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Just really battling

Discussion in 'Emotional and Mental Health' started by rosemaree, Sep 20, 2020.

  1. rosemaree

    rosemaree Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    Hey everyone,

    I am just battling and don't really know what to do.

    I left a very toxic job last year just before I got sick and was diagnosed. My partner told me to take some time and get a better, long story short, I am still not working and am totally dependant on him, and he resents me for it. He hates his job, and tells me all the time how he hates his life and just wants to die. He doesn't really direct negative talk at me, but constantly curses life, the universe, everything. When I try talk to him, it just seems to make everything worse.

    I managed to get funding to continue studying this year, and was meant to start a part time job, I felt like things were maybe looking up. But the job got cancelled due to covid. I've been trying to focus on my studies, but the stress of everything is getting to me and I am battling to get my assignments done. It is hard to spend the time on anything other than looking for work, but given that I am high risk, don't have any particular skills and so many people are losing and looking for jobs, I feel quite hopeless.

    I have put on weight and am having a hard time keeping my sugars stable. I am only 32. Even if I get a job, I can't actually earn enough to support myself and my little furchild, who also has a chronic condition.

    I have constant problems with my teeth, stemming from a jaw injury, an incompetent butcher of a dentist, bad genetics and a bad diet. I have mild chronic pain from it, and get majorly depressed whenever I think about it. I found another dentist but he is quite far from where I live, I really appreciate his approach and the help he has given me, but given my past experience I have a very hard time trusting medical professionals, and I don't know who else to turn to for advice. I think my temporary filling is cracked and I am stressing that it might be another root canal, he couldn't do the permanent filing initially because of chronic sinus complications, and now with covid he told me to avoid coming in unless I am in pain - but with the chronic jaw pain I never know if it is the tooth or my jaw that is hurting, but it looks cracked and seems to be hurting on and off, so I will need to try get an appointment.

    I am feeling so hopeless and sick from it all and just don't know what to do. I don't have money to get help, and feel massively let down by the doctors I have seen over the years. The last doctor I went to was not on my medical plan, I borrowed money to go see her to try treat my sinus so that I could get my teeth sorted. She gave me a huge list of meds that I couldn't afford, so I just got the basics. I ended up getting nosebleeds two or three times a day, they stopped shortly after I stopped the meds. I tried to get hold of the doctor for advice, but her receptionist said I would have to make another appointment which I can't afford. I feel like I don't have any support, or anyone really. My dad and sister both trigger major anxiety and depression for me, I battle to speak up to them for fear of upsetting them. I love my partner and feel like he does care, we talk but don't actually communicate. I end up trying to do everything for him almost in repayment for his financial support, but I am exhausted. I constantly walk on eggshells, fearing upsetting or triggering him. He doesn't direct anything at me when he is mad, but it kills me listening to him curse life and everything, or watching him get in a rage and hit himself. I know he a battles with depression so I try not do anything that makes it worse. Talking makes it worse. So I can't really talk to him about it. My little dog and I are both super sensitive, so his energy really gets to us. Her condition is triggered by stress, so I try take it all to protect her from it, but it doesn't always work. She also stresses when I am battling, which makes everything worse.

    I have been trying to reach out, I often write posts but end up deleting them. I am not good at talking to people, and when I have tried it always ended up making me feel worse. I just don't know what to do anymore,
     
    • Hug Hug x 9
  2. JenniferM55

    JenniferM55 Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    I'm no counsellor so I've no idea how to advise you, if I did I'd probably make things worse. But I just wanted to reach out to you that you've done the right thing in sharing your anxiety - writing stuff down can be therapeutic.

    It's tough for everyone at this unprecedented time, and no doubt your partner is feeling as frustrated as you are. Wishing you all the best that you'll 'turn the corner' soon.
     
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    #2 JenniferM55, Sep 20, 2020 at 6:04 PM
    Last edited: Sep 21, 2020
  3. Antje77

    Antje77 LADA · Moderator
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    Hi @rosemaree , I can only echo @JenniferM55 in telling you I'm sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment and hoping things will change for the better in the near future!

    Reaching out is good, no need to delete your posts, it's all right to share you're feeling rubbish. Even if we can't help you, we can listen.
    Wish you all the best!
     
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  4. Xal

    Xal · Member

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    @rosemaree - I really relate to your story. There are so many of us out here who understand. We are here for you - whether it is to listen or give suport - we are here & we get it. It is difficult to be strong all the time and it is ok to struggle. Cuddles to your little dog.
     
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  5. Resurgam

    Resurgam Type 2 (in remission!) · Expert

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    Having had a couple of times when the DH was the one out of work, using 'we' and 'us' and 'our' can change the way things are going - and doing such things as 'can we sit down and talk about this worrying thing' statements such as 'I'm glad you are the one I am with going through this' - it might seem a bit unnecessary at first but you don't need to lay it o n thick, just once in a while to make sure he knows he's needed/appreciated/in the loop - and do be straightforward with family members on a 'aren't things bad enough without you saying things like that?' level. as sometimes people really do not realise just how damaging their comments or attitude can be.
    You really need to contact the dentist about your tooth problems and suspicions, and let them know how it is dragging you down.
    Rather than try to continue with plan A or even plan B, reassess and look for something - anything which could help with the situation. Do not accept that your efforts might make things worse - say out loud 'I really want us to get through this, both of us together and stronger than ever' - or words to that effect - you must make it clear.
    The first thing, however is to watch your blood glucose levels and don't eat the wrong things - you need to be strong and fit, not falling into despair or a carb induced haze - start with that and go forward - that works.
     
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  6. rosemaree

    rosemaree Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    @JenniferM55, @Antje77, @Xal

    Thank you so much for responding, sometimes things just get too much to handle, writing definitely helps, although I have to stop myself from going down dark holes when I do, some of them are a bit hard to get out of.
     
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  7. rosemaree

    rosemaree Type 2 · Well-Known Member

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    @Resurgam

    Thank you for the advice. I do try let him know how much I appreciate everything he does. We have just both been in survival mode for the longest time and it makes normal functioning seem impossible. At this point I think my doing everything for him has made things a bit worse, he literally eats, sleeps and works - he is at his computer from the moment he wakes up till he goes to bed. When I try talk to him he kind of freaks out that he has work to do and doesn't have the time. I occasionally pipe up and say just sit and have breakfast with me before switching on your computer, but that generally ends in tense silence. I just think if he had to do some 'life' it would actually give him a break. I worry that his anger is affecting him as well, he often feels ill - I have tried to explain that the way he talks isn't good for any of us, when I wrote the initial post yesterday he had been working all day constantly repeating I hate my life I want to die I must just not wake up why is God such a #$%! etc. I end up constantly listening to it as well - it has taken years of asking him not to do it for him to tune it down to under his breath when I walk in same room, but our flat is just a bedroom and open plan living area, so I can hear it no matter what. I try headphones every now and then, but then miss when it is getting bad and my pup starts freaking out.

    Things really fell apart for me when I was a teenager, and I haven't been able to stand up for myself since without breaking down in tears. I have this major fear of upsetting anyone, my dad has been sick, so I tell myself I can't speak to him about these issues because it might upset him or cause him stress, and my sister, well, I have actually tried to speak up with her, but she kind of just stops talking to me if I do, or will respond in a way that makes what I have said seem invalid.

    I managed to get hold of the dentist, they had a cancellation so managed to get an appointment this week. I have spoken to him a lot about my concerns and stresses, and he has been pretty good about it. I feel like I need to see a psychologist or something though, to actually get help working through my issues.

    I am trying to just focus on getting my levels more stable, and my upcoming exams, just a month and half till they are done and I will have more time to try find work.
     
    • Hug Hug x 1
  8. Antje77

    Antje77 LADA · Moderator
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    The dentist having time for you and being nice is wonderful!
    And yes, please see if you can speak to a professional about your feelings and worries, it may help a lot!
    Especially because you're so scared about upsetting loved ones that it stops you from talking to them. With a psychologist it's much easier to unload, because they chose this profession so it's perfectly fine to tell them you are not feeling fine, and there's no need to worry about upsetting them.
     
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