Is it too late for me?

[kitsunerin]

So I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 13 years ago. I can't believe it, it seems like such a long time ago but it feels like nothing. I remember the initial shock, denial and well, I guess I never got out of that. I was basically told 'you are diabetic', stuck into a hospital for a week and shown how to inject and such, then just discharged. Basically just 'good luck'. I wasn't told how to carb count, I didn't even know I was supposed to rotate my injection sites until 2 years later when a doctor mentioned it in passing. Wales NHS was great then, haha.

So now I am 29 and only just learning how much insulin to take, how to count carbs and such. My blood sugars have been within normal range for the past 3 days and it feels good. This is the only time in my life where they have been. Before this, my normal readings were 15-32. I've been to hospital three times with ketoacidosis, once where I was in a coma for three days. I didn't care at the time. I wanted to die.

A few years after my diabetes I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression, later social anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. I'm on 200mg a day of sertraline for those and it makes me able to function at least.

I used to be terrified of my diabetes doctor. I would try and explain to him that I felt too depressed to test and take insulin and that frankly, I would rather be dead. He just told me to take diabetes more seriously, and that just had the opposite effect on me and I spiralled into even worse self-care.

A year after my diagnosis I attempted suicide twice that year. Prior to that I was raped by my ex-boyfriend and never told anyone until almost 10 years later. Everything else, mostly mental health just seemed to block my diabetes.

So now I want to get better. But I'm afraid.

I feel that 13 years of bad control has basically doomed me into an early grave. I'm 29 now and I've always expected to be dead before 40. But now I have a fiance and I don't want to leave him. I get so depressed over this that I often feel suicidal and just ending it all (despite the logic of that).

I haven't actually noticed any warning signs YET - though I have had bad vision all my life. My feet are fine and such too. But I'm just so frightened.

Do I have a chance to change my life? Or is it too late? Should I just plan for the worst?

 

[dawnmc]

No you shouldn't plan for the worst. You sound like you want to start taking some control back. Well done you.
If you can get Dr Bernstein's 'Diabetes Solution' book, it gives you all the info you will need - hes a T1 and has been for loads of years.

 

[zand]

So this is day 4 of your new life. There's really no point in worrying about the past now, just walk forward and see where that takes you.

If you need help there's lots of knowledgeable T1s here. I'm T2 so I'll just say welcome to the forum. I'm tagging @daisy1 for the info she gives newcomers even though you are not new to diabetes - this is a fresh start. Well done. You are in the right place.

 

[daisy1]

@kitsunerun

Hello how are you now? In your first thread I posted the information for new members for you (there is a link to this information in my signature). Have another read of this and it should help you. Ask more questions if you need to and someone will be able to help.

 

[kitsunerin]

No you shouldn't plan for the worst. You sound like you want to start taking some control back. Well done you.
If you can get Dr Bernstein's 'Diabetes Solution' book, it gives you all the info you will need - hes a T1 and has been for loads of years.

I'll have a look for that book, thanks! And yeah, I'm trying and so far.... well, it's easier than I thought!

So this is day 4 of your new life. There's really no point in worrying about the past now, just walk forward and see where that takes you.

If you need help there's lots of knowledgeable T1s here. I'm T2 so I'll just say welcome to the forum. I'm tagging @daisy1 for the info she gives newcomers even though you are not new to diabetes - this is a fresh start. Well done. You are in the right place.

That's true... I need to let the past go and focus on the now. I will try read up all I can.

@kitsunerun

Hello how are you now? In your first thread I posted the information for new members for you (there is a link to this information in my signature). Have another read of this and it should help you. Ask more questions if you need to and someone will be able to help.

I feel a little better, I just needed to get this post off my chest. I will make sure to read through that completely, thank you so much!

 

[Squire Fulwood]

Do I have a chance to change my life? Or is it too late? Should I just plan for the worst?

If you don't make the effort then it is only going to get even later. Sounds to me like you have good reason to take control and improve things.

 

[Totto]

29 is a good year to change things. You are on the door step to middle age. At 29 most of us go through a stage when we question things we learned as children, things that always were obvious and true but realise they aren't any more. Use it. It's a process and you'll come out a new and stronger person even if it feels very lonely now.

Nothing is too late at 29 and I think you are on the right path, so keep going.

 

[donnellysdogs]

Its never too late!

Honestly, I do not believe every T1 has been an angel!!

The good future is worth concentrating on. Tonight, with the fireworks-let them be the explosives of your past... Firing in to thin air with a puff of smoke.

Concentrate now on the good... Oh.. And welcome to some beautiful, wonderful friends here. You are never alone in the battle... People you have never seen really care from day one... And they are always there for you. Believe me, I know this...

 

[sssjay22]

I used to be exactly like you in many ways. I'm 25 now and after over ten years have only just got to grips with my diabetes.
I called it my epiphany moment, when I realised I do care and that I want to be better at looking after myself. Remember that feeling as it will carry you through difficult days when you just can't be bothered.
My mental health sometimes gets in the way of my diabetes thinking and I too get really scared about the future and condemn myself to death at an early age, you just have to be strong not to spiral into a deep pit of thinking like this as it can be hard to get out of. Hopefully how well you feel will spur you on, keep going it gets easier I promise!
My hba1c used to be 14% (old style measuring) but now it's more like 7% or 58 new style. It is possible!!

 

[kitsunerin]

Ah thanks guys, I'm glad to hear that I am not the only one here who has been 'naughty' with my diabetes, haha. I've actually managed to keep my BS within normal range for 5 days straight now which... doesn't sound that impressive, but to me it's the first time. I do feel that I want to look after myself now, despite having bad days and such. I understand now that not taking insulin and such makes me feel worse in the long run.

 

[AlisterCat]

So I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 13 years ago.

I know this was posted a very long time ago but I just joined and I am in almost the exact same situation. Diagnosed at 16, not told much, now 27 and still don't have a grip on my diabetes. Depression and anxiety make me feel like I'm going to die anyway and I'm going to be miserable with these complications. I don't know how to deal with that. Just being told to feel better doesn't improve anything, and getting my diabetes control on track now won't reverse the horrible things I'm now dealing with.

All I feel is despair.

 

[kitsunerin]

I know this was posted a very long time ago but I just joined and I am in almost the exact same situation. Diagnosed at 16, not told much, now 27 and still don't have a grip on my diabetes. Depression and anxiety make me feel like I'm going to die anyway and I'm going to be miserable with these complications. I don't know how to deal with that. Just being told to feel better doesn't improve anything, and getting my diabetes control on track now won't reverse the horrible things I'm now dealing with.

All I feel is despair.

It's nice having a recent reply here, I've just come back to the forums after a rough time with diabetes and also fibromyalgia.

It seems that 10-15 years ago was not a good time to be diagnosed, lots of people including us were not advised correctly or at all. If you need a friend, Alister, I'd be glad to chat to you!

 

[zand]

Are things getting any better for you now @kitsunerun ? Are you managing to get back on track?

 

[sd29]

My friends, your stories echo mine in many ways, please don't feel you're alone.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and along the way we find twists and turns. We falter, we feel like giving in or giving up, but ultimately, we keep on going.

It is never to late to try to change. Depression is cruel. It lies. It will whisper in your ear and colour the whole world black. It will tell you to not even try as there is no hope, it's too late for you, you don't deserve help, it's insurmountable, and you're a burden. BUT...

Have you ever stopped to think of how amazing you are? That someone loves you? That by voicing your fears you're inspiring others to do the same? How brave you are for admitting your fears? How you've not only taken those first steps but you're well on the road to getting where you want to be? You're just on the uphill leg at the moment!

I thought it was too late for me. Unfortunately, I have severe peripheral neuropathy, stage 4 CKD, autonomic neuropathies and general pain in the **** syndrome! Also suffering with depression and anxiety, everything was compounded by severe anorexia.

My type 1 was diagnosed at 29, I'm 35 now. I am still trying every day, and knowing others like you, keep fighting too, helps. I like to think if you can, I can. My life is different, but it's no bad thing. I still enjoy friends, family and my crazy cat! I go on dates, although I can't wear heels anymore lol! And I still drive. There's a life outside of the needles if you want it, and medical treatments are progressing fantastically.

Think of reasons to stay alive, and reasons to enjoy life again. Diabetes is part of you, but it doesn't define you. There is a big difference between just living and feeling alive and when depression and anxiety take hold, we can make our worlds very small.

It is hard to talk to doctors, as many don't understand, but I seriously recommend you keep talking,

Take a deep breath and take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day, but most of all remember, you have a choice - give up, stay miserably the same or keep trying for the awesome life that is just waiting for you.

 

[Kristin251]

My friends, your stories echo mine in many ways, please don't feel you're alone.

A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and along the way we find twists and turns. We falter, we feel like giving in or giving up, but ultimately, we keep on going.

It is never to late to try to change. Depression is cruel. It lies. It will whisper in your ear and colour the whole world black. It will tell you to not even try as there is no hope, it's too late for you, you don't deserve help, it's insurmountable, and you're a burden. BUT...

Have you ever stopped to think of how amazing you are? That someone loves you? That by voicing your fears you're inspiring others to do the same? How brave you are for admitting your fears? How you've not only taken those first steps but you're well on the road to getting where you want to be? You're just on the uphill leg at the moment!

I thought it was too late for me. Unfortunately, I have severe peripheral neuropathy, stage 4 CKD, autonomic neuropathies and general pain in the **** syndrome! Also suffering with depression and anxiety, everything was compounded by severe anorexia.

My type 1 was diagnosed at 29, I'm 35 now. I am still trying every day, and knowing others like you, keep fighting too, helps. I like to think if you can, I can. My life is different, but it's no bad thing. I still enjoy friends, family and my crazy cat! I go on dates, although I can't wear heels anymore lol! And I still drive. There's a life outside of the needles if you want it, and medical treatments are progressing fantastically.

Think of reasons to stay alive, and reasons to enjoy life again. Diabetes is part of you, but it doesn't define you. There is a big difference between just living and feeling alive and when depression and anxiety take hold, we can make our worlds very small.

It is hard to talk to doctors, as many don't understand, but I seriously recommend you keep talking,

Take a deep breath and take it minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day, but most of all remember, you have a choice - give up, stay miserably the same or keep trying for the awesome life that is just waiting for you.

Wow. Awesomely inspiring words!!!

It's never too late. Grab life!! Be the best you can. Beat the beast. We all suffer with it but as my dear mother always said, many will have more than you and many will have worse. Diabetes stinks, no doubt, but certainly not losing life over. Seriously?? ITS JUST FOOD!! Eat as healthy as you can, take your insulin according to your food and move forward. Enjoy everything else. Think of it as a job, not a life sentence.

I'm not implying g D isn't depressing but we need to pick our selves up, no matter how hard it is and focus on all the good things in life we may take for granted. Please, don't let it get the best of you. Be strong!! Fight back!!

 

[Prem51]

I know this was posted a very long time ago but I just joined and I am in almost the exact same situation. Diagnosed at 16, not told much, now 27 and still don't have a grip on my diabetes. Depression and anxiety make me feel like I'm going to die anyway and I'm going to be miserable with these complications. I don't know how to deal with that. Just being told to feel better doesn't improve anything, and getting my diabetes control on track now won't reverse the horrible things I'm now dealing with.

All I feel is despair.

Hi @AlisterCat and welcome to the forum. I know that when one is coping with depression it is almost impossible to deal with other conditions. But you aren't alone with these awful illnesses. Keep reading this forum, you will get a lot of good advice and support on here.