming to terms with what happened. You will make yourself much worse by worrying over it all the time. I know I did. Keep posting and let us know how you feel, how you get on. The people here want to help you, you can see that by what has been said.

I wish you well.
 

joelcam

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167
Really feel for you and I can imagine that the same thought would be going around in my head too...

Even if your little one did remeber (which I doubt) they would understand that it was something that was not your fault...don't feel bad. Your little one will not be affected by it.

Being a parent (which I am, have 2 boys 4 and 5) you will always want the best for them and I used to constantly judge myself and the decisions I made about their upbringing but to constantly judge yourself is to constantly create pain for yourself.

You need to accept what has happened and stop worrying about it. If you spend your whole life worrying about something that has already happened (the incident) OR what will happen in the future (will my kid remember etc) you will have spent your whole life worrying about the past (which has happened) and the future (which never really happens). Focus on the present moment and do all you can to make the present moment as good as it can be, that is the only time that you can actually do something about your situation. Whenever you feel yourself going into the past/future bring yourself back or you'll end up regretting wasting your life worrying about things you cannot change.

Hope this kinda makes sense, I live by it and never find myself feeling down about anything.

JC
 

kegstore

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Lucie

Well done for finding this place and having the courage to talk about what happened to you. I'm sure quite a lot of diabetics have horror stories about bad hypos, and they're a terribly personal thing that really stick with you. As others have said, don't feel guilty about what could have happened, it didn't. But clearly you're still worried.

Counselling can be very helpful so do go to your GP and tell him/her how you feel. I did this a couple of years back after my worst hypo ever, and the support was definitely there when I needed it. PTSD is a horrible thing but you can get through it.

How is your hypo awareness? Given your home circumstances you might be successful in getting CGM funded. Worth a try, although I still get the occasional really bad hypo that the system doesn't catch, their frequency is much reduced.
 

hanadr

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Lucie
Many years ago, I taught my then 3 year old (now a mother herself) what to do if Daddy was ill and she was with him. she had to just once, when he had a hypo with a seizure in the supermarket( she was just turned 4). She knew what to say to the manager and her name, address and phone number and how to phone 999. Daddy was picked up by ambulance, taken to hospital and all turned out well
It isn't as traumatic for a young child as you might think. they can't think ahead to what could happen, so just take things in their stride. Especially if they've been trained.
Hana
 

Julia

Member
Messages
17
Hi there,
I can totally understand how you feel. I too am a full-time Mum with Type 1. I wasn't going to have a child due to my diabetes, but she's the best thing that has ever happened to me. I thought about what I would do at home having a hypo and my Dad suggested that I get a community alarm. I wear this small necklace around my neck when I'm in and if I ever felt like I was going into one I just press the button and it goes into a centre that fields my call. They have a door key and can be with me in 5 mins. It cost only a few pound a month but it is a great peace of mind. They do this service in most cities. The number to call is 02920 614852 they will be able to direct you for your area.
You must get help to talk about this with someone. It is basically your worst nitemare come true. But you have faced it and dealt with it. Only an extremely loving, compassionate and kind mother would have been as deeply affected as you have been, so your son is one lucky little fella to have a Mum like that. For his sake you must let it go and focus on enjoying him and consider that your body - although you cannot control it all the time made this little person and that it a wonderful achievement. One episode like is this is nothing compared to the lifetime of love, affection and care I'm sure he is going to get.
I wish you all the best.

Julia xxxxxxxxxxxx
 

Lucie75

Well-Known Member
Messages
302
Type of diabetes
Type 1
Treatment type
Pump
Thanks everyone for your comments. There have certainly been some things mentioned that I haven't thought about before. Sometimes I just think I blow it out of all proportion but it is frightening when I think of what could've happened.

I might follow up the suggestion of going to my GP about it.

Thanks all.
 

rgarcha

Member
Messages
17
My heart goes out to you, i know exactly how you feel, as something similar happened to me, 5 years ago. The only differance is that my daughter was only 3 months old at the time, tiny little baby.

I just put her down at time, and i layed on the sofa to get a quick nap, close by to her mose basket. All i can remember, was the time which was 12.00pm, and me on the sofa, everything was locket, the back door and the front door. At some point while resting i must of had a massive hypo, open the front door wide open, and the back door, and i remember waking up in the middle of the garden, its very dark, and my husband standing over me. It was middle of winter at the time, freezing cold. When i came around i couldnt stand and i had massive cuts and brusies every where, i managed to break my ankle, cheek bone, a finger and a massive cut to my head which needed stiches. We have stairs in the garden that goes down to the patio area, i was at the bottom of these stairs.

Like you i was feeling very guilty about the whole thing, what if someone came in the house, and kidnapped her, she must of been crying for hours, she must of been really destressed, all the what if's where going through my head endlessly. I had to have some form of conselling at the at end, as i kept crying over and over again, blaming myself for the whole thing. I even made things worse for myself, by keeping my bg's high, so i never hypo again, which wasnt the correct thing to do.

All i can say to you, is what was said to me. Just count your blessings that nothing happened to your son, and also that your still here to love him and care for him, and give him everything you dream to give him. God has given you a second chance, to be there for him. Just think, if your parents never found you, what would be the out come.

We are all here to support you, and help you, and we all understand, your pain, and feeling upset, but just remember, its not you to blame its your condition, and we all have live with it the best we can.
God bless
 

spinningwoman

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Messages
70
Poor you - and brave you to tell it here.

The way you tell the story over to yourself makes a big difference. Can you sit down with someone you trust, or just to yourself in the mirror, and tell it like this? 'We are so lucky/the angels must have been watching over us - I had a hypo when I was alone with my son and the door was unlocked I wasn't found for five hours - so many bad things could have happened and yet none of them did, and my son was safe and even did what he could to help, and my parents came round in the nick of time and knew what to do. That was the worst thing I could have imagined and yet we survived it and we're fine and I'm so proud of him.'

It is all the same facts, but such a different story. It is worth telling it out loud, even to the mirror - words that come in through our ears get treated with respect by our brains even when it is we who are saying them. Smile when you are telling it. Tell it over again whenever you start dwelling on it. Every time you go over a memory, you reshape it a little, and although it sounds a bit artificial, it really does work. It's not false - the second way of telling the story is just as valid with regard to the facts; it is what a naturally optimistic person would say without thinking.

Think how you would want to tell the story to your son, about how brave he was, and how he was fine even though he was so little, and he was so sensible to try and help you. It could become one of the big family stories that he actually likes to hear, and if there was any memory of the incident it would give him a positive shape to remember it in.